Patterico's Pontifications

12/28/2007

Tell Us Your Favorite Joke

Filed under: General,Humor — Patterico @ 7:44 am



Commenter nk told a joke last night, and I thought it might be fun for the rest of you to do the same.

What’s your favorite joke?

Let’s hear from everyone, even those of you who usually don’t comment.

Feel free to tell more than one. It’s fine if it’s off-color; just warn us at the beginning of your comment.

Let the joke-telling begin!

96 Responses to “Tell Us Your Favorite Joke”

  1. Feel free to tell more than one.

    Ok. This is one my father told me a few years back and it’s suitable for PTA ice cream socials.

    Mommy gets a fur coat for Christmas. The little boy upon seeing it asks: “Mommy, do you know what that poor creature went through just so you could wear that coat?” Mommy says, “Yes I do, dear, but it’s not nice to call Daddy a creature”.

    nk (c87736)

  2. This is one Bill Handel asked me to make into a promo.

    Why can’t Bill Press eat pickles?

    Because he gets his head stuck in the jar.

    PCD (5c49b0)

  3. A large corporation was searching for a new CEO and the Board of Directors had narrowed the search down to three candidates. An engineer, a physicist and a lawyer.

    The board brought each candidate in for an interview. The board brings in the engineer and asks: “How much is 2 + 2″?

    The engineer pulls an envelope out of his pocket and a pen from his pocket protector and scratches a bit. Finally he says: “Its about 4″. OK, the chairman says, “thanks for your time, we’ll call you”.

    The physicist is brought in and is asked the same question: “What is 2 + 2″? He goes down to the lab, crashes a few electrons together and comes back a bit later to report: “It is between 3.99999 and 4.00001″. Thanks, he is told, “we’ll give you a call”.

    The lawyer arrives for his interview and is asked the same question. “What is 2 + 2″?

    The lawyer draws closed the blinds of the conference room, and checks the lock on the door. He checks the cabinets closely and looks under the speaker phone for a bug.

    He then says: “What do you want it to be”?

    SPQR (26be8b)

  4. A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

    The bear looks at the rabbit and asks, “Mr. Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”

    The rabbit turns to the bear and replies “No Sir Mr. Bear, I do not”.

    So the bear reached over and wiped his ass with the rabbit.

    It never gets old.

    Gabriel (6d7447)

  5. I got this from one of the joke-a-day Dashboard widgets a couple years ago, and has always been a favorite of mine. It’s off-color, I guess.

    An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed.”

    Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.

    Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.

    “Why that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.

    “No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”

    “And there you have it,” said the artist, “I call it ‘Holy cow look at all the fucking Indians.'”

    CJ (3b353a)

  6. A little off color.

    Mickey and Minnie Mouse were getting divorce and Mickey just told the judge why. The judge replied:

    “Mr. Mouse, insanity is not legal grounds for divorce.” To which Mickey replied:

    “I didn’t say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!”

    Headhunt23 (9e1243)

  7. A very elderly couple appears before a judge.
    “Your honor, we want a divorce.”
    “A divorce?” asks the judge, “Ho old are you?”
    “I’m 93. She’s 89.”
    “And how long have you been married?”
    “65 years.”
    “And after 65 years, NOW you want a divorce?”
    “We would have done it sooner, but we decided to wait until the children were dead.”

    David Ehrenstein (4ce68d)

  8. A couple of old lawyer jokes in honor of our host…

    Mickey Mouse, a rabbi, an honest lawyer, and Superman are sitting around a table with a $100 bill in the middle of the table. The light suddenly go out. After 10 seconds, the lights come back on but the $100 bill is gone! Who took the $100??

    The rabbi-the other three are fictional characters.

    What do you have when there are 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

    A good start

    A lawyer is swimming with a bloody foot and there are hungry sharks swimming about. Why do the sharks not attack?

    Professional courtesy

    Old but cute
    BTW, the bear one is HILARIOUS!!

    FLBuckeye (c7ed58)

  9. I’m part Cajun, so here’s a clean one. They can get real nasty.

    A Cajun applies for a job at the post office.

    He’s hired.

    On the first day of his employment, the boss goes into the sorting room to check on his new worker and sees the Cajun flinging the letters and mail into the slots. The Cajun is just fantastic. He’s picking up the letters and throwing them with his left hand and his right hand. Zoom, zoom, the mail is flying into the appropriate slots for delivery.

    The boss sees him and says, “Damned, you’re fantastic. You’re the fastest mail sorter I’ve ever seen.”

    The Cajun, continues flinging the mail, replies: “You think I’m good now, you just wait and see how I do once I learn how to read.”

    SteveMG (a48ff4)

  10. Something tells me you’ll like this one, Patterico.

    Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking:

    Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date at the canasta game this afternoon. I know you went out with him last week, Edna, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

    Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you, Dorothy, that man is something! He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed myself so much, I could have died right then from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL! An ANIMAL, I tell you! He goes completely crazy! He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me not once, but two times! I tell you, Dorothy, I was completely exhausted!”

    Dorothy: “Goodness gracious, Edna! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

    Edna: “Shoot, no, Dorothy. I’m just telling you to wear an old dress.”

