Patterico's Pontifications


Happy New Year!

Filed under: General — Dana @ 10:03 am

[guest post by Dana]

Happy New Year to Patterico readers! I don’t know about you, but I have no resolutions lined up for this new year because resolutions at the beginning of a new year are little more than willfully setting myself up for failure. And what a dumb and depressing way to start the year. It’s like waiting for that inevitable other shoe of self-disappointment to fall (and from past experience, it usually happens pretty quickly, so great, there goes what could have been a terrific year…). It’s better I let myself off the hook from the get-go and make no official resolutions, thus giving myself a fighting chance in the new year. Of course with this mindset, losing those 20 extra pounds and bringing world peace will likely not happen, but you know what? I’m okay with that.

With the new year and all its endless possibilities, I went back and re-read these two articles that were written last year about campaign frontrunners, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. (Note to Patterico: Surely this doesn’t count as an official Trump post?) They made me laugh, then they made me cry. All I can say is, boy howdy, do we have our work cut out for us in 2016:

In an effort to help the presidential hopeful make her best possible impression during tonight’s Democratic primary debate, Hillary Clinton’s aides gently reminded her Tuesday not to refer to her opponents as “obstacles to greatness.” “When you’re addressing the other candidates, just make sure not to call any of them ‘impediments to glory’ or ‘the only things standing between me and my rightful place in history’ or anything like that; it’s probably best to just stick to using their names,” said chief strategist Joel Benenson, who has reportedly stopped Clinton several times over the course of her practice debates to recommend that she use the phrase “the senator” when referring to Bernie Sanders instead of “a minor blip on my path to ascendancy.” “You’re really nailing all the policy details, which is great, but if you can, remember to stay away from likening your opponents to ‘temporary obstructions,’ ‘pins to be knocked down,’ or ‘mere speed bumps.’ I’d also suggest trying the phrase ‘When I’m in the White House’ instead of ‘When the throne is mine’—just a thought.” Benenson added that Clinton should also be cautious about how many times she referred to herself as “The One” throughout the debate


Appearing at a campaign event in the early primary state, real estate mogul and presidential candidate Donald Trump told an assembled group of dairy farmers Monday that his cows were 500 times bigger than theirs. “Your cows are small and scrawny, and you should be embarrassed to milk them,” said Trump, adding that each of his cows was the size of “at least” a dozen Cadillacs and had “udders that’ll make your head spin.” “No one raises dairy cows as gigantic or successful as I do; everyone knows that. My cattle are winners, and you people would be lucky to have them graze here.” Chatting with patrons at a diner later in the day, Trump reportedly said the apple pie was a disgrace and that his pies were a mile wide, with a perfect crust that made all the losers jealous.

I know, right??! It’s enough to get you working on yet another brain-biting hangover ASAP!

Welcome, 2016, we can take you.


54 Responses to “Happy New Year!”

  1. Good morning!

    Dana (86e864)

  2. while comedians in cars get their coffee with c**ts

    failmerica’s problems they festers and stunts

    stunts all the prosperity

    all sense of duty

    and fascism blooms like orlando and judy

    so we all look ahead at the new year to come

    it’s bleak

    it’s a wreck

    the car’s in the ditch

    and towards bethlehem


    bill’s lying b*tch


    it’s dire

    it’s fraught

    the plot we’ve all lost

    so farewell to heat and welcome to frost

    the last chapter commences

    our own holocaust

    (oh yes Mr. Jester

    there are consequences)

    the fascists have undermined all our defenses!

    don’t squirm lil pickle

    no don’t try to fight it

    you might could vote trump but


    you can’t hide it

    failmerica failmerica eff yeah failmerica


    let’s do this

    happyfeet (831175)

  3. I’m sitting here watching the Mummers Parade. Think I’ll go to the Club and send the wife and her friends to Sugarhouse Casino (see, advertising works. Sugarhouse sponsors the Mummers).

    Happy New Year to you all.

    Rev. Barack Hussein Hoagie™ (f4eb27)

  4. this is a welcome surprise Mr. Drudge found to start off the new year

    here’s just a taste

    Empty prestige: Speaking of shoddy journalism, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has succumbed without a murmur to “The Hunting Ground,” placing on its documentary feature shortlist a loaded piece of agitprop that plays fast and loose with statistics and our sympathy with victims of campus sexual assault. With death-defying leaps of logic on the basis of skimpy and distorted evidence, Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering’s film does violence to both the legitimate fight for women’s rights and the honorable cause of advocacy filmmaking.

    happyfeet (831175)

  5. I’m going to keep it simple with regard to New Year’s resolutions. Staying within my comfort zone and knowing my limitations, I’ll be swearing off heroin this year.

    There I said it. First step. lol

    papertiger (c2d6da)

  6. The good thing about 2016 is that it’s the last full year of 0bama’s presidency. Only 384 days, 22 hours, 15 minutes, and 30 seconds…mark.

    And for those with a web page or blog, here’s a bit of code you can paste in for your own countdown to the end of this particular nightmare.

