Sockpuppet Friday—The “Get Your Stinking Paws Off Me You Damn Dirty Ape!” Edition
[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here. Or by Twitter @AaronWorthing.]
As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sock puppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.
Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself, a lot.
And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.
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And for Friday frivolity, via Hot Air, we have the trailer to the new Planet of the Apes prequel, Rise of the Planet of the Apes:
Of course it is really hard to understand how this is reconciled with the timeline of any of the movies (let alone any TV shows or cartoons). After all, there have sort of been two prequels to The Planet of the Apes already. First there was Escape From the Planet of the Apes:
And then there was after that, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes:
Now these are only “sort of” prequels because technically this is what happened. In Beneath the Planet of the Apes, it ends with the Earth being destroyed. So then Escape featured three apes going back in time to 1972. For the most part the subject is treated lightly, and funny, except in the end where all but one of the apes are killed by fearful and intolerant humans. That is why I label it the “Star Trek IV” of the series—the one that is mostly funny. And then Conquest occurs after Escape depicting the ape rebellion. I call it the Empire Strike Back of the series, because it was the dark, cool one. Indeed, its original ending was much darker, captured (poorly) in this video:
That was considered too controversial so instead at the last moment Caesar convinces the apes to spare the remaining humans. Personally I like the darker ending because it’s more in character.
So those two movies are not literally prequels, because 1) they only occur prior in time relative to us, but not to the characters in the movie, and 2) because it is clear by the end of the fifth movie, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, that by that time travel they had changed the timeline entirely, resulting in one where the humans end up living in peace with the apes, instead of blowing up the whole planet. But still its prequel-like.
Indeed, if you really want to get obsessive about the timeline issues, this guy goes very deep into the subject:
And then there is the “reimagining” of the Planet of the Apes directed by Tim Burton which just pretty much stank up the theaters it showed in. But if memory serves (and really I have tried not to even think about it since I saw it), the story was that in the future, in space, they were enhancing chimp intelligence. So that seems to contradict the earth-based setting in Rise. Oh, but there is another way out of the problem, because in the horrifyingly bad twist ending they end up at a parallel Earth where the apes took over ages ago, and replaced Lincoln’s statue at the Lincoln memorial with an ape. So I suppose it could occur earlier in that timeline. But that means they would be treating the Burton film as canon, which seems unlikely because it was so awful.
On the other hand, this trailer for Rise also contradicts significantly the canon in Conquest. In Conquest, it was an ape from the future leading the rebellion. The other apes were more evolved than our present apes, but not because of some science experiment. If memory serves, there was a plague that wiped out dogs and cats, leading humans to adopt more apes as pets and that somehow led to greater intelligence, leading them in turn to be used essentially as slaves. So yeah, its bunk as science and I guess I can’t completely fault them for messing with that if that is their plan with Rise.
Or maybe it is supposed to be a prequel to the original Planet. Thus since Escape and Conquest were technically a different timeline it all still sort of fits.
Or finally, maybe they are just trying to do what they did with Batman Begins: start a whole new series.
Heck, maybe they would even make it into a musical (go here for video–it will start automatically).
Okay, that’s enough nerding out for one day. But I will leave you with a classic moment in the original, from which we get the title of this post:
[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing.]
The driver of the car that JFK was assassinated in, had the name Samuel Kickin (kickin in the front seat, sitting in the back seat…) The assassination occurred on a Friday and when was shot the Secret Service yelled at Jackie Kennedy to “get down” (got to get down on Friday). part about the cold war and spread of communism are also referenced [everybody rushin’ (russian)] and to top it all off, in the hotel that morning JFK declined a breakfast of sausage, eggs and toast for a bowl of Bran Flakes instead (got to have my bown, got to have my cereal) Also, the following Monday JFK was supposed to sign a bill into law requiring all public schools to provide bus transportation for their students. (got to catch my bus…)
Rebecca Black (c16eca) — 4/15/2011 @ 12:31 pmAaron, in Tim Burton’s film, the chimps weren’t being enhanced. They were being trained to pilot a probe into a space anomaly (wormhole) for exploration and research purposes.
This new film seems to be a reboot of the series, like Batman Begins was.
EC (dda60e) — 4/15/2011 @ 12:47 pmThe Oval Office, I always thought I was going to have really cool phones and stuff. I’m like, c’mon guys, I’m the president of the United States. Where’s the fancy buttons and stuff and the big screen comes up?
Barack Obama (c16eca) — 4/15/2011 @ 12:52 pmPlus, the re-make had Marky Mark emoting, so there was that.
Bigfoot (8096f2) — 4/15/2011 @ 12:52 pmEC
like most traumatic events, i might have blocked out my memory of the burton version. but i thought the chimps were enhanced too.
*ow* flashback!
Aaron Worthing (e7d72e) — 4/15/2011 @ 12:54 pmI’d like to take this opportunity to invite you all to the launch of the President’s reelection campaign.
