Patterico's Pontifications

9/29/2008

Need a Laugh?

Filed under: Humor — DRJ @ 4:05 pm



[Guest post by DRJ]

Here’s an open thread for jokes, and I’ll get it started with a silly one:

“Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Your turn!

— DRJ

91 Responses to “Need a Laugh?”

  1. Barack Hussein Obama!

    That counts as a joke, right?

    The humor-impaired Dana (556f76)

  2. Speaker Nancy said, “We need a bill!”
    George promised, “Sign it, I will!”
    But the people got hot,
    Said “Certainly not!”
    Now the markets are feeling a chill!

    The Limerick Avenger (556f76)

  3. What do you call an Irish lass who stays out all night?

    Patty O’Furniture.

    Thank you! I’ll just let myself out the back…

    Dmac (e639cc)

  4. Knock knock….

    love2008 (0c8c2c)

  5. Nancy told George Bush, “We can do it,
    Even though the people say, ‘Screw it!’
    They won’t really care,
    They’ll think that it’s fair,
    Until it’s to late to undo it!”

    The Limerick Avenger (556f76)

  6. Re. #4 – Turn out the lights and pretend that no one is home.

    Icy Truth (e4fabe)

  7. “Bill Ayers is just some guy from my neighborhood.”

    Bfidler (e6db0a)

  8. I love those Irish jokes, those people are still funny after all these years!

    But, here’s one that isn’t ethnically-insensitive but very few people will get:

    [silence]
    Who’s there?
    [silence]
    Radley Balko?!

    24AheadDotCom (e10679)

  9. These two flamingos walked into a bar and said, “OUCH!!!”

    Adriane (b8ecd8)

  10. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?

    A:

    The hooker says: “What’s the matter, why is this taking so long?”

    The girlfriend says: “what’s the matter, why are you done so soon?”

    The wife says: “We really ought to paint the ceiling.”

    Dr. K (15994c)

  11. Since I love puns . . .

    Did you hear about the agnostic dsylexic insomniac?

    He would stay awake nights wondering if there was a dog.

    bwbandy (2e9e1f)

  12. Franklin Raines told Jamie Gorelick, “Worry not!
    It’s not like we’ll ever get caught.
    Even though we inflated,
    It’ll all get restated,
    And we’ll walk away with a lot!

    The Limerick Avenger (556f76)

  13. Haiku:

    I’m an athiest
    I do not believe in God
    I Pray I am right.

    Dr. K (15994c)

  14. CEO said, “Even though we’ve been told,
    These loans will get bad before old,
    We’ll just walk away,
    The public will pay,
    And we’ll get to keep all our gold!”

    The Limerick Avenger (556f76)

  15. Wall Street has now fail’d
    And Congress cannot fix it;
    401(k) dead.

    The Haiku Avenger (556f76)

  16. Joe was having a lousy day. He lost his job, he caught his wife cheating, and his dog ran away. Disgusted, he goes to the local monestary.

    At the gate he tells the guy standing watch that he would like to join. He is waived in ad is escorted to the abbott’s office.

    “Son, what troubles you?”

    “Father, I am having a rough time, I need to get away from the world. What do I have to do to join?”

    “We live a very austere life, and you must take a vow of silence. Once every 10 years, you are allowed 2 words.”

    “No problem, when do I start?”

    Fast forward 10 years….

    Joe is led to the abbott’s office and sits down when given permission.

    “Son, you have been with us for 10 years; you are now allowed your 2 words. Choose the carefully, for you will not be able to say anything for another 10 years.”

    After a minute, Joe says: “Food bad.”

    “Thank you for your input, it is always appreciated. I will see you, God willing, in 10 years.”

    Fast forward another 10 years….

    Joe is led to the abbott’s office and sits down when given permission.

    “Son, you have been with us for 20 years; you are now allowed your 2 words. Choose the carefully, for you will not be able to say anything for another 10 years.”

    After a minute, Joe says: “Bed hard.”

    “Thank you for your input, it is always appreciated. I will see you, God willing, in 10 years.”