    EHeavenlyGads (17aca7)

  11. Three engineers and three scientists are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three scientists each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket” asks the scientist. “Watch and you’ll see”, answers an engineer. They all board the train. The scientists take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please”. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The scientists saw this and agreed that it was a very clever idea.

    So, after the conference the scientists decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save money (being clever with money and all that !). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket” says one perplexed scientist. “Watch and you’ll see”, answers an engineer. When they board the train, the three scientists cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the scientists are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please” !!

    Al (b624ac)

  12. Two guys are hiking in an Indian jungle, and stumble upon a tiger hovering over a fresh kill. As the tiger notices them and appears ready to attack, one man calmly sits down pulling a pair of track shoes out of his backpack. His partner sees him changing shoes, and whispers with a frantic eye on the approaching tiger…”What the hell? You think you’re going to out run that tiger?”

    “Not at all, I only have to out run you.”

    allan (baf225)

  13. I love long jokes, so here it goes:

    One day it starts getting crowded up in Heaven, so St. Peter announces to the people lined up at the Pearly Gates that for the rest of the day only those with really hard luck stories will be getting in. The first guy approaches and St. Peter says, “OK buddy, let’s hear the hard luck story.” So the guy proceeds to tell him:

    “Well, for the last few weeks I have been certain that my wife was cheating on me, so today I left work early and headed home with the intention of catching her in the act. I went into our apartment building and up to the 29th floor where we live, and I burst through the door and headed towards our bedroom. I could hear some noises being made, but by the time I flung open our bedroom door all I saw was my naked and sweaty wife. I started screaming at her and I tore open the closet doors and looked under the bed, but I couldn’t find anyone else. I was just about to give up when I suddenly heard a noise out on our balcony. I went out there and sure enough, there was a naked guy dangling from our ledge, 29 stories up. I was so mad that I started punching and kicking him, but he held on so I went back inside, grabbed a hammer, and smashed his fingers. He let go and plunged down all 29 flights, but the lucky sonofabitch managed to hit the awning outside our building and bounce into the bushes. At this point I was so mad that I rushed into our kitchen, ripped the refrigerator out of the wall, dragged it onto the balcony and threw it down on top of him. It did the trick, but all that exertion got to be and I had a massive heart attack, and well, here I am.”

    St. Peter says, “Yeah, that’s a hard luck story all right. Go ahead and go on in.”

    The next guy comes to the line and St. Peter says, “OK, give me your hard luck story.” The guys tells him:

    “Well, I live on the 30th floor of an apartment building and I like to sunbathe nude on my balcony in the afternoon. I was out there today catching some rays when I suddenly heard a great commotion going on one floor below. I went to the end of my balcony and peered down over the railing, but I slipped and tumbled over it and started to fall down. Luckily, I managed to catch myself on the ledge one floor below, and suddenly a guy came out. I figured he would help me, but instead he starts punching and kicking me. I held on with all my might, but he eventually got a hammer and smashed my fingers, so I let go and fell down to the bottom. I must have hit our building’s awning and bounced into the bushes, and I was just regaining my senses when I looked up and this refrigerator was coming down on me, and well, here I am.”

    “Yep,” St. Peter says, “that’s a hard luck story alright. Come on in.”

    A third guy approaches and St. Peter says, “You know the drill. Tell me your hard luck story.” To this the guy responds:

    “Picture this. I’m hiding naked in this refrigerator. . .”

    JVW (13af87)

  14. The moil retired after 45 years of service, having performed more than 18,000 circumcisions. He had carefully saved and preserved the foreskins from the thousands of male babies (and a few adults–yeech).

    He took the foreskins to a leather worker, described his life experience, and asked what might be made of this material. “Something significant, both memorable and useful,” suggested the moil.

    “Give me 6 months,” replied the leather worker.

    Every few weeks the moil returned to the shop to check on progress. At first, the leather worker had nothing to offer, but eventually the moil could sense the excitement and pride the artisan had in his project. “You’re going to be so pleased,” said the shop owner to the moil.

    Finally, at the end of six months the project was completed. The moil entered the shop with great anticipation. With great pride, the store owner reached under the counter and pulled out a surprisingly small box. Opening it, the moil found a small wallet–artfully done but still very small. Clearly disappointed, the moil said, “A wallet? 45 years and 18,000 foreskins and all I get is a wallet?”

    “A wallet, yes,” responded the shop owner, “but if you rub it it turns into a suitcase.”

    ManlyDad (d62cf6)

  15. “Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.”

    Colin MacDougall (b44c01)

  16. Two guys are sitting in a bar at the top of the Empire State building. Guy 1 goes over to the window.

    Guy 1: Wow, the wind is blowing up against the building. I almost feel like I could jump out the window and the wind would blow me back in.

    He jumps out the window, and sure enough the wind blows him back in.

    Guy 1: Wow! You gotta try this, it’s a blast!

    He jumps out the window again, comes flying back in.

    Guy 1: So fun!

    Guy 2: Wow! I gotta try that.

    Guy 2 jumps out the window. Guy 1 goes back to the bar and orders a drink

    Bartender: You know, you’re a real prick when you’re drunk, Superman.

