[guest post by JVW]
By now most of you have probably heard the news that Donald Trump left a letter in the Oval Office to be read by his successor. I assume that one day the contents may be made public (and depending upon what is in the letter, perhaps one side or the other will have incentive to leak it), but for now we can merely guess. Here’s how I imagine it going:
Dear ______ Biden:
OK, so you’re here and I’m back in Mar a Lago, which is a beautiful complex, just truly spectacular, where all the best people — and I mean the best people: CEOs, athletes, entertainers, movie stars — live. It’s fantastic, I am telling you. You should look into buying a place here, but I probably will blackball you if you try.
Joe, I am not going to rehash what happened last November, not the fake election with all of the bad mail-in ballots your side created — totally illegal — just really wrong — and the way your people miscounted the votes in the middle of the night, costing us Wisconsin and Pennsylvania and Arizona and Georgia and Michigan and Colorado and Vermont and California — I mean, I won more votes than any President in history and it took massive — I mean MASSIVE — fraud for you to deny me the second term. Frankly, I am owed maybe two or three more terms after all I have suffered through — without complaining, mind you, not one word — for the past four years with the fake Russia hoax and the Chinese Virus that was released here in order to stop our beautiful economy — and what a beautiful economy it was: black unemployment at an all-time low, Joe; nobody gives me credit for that — and steal the election.
No Joe, I just want to speak to you President to President, because I’ll always have to be referred to from now on as President Trump — you can’t take that away from me even with this bogus impeachment stuff; I’m still going to appear on a postage stamp one day and frankly I really ought to be on a coin too. We need to bring back the $10 gold piece to this country and name it the Trump, it would be really really great, a fine thing indeed for our country. But President to President, I want to tell you some things that the guy you used to work for — still don’t know where exactly he was born: some say Hawaii but many out there — and these are good, honest people — think it may have been Kenya — some things about the job that he probably didn’t care about but you probably will.
Joe, the chair behind the Resolute Desk is awful, just awful. I mean, bad. You have some back stiffening problems, Joe? Just try sitting in this chair while you have to listen to Nancy and Kevin and Chuck and Mitch haggle over how much money to spend on whatever things they spend money on. Boring! No wonder my back stiffens up. Anyway, you should tell your Chief of Staff that you want one of those luxury — and I’m talking high-end, top of the line — chairs that has a built-in massager and heating/cooling elements sewn in. Very high quality! And easy on your back!
Also, you’re going to find that the remote control for the TV is worn out. No, it’s not the batteries; I think that the buttons are broken from use. I don’t know where that crappy remote was made — probably China, they make all of the crappy stuff these days that was once built to last here in the USA — but you’re going to need a replacement. It’s stuck on the OANN News Channel right now, so have someone come in and manually change the channel as needed.
Come to think of it, the remotes in the White House master bedroom, master bath, and family room all need replacing too. You might get a good deal on a bulk order if you call Xi yourself. Tell him it’s the least he could do after sending us COVID-19, but come to think of it I guess he really doesn’t owe you any favors after all he did for you last year, does he?
Be careful when you step out of the shower in the master bedroom. The rail you hold on to can be kind of slippery when your hands are wet. You’re going to want to get a fur-lined bath mat to place right outside the shower. I got a really nice one — genuine wildebeast hide with an extra adhesive bottom; I told they company CEO that I would consider buying them for my hotels so he sent me a couple dozen to look over; I kept the samples but didn’t sign the deal — but I am taking the one we used back home to Florida with me.
You should get rid of the White House chef right away. He hardly ever makes hamburgers, and when he does he usually uses some kind of French buttery bun which doesn’t go well with ketchup. I wanted to fire him but Melania — you will have to agree, Joe, that she’s the hottest First Lady we have ever had — liked his cooking and said it was good for Baron. Whatever. There’s a McDonald’s up on 17th and H Streets; take an intern maybe 20 minutes to get you a Value Meal but have them order ahead and then just go in to pick it up. You may find that there are times when it’s faster to go to the McDonald’s on 13th and F, but it’s almost never faster to go to the one on 13th and New York, unless there is something big — yuge! — going on at Treasury and at the very same time Lafayette Park is hosting some demonstration of anarchists or women wearing funny hats. I guess the feminists aren’t going to bother to dress up in strange costumes for you, Joe.
Anyway, Joe, I hope you enjoy being President as much as I did, even though there is no way — no chance, none — that you will be as good at it as I was. I’m sure your wife — Trish? Sally? — whatever, she’s much older than Melania though I’m sure she was kind of hot fifty years ago — I’m sure that Betty or Peg or whoever will enjoy it here. It’s got to be better than Delaware.
Good luck, you’re going to need it.
Donald J. Trump