Patterico's Pontifications


A Police Officer with a Sense of Humor

Filed under: General — Patterico @ 6:39 pm

A break-in at the University of Texas was described by a responding officer as follows:

Officers discovered entry into the room had been made through the ceiling. The A/C ceiling vent was laying on the floor along with dust and other ceiling materials. Officers began searching the office and discovered a masked non-UT subject attempting to hide by hanging onto the wall molding and a window blind.

The subject refused to comply with the officers’ requests to come out with his hands up. The subject even refused the officers’ coaxing when the officer handed over the Jack in the Box french fries. The non-UT subject escaped through an open window and evaded the officers. The non-UT subject was described as: three feet tall, last seen wearing a brown and black striped coat, furry gloves and black mask over his eyes.

These criminals are ubiquitous. We have had some fitting that description around our house.


  1. We surprised one on our deck. She just stood there and stared us down. We went back inside.

    Comment by nk (875f57) — 11/20/2012 @ 6:46 pm

  2. My wife used to feed a family of them on our back porch.

    And they came back every night.

    I know.

    She thought it was “cute.”

    I know.

    Comment by Patterico (8b3905) — 11/20/2012 @ 6:50 pm

  3. They are cute, but it’s good to keep in mind, they are not cute as in domesticated.. We see them scuttling around on nightly walks. Have seen them climb trees, which surprised me.

    I read this summer that Brooklyn is infested with them. They’re aggressive, brazen, and seriously living up to bandit fame.

    Comment by Dana (292dcf) — 11/20/2012 @ 6:57 pm

  4. I know.

    Comment by Patterico (8b3905) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:02 pm

  5. I hate fucking raccoons. They just killed a show chicken by pulling her through her cage. Tore her up. My wife is devastated. This is the second hen they have killed. I have traps set but I can’t kill them…legally

    Comment by FLBuckeye (33c3f5) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:02 pm

  6. Jack in the Box fries? They should have tried some Whataburger.

    Comment by DRJ (a83b8b) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:08 pm

  7. I love their hats!!

    Comment by mg (31009b) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:16 pm

  8. Oh, you’re talking about a raccoon? I figured this referred to the Hamburglar, hence the inability of Jack in the Box fries to make any headway in the surrender of the culprit.

    Comment by JVW (4826a9) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:29 pm

  9. me and raccoons, we have an understanding

    Comment by happyfeet (b8493a) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:33 pm

  10. Yeah, me and raccoons out here have an understanding too … they’ll end up “shot while trying to escape” …

    I really dislike the buggers. Vile little things with no useful purpose other than as hats and coats.

    Comment by SPQR (768505) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:41 pm

  11. They are patiently waiting. We live in their world.

    Comment by Ag80 (b2c81f) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:51 pm

  12. Avoid their poop. They have a very bad parasite.

    Comment by Mike K (326cba) — 11/20/2012 @ 7:57 pm

  13. When I was in the Bay Area for my oldest son’s wedding, my youngest daughter and I were staying at a hotel in the Berkeley Marina. We walked out in the front about 1 AM and while we stood there, five raccoons climbed out of a trash container that didn’t seem big enough for two of them.

    Comment by Mike K (326cba) — 11/20/2012 @ 8:00 pm

  14. I’d be very leery. Saw a raccoon disembowel a German Shepherd in the woods many years ago. Not a pretty sight. Here in S. Florida house pets are more subject to being meals for gators and snakes. Watched out for rabid raccoons though.

    Comment by Calypso Louis Farrakhan (e799d8) — 11/20/2012 @ 8:03 pm

  15. The nice thing about living in the country is that I can dispatch the creatures with a firearm w/o legal kickback. I had to remove 6 from the local breathing population over the span of a week when they discovered my koi pond.

    Skunks & bats are our primary rabies vectors. Raccoons are just an non-indigenous pest species.

    Comment by roy in nipomo (160066) — 11/20/2012 @ 8:15 pm

  16. Can’t kill them legally? There’s a saying among ranchers out in wolf country: Shoot, shovel, shut up.

    Comment by The Sanity Inspector (93bc4f) — 11/20/2012 @ 8:15 pm

  17. They really love cat doors. It indicates cat food and is a definite stop on the circuit. No cat is so stupid as to challenge a raccoon, even over food. Probably something learned far back in the gene pool.