    Fast forward another 10 years….

    Joe is led to the abbott’s office and sits down when given permission.

    “Son, you have been with us for 30 years; you are now allowed your 2 words. Choose the carefully, for you will not be able to say anything for another 10 years.”

    After a minute, Joe says: “I Quit.”

    “Doesn’t surprise me a bit. You’ve done nothing but bitch ever since you got here.”

    Dr. K (15994c)

  17. A timely limerick from Isaac Asimov:

    There was a young woman named Donna
    Who decided that she was a goner.
    She’d been screwing all day
    Every possible way
    Quite forgetting it was Rosh Hashanah.

    Jim C. (33af9d)

  18. In keeping with the theme…

    Q: What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep herder?

    A: The Scottish sheep herder says “Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe!”

    BNJ (497d2d)

  19. Haiku are funny
    but sometimes they don’t make sense
    refrigerator

    Teflon Don (0d1e49)

  20. To number ninteen:
    It seems I sometimes agree
    As if the rain falls

    Dr. K (15994c)

  21. Question: what’s the difference between Lovey and a douchebag?

    Answer: the bag.

    Dmac (e639cc)

  22. Have you ever noticed how Justine Levine always asks a question in the threads he authors and then doesn’t allow anyone to post a response? I find it funny.

    j curtis (3c4f3b)

  23. How do you tell a Democrat?

    You reach in your pocket. If someone else already has their hand in there, it’s a Democrat.

    Ropelight (1be620)

  24. Another from Asimov.

    Mr. Ginsberg went into Ratner’s Dairy Restaurant every day at precisely twelve and he invariably ordered the same thing, a large bowl of matzo-ball soup. So routine was this event over the decades that every noon, as Ginsberg seated himself–always in the same seat, which was saved for him–the waiter deftly slipped a large bowl of piping fresh matzo-ball soup before him and watched with gratification as Ginsberg began to inhale it with the greatest of gusto.

    But on this particular day, Ginsberg did no such thing. He merely sat and stared at the soup.

    After an agonizing few minutes, the waiter approached. “What’s the matter, Mr. Ginsberg, is the soup too cold for you? I’ll heat it up.”

    Ginsberg growled, “Taste it!”

    The waiter said, “I don’t have to taste it. Just tell me. Is it too hot? I’ll fan it. Does it need salt? Pepper? I’ll fix it.”

    Ginsberg growled, “Taste it, I tell you!”

    “All right. All right. Don’t get mad. I’ll taste it.” The waiter’s eyes wandered over the table. “But where’s the spoon?”

    And Ginsberg shouted, “A-HAAAAAAAAA!”

    Jim C. (33af9d)

  25. I am conflicted. I can be either a racist or a sexist.

    I guess I’ll be a racist.

    Dr. K (15994c)

  26. A Wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

    “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

    real doozy (6d1c6d)

  27. haiku
    Mommy’s won a prize!
    Is the carnival leaving?
    She’s coming back…right?

    bdbuttons (359493)

  28. A duck walks into a bar. The bartender thinks this is odd, but greets the duck: “Hello there, we don’t get too many ducks in here. What’s your name?”

    “I’m Huey”

    “Well, Huey, what’ll you have?”

    “I’ll take a beer”

    While pouring the beer, the bartender asks: “Well, Huey, how’s life treating you?”

    “It’s a warm day, the sun is out and I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for?”

    “I hear you brother”. Just then in walsk another duck. Now this is really odd, but the bartender asks: “Hell there. What’s your name?”

    “I’m Dewey”

    “I’m Huey”

    “Well, Duey, what’ll you have?”

    “I’ll take a beer”

    While pouring the beer, the bartender asks: “Well, Duey, how’s life treating you?”

    “It’s a warm day, the sun is out and I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for?”

    “I hear you brother”.

    Just then, in walks a third duck. The bartender says: “Let me guess, you’re Louie.”

    “Sorry, no. I’m Puddles.”