We here at Reelect Obama For Leader are very excited about the President’s platform of Spend, Tax, Federalize and Unionize America!, and are planning Memorial Day barbecues across this great land in order to promote the President’s plan of Orgamize Massive Government to Win The Future.
We hope to see you there. And when you cast your ballot next November, we hope you’ll look back fondly on President Barack Obama’s campaign launch of
ROFL STFU America! OMGWTFBBQ
ROFL (1db6c5) — 4/15/2011 @ 12:54 pmI think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody. We live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you’ll join with me as we try to change it.
Sen Obama made what is a political vote as opposed to doing what was important for the country. Sorry!
Barack Obama (c16eca) — 4/15/2011 @ 12:58 pmThe War of Northern Aggression was not about slavery. It was actually about protecting vulnerable negroes who could not protect themselves. For proof, just look at the hundreds of thousands of southern negroes who voluntarily fought alongside their masters in that conflict to preserve their right to be protected. There are two sides to every story and bigoted historians in hymietown and flyover country have tried to supress the truth about this great struggle for too long. The mother ship has beamed the truth to me and other great patriots and we will not be silenced.
Nathan Bedford retire05 (bf33e9) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:00 pmI thought it was Reelect Obama For Life?
Aaron Worthing (e7d72e) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:00 pmWe are the ones.
We’ve.
Been.
Waiting for.
BTW, My comment #3 is not a spoof of Obama, but an actual quote. You should be thanking me.
Barack Obama (c16eca) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:02 pmI now know what Chris Matthews meant when he said that Obama gave him a thrill up his leg.
John Boehner (848837) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:17 pmDear GOP: “Nyah, Nyah!
CEO-Planned Parenthood (848837) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:20 pm@9
That name didn’t test well in focus groups, but we plan to phase it in after the election, just like “Obama For America” became “Organizing For America”.
Hope to see you at OMGWTFBBQ, and remember… STFU America!
ROFL (1db6c5) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:21 pmAn Obama speech is better than Lunesta or Sominex.
VP Joe Biden (848837) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:23 pmDear Public Employee Union Protesters: BOHICA and LOL!
Judge David Prosser-WI (848837) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:28 pmGawd, but I miss the smooth, rounded hardness of the Speaker’s tool, um, er- I mean gavel!
Nancy Pelosi (848837) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:31 pm@15
Judge Prosser, I assume you’re referring to the Barack Obama Health Insurance Competition Act? I’m not familiar with “LOL”.
ROFL (1db6c5) — 4/15/2011 @ 1:37 pmThe guy puts me to sleep.
Obama's Teleprompter (fd190b) — 4/15/2011 @ 2:05 pmWake up, Teleprompter! I am nothing without you!
Barry Obama (e7d72e) — 4/15/2011 @ 2:21 pmDear ROFL: Upstart!
ROFLMAO (848837) — 4/15/2011 @ 2:35 pmNice to see the rest of the Kardashians getting feature film work.
Joe Biden (5fe13c) — 4/15/2011 @ 2:37 pmApes should be emancipated, and are natural Democrats.
Joe Biden (5fe13c) — 4/15/2011 @ 2:38 pmRE: memo this morning
The memo comes from the Economic Policy Office and is the basis for the Big Guy’s economic policy, they want us to come up with a replacement for last years “Recovery Summer” to help sell the policy to the public. It’s going to be a long night so settle in and give me some good ideas.
p.s. Does anyone have a gun I can borrow to shoot myself with? One bullet is all I need, you can have it back right after.
White House Office of Theme Development (2f2a28) — 4/15/2011 @ 2:42 pmZOMFGWTFBBQ !!!!
JD (318f81) — 4/15/2011 @ 2:53 pm@24
Thank you for your interest, but I don’t think Zionists will be welcome at the Organize Massive Government to Win The Future Barbecue.
If you’d like to make a cash donation to the Democrats, though, we’re more than happy to accept. Don’t bother writing a check… we’ll just send some of your tax money to Planned Parenthood (or another group) and get it back through them.
ROFL (1db6c5) — 4/15/2011 @ 3:17 pmI lost!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I lost!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
JoAnne Kloppenburg (58d2a4) — 4/15/2011 @ 3:20 pmOh, Shit, she lost..
U of Wis. faculty (e80054) — 4/15/2011 @ 3:59 pmBeneath the Return of the Conquest of the Planet of the Apes!
It was getting like Police Academy 45.
∅ (e7577d) — 4/15/2011 @ 3:59 pmBarry can we talk?
I’m getting sick of the scripts written by 26 year olds-really it’s beneath me.
I have standards.
Obama's Teleprompter (fd190b) — 4/15/2011 @ 4:40 pmI. just. might. quit. you….
Obama's Teleprompter (fd190b) — 4/15/2011 @ 4:41 pm‘This is going to be great’
superman returns (8a8b93) — 4/15/2011 @ 4:54 pmAnyone who sockpuppets me on an “apes” threat is racist!