    Josh (2169e3)

  17. Old Fred,a resident at the local nursing home, had been after Helen for years, trying to arrange a romantic interlude. Helen would have none of it. Finally after many years Fred said: “Helen, next week I’ll be 90 years old. I’m not going to live forever, can’t you finally treat me right?” Helen thought for a moment, agreed and told old Fred to come to her room that night at 9:00. Fred showered and shaved, put on his best, grabbed the Viagra and arrived promptly at 9:00. Helen opened the door, led Fred across the room, removed her robe, and, stark naked, crawled into bed. As she did so, she placed a small bottle of nitroglycerin tablets on the night stand and said to Fred: “We may need to stop part way through this; you need to know that I have acute angina.” Fred remarked: “God, I hope so, because you sure do have ugly tits.”

    MikeD (538932)

  18. A man was relaxing in his living room, watching the game and having a snack. Suddenly, he hears a knock at the front door. He opens the door but doesn’t see anyone there. He looks right, then left, and is just about to close the door when he looks down and sees a snail looking up at him. The snail says, “Excuse me, I’m kinda hungry. Could I please bother you for something to eat?” Both angered and amazed at the same time, the man picks up the snail and hurls him into the yard, slamming the front door behind him.

    Three years later–same house, same man relaxing, watching a game and having a snack. Suddenly, he hears a knock at the front door. He opens the door but doesn’t see anyone there. He looks right, then left, and is just about to close the door when he looks down and sees a snail looking up at him. The snail asks, “Wha’d ya do that for?”

    Joel (6e7bf5)

  19. Whatta great thread! Lots of cool jokes. (Thanks for the warnings too BTW.)

    Am Catholic so I can tell this:

    Jesus is calmly standing in an angry crowd with a woman taken in the act of adultery. He bends down and writes on the ground, then straightens up. “What shall we do with her, rabbi?” the leaders ask. Jesus replies with authority, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

    The crowd is silent, and the eldest in the crowd begin to turn, to walk away. Suddenly in the silence, a small rock hits the woman right on the side of the head. Jesus whips around, then shakes his head. “Oh, Mother…”

    no one you know (1f5ddb)

  20. Great idea, Patterico! Here are two:

    1. Two IRA terrorists are standing in front of a map of the London Underground. One terrorist points to the “you are here” part of the map. “It’s no good, Paddy,” he wails. “They know where we are!”

    2. A nervous fellow is walking at night through the streets of Belfast. Suddenly, he feels a gun barrel in the small of his back. A voice whispers “Be ye Catholic or be ye Protestant?”

    Thinking quickly, the fellow says “Neither! I’m Jewish.”

    There is a pause and then voice says “Mother Mary, and I’m the luckiest Muslim in all Eire!”

    Eric Blair (08319c)

  21. (Cribbed from a “Family Guy” rerun seen last night)

    A priest and a rabbi are walking into a bar. The rabbi turns to the priest and says, “Hey, did you hear the one about us?”

    McGehee (44241a)

  22. A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

    “Look, it’s not the same hat!
    Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table.
    Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

    The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

    Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

    This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

    “OK, I give up, where’s the fucking ship?”

    Mace (a7e648)

  23. How about a true funny story?

    When my #2 daughter, Erin, was about five, she and the next door boy, Michael, who was the same age loved to play together. However, they could only do it for short periods of time because they would inevitably end up fighting. Michael figured since he was a boy he should always win and my Erin would just have none of that nonsense. One day they were playing basketball — the li’l kidsize version — and everytime Erin would score Michael would get mad and take the ball away. Erin definitely had inherited her father’s Irish temper and it flared in this instance. Suddenly there is a knock on my door and there stands Michael.

    “Mrs. M! Mrs. M! Erin just called me a ‘bitch’”

    “Ok. Michael. I’ll talk to Erin.”

    Now name-calling is one of my pet-peeves. I’ve always tried to tell my girls that getting mad is ok, anger is normal, but we don’t hit and we don’t call names. So I call Erin over (who is still huffing about the injustice of Michael) and tell her not to call Michael a ‘bitch.’

    “That’s a bad word, Erin. You know our house rules about bad words and name calling”

    So she goes back to play. Within about 10 minutes there is yet another knock on the door.

    “Mrs. M! Mrs. M! Erin called me a ‘bitch’ again.”

    So again I call Erin over, explain firmly what I expect. I even tell her to stop playing with Michael if it’s going to make her so mad. She really really wants to play with him. And I tell her she’s been warned twice. If it happens again, I will wash her mouth out with soap.

    15 minutes later … ::knock:: ::knock:: “Mrs. M! Erin called me a ‘bitch.’”

    True to my word, I took Erin to the bathroom, put some soap on my finger and “washed her mouth” of the dirty word. She was upset, for sure. I emphasised “Erin this is what happens after two warnings. Are you going to call Michael a ‘bitch’ again? Because that will mean more soap.”

    “No, mommy.”

    And like all fast-bouncing little kids she soon regains her calm and wants to go back and play.

    20 minutes later … ::::knock:::knock:::

    I’m rolling my eyes as I open the door to find Michael … “Mrs. M! Mrs. M! …”

    “Oh Michael” I interrupt thinking of what to do outside of soap “Did Erin call you a ‘bitch’ again?”

    “No, Mrs. M! This time she called me a ‘fucking asshole.’”