    Dr. K (15994c)

  29. A rabbi, a priest, an Indian chief, and a nun with a parrot on her shoulder walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks up, and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

    Official Internet Data Office (71f158)

  30. Q: What does a Democrat use for birth control?

    A: Why would a lesbian have a need for birth COntrol?

    Dr. K (15994c)

  31. Q: What does a Democrat use for birth control?

    A: Their personality.

    Dr. K (15994c)

  32. Q: If a dead person votes, how do we know it’s a Democrat?

    A: Everyone knows that dead Republicans are just too stupid to know how to vote.

    Dr. K (15994c)

  33. An honest Democrat.

    Hey, you asked for a short joke.

    Dr. K (15994c)

  34. A blonde friend sent me a text message that read “What does IDK mean?”

    I texted back “I don’t know”

    3 minutes later, I get another text from her: “OMG! Nobody knows!”

    Steverino (db5760)

  35. My 2.5 year old’s current favorite joke:

    Knock knock

    Who’s there?

    Banana

    Banana who?

    Goat! hee hee hee hee hee

    I'm Geekier (25af5f)

  36. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were camping one weekend. After they ate dinner and the campfire was doused, they all retired to their tents.

    In the middle of the night, a small ember rose from the remnants of the campfire and landed on the engineer’s tent, starting a small blaze. The engineer, awakened by the fire, jumped out of his tent at once. He scooped up every possible container he could find, sprinted down to the lake, filled all the containers with water, ran back to his tent, and poured all the water on it. The fire was put out, and water ran all over the place, but the engineer was pleased with his results and went back to sleep.

    Some time later, another ember rose up and landed on the physicist’s tent, starting it on fire. The physicist jumped out of his bedroll and watched the fire. He quickly calculated the rate of burning, and picked up a few containers the engineer had cast aside. He then walked down to the lake, filled the containers with water, and returned to his tent. He poured the water onto the fire, and the very last drop of water doused the very last glowing ember of the fire. Satisfied, he went back to sleep.

    A little later, an ember rose up and landed on the mathematician’s tent, starting it on fire. The mathematician scrambled out of his bedroll and began watching the fire intently. Then he walked pensively to the lake, and put his hand into the water. With a satisfied look on his face, he said, “Aha! There is a solution!” and went back to sleep.

    Steverino (db5760)

  37. Comment by Teflon Don — 9/29/2008 @ 5:14 pm

    Once a monk from Honshu
    thought to write limericks in haiku
    And thus he did so.

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  38. Two fish are in a tank. One asks the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

    Two birds are on a perch. One asks the other, “Do you smell fish?”

    Jim C. (33af9d)

  39. A enterprising snail goes to the car dealership to by a car. The snail specially asked that the car be detailed to have the letter “S” painted on the driver’s door. The salesman asks “why ?”

    The snail explains that when he drives the car, he wants people to say .. boy, look at that S car go.

    Neo (cba5df)

  40. A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, ‘you’ve all got one minute to get out!’
    The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, ‘you bastard!’

    real doozy (6d1c6d)