    <iframe frameborder=”0″ width=”120″ height=”35″ style=”background-color:black”

    Milhouse (8489b1)

  7. it’s Twenty Sixteen
    will it be memorable
    or downhill from here?

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  8. I’ll raise a glass to the first congresscritter who proposes “Obama Control” legislation… legislation that will put a leash, gagball and manacles on that rotter puppy.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  9. Staying within my comfort zone and knowing my limitations,

    A man’s got to know his limitations.

    Harry Callahan (feee21)

  10. I don’t know about you, but I have no resolutions lined up for this new year because resolutions at the beginning of a new year are little more than willfully setting myself up for failure.

    Make New Year resolutions, never have I! Difficult to see. Always in motion the future is.
    Either. Do, or do not. There is no try. For in try there is failure!

    Yoda (feee21)

  11. A man’s got to know his limitations.

    A man who knows his limitations is limited. A man who does not is limitless. Men who know their limitations don’t come up with great ideas, inventions or discoveries nor do they try and find a route to India or set foot on the moon. Men who know their limitations are called leftists and because they are limited they try to make rules and regulations limiting the rest of us. Screw’em.

    Rev. Barack Hussein Hoagie™ (f4eb27)

  12. My new Years resolution is to make sure low info voters vote Cruz/West/2016.
    Waterboarding works.

    mg (31009b)

  13. head’s up picklepoos! America’s genocide of Israel is off to a great start in 2016!

    DUBAI A series of Iranian officials vowed on Friday to expand Tehran’s missile capabilities, a challenge to the United States which has threatened to impose new sanctions even as the vast bulk of its measures against Iran are due to be lifted under a nuclear deal.

    yes yes yes the new year’s fireworks are far from over

    plus if this is how we treat our allies our enemies must be making pee pee in their pants

    smart and also diplomacy

    happyfeet (831175)

  14. Men who know their limitations are called leftists and because they are limited they try to make rules and regulations limiting the rest of us. Screw’em.

    Rev. Barack Hussein Hoagie™ (f4eb27) — 1/1/2016 @ 11:31 am

    Alright. I’m swearing off Boone’s Farm too. Swing low sweet chariot coming for to carry me home.
    Any other thorns and vexation? Bring it on. I can take it.

    papertiger (c2d6da)

  15. I’m swearing off moon landings too.

    papertiger (c2d6da)

  16. Recipe for Moon Landing

    6 ounces Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill wine
    1 ounce Blue Moon rum
    1 lunar tick

    Fill a tall glass with ice, add rum, add 6 ounces wine

    What about the lunar tick, you say? Whoever is crazy enough to drink this thing is a lunar-tick!

    felipe (56556d)

  17. See how big that Boone’s Farm give up was?


    papertiger (c2d6da)

  18. “Picklepoos” is right. Your acting like it’s over. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

    My take on the past year – and the next, for that matter – is far more sanguine. Where to begin? I’ll just stick to one hugely important development, though I encourage you all to come up with your own. I believe there are many.

    How ‘bout this: the GOPe no longer has a strangle hold on the Republican Party. I hate them and how they have appropriated the mantle of Reagan while behaving like H.W., or worse. In this go round, Compassionate Conservatives, in sum, are polling somewhere south of 20%. This is a happy day, which has followed a happy year. Even better, their flagship candidate is an embarrassment to his Royal Family heritage. The public humiliation of Jeb, alone and of itself, has made the past year a happy one, indeed. How so? Let’s go back to the highlight film:

    JUDGE SMAILS: This is a tough business to run for president.
    LORD VOLDEMORT: Oh, I know. You’re a tough guy, Jeb. I know.
    JUDGE SMAILS: And it’s — and we need…
    … to have a leader that is…
    (Of course, I don’t want to be too belittling of Jeb now that he’s going after the cherubic Middle Schooler who is quickly becoming the GOPe’s Great Off-White Hope).

    By the way, Dana, you, yourself along with all your thought-provoking posts are another high point of the past year. Thank you.

    ThOR (a52560)

  19. Just finished eating Breast of Veal. Slow smoke at 225, salt, pepper, Szeged Steak Rub.
    Think-Veal Pastrami, One of the fattiest pieces of meat I have ever seen. Like brisket, pulls apart like butter.
    I think Szeged Steak Rub is the top of the line rubs for big pieces of Beef. Prime Rib with a coating of this rub will make you a cholesterol bomb. It was a 5 bone breast.

    mg (31009b)

  20. You want a resolution, Dana?

    My 2016 posts at Patterico will be even better than my 2015 posts.

    That won’t be easy, but we all think you’re up to it. Good luck!

