Patterico's Pontifications

6/19/2009

How You Know We’re Not Really in a Budget Crisis

Filed under: General — Patterico @ 7:52 pm



Because if we were, Obama wouldn’t be spending money on stuff like this:

The federal government is spending $423,500 to find out why men don’t like to wear condoms . . .

I’ll tell you for half that.

More from the “Duh” file of Studies That Cost a Fortune to Tell You What You Already Know:

The NIH spends $29 billion each year to help fund thousands of health studies at home and abroad.

But some questionable queries have come under close scrutiny, including a $400,000 study being conducted in bars in Buenos Aires to find out why gay men engage in risky sexual behavior while drunk; a $2.6 million study dedicated to teaching prostitutes in China to drink less while having sex on the job; and a $178,000 study to better understand why drug-abusing prostitutes in Thailand are at greater risk for HIV infection.

Submit your ideas for new studies in the comments.

48 Responses to “How You Know We’re Not Really in a Budget Crisis”

  1. I think the condoms being studied are made of wood, manufactured by government owned Trojan.

    maxpower (3fe308)

  2. I propose a study to determine exactly how the following can be implemented…

    “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

    Especially the “alter or abolish” part.

    Dave Surls (d96e1a)

  3. Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost, overnight?

    nk who will call himself Nadine Groot for a while (d111a3)

  4. How come the needle always moves toward “Empty” when I drive?

    Perfect Sense (0922fa)

  5. I would like to commission a study for $100,000 on “Why I like Chocolate.”

    HeavenSent (1e97ff)

  6. Where’s Icy Truth/Texan? He’s great at these lists.

    DRJ (cdbef5)

  7. I would like to commission a study for $100,000 on “Why I like Chocolate.”

    And I volunteer to my services in this study by making the supreme sacrifice of being the lab rat and eating just as much chocolate(s) as is required for the NIH to find out the motivating reasons why.

    Dana (aedf1d)

  8. We need a study funded to see if further studies should be funded.

    AnonymousDrivel (09c7b0)

  9. how about a study as to why we need government?

    redc1c4 (fb8750)

  10. #9,

    I think that’s the one thing they could expound upon effusively without any funding whatsoever… probably in a slightly hysteric tone of voice.

    Leviticus (20b7ac)

  11. Are these studies about people getting high and having sex with random partners primarily being commissioned by Democrats or Republicans?

    Alta Bob (9f2c33)

  12. The funny thing is that it could have been a half a billion dollar study instead of a half a million dollar study and it wouldn’t cause any more or less outcry.

    Half a trillion might raise a couple extra eyebrows though. A couple.

    jcurtis (715983)

  13. I think we need a study to find out once and for all, “does a bear sh** in the woods?”

    I’ll need at least a million to bunk in at the Ahwahnee Hotel, research HQ, for the duration.

    Patricia (2183bb)

  14. It is high time that the government study why it is that USC fans are the most obnoxious, arrogant, gaseous, and vapid, blowhards in American sport.

    Ed from SFV (dde255)

  15. In keeping with the theme of “Self-explanatory studies”, I suppose. Cheers.

    Leviticus (20b7ac)

  16. I’d like a mil. or two to study why my glasses get dirtier on the less exposed (face) side than on the more exposed (outer) side.

    Bill G (d21c69)

  17. Alta Bob asks “Are these studies about people getting high and having sex with random partners primarily being commissioned by Democrats or Republicans?”

    I don’t know, but if it’s the GOP doing the commissioning, they are surveying only straight people about same-sex encounters. As you can see, this does not cover a very wide stance.

    Both parties in congress are sponsoring a survey on serial bigamists; they want to learn more about themselves.

    (sorry, it’s early. haven’t had my coffee)

    the friendly grizzly (45101f)

  18. @ 13: Patricia: yes. We do.

    the friendly grizzly (45101f)

  19. How often does Barney Frank visit Buenos Aires?

    xerocky (cf0c5e)

  20. I am going to generously offer my services for comprehensive testing and study on the following …
    -Why men like boobies.
    -Why men like John Deere.
    -Why men like to golf.
    -Why men like to eat dead animals cooked medium rare.
    -Why the US Open is the sternest test of golf.
    -Why men who like boobies like to go to Mardi Gras.

    JD (cb96c4)

  21. We need a study as to why people continue to put up with such nonsense from the government.

    Dan F (8ce868)

  22. I’ll need half a trillion to study why we have to pay taxes.

    Dmac (f7884d)

  23. I will also need $1M to study the effects of wind and tight greens on a golf ball. The Inn at Spanish Bay or Pebble Beach should make fine labs.