Barack Hussein Obama, President of the whole United States of America (5a4fb2) — 4/15/2011 @ 5:17 pmWhy is BuhRock getting all the attention here. Dr. Jilly and I went to visit the troops this week. Does no one appreciate us? The troops were thrilled.
Michelle Obama FLOTUS (d09837) — 4/15/2011 @ 7:06 pm“Congress’s job is to pass legislation. The president can veto it, or he can sign it. But what George Bush has been trying to do as part of his effort to accumulate more power in the presidency, is he’s been saying ‘Well, I can basically change what Congress passed by attaching a letter saying, I don’t agree with this part, or I don’t agree with that part. I’m going to choose to interpret it this way or that way,’” Obama said.
“That’s not part of his power. But this is part of the whole theory of George Bush that he can make laws as he’s going along. I disagree with that. I taught the Constitution for ten years. I believe in the Constitution. And I will obey the Constitution of the United States. We’re not going to use signing statements as a way of doing an end run around Congress,” Obama said.
Barack Obama (318f81) — 4/15/2011 @ 7:42 pmNot sure where else to put this: Rick Santorum picks a winner for his campaign slogan.
(Be warned before you click: there’s an ad on the sidebar for a gay nudist resort. Just in case you have a problem with gay nudist resorts.)
http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2011/04/15/31869
kishnevi (a7750b) — 4/15/2011 @ 7:48 pmWas I a liar when I was campaigning, or a liar now? Or both?
Barack Obama (318f81) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:11 pmKishnevi – what was anti-gay about that slogan?
JD (318f81) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:13 pmThis is the operator of the Truth Detector Van (er… the Looney Detector Van). Mr. Obama, you are incapable of telling the truth.
M. Python (deceased) (58d2a4) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:15 pmJD–nothing in the slogan is anti gay. in fact the reverse is true. The fail lies in the fact that it originated as a pro-union, pro-Communist, pro-gay poem–and Santorum is against at least two of those three things.
It would be sort of like NEA campaigning against Gov. Walker using the slogan “Don’t tread on me!”.
kishnevi (a7750b) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:27 pmI was just trying to see how that fit in with the claimed focus on News, analysis, and fact-checking of anti-gay rhetoric, kishnevi.
JD (318f81) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:30 pmIsn’t it strange how some songs speak to you, the other day I heard How Could You Believe Me When I Told You That I Loved You When You Known I’ve Always Been A Politician? and it made me think about my life.
wait do Monkees count on an ape thread?
Al Gore (2f2a28) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:34 pm“The fail lies in the fact that it originated as a pro-union, pro-Communist, pro-gay poem–and Santorum is against at least two of those three things.”
kishnevi – They can claim it originates there all they want. Looking at the poem, it does not seem that close.
Even so, so what. Does lifting a phrase mean you agree with everything the person who originally coined it believed. Obviously not. Nothing to see here.
daleyrocks (bf33e9) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:43 pmHello. Anybody?
Nancy Pelosi (177d8e) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:48 pmObama won’t have me to kick around anymore. I won’t be fooled into attending one of his events again.
Paul Ryan (d09837) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:50 pmHey Ryan, I will beat you on the links or the court.
Let me get back to you on important things. By the way, your hair looks goofy.
The Big O (177d8e) — 4/15/2011 @ 8:55 pmS.E. Cupp must be euthanized . . . this IS a part of the new civility.
Olbermann (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 12:59 amThe U.N. is never wrong!
Even when they’re completely wrong.
Ha! That’s subtlety.
kman (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 1:02 amDid anyone fail to notice that I photoshopped my book-cover portrait to trim a few pounds off my fat, round face and square up my jaw? It’s my way of manning up for the war against people who dismissed me in high school and Hollywood.
Andrew Breitbart (0347f6) — 4/16/2011 @ 3:04 am“Is this thing on?”
Da Prez (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 6:01 amYes, the apocalypse is triggered by his re-election.
2012 (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 6:03 amWagging the fickle middle-finger of fate since 2008!
2012 Campaign Slogan (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 6:06 amCan Loretta Weinburg apologize for her useful idiocy?
DohBiden (15aa57) — 4/16/2011 @ 6:07 amTo leave the U.N. would violate international law . . .
. . . therefore it’s unconstitutional.
Comrades Ginsburg, Kagen, Breyer & Wise Latina (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 6:10 am“Get your stinking paws off of my Constitution, you damn dirty ape!”
Politically Incorrect Astronaut Taylor (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 7:01 amТоварищи Ginsburg, Kagen, Breyer & Wise Latina wrote:
So, would the United Nations do to the United States what the United States did to us when we tried to leave?
The Honorable Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States of America (5a4fb2) — 4/16/2011 @ 8:45 amThat’s what I’ve been saying! The U.N. is a federal republic for the world — just like the U.S.A.
Da Prez (64c313) — 4/16/2011 @ 11:00 amThe movie is set in its own continuity.
Michael Ejercito (64388b) — 4/16/2011 @ 11:04 pm