  41. The Gospel According To Barack
    ——————————————-

    Matthew, Chapter 5 – The Sermon on the Mount

    1 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples and major campaign contributors came unto him:
    2 And he opened his mouth and, reading from a teleprompter, taught them, saying,
    3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of health care.
    4 Blessed are they that mourn the demise of capitalism: for they shall be comforted with a $700 billion bailout.
    5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth through affirmative action.
    6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled with victim-hood and decks of race cards.
    7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy, and food stamps, and, if necessary, commuted sentences.
    8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see Obama.
    9 Blessed are the peacemakers, including the anti-Semite ex-President Carter: for they shall be called the children of God.
    10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of reparations and a black separatist State.
    11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake, for you were my Pastor for 20 years.
    12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in welfare: for so persecuted they the minorities which were before you.
    13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, or have given a brotha high blood pressure, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, as were the trans fats before it, and to be trodden under foot of men.
    14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid: even Detroit, yo!
    15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house, and it leaveth no carbon footprint.
    16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works — for the workers control the means of production — and glorify your Father which is in The White House.
    17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets, or the Constitution: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil the Prophecy of Barack.
    18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled by means of cradle-to-grave welfare.
    19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven; you are scum but I forgive you: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven and in the union hall.
    20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness in the form of community service shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.
    21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: thus were included Ramos and Compean despite the justification of their actions.
    22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment, but not the death penalty: and whosoever shall say to his brother,Ba-Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire — or hate crimes prosecution.
    23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, $2300 max, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
    24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift: pay your debts, pay your taxes.
    25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him, at least during the general election campaign; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, to stand beside Rezko, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
    26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing in capital gains.
    27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery, as did mine opponent; I’m just sayin’:
    28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on the GOP VP nominee to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
    29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy fellow Democrats should perish in the primaries, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
    30 And if thy right wing offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy parties should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
    31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: furthermore, let there be an airtight pre-nup.
    32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery: Damn straight! That kitty belongs to me!
    33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths: and the schools shall make thine children do community service.
    34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God’s throne: nor by the Escalade; for it is God’s ride.
    35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King: nor by The White House; for it is his crib.
    36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. Only I, the bi-racial Messiah may do so.
    37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Do not ask, do not tell.
    38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, and a kick in the ass for the fool what smoked all my stuff.
    39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. You have not the right of self-defense.
    40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also, lest I direct the Breck girl to take your ass to the cleaners.
    41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain, as long as it be in a green vehicle.
    42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away, and engage not in deceptive lending practices.
    43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, usually by the demon right wing, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
    44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; and meet them without any preconditions.
    45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust, and practiceth moral relativism without regard to the real world consequence.
    46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? Yeah, that’ right; I slanged it.
    47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? All hail the tax collector!
    48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Well, you crackas can be — literally — pale reflections of my perfection.

    The Sermon on the Plain, Luke 6:17-49 (King James Version):

    17 And he came down with them, and stood in the plane, and the company of his disciples, and a great multitude of reporters out of all Washington DC and New York City, and from the sea coast of California, which came to hear him, and to be healed of their diseases;
    18 And they that were vexed with unclean spirits and partisanship: and they were healed.
    19 And the whole multitude of celebrities sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all.
    20 And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said, Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of increased government spending.
    21 Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled with free food at school. Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh at those that actually work for a living.
    22 Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man’s sake: for you are Democrats.
    23 Rejoice ye in that election day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in entitlements: for in the like manner did their fathers unto the prophets perpetuate the cycle of dependence.
    24 But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation and have thus triggered the windfall profits tax.
    25 Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger when all of the corn is turned into ethanol. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep when the capital gains tax doubles.
    26 Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets, such as at the Republican National Convention.
    27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you. They, too, may suckle at the government’s teat.
    28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you; but if they be Conservatives you may institute a fairness doctrine.
    29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also; unless they utter an epithet — then it is a hate crime.
    30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. “Imagine no possessions”.
    31 And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise; and your name shall be Sullivan.
    32 For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them, and it shall remain legal in Times Square.
    33 And if ye do good to them which do good to you, as a community organizer for instance, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same.
    34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. Worry not, for the bailout will always be there.
    35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. That is my foreign policy.
    36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful — while performing your mandatory community service.
    37 Judge not guilty, and ye shall not be judged guilty: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned to death — no matter how heinous your crime: snitch not, and ye shall not be snitched upon: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:
    38 Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again; unless homeboy had his thumb on the scale, know what I’m sayin’?.
    39 And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch? The results of my campaign will provide the answer.
    40 The disciple is not above his master: but every one that is perfect shall be as his master, especially if you have Mickey Mouse ears.
    41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Yeah! Why you illin’? You think you all that?
    42 Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye. And if you be a member of the NBA, lay claim to each of the children you hath fathered.
    43 For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit; but properly watered bud underneath the right sunlamp . . . suh-weeeeet!
    44 For every tree is known by his own fruit. For of thorns men do not gather figs, nor of a bramble bush gather they grapes, nor of a Moose’s toilet do they drill in ANWR.
    45 A good man out of the good treasury of his nation bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart the Vice-President’s mouth speaketh, despite the four heart attacks visited upon him.
    46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? such as voting down that pant-suited bitch.
    47 Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them without thinking, I will shew you to whom he is like:
    48 He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock, and secured the loan from Tony Rezko for below market value: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock of corruption.
    49 But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an presidential campaign upon the earth; against which the stream of reality did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.