    Darleen (187edc)

  24. a peasant was arrested by some knights and brought before the king.

    the king told him, “here’s what’s happening. the french ambassador is in town to negotiate a treaty with me, and i am absolutely committed to the success of this negotiation. about two hours ago in the marketplace, the ambassador caught sight of your wife, and took an immediate shine to her. they’re together now as we speak. you have two options. option one, you subordinate your personal interests to the good of your country, take one for the team as it were. you’ll get your wife back in three or four days, along with a purse containing 100 gold coins and a royal proclamation commending you for valiant but unspecified services to the realm. if you don’t like option one, option two is i put you on trial for treason and have your head off of your shoulders by lunchtime, so tell me my man, what’s it gonna be?”

    the peasant said “sire?”

    the king said “yes?”

    the peasant said “how many gold coins will you give me if i let the ambassador have her for a whole month?”

    assistant devil's advocate (f4d1f7)

  25. Here’s one stolen from Who’s Line

    News Flash:
    A man has been discovered dead in a field of rice. It is reported that he was robbed of his Lladro collection.
    Police say this is the first case they have seen of a nick nack paddy wack.

    Dr T (340565)

  26. An elderly man is at his doctor’s office for a visit. The doctor comes into the examining room and asks the man to tell him what the problem is.

    “Well, you know my wife of 62 years died a few months ago. Some weeks after the funeral, I met a beautiful twenty-one year-old waitress at the diner near my house. We got to talking and eventually dating. She is an animal! We have sex in the morning, sex in the afternoon and sex all night. We have sex in the bedroom, the bathroom, and sometimes in public! I’ve never had an experience like this. It’s sex, sex, sex all the time!”

    The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, “Ok…why are you telling me about this?”

    And the man replies, “Hell, I’m telling EVERYBODY!”

    the wolf (3cd7f8)

  27. My husband’s name is Bill Clinton
    He walks about the town
    Sometimes with his trousers up
    And sometimes with them down

    And when they were up they were up
    And when they were down they were down
    And when they were only halfway up
    He got elected

    H-Rod (1c83cc)

  28. Why is the starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

    Because they both fly around Uranus wiping out klingons.

    BlacquesJacquesShellacques (324683)

  29. Ok, I’ll bite.

    The Pope is on an official visit to a small New England parish. The local priest, being a bit intimidated and feeling under pressure, decides to take a walk along the pier. A fisherman in a small skiff sees the priest and says, “Father, you look like you need to relax. Why don’t you come fishing with me?” The priest gratefully accepts and they go out to sea.

    It’s not very long before the priest gets a bite, which turns out to be a very large fish. Without thinking, the fisherman says “Take a look at the size of that sonofabitch!” The priest turns a sour eye on his host and replies “You know, I am a priest. You probably shouldn’t say things like that to me.” Thinking fast, the fisherman says, “No, you don’t understand. That’s the name of the fish.” With that, the priest is satisfied and the two head back in to the pier.

    As they’re returning, they see the Mother Superior, also out for a stroll along the pier. The priest proudly holds up his fish and yells, “Mother Superior, look at the size of this sonofabitch I caught!” Predictably, the Mother Superior takes the priest to task for his language but is also satisfied by his explanation that sonofabitch is the name of the fish species, and she offers to clean it.

    After the fish is cleaned, the priest and the Mother Superior happen past the bishop, who’s also in town for the papal visit. The priest proudly proclaims that he caught a huge sonofabitch, and the Mother Superior adds that she cleaned the sonofabitch. Again, the bishop objects to the language, but the two explain that that is the name of the fish. Relieved, he offers to cook the fish so that all three can take it in to the Pope.

    With the fish on a platter, the three rush into the Pope’s office in a rush. The priest stutters, “Your eminence, look at the size of the sonofabitch I caught.” The Mother Superior pipes in, “Yes, and I cleaned that sonofabitch.” Finally, the bishop addes, “And I cooked that sonofabitch.” The Pope stares the three of them down for several seconds, takes of his mitre, puts his feet up on the desk and says, “You know, you fuckers are all right.”

    DSW (85db53)

  30. A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist minister walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks at them and says; “What is this, a joke?”……………..ba da BOOM !

    Bionic Bill (56a0a8)

  31. The old rooster dies so the farmer goes out and buys a new, young one. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster pecks a little cracked corn and [does his job] on all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer’s impressed.

    At lunchtime, the young rooster has a little more cracked corn and again [does his job] on all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he’s worried. He takes the rooster aside and says: “Look, son. I admire your work ethic but you better slow. You won’t last long at this pace.” The rooster says: “Don’t worry about me sir. I know my capabilities.”

    Next morning, the same thing. The rooster has a little cracked corn for breakfast and then [does his job] on all 150 hens. The farmer is really worried but doesn’t know what to do.

    Come lunchtime, the rooster does not show up for his cracked corn and the hens are staying in their roosts. The farmer looks out into the barnyard and sees the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed and a vulture circling overhead.

    The farmer runs out, with tears in his eyes, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body and says: “Didn’t I warn you? Now you went and killed yourself!”

    And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vulture with his wing, and says, “Shhhh!”

    nk (c87736)

  32. A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
    one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.

    “You know what this means?” said the the first ranger.

    “Yup, the Czech is in the male,” replied the second.

    JayHub (0a6237)

  33. When I was a young man, my father told me, “Son, if you can’t say something good about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.