    In LA they use the storm drains as highways since there is almost no danger of flooding. In our neighborhood the city has installed barriers over the storm drain gutter openings and that has pretty much stopped the raccoon incursions.

    Comment by Kevin M (bf8ad7) — 11/20/2012 @ 8:33 pm

  18. Seriously though, they are not opossums, or as we say in the regions who have to deal with them, possums.

    In the coming raccoon-possum war, we better hope the raccoons win.

    Raccoons steal. Possums play for keeps, what with their Tasmanian Devil ancestors and all.

    All we can do is we pick up our poor shattered lives if the possums win.

    Comment by Ag80 (b2c81f) — 11/20/2012 @ 9:22 pm

  19. Hey! You didn’t mention it was a mama and four babies. SO cute. They ate cat food. Mama always dipped the cat food in water before she ate it. The smarter babies studied mama and started dipping their food in water too. Seriously cute. When their feet were wet, they left baby raccoon paw prints on the back porch. I didn’t feed them for long, and I actually don’t think it’s a good idea to do so, but you have you admit they were cute. Don’t make me bring out the pictures!

    Comment by Mrs. Patterico (8b3905) — 11/20/2012 @ 9:55 pm

  20. They are not cute. They are evil. They eat my koi after the fish get large enough for me to start to care about them.

    Neighbors feed them, so they hang around. And kill my fish.

    I want to mount raccoon skulls on the fence around my backyard, looking outward: Here is the House of Pain.

    Seriously, my little air pistol does nothing but drive them off. The motion detector sprinkler is a refreshing shower. They maneuver around the electrical shock wire I installed.. But I dare not discharge a real firearm in city limits.

    Hate them. Evil creatures.

    Comment by Simon Jester (182699) — 11/20/2012 @ 10:32 pm

  21. Mrs. Patterico, the cute is an act. Well polished. But an act. Even the babies are really devils’ spawn.

    Comment by SPQR (768505) — 11/20/2012 @ 10:44 pm

  22. Had one unzip a scout’s tent and unzip his backpack to get to a ziplock of gorp in the backback a few years back, without damaging either the tent or backpack.

    Animal had skilz.

    Comment by daleyrocks (bf33e9) — 11/20/2012 @ 11:29 pm

  23. “We’ll be all right as long as they can’t open doors.”

    Comment by Kevin M (bf8ad7) — 11/21/2012 @ 1:31 am

  24. If you can’t shoot em. Poison does wonders.

    Comment by mg (31009b) — 11/21/2012 @ 2:54 am

  25. Coons will go down a chimney into the house and completely destroy everything. Sofas,chairs,woodwork,drapes… Everything.

    Comment by mg (31009b) — 11/21/2012 @ 2:57 am

  26. Dana: i’d prefer raccoons to rats and mice, though. I was *not* happy the day that a mouse crawled into our apt through a hole in the wall next to the plumbing.

    Comment by aphrael (f1d203) — 11/21/2012 @ 5:41 am

  27. Raccoons are racist dog whistles

    Comment by JD (318f81) — 11/21/2012 @ 6:29 am

  28. Speciesist!

    Comment by Simon Jester (182699) — 11/21/2012 @ 6:51 am

  29. Racoons may be cute, but they kill chickens in a really nasty way. My wife has lost four of hers and no longer thinks they are cute. While pellet pistols are useless, pellet rifles work quite well if you spend the $ to buy a good one. They do not make as much noise as a .22 either. A 410 shotgun is even better, but draws too much attention for use within city limits.

    Comment by Bar Sinister (664312) — 11/21/2012 @ 6:55 am

  30. Never trust something in a mask:

    The little raccoon that had fallen into a closet through an access panel to the attic was very cute…until animal control put a lasso around it to remove it.
    Then it transformed into an offspring of “Alien”, not cute one bit.

    Yes, they have been an important vector of rabies in an increasing geographical area since the 1970′s or so, so even if they were not a threat in your area 10 years ago you may want to check.

    And they are incredibly vicious when they need to be. As someone said, even a large dog is no match for one unless the dog has a strong fight instinct. Rabid raccoons have been found in Philly for at least 25 years. Yes, they have some nasty parasites and such to be careful for if you are cleaning out an area where they have inhabited, like an attic.