    Icy Truth (4fe729)

  42. My favorite Irish whiskey joke (and I’m half Irish): Paddy is sitting at the bar with his lads, and says to them: Lads, when I’m gone, will you promise to pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over me grave. One of the lads responds, well of course I will Paddy but d’ya mind if I pass it through the system first?

    driver (56cdca)

  43. Two muffins are baking away in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says, “Boy, it sure is hot in here!”

    The second muffin exlaims, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!!!”

    Steverino (db5760)

  44. An old one from an Aussie Uni handbook…

    “Two condoms were walking down the street when they saw a gay bar.

    One condom turned to the other and said, ‘Hey, here’s an idea, let’s go in there and get thoroughly shit-faced!'”

    Gregory (f7735e)

  45. A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices that the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’

    The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?

    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

    With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

    Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.

    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

    Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration…..

    ‘CRAP! THIS ONE ‘S BAREFOOT, TOO !’

    nk (5335a4)

  46. A school teacher and a class of 6 year olds. the teacher is reading the story of the three little pigs. The teacher gets to the part where the little pig approaches the guy with a load of straw. The pig says to the man, “I want to buy your straw to build a house.”

    The teacher quit reading and said to the class, “Now what do you think the man with the straw said when the little pig wanted to buy his straw?”

    One boy raised his hand and said, “Well, I’ll be damned. A talking pig.”

    Years ago, the New Yorker had a cartoon. A Wall Street type, in his tie and pointy shoes, was sitting by his little son’s bed (might have been the same six year old), reading the Three Little Pigs. He said, “Now the first little pig was a fuzzy thinking liberalist and he made his house out of straw.”

    Little pigs. Democrats. Straw houses. Fifth glass of wine. Maybe it not as good as all that. Still, l like the wine.

    Scott (7b485d)

  47. Here’s a semi-creepy bit from one of David Letterman’s audience quizzes, back in his glory days (in the 1980s on Late Night):

    “If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what do you think he’d most likely be doing?:

    A. Writing his memoirs.
    B. Advising the President.
    C. Scratching and clawing desperately at the inside of the top of his coffin.”

    :-)

    qdpsteve (dc65ab)

  48. nk, how can you tell when a blonde’s been using the computer? There’s white-out on the monitor screen.

    Why do blondes prefer cotton panties? They help keep their ankles warm.

    Also, here’s one I made up myself:

    Once upon a time there was a blonde who wanted to be a spy with the CIA. It took a lot of work, but finally she made it through her class and was told by her supervisor to call when she finally got a good tip. Finally, after several months, one day she called.

    Blonde: “Boss, I finally found a good tip!”
    Boss: “What is it, Blondie?”
    Blonde: “I found a place that is out in the open and seems normal, but people come out looking COMPLETELY different than they did when they went in!”
    Boss: “Actually that sounds like a good tip. Good work, Blondie. There could be some bad stuff going on there.”
    Blonde: “Thanks, Boss!”
    Boss: “Now, we have to find this place. Are there any distinguishing characteristics of the location?”
    Blonde: “Yes, sir! In fact there’s a big huge sign right above the door!”
    Boss: “That’s very good work, Blondie. Now, what does the sign say?”
    Blonde: “It says, “Supercuts“!”

    qdpsteve (dc65ab)

  49. A blonde is pulled over for speeding by a lady cop who is also a blonde. The cop walks up to the car and asks for her driver’s license. The driver starts rummaging inside her purse. “What does it look like”, she asks. The cop answers, “It’s a small rectangle with your picture on it”. The driver pulls out a makeup mirror, “This must be it”. The blonde cop looks at it and says: “Ok, you can go. I didn’t know you were a cop, too.”

    nk (5335a4)

  50. McCain was campaigning next to lake Michigan and there was a huge blast of hearlding trumpets followed by a massive flash of light

    Jesus the son of God had arrived

    He spoke clearly and concisely –

    First my children this is NOT the second coming

    Next I am accepting John McCains offer to be the Vice Presidential pick

    I am doing this because if there is going to be a “Messiah” in the Whitehouse – it should at least, be a real one.