    David

    David J Harr (6dba95)

  34. Do you know why Kentucky high schools don’t have sex education and driver’s education on the same day?

    It’s too hard on the horse.

    Les Jones (514bb2)

  35. The doctor comes back into the examining room and looks at the nervous patient.

    “I have good news and bad news,” he says with great seriousness.

    “What is the bad news?” asks the patient.

    “You have an incurable disease and have six months to live,” replies the doctor.

    “Oh Good Lord no,” wails the patient. “What’s the good news?”

    The doctor inclines his head toward the waiting room. “See that nurse out there?”

    The patient nods.

    “I’m doing her,” leers the doctor.

    Eric Blair (08319c)

  36. Gonna do a twofer, here, because of quantum.

    ===

    A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a beer. The barkeep opens a bottle and slides it across. “How much?” asks the particle. “For you? No charge.”

    ===

    A hydrogen atom slams into a bar. “Whiskey!” The barkeep delivers, and the whiskey disappears so fast the keep isn’t sure he really poured. “Whiskey!” says the atom, and the keep pours another. Gone in a flash. “Whiskey!” The keep pours, and this time the atom merely sips.

    “Bad day?” asks the keep.

    “The worst! Lost my electron!”

    “That’s terrible! Are you sure?”

    “Oh, yeah. I’m positive.”

    djmoore (226886)

  37. A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

    The bank manager looks back at her and says:

    “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

    Ann (da3ab8)

  38. An inebriated man walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”

    From the back of the bar comes another inebriated voice, “I resent that derogatory remark.”

    From the first, “Are you a lawyer ??”

    Answer, “No, I’m an asshole.”

    Corky Boyd (f61c19)

  39. Ghandi didn’t wear proper shoes, so he had bad calluses on his feet. He was also malnourished, which gave him a weak physique. He had peculiar Eastern religious beliefs. He also had bad breath, thanks again to his malnourishment.

    Thus, he was a super-callused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

    CliveStaples (73307b)

  40. I actually like this joke better than the Kermit Jagger one I just posted:

    A pastor of a small, poor congregation decided to spiff up the outside of his church building by giving it a fresh coat of paint. He didn’t have the funds to hire a professional painter, so he planned to do the job himself with the cheapest white paint he could find.

    After he was about half-way done, the pastor realized he was already running very low on paint. He knew he couldn’t afford to purchase more paint, so to make it go further he thinned it out a bit. He ran low again and again, so again and again he thinned the paint. When he had only the steeple left, he was down to the very last bit of paint and he once more thinned it out in order to finish.

    Just as the pastor was putting the final touches on the very top of the steeple, a single cloud appeared in the sky just above him. He was dismayed when the cloud burst forth with huge raindrops, washing the not-yet-dry paint off the church building….all his work was for nothing.

    The pastor cried out, “Why this, Lord?! What am I supposed to do now?”

    A booming voice called out from the cloud: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

    Ann (da3ab8)

  41. What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?

    Little kids don’t eat broccoli. :)

    Ann (da3ab8)

  42. Off color:

    Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. However, it wasn’t in California, so don’t sweat it, nerds. It was North Carolina. It’s all good.

    When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

    As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

    Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

    So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

    Using his printer, on the back of the photo he typed the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

    Christoph (92b8f7)

  43. As an Aggie I’ve got to relate my favorite Aggie joke (mildly scatalogical):

    A University of Texas grad is in the men’s room, doing his business at a urinal, when an Aggie rushes in and starts using another. The t.u. grad finishes up and goes over the sink to wash his hands. As he’s drying them off, the Aggie finishes up and heads for the door. The t.u. grad looks down his nose at the Aggie and sniffs, “I went to the University of Texas, where I was taught to wash my hands after going to the bathroom.” The Aggie doesn’t break stride as he replies, “Well I went to A&M where they taught us not to pee on our hands.”

    Joel (f179ab)

  44. In the spirit of Ann’s Kermit joke –

    A man moved to another state where he didn’t know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.

    So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.

    Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.

    After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.

    To the man’s surprise, Earl refused, saying “Sorry, I can’t accept the job.”

    “Why not?” the man wanted to know. “I’ll pay you twice as much as last time if you’ll just come tune my piano.”

    “Haven’t you heard?” Earl asked, “Opporknockity only tunes once.”

    —-

    Some Swedish jokes, that probably make more sense if you have Swedish relatives…

    A swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the first time. As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted by a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way on the highway. “ONE?” the swede yells out, “there are several hundred of them out there!”

    There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a guy got up and said that he could tell a swedish joke. Suddenly a woman in the back of the bus said, “No, don’t do that. I’m swedish.” The guide looked at her and said, “Oh, that’s okay. We’ll explain it to you afterwards.”

    A Dane, A Norwegian and a Swede were captured by Nazis, and after a short trial, were to be executed. The Nazi officer asked if they had any last requests. The Dane asks for a full spread of pickled herring, Danbo, floede, crackers, plenty of beer… the list goes on. The officer grumbles, but arranges it.

    The Swede asks to address them, and begins a long speech about the injustice of national socialism, the wrongness of war, the inherent injustice of racial cleansing, and then launches into a philosophical discussion of just war and the role of the state.