    Comment by MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:02 am

  31. Mama always dipped the cat food in water before she ate it.

    Mr. P, if you want to get a laugh, put out some sugar cubes and a dish of water…if you could translate raccoon it probably would not be safe for sailor’s ears.

    Comment by MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:12 am

  32. Mrs. Patterico,

    Seriously, the babies would’ve thrown me over the edge, too. Ridiculously adorable.

    Comment by Dana (292dcf) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:12 am

  33. Raccoons are adorable, but they are willing to rip your face off.

    One raccoon destroyed the duct work in an apartment I lived at. Another put a hole in one of my pets requiring stitches.

    They are just wild animals trying to live their own life and raise their own little adorable families, but it’s good to keep them away from people and pets. My mom and sisters have fed these guys peanut butter sandwiches. I can’t reason them out of doing it.

    I did have to destroy the one that wounded my pet. I actually did as Bar Sinister recommended: high powered pellet rifle (which I had to purchase for this use). A toy bb gun would only cause the poor animal to suffer. That was a terrible chore. I would probably starve to death in a world where I couldn’t get meat from the store, I’m so soft.

    Comment by Dustin (73fead) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:38 am

  34. One got into my garage recently, and sat on the hood of my car, refusing to leave, or even act the least bit scared of me. I went full Neville Chamberlain and coaxed him outside with a can of cat food.

    Comment by Bud Norton (29550d) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:44 am

  35. Oh, and to be humane you have to be able to hit the animal square in the head, which requires good marksmanship skills.

    But now I have a decent pellet rifle and a little rotating target that I bought to zero it in, and this is a cheap way to practice marksmanship now.

    I think using a live trap and releasing a bad animal in someone else’s neighborhood is not a very nice thing to do.

    Comment by Dustin (73fead) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:49 am

  36. LoL, Bud Norton,

    Comment by Dana (292dcf) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:51 am

  37. I say that about cats.

    Comment by Chuck Bartowski (11fb31) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:52 am

  38. OOOps. I meant:

    Mrs. Patterico, the cute is an act. Well polished. But an act. Even the babies are really devils’ spawn.

    THAT is what I saw about cats. Sheesh, it’s too early.

    Comment by Chuck Bartowski (11fb31) — 11/21/2012 @ 7:52 am

  39. A friend has a restaurant in Toronto where they occasionally pop up in the corner of the wall, in full view of the patrons dining. He thinks it’s cute.

    I know!

    Comment by carlitos (49ef9f) — 11/21/2012 @ 8:02 am

  40. Old house had a skylight in the master bath. At night raccoon loved to walk a tree limb and drop on to our roof. When the light went on in the master bath they would come over and plop down on the skylight and scare the bejaysus out of us as we we were going about our business, sometimes two or three of them at at time.

    Comment by daleyrocks (bf33e9) — 11/21/2012 @ 8:10 am

  41. plop down on the skylight

    LOL. That would give me a heart attack.

    Comment by Dustin (73fead) — 11/21/2012 @ 8:17 am

  42. Hey, raccoons have even taken on Nazis. That’s how bad-ass they are.

    They are habitual criminals. One liked to nest in an old chimney(unused) in my house. When I took down the chimney she ripped up the roof looking for it. When I was growing up we had a cat that was such a mighty hunter, she treed *two* raccoons. In separate trees. At the same time. I miss that cat …

    Comment by bad cat robot (35a744) — 11/21/2012 @ 8:31 am

  43. The critter van came for mine. It had little happy paws painted on the side. They gave me my trap back after about 15 minutes idling in the driveway.

    Comment by SarahW (b0e533) — 11/21/2012 @ 10:47 am

  44. I also snagged two oppossums of opposite temperament, and a large silver tabby cat, but it’s legal to just let those go.

    Comment by SarahW (b0e533) — 11/21/2012 @ 10:54 am

  45. I never even thought of asking animal control to deal with my raccoon. Hmm.

    Comment by Dustin (73fead) — 11/21/2012 @ 11:00 am

  46. Dustin, last time I talked to city animal control about the problem I had, I got the dumbest look back. I can’t figure out what my local animal control office does, because hold people’s dogs for ransom.