    Jesus, then walked out on top of Lake Michigan – extended his hand and said Come John be not afraid

    John McCain strode out on top of the water and the historic photo of all photo ops was taken

    Next Day the NYT’s headlines SCREAMED

    Navy Veteran can’t swim

    EricPWJohnson (c00a5d)

  51. What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a submarine?

    You can’t cross a mountain climber with anything: a mountain climber is a scalar.

    Why did the Siamese twins go to London?

    So the other one could drive.

    Steverino (db5760)

  52. DRJ, as I understand it you’re an attorney. What’s your favorite lawyer joke?

    You too DDA Patterico…

    qdpsteve (dc65ab)

  53. Paddy, having just left the pub is driving down the lane in dear old Ireland. Seamus the local cop catches up with him in the quaint little village as Paddy is bouncing back and forth between the the stone walls along side the road.

    “Paddy”, says the cop, “where ya been?”

    Paddy says, ” I been to the pub, o’course.”

    “So Paddy have ya been drinkin” says Seamus.

    ” Well o’course I been drinkin, what do ya do at the pub? Says Paddy.

    ” I figured it must be so” said Seamus “and I suppose you don’t know that yor wife fell out of the car about a mile back?”

    “OH THANK GOD! said Paddy. I thought I was going deaf!!!!!!

    Paul S (e1e557)

  54. My favorite lawyer joke

    What do all inmates of every race and sex in prison now have in common:

    They are all there on the advice of an atorney

    EricPWJohnson (c00a5d)

  55. Haiku… Isn’t that what the quarterback said to the center?

    backwoods conservative (e54082)

  56. qdp steve,

    I like a lot of lawyer jokes but here are two of my current favorites:

    What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

    and

    A wealthy man on his death bed called his three best friends– his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer– to make a final request. “Who knows what I will find on the other side? Just to be sure, I am giving you each one hundred thousand dollars and I ask that you place an envelope with that amount in my casket.” All three took the money and agreed to fulfill his wish.

    He died soon thereafter and at the funeral each friend slipped an envelope into the casket. After the burial, the three walked together from the grave. The doctor said, “My friends, I have a confession to make; since the hospital was short of funds for treating the poor I only put 80, 000 dollars in the envelope and donated the other 20, 000 to our indigent fund.” The priest then said, “I too have to confess that I gave 50,000 dollars to the homeless and only put fifty thousand in the casket.”

    The lawyer looked both his friends straight in the eye and said, “I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you failed to keep your solemn promise to our dear departed friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full 100, 000 dollars.”

    The last joke is from Marc Galanter’s book.

    DRJ (c953ab)

  57. An engineer, doctor, and lawyer were discussing which of their professions was mentioned first in the Bible.
    The doctor spoke up, “Why, God took a rib out of Adam to make Eve right near the beginning, it must be medicine!”
    The engineer added, “But before that it says that God made the heavens and the earth out of the chaos. Making stuff- that’s engineering!”
    Then the lawyer grinned and said, “And where do you think the chaos came from?”

    MD in Philly (3d3f72)

  58. Four passengers were traveling on the train to Peoria: A rich matron, a young handsome Army private, an old Army General, and a young attractive woman. The train entered a long tunnel and everyone heard a kiss, a slap, and then…silence.

    The train exited the tunnel and all four sat there, trying hard not to look at one another.

    The matron thought with satisfaction: I’m glad she had the courage to give that young rake what he deserved.