    About 10 minutes into the speech, the Norwegian asks the officer, “For my last request, can you shoot me before he finishes?”

    fishbane (fbe4d4)

  45. Mine is just a funny story.

    Last week, I was driving down the road and hit a cat! I felt very bad and stopped to see if I could do anything for the poor thing, but it was dead. So, I pushed it over to the curb and went back to my car, but a cop pulled up with his lights on and came to my car to tell me that in Virginia, I had to make a reasonable effort to find the owner of a pet that was killed and that it was a $500 fine if I didn’t!

    I had to pick up the cat by the collar and wander from house to house, knocking on doors and holding up the dead cat. It was very, very awkward to explain everything and most people just gave me that horrified you-are-a-pshycho look. I started begging the officer to let me stop after about the 5th house and finally, after number 9, he told me one more and it would meet the “reasonable attempt” thing. Well, that 10th house was the owner and she was mortified. She’d just bought the cat the day before for her daughters birthday on THAT day. I killed the poor girls birthday present. Luckily, she hadn’t seen the cat yet, so I offered the lady $100 for the dead cat so she could go buy a new cat. She was happy to accept and I figured I would just drop the dead cat off at the shelter on the way to work.

    So, feeling much better about the situation, I went back to my car with the dead cat to leave, but the cop gave me a ticket anyway!

    Apparently, it is illegal to buy pussy in Virgina.

    Chris Farley (6a96d1)

  46. This is a long one, but I have to throw in a lawyer joke, too.

    How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    “Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “The Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

    The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

    Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

    Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

    NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”

    Chris Farley (6a96d1)

  47. What is the difference between Oklahoma Cheerleaders and Nebraska Cheerleaders?

    600 Lbs.

    What is the difference between Oklahoma Cheerleaders and a herd of Elephants?

    600 lbs.

    How do you even up things between the Oklahoma Cheerleaders and the herd of Elephants?

    Force Feed the Elephants.

    PCD (5c49b0)

  48. How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Five. Four to hold down the writer, and . . .

    Joel Rosenberg (677e59)

  49. The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he’d never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

    Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”

    The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. “How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper.

    “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief.

    “No! This guy is even more important!” states the trooper.

    “Please, please tell me it’s not the President?” begs the chief.

    “No! Even more important!”

    “Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief.

    “I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

    Brass (39cca6)

  50. Warning: Baptist Bashing

    Beside every fourth Baptist is a fifth.

    smitch (85a7e4)

  51. Long and off-color alert:

    The owner of an upscale bar was looking to hire a piano player to play during cocktail hour. He had auditioned a few players without any success, when one day a guy walks in from off of the street. The bar owner asks him if he plays, and he responds that not only does he play, but he writes his own songs too. Intrigued, the bar owner asks him to sit down at the piano and audition. The guy plays a very lovely melody and, quite impressed, the bar owner asks him what the name of the piece is.

    “I call that one ‘Licking the Toilet Bowl after Debbie Does Her Business,'” comes the reply.

    The bar owner is somewhat taken aback, but he asks the guy if he has any other numbers. The guy then proceeds to play a very bouncy and jaunty number that gets the bar owner tapping his toes and bobbing his head. Somewhat warily, the bar owner asks him the title of that piece.

    “‘Bending the Gimp over the Radiator for Saturday Sodomy,’ is the name of that one,” says the guy, and before the bar owner can respond he launches into a suite in three parts, each one brilliantly constructed and elegantly played.

    “OK,” says the bar owner, “you might as well tell me the name of that one too.”

    “It’s ‘Punching Your Fucking Scumbag Face,'” replies the guy.

    “Listen,” the bar owner says, “I really like your playing and I think you would be great here. I am going to hire you on one condition: You absolutely are not to tell the audience the name of your compositions.”

    The guy agrees to the terms and shows up later that night for his first performance. It goes over really well with the audience sitting in rapt attention and lustily clapping at the end of each performance. After about an hour, the guy stands up and announces he will be taking a short break but will be returning for a second set. As he is walking towards the exit, a patron grabs his arm, pulls him close and says, “Hey buddy, do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?”

    The guy’s eyes light up and he tells the patron, “Know it? Hell, I wrote it!”

    JVW (13af87)

  52. Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. The first guy says, “Man, I wish I could do that.”

    Second guy says, “Pet him and maybe he’ll let you.”

    CraigC (cbd74e)

  53. I have always thought this was the funniest joke I’ve ever heard even though it is 100% clean.

    A man is driving his convertible through a rural area. He drives under an overpass and *thump* a pig falls into his car and lands in the passenger seat. The man is taken aback and pulls into a local gas station for advice. The attendant comes over to the car and the man says “I was driving along and this pig fell into my car, what should I do?” The gas station attendant scratches his head and says “Why don’t you take it to the zoo?” The man thanks him and drives off.

    A week later the man in the convertible pulls back into the same gas station for gas. The pig is in the passenger seat wearing sunglasses and holding a huge beach ball. The gas station attendant wanders out to the car and says “hey, weren’t you in last week? I thought you were going to take that pig to the zoo.” The driver says “I did, and we had such a great time that today we’re going to the beach.”

    JavierC (a24ff8)

  54. Here is one to tell the Swiss on your next visit. The joke plays on the characteristics of several nations (at least as they are viewed by other European nations).