    ThOR (a52560)

  21. interesting i sent some szeged to my lil bro he’s like an ultimate ninja grillmaster who makes his own rub and he’ll probably resent it cause of that’s just how ultimate ninja grillmasters roll

    happyfeet (831175)

  22. ok i textered him it’s on the way we’ll see what he says

    happyfeet (831175)

  23. Can’t wait to hear what lil bro says.
    How was the blue cheese from the Fairbult caves?

    mg (31009b)

  24. i totally messed that up
    first i got the wrong cheese caves
    then i went back and ordered a basked from the right ones and durn it
    i got the “midwest cheese basket” what doesn’t have any of the blue

    i’ll order the right basket later this year and make a cheese plate for the office

    morale is low and it’s not getting any fresher

    me my morale is fine but i have my expectations appropriately calibrated and I just love how i’m getting paid to explore this magical wonderful city (before it detroits)

    happyfeet (831175)

  25. *basket* i mean

    happyfeet (831175)

  26. no reply yet he could be busy doing something for the community

    he’s so so much a better person than me

    happyfeet (831175)

  27. You would love this place, happyfeet.

    mg (31009b)

  28. i just never get there

    ma is on my list of undiscovered places

    new england is so hard to travel thru it takes a lot of plan plan

    my next thing is s carolina

    gonna read me some conroy

    his daddy was a chicago boy you know

    happyfeet (831175)

  29. ThOR,

    Thank you so very much.

    Dana (86e864)

  30. There are a lot of people who appreciate your posts out there, Dana, including yours truly.

    Simon Jester (220a7b)

  31. i love your posters dana just not the fetus ones

    we’ll just have to agree to disagree on those ones

    it’s just not how i was raised

    happyfeet (831175)

  32. amazon echo is like my favorite present i ever bought myself ever in my whole life

    probably mostly cause i already had all my musics in the amazon cloud

    love her more than beans though

    i’m a throw that crappy alarm clock from target in the trash

    happyfeet (831175)

  33. if my truck could talk i’d have to yank out all the wires

    happyfeet (831175)

  34. happyfeet?

    Ever get on you own last nerve, do you? Tire of hearing your own voice constantly you should!? According to the 5th Amendment, have the right to remain silent you do! Exercise that right will you!

    Yoda (feee21)

  35. hi pickleyodapoo i’m just so over all these dated failmerican shibboleths

    the average tatted-up military loser is like 7 times less economically important than people what actually contribute to failmerica like sandwich makers and dentists and pastors and database administrators

    it’s not my fault

    it is SO not my fault

    i was on board with team bush w what said we were gonna make the democracies

    well guess what


    and if you signed up for team fail after it was totally a duh

    you’re a moron

    i don’t care how tatted up you are

    wearing the uniform of the military of a sleazy failmerican slutstate is a CHOICE

    choose wisely picklehead

    choose wisely

    happyfeet (831175)

  36. Pat,

    Drop the ban hammer on happyfeet, you can! Tire of seeing him denigrate our military we do! His shtick become tiresome it has! All in favor, say AYE!

    Yoda (feee21)

  37. Mr. Yodapickles they denigrate themselves by wearing the joke uniform of a sleazy cowardly jew-hating slutstate

    i tried to stop them

    happyfeet (831175)

  38. and btw i put 10K aside to keep lil nephew guy out of the navy


    he’s so over that whole nonsense

    happyfeet (831175)

  39. Happy New Year, everybody! I welcome all your posts, Dana. Illegitimi non carborundum!

    nk (dbc370)

  40. Agree with the sentiment, nk. F*** the bastards. It’s a whole lot more polite in Latin.

    Steve57 (17e737)

  41. happy new year my favorite part is the musics (from alexa) but i hate how not cold it is

    i want me some polar vortex

    number one

    it’s bracing

    number two

    it’s slimming, the coats and such

    drink a lil drink smoke a lil smoke

    happyfeet (831175)

  42. Make a small resolution that you’re much more likely to keep. If you always fail your resolutions then you are making them too hard.

    Shooting for something small is better than “can’t win, don’t try.”

    Gabriel Hanna (3d8e32)

  43. My goodness, one can lose their job over much, much less if the facebook comment was just mildly pro one man-one-woman marriage.

    MD in Philly (not in Philly at the moment) (deca84)

  44. the perverted saudi royal trash waited til everyone did their tax loss selling before blowing up the middle east

    this is just so typical of them

    happyfeet (831175)

  45. If UCLA fired every Mexican who uttered anti-Semitic/anti-European slurs, they’d have nobody to mop the floors, collect the trash, and mow the lawns.

    nk (dbc370)

  46. TCU Horned Frogs beat Oregon in OT after being down 31 to zip at halftime. Record comeback.

    ropelight (cc504c)

  47. Mexicans are too uppity, lucky we got plenty of Haitians and Guatemalans here in Florida.

    ropelight (cc504c)

  48. Mexicans = Christians
    Muslums = Religion of Terror

    mg (31009b)

  49. Anyhow, the UCLA apparatchik is right. UCLA is a government institution and the carnita caliente is protected by the First Amendment for what she says on her own time. UCLA cannot retaliate against her anymore than Kamala Harris can against us for our comments here. Such as, for example, suggesting that she is better suited to employment in a Tijuana crib than in one our universities.

    nk (dbc370)

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