    Comment by SPQR (32a911) — 11/21/2012 @ 3:08 pm

  47. because == besides

    Comment by SPQR (32a911) — 11/21/2012 @ 3:09 pm

  48. The best coonskin caps are made from pelts that still have the little faces on them.

    Comment by SPQR (32a911) — 11/21/2012 @ 3:12 pm

  49. Animal control just laughed and told me to call a private service. Bonus, private services have cheerfully deceptive raccoon murder vans. Cage goes in the van, raccoon goes in the van. CO in the van. The vans CO. * whistles “ladies of spam”*

    Comment by SarahW (b0e533) — 11/21/2012 @ 3:26 pm

  50. FUCK!!!!!1 They got our show rooster last night. This. Is. War.
    Staking out the area with my 20 gauge tonight
    Will not be taking any prisoners

    Comment by FLBuckeye (33c3f5) — 11/21/2012 @ 5:06 pm

  51. pigs aren’t funny, they suck.

    Comment by jerome corsi (b9fe5d) — 11/23/2012 @ 1:52 pm


    Comment by Sarahw (b0e533) — 11/23/2012 @ 5:25 pm

  53. Putting bars on the storm drain openings solved our raccoon problem. Animal Services was pretty much useless, but the Flood Control people had a good understanding of their raccoon subways.

    Comment by Kevin M (bf8ad7) — 11/23/2012 @ 5:30 pm

  54. God made ‘coons and ‘possums, Man made .22′s!

    Comment by askeptic (2bb434) — 11/23/2012 @ 5:46 pm

  55. Opposums are mostly beneficial. They kill garden pests. Snails and such. We still have a turtle skeleton they left over in our garden. They are highly resistant to rabies. They are very slow-moving, I don’t know that you’d need a .22 for them. They are poor people’s food, for when people only had hominy grits and salt pork.

    I don’t mind the critters. We had a muskrat going through our backyard, a family of foxes behind the schoolhouse, coyotes on both sides of the Des Plaines River, even a mountain lion near my high school. I had a deer almost knocking me down running past me on my driveway. But old ladies get worried about their cats and they get the police to get rid of them.

    But they are wild animals and you do need to be wary of them.

    Comment by nk (875f57) — 11/23/2012 @ 5:59 pm

  56. Ain’t lying. Picture of the lion.

    Comment by nk (875f57) — 11/23/2012 @ 6:11 pm

  57. That’s a big kitty. The King sisters got him 1:18

    Also Alvino Rey is cooking with Skrillex here.

    Comment by Sarahw (b0e533) — 11/24/2012 @ 12:24 pm

  58. Or try this

    Comment by Sarahw (b0e533) — 11/24/2012 @ 12:27 pm

  59. There’s lots of wildlife in the area where I live due to the foresty environment, brush, and the plentiful water sources. Foxes, coyotes, deer, raccoons, possums, woodchucks, red grey and black squirrels, great blue herons, hawks, mice, owls, voles, bullfrogs, and in the spring and fall we’re along the path (rest stops) of the great seasonal bird migrations. We enjoy nature and try to go with the flow as much as possible and let the circle of life do its thing. Bear in mind this is well within the city metro area and only a couple miles from the busy tollway. People with gardens and small pets are less tolerant which I completely understand.

    I do not want raccoons or squirrels in the attic or inside the house however, and over the years have utilized several strategies involving a large dog and human noise to discourage them when they’re on the deck, or on the roof, or yes, looking down through the skylights. A couple years ago a particularly large and ambitious raccoon kept looking into the kitchen and tapping on the glass with its nails. Clearly it was planning to come in. After opening the door an inch or two and scaring it off several times over the space of 15 minutes I finally lost patience and angrily whipped the slider wide open with great force while screaming loud unladylike obscenities into the quiet night–unfortunately, with such great force that I yanked the slider totally off its track. (I assume that’s the kind of adrenaline that allows heroic people to lift fallen tree limbs off of cars). Anyway, then we could no longer close the door in a way that was secure or so the lock would work. So we had to take turns staying up all night guarding the unsecure, slightly open door against the neighborhood raccoons until the Pella people could come out the next day to fix the door.

    Comment by elissa (33aab3) — 11/24/2012 @ 1:39 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Powered by WordPress.

Page loaded in: 0.1979 secs.