    Once the importance of Oetzi (the copper age hunter pulled from a glacier about 15 years ago) became obvious, the surrounding nations began to squabble over his country of origin.

    After much discussion and arguing the experts ruled out his being Italian because he was carrying tools. Likewise they agreed he couldn’t have been an Austrian because he had a brain.

    Now it was between Switzerland and Germany. Both had good arguments, with the Germans pointing to his wandering in the mountains while wearing sandals [one often sees such Germans in the Swiss Alps]. However the Swiss were able to carry the day by noting that Oetzi was so slow that he had been caught be a glacier.

    Pigilito (5d4652)

  55. The Koala Bear joke

    A cute cuddly little Koala bear was a little “hard on his luck”. It had been such a longtime since he had enjoyed the company of the opposite sex so he visited the nearest house of ill repute. He walked in the door and went right up to the madam and said “I want the best you’ve got”.

    The Madam says, “But you are just a cute cuddly little koala bear!!??”

    The koala says,”Nevermind that, just give me the best you’ve got.”

    So, the madam directs him upstairs, second door on the left and a “hostess” will be with him shortly.
    Eventually, a stunning woman walks in and 5 minutes go by….then 10….many assorted moans and groans….20 minutes….more moans and groans…finally and hour has passed.
    The cute little bear walks down the stairs, a big grin on his face and is about to walk out the door when the madam stops him. “Where do you think your going? You have not paid yet”
    The Koala says, “So what?”
    The madam reaches down to a table a picks up a dictionary. She leafs a few pages to the P’s and gives the Koala the book. “Read what the definition of a prostitute is.”
    The Koala reads..”Prostitute…a woman who sells sexual favors for money. So what”. The Koala flips a few pages himself and hands the book back to the madam. “Read what the definition of a Koala bear is.”

    The Madam starts reading…”Koala bear..a cute cuddly fuzzy creature that eats bushes and leaves….

    rudytbone (93b68e)

  56. Ethnic… A group of astronauts are bragging about their achievements in the space race.
    The American says, “We’re going back to the moon next year.”

    The Russian says, “That’s nothing – we’re going to Mars next year.

    The Pole says, “That’s nothing – we’re going to the SUN!”

    “What are you talking about?” they ask. “You can’t go there – it’s too hot!”

    The Pole replies, “Well go at night!”

    Clark Baker (69dd75)

  57. Multinational:

    You know the difference between Heaven and Hell?

    In Heaven
    the beer is German
    the food is French
    the cops are British
    the timepieces are Swiss
    and the lovers are Italian

    In Hell
    the beer is French
    the food is British
    the cops are German
    the timepieces are Italian
    and the lovers are Swiss

    JVW (13af87)

  58. Q. What’s the difference between an arch villian with a dwarf mastermind and a woman with VD?

    A. The villian has a cunning runt.

    gahrie (56a0a8)

  59. Q. How do you know Steve Jobs has been in your refrigerator?

    A. It now costs $1000 more, takes pictures and plays music, but only accepts food from one supermarket.

    gahrie (56a0a8)

  60. Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A. That’s not funny….

    gahrie (56a0a8)

  61. Dirty.

    Q: How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?

    A: Blow him.

    bt (78b929)

  62. Q. What do you have when you have three lawyers up to their neck in shit?

    A. Not enough shit.

    hazy (d671ab)

  63. Pope and lawyer jokes seem to be popular. Let’s mix them together.

    A bunch of people are in line waiting to get into Heaven. St. Peter comes out and announces, “Come on in, and we’ll assign you housing based on who you were on earth.

    The first guy steps up and says, “On earth, I was the Pope.” So, St Peter takes him to his new home – a tumbledown shack.

    The second guy steps up and says, “On earth, I was a lawyer.” So, St Peter takes him to his new home – a beautiful palace.

    The third guy is stunned. “St Peter – what’s going on? That first guy was the pope, and the second guy was just a lawyer!”

    St Peter responds, “My son, this is Heaven. We have 164 popes up here. We’ve never had a lawyer before.”

    JayC (500f86)

  64. Early one morning, on my way to work, I’m at the stoplight when a man runs up to my car breathelssly and motions for me to roll down my window. I do and he blurts out, “Hey buddy, you almost ran over my wife a block back”. Well, I don’t want any trouble, so I say: “I’m sorry, I’m usually a careful driver”. This doesn’t satisfy him. He says, holding his hands about a foot apart, “You came this close to hitting her.” Now I’m starting to lose my temper. I say: “Mister, I already apologized. What more do you want from me?” He says: “Could you go back and try again?”

    nk (c87736)

  65. The one-room schoolhouse at the little farming village gets a new teacher from the city. One morning, the farmboy is tardy. The teacher asks: “Johnny, why are you late?” Johnny says: “I’m sorry, Miss, I had to help my father take our cow to the bull.” The teacher asks: “Couldn’t your father have done the job by himself?” Johnny says: “No, Miss. You need a bull.”

    nk (c87736)

  66. Three nuns die and go the Heaven.

    Arriving at the Heavenly Gates, they are all greeted by St. Peter.

    “Sisters, I know all of you have led exemplary lives, but before you enter Heaven, you each have to answer one question.

    Sister Patricia, who was the first man?”