    JD (cb96c4)

  24. I believe he government should have a study on the adverse effects of the first black president on the US economy and way of life.

    Stephen Morgan (2665a9)

  25. I’d like $1.2 million to study the impact of surfing and eating seafood along the East coast, please.

    Also, $1.45 billion to study why people vote for people who have never had an actual job involving control of money.

    William Teach (02c67a)

  26. It is high time that the government study why it is that USC fans are the most obnoxious, arrogant, gaseous, and vapid, blowhards in American sport.

    Comment by Ed from SFV

    I think it is because the fans of their opposing teams are such powder puffs. Please e-mail for directions on where to send the grant money.

    Mike K (90939b)

  27. The whole wearing powder blue thing has too be tough on your sense of masculinity.

    JD (cb96c4)

  28. I wonder if Excitable Andy or the Gleeeeeens had anything to do with those studies.

    JD (cb96c4)

  29. Okay, I denounce myself, but I cannot be the only one that saw the connection to supermanglutes and going bareback in Brazilian gay bars.

    JD (cb96c4)

  30. That’s a connection no one wanted to see there JD… ewwww… my breakfast which just burped out denounces you… my dog seems happy though

    Just give me half the money that would otherwise go to dumb studies and I’ll save the tax payer 50%.

    SteveG (c99c5c)

  31. Sorry SteveG. I blame the cabana boyz.

    JD (cb96c4)

  32. Comment by Ed from SFV — 6/19/2009 @ 11:58 pm

    As distinct from Raider’s fans?

    AD - RtR/OS! (46d66c)

  33. Could I get funding for a study of the effects of kinetic-energy particles on obnoxious, bloviating gas-bags?
    A comprehensive study shouldn’t take more than 2-5 years with a projected cost of $50M – plus legal fees.

    AD - RtR/OS! (46d66c)

  34. Oh,I suggest the need for a $1.7 million grant in order to buy Pepto for all of us who read JD’s comment, as well as intensive psychotherapy and meds 😀

    William Teach (2f3de1)

  35. I already have a 3,875,000,000 dollar grant to study the effects of bleach on the mind’s eye after reading a particularly noxious blog comment.

    JD (cb96c4)

  36. I’d volunteer to be a test subject, but, that would probably involved having to read more of Excitable Andy’s writings

    William Teach (2f3de1)

  37. JD

    At first I thought that wasn’t enough $$$, but buy me a pitcher of margaritas for research purposes and I’ll get back to you

    SteveG (c99c5c)

  38. Condoms are a big hassle, since you have to wear two at a time to ensure that they work.

    Michael Ejercito (833607)

  39. Michael, are you a marsupial ? They have bifed you-know-whats but the rest of us get by with one.

    MIke K (90939b)

  40. Do blondes really have more fun? I would need a statistically significant sample — say 27 blondes, 27 brunettes, and 27 redheads. Also, a budget for dinner, music, movies ….

    nk who will call himself Nadine Groot for a while (cf618d)

  41. […] courtesy of Patterico, we’ve found another example of wise government […]

    Common Sense Political Thought » Blog Archive » You just can’t make up this stuff! (73d96f)

  42. NK offers the public service of doing intensive research into the question, “Do blondes really have more fun?” Alas! nk’s research is not needed, because other research has already determined that natural blondes will be extinct in another 200 years.

    Therefore, nk, no, we will not need your study. Sorry about that.

    The budget-conscious Dana (474dfc)

  43. No, my “research” will be more vital than ever. Phenotype and genotype are two different things. As long as the blond gene is preserved, even if the phenotype is the brunette gene of the other parent, it will always have the chance to manifest itself. A simple example,

    Father’s parents: One blond, one brunette. If the article is correct, the father will be a brunette.

    Mother’s parents: One blond, one brunette. Again, mother is a brunette.

    Child: 25% chance that it will be a brunette without the blonde gene; 50% chance that it will be a brunette carrying the blonde gene; 25% chance that it will be a blond carrying two blond genes.

    nk who will call himself Nadine Groot for a while (cf618d)

  44. Well, then, can I be the research assistant responsible for green-eyed redheaded Irish girls?

    The always helpful Dana (474dfc)

  45. If I can get funding for you.

    nk who just got a blackberry (92df48)

  46. I’d like to fund a study into whether liberals actually like the smell of their own farts.

    thedrop (04efc2)

  47. I need a large chunk of cash to find out if living debt free can lead to greater happiness a better sex life.

    That should get funded in 10 minutes.

    tyree (a665d4)


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