    The general, very red faced, thought: The girl must have thought she was slapping the private, but instead she slapped me!

    The young girl, amused, thought: He thought he was going to kiss me but must have kissed her instead.

    The private leaned back with his hands folded behind his head and thought: Is this a great country or what? Where else could I kiss the back of my hand, slug a general and get away with it?

    no one you know (1ebbb1)

  59. Where was baseball first mentioned in the Bible?

    Genesis 1:1. In the beginning…

    backwoods conservative (e54082)

  60. A duck entered a drugstore and picked out some chapstick. He brought it to the counter, and the clerk rang it up.

    “That’ll be $1.59.”

    Said the duck, “Just put it on my bill.”

    About a week later, the duck returned, this time picking out a good-sized box of condoms. The clerk stared.

    “You want me to put these on your bill too?”

    Said the duck in disgust, “What kind of duck do you think I am?!”

    Tom (95d632)

  61. I have another doctor joke. Three doctors are duck hunting. A surgeon, an internist and a pathologist. They decide the internist will take the first duck. A duck flies over and he turns to the others and asks, “Is that a duck ?” By the time they consult, the duck is gone. Next up is the surgeon. A duck appears and he blasts away. Then he turns to the pathologist and says, “Make sure that’s a duck.”

    Another joke. Tonight Barney Frank is saying that he thinks it is funny that Republicans had their feelings hurt by Nancy Pelosi’s rant before the vote. He says, “Show me those 12 Republicans and I’l be real polite to them.” What he actually meant, and I can barely watch him and that tight little mouth of his, is that “I’ll give them a BJ.”

    Mike K (2cf494)

  62. What did the giraffe say when he walked into the bar?

    The highballs are on me!

    rockmom (e42807)

  63. Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, and Ron White are relating what they did before becoming comics:

    Jeff to Ron, “And what did you do before you became a famous comic?”

    Ron, “I worked at a pickle factory.”

    Jeff, “You worked at a pickle factory?”

    Ron, “Yes, but I got fired.”

    Jeff, “You got fired?”

    Ron: “Yes, I got fired for putting my finger in the pickle slicer [pause]

    but she got fired too.”

    lurker (710dbc)

  64. A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

    “Hello,” said the little boy.

    “Hi,” replied the little girl.

    “Where are you going?” asked the little boy.

    “I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home,” answered the little girl.

    “Me too,” replied the little boy. “I’m also on my way home from church.”

    “Which church do you go to?” asked the little boy.

    “I go to the Baptist church back down the road,” replied the little girl. “What about you?”

    “I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,” replied the little boy.

    They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. “If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom’s going to skin me alive,” said the little girl.

    “My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,” replied the little boy

    “I tell you what I think I’ll do,” said the little girl. “I’m gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.”

    “That’s a good idea,” replied the little boy. “I’m going to do the same thing with my suit.” So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

    They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, “You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic.”

    James (1a2f0a)

  65. Q: Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up?

    A: Because it might lead to dancing.

    Dr. K (15994c)

  66. A blonde walks into a drugstore, and asks for a box of condoms.

    The druggist says: ” That’ll be $3.50 plus tax”

    “Oh! so that’s how they keep them on.”

    Dr. K (15994c)

  67. Nov. 5th, 2008.
    Stranger: Knock knock..
    House Owner: Who is it?
    Stranger: President Barack Obama. And I want to say, thank you for vote. You will not regret it. :)

    love2008 (0c8c2c)

  68. “If you are not in the top 5% of earners, I will cut your taxes.”

    Barack Hussein Obama (3e4784)

  69. What does a blonde say after sex.

    Gee,are all you guys really on the same team ?

    kingaljr (7d90f9)

  70. There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast.

    One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

    They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.”

    The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

    Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to punch you.”

    The Scotsman said, “Keep the lousy egg.”

    love2008 (0c8c2c)

  71. A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

    Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.”

    EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

    “By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.”

    COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

    “By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”

    LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

    “Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley’s comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.”

    SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

    “When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”

    love2008 (0c8c2c)

  72. Who was the first Driver in the Bible?
    God. He “drove” Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden.

    love2008 (0c8c2c)

  73. An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

    Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”

    “I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.

    “You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.

    The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”

    The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

    “Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.

    “No. This is the American Embassy.”

    love2008 (0c8c2c)

  74. Where was the first Soviet election?

    Eden

    God ripped a rib out of Adam’s side

    Created woman

    and then said

    Now pick a wife
    *************************************************
    While Boris was walking towards the voting box he started to open his ballot

    The Poltical Commisar cried out

    Boris! What are you doing???

    I want to see who I am voting for replied Boris

    You FOOL! Cried back the Commisar

    Don’t you know this is a SECRET Ballot?

    Dan Kauffman (b31cae)

  75. Question: What do you get if you cross a vulture with an investment banker? Answer: Nothing. There are some things even a vulture won’t do.

    Bar Sinister (7eeb9e)

  76. I am laughing at the WaMu advertisement in the LA times today.

    We love Chase. And not just because they have a trillion dollars.

    Thats funny.

    ML (14488c)

  77. While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

    The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.”

    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

    The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

    The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know she didn’t get up there by herself, she doesn’t belong up there, she doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb-ass put her up there to begin with.”

    Peter (e70d1c)

  78. Amazingly, we think the exact same thing about Obama, Pete…

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  79. I have an Obama joke for Peter, Scott. Not Safe For Work.

    nk (5335a4)

  80. You know I was all ready for a good laugh there nk, even at Obama’s expense but that was just stupid. C’mon where the hell are all the good Obama jokes?? I refuse to believe Republicans have no sense of humor.

    Palin as VP is proof of that.

    Zing.

    Peter (e70d1c)

  81. Palin as VP is proof of that.

    Now you’re quoting FDR from when he was President in 1929. That’s exactly what he said when he went on television to reassure the country about the stock market crash.

    nk (5335a4)

  82. Amazingly, we think the exact same thing about Obama, Pete…

    Har har har.

    This is the point where I could ask if you’ve seen the polls lately, but I won’t because that would be kind of mean.

    So whatever you do don’t check the latest polls. The latest polls are not anything you would want to see. Just forget I even mentioned them.

    The polls that is…

    Don’t do it.

    Peter (e70d1c)

  83. Polls are apparently important again, as trolls all over the web have been referencing them today. Polls that show Baracky improving are to be accepted without question. Polls that do not help Obama are utterly irrelevant, racist, and biased.

    JD (f7900a)

  84. Peter,

    According to Snopes, your post turtle joke goes back to 2001 and it can be used to denigrate any politician. FWIW, most of the post turtle links go to Obama jokes.

    DRJ (c953ab)

  85. Hey DRJ, I didn’t know that was one of those oldie but goodie, retreads that gets hauled out every once in a while.

    JD:

    Polls that show Baracky improving are to be accepted without question. Polls that do not help Obama are utterly irrelevant, racist, and biased.

    That’s word for word the decree that was issued to us Obamabots this very morning. How did YOU guess it? We have special chips implanted that allow direct spiritual ONENESS to THE ONE. It’s rad.

    You know guys, when my Obama jokes are better than your Obama jokes, you know you’re in trouble.

    Still waiting for that killer Obama joke.

    Peter (e70d1c)

  86. Q : How do you starve Baracky?
    A : Hide his paycheck on his Senate seat.

    JD (f7900a)

  87. Q : How do you keep Olberman from drowning?
    A : Take your foot off of his head.

    JD (f7900a)

  88. Still waiting for that killer Obama joke.

    There isn’t very much that’s funny about Chicago’s political hacks, Peter. I suppose I could steal from Mike Royko. “Obama has been my hero ever since I found out that he never did a full day’s work in his life.”

    nk (5335a4)

  89. Peter,

    I didn’t either and it’s still funny. Often the oldies are the goodies.

    DRJ (c953ab)


Powered by WordPress.

Page loaded in: 0.4083 secs.