[Effervesced by guest poster See-Dubya]

Oh, sure, XRLQ, we can’t get those exotic Latin temptations up here, be they sweet, tart, dusky, or bubbly, but you know what soda we get here that Latin America doesn’t?

Sierra Mist!

The Oldsmobile of sodas. What Gray Davis is to politicians, what Bud Lite is to beer, Sierra Mist! is to soda. A yawn in every glass. It’s like Sprite, but for when contractual obligations forbid the serving of Sprite. Lymon? No. UnCola? No. Just a focus-grouped name that sounds like a Rite-Aid knockoff of Mountain Dew. It’s soda for losers without the self-confidence to order a 7-UP.

What sort of unjust world do we live in, in which Peach Nehi has almost faded from the memories of old gray-beards like me (okay, I’m clean-shaven but never mind) and is only available over specialty internet sites, yet Sierra Mist! is ubiquitous? Oh, yeah, that’s progress, amigos. And hey, how about that NAFTA and all its promised benefits? Sure, you can get cocaine and illegal labor on any street corner in America, but if you’re looking for cane sugar and interesting sodas that will really Lift your Manzanitas outside of a few bodegitas in LA, you’ve got to change countries. Sure, that’s worth it.

Free trade is a crock.

Alas, all this talk of soda has excited my baser passions. As I mentioned below, I have forsworn carbonated beverages for Lent; but I fear that Eastertide will pass and leave me in an orgy of wretched excess, guzzling a crate of tamarind Jarritos (the Salma Hayek of soda pop!) before I even let them properly chill, and then belching forth my fury at the wretched soul-smothering corporate soda masters who keep me from consummating my carbonated fantasies. It ain’t gonna be pretty.

FULL DISCLOSURE: As reported below, I once received a modest scholarship from Coca-Cola. Cathy Seipp seemed good-naturedly satisfied with my transparent blogging ethics, but I figure repeating the disclosure will keep me on the safe side of getting Fumento’d.

–See Dubya

[Posted by Xrlq]

See Dubya told you about one product the Coca-Cola company sells in Mexico but won’t let you buy here: Mexican Coke. Another is Manzana Lift, an excellent apple-flavored soda you can find at any grocery store in Mexico, or in bulk at Smart and Final (yes, they do have those down there), but can’t find anywhere in the States. Its quality is matched only by Manzanita Sol, which is manufactured by Pepsi, and also not distributed here. Oh well. For those of you who have the misfortune of living in Southern California, I’d recommend you make Minute Maid (contains 0% juice) lemonade out of that proverbial lemon, and get thee to T.J. to stock up on the stuff. Just don’t get caught trying to sell it to anybody.

UPDATE: I am not now, nor have I never been, in receipt of any scholarship, grant, endowment or other emoluments (collectively, “Bribes”) from the Coca-Cola Company, the Coca-Cola Foundation, any cocaine dealer who sells his product under the name “coke,” or any of their respective parents, subsidiaries, sister corporations, affiliates, joint venturers, distributors, wholesalers, contractors, directors, officers, employees, fan clubs or other associates (collectively, “Cronies”). Nor have I received any Bribes from Pepsi or any of its Cronies. I have, however, held at least three paid jobs in the early- to mid-1980s, one as an undocumented worker, in which my job description included selling Coca-Cola and/or Pepsi products to the public. Subsequently, I have worked, studied, or both at several institutions, who wish to remain anonymous, at which Coca-Cola, Pepsi or both are or were sold. Due to their bargaining power, some of these institutions may have been able to negotiate more favorable prices from Coke, Pepsi or their respective Cronies than would be available to the general public. To the extent they have done so, it is likely that the bulk of their savings translated into profit, which I did not share. It is possible, however, that some of the benefit of these institutions’ negotiating strength was passed along to me, either in the form of lower prices, a higher salary, or lower student fees. I realize that this disclosure, which comes more than 12 hours after the original entry ran, is probably too late to prevent me from being seipped. Nevertheless, I’m disclosing it now to limit the effects of my apparent corruption any way I can.

–Xrlq