    Sister answers, “Adam!”

    The horns blared, the bells rang, and Sister Patrica entered into Heaven.

    St. Peter then said, “And Sister Margaret, who was the first woman?”

    Sister answers, “Eve!”

    The horns blared, the bells rang, and Sister Patrica entered into Heaven.

    Finally, St. Peter says, “And Sister Mary, what was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?”

    Sister Mary frowns, shuffles her feet, scratches her head and says, “Gee, that’s a hard one.”

    The horns blared, the bells rang…….

    N. O'Brain (9056e2)

  67. A farmer buys a new, young rooster to service his hens. The farmer puts the young rooster in the coop with the old rooster. The old rooster says to the young rooster, “I’m the king of this here chicken coop. If you want to get at any of these here hens, you’ll first have to beat me in a race around the coop.”

    The young rooster looks at the old rooster and says confidently, “You’re on grandpa. I can beat you any day of the week.”

    The two roosters line up next to the fence. The old rooster says, “On the count of three. One . . .” and takes off running. The young rooster chases after the old rooster and barely misses catching him by the finish line.

    The young rooster says, “Hey, that wasn’t fair, you started running before you said ‘three.’”

    Just then, the farmer came over to the coop, grabbed the young rooster by the neck, and wrung it dead. Then the farmer said, “damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

    Ben Pugh (1527b3)

  68. I almost forgot my all time favorite:

    Two muffins are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “damn, it’s hot in here.”

    The other one says, “holy shit, a talking muffin!”

    fishbane (fbe4d4)

  69. This one is dated, and requires accents, but still is true.

    An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian were sitting around one day, debating the true meaning of happiness.

    The Englishman sneered at his fellows: “You poor sods will never know happiness. You rise early one morning, ride out for a game of polo, and follow it up by some fox hunting. Finally you have a good port and a cigar before a roaring fire. That, my friends, is the true meaning of happiness.”

    The Frenchman laughed outright. “Silly Englishman! Happiness? Well, imagine a day at the vineyard with one’s wife, making fine wines. Then, that evening, a lengthy meal with one’s newest mistress at a restaurant with a view of Paris. Finally, several hours of lovemaking in every possible way. Rather than foxhunting and the like, what I describe is the true meaning of happiness.”

    The Russian shook his head. “Comrades, neither of you know the happiness. I will tell you. Imagine you are in favorite chair, the one with one short leg, reading favorite book. Then, you hear heavy KGB type boots on stairway. Then, you hear heavy KGB like knock at door. You open door, and heavy KGB voice asks ‘Are you Ivan Desinovitch?’ You say ‘Nyet, three flights up.’ That my comrades, is the true meaning of happiness.”

    Eric Blair (08319c)

  70. On my way to work this morning, I accidentally rearended another car. A dwarf jumps out, mad as as hell, and says, glaring, “I’m not happy.” I said, “Well, which one are you then?” That’s when the fight started.

    magnolia (e54dc3)

  71. An off color variation of the first joke in this thread: A beautiful woman is walking through town in a gorgeous full length mink coat. A group of animal activists sees her and starts harassing her. One yells, “Do you know how many animals had to die to make that coat?” She replies, “Do you know how many animals I had to fuck to get this coat?”

    magnolia (e54dc3)

  72. I think Darlene wins the thread with her true-life story! But what the heck, here goes.

    ========

    Two birds are on a perch. One says to the other, “Do you smell fish?”

    ========

    Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

    ========

    “I’m not really a Jew, just Jew-ish. Not the whole hog.” — Jonathan Miller, “Beyond the Fringe”

    ========

    Chris eats lunch at the local diner every day and always starts with the soup of the day. The waitstaff knows Chris and whoever’s on duty gets a bowl when Chris walks in. Chris digs into the soup as soon as it’s on the table.

    One day Pat served the soup and walked away. However, a bit later Pat looked around and spotted Chris just sitting and staring at the soup.

    Pat walked to the table and said, “Chris, is there something wrong with the soup?”

    Chris growled, “Taste it.”

    Pat said, “I don’t have to. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it. Not enough salt? I’ll salt it. Too hot? I’ll fan it. Too cold? I’ll get some fresh. Just tell me.”

    Chris said, a little louder, “I said taste it!”

    “Okay, okay! No need to get excited, I’ll do as you say,” said Pat. “Hmm, now let’s see…where’s a spoon?”

    And Chris said, “AHA!”

    Jim C. (a79dbc)

  73. UNPC-
    A little black boy is helping his mother with the baking in the kitchen one day and is using the flour sifter and suddenly holds it over his head and the flour turns him white.
    “Look mama” he says, “I’m white!”
    His mother promptly slaps him and says, “go tell your father what you just said!”
    The little boy runs into the living room where his dad is reading the newspaper and says, “look daddy, I’m white!”
    His father promptly slaps him and shouts, “go tell you grandma what you just said!”
    The little boy goes upstairs and says, “grandma, look at me, I’m white!”
    She slaps him and says, “you go downstairs to your mother and clean yourself up!”
    The little boy goes back to the kitchen where his mother asks him what he learned about all this and the little boy says, “I only been white for five minutes and already I hate you people!”

    Curtis (36a8d4)

  74. Joke #1

    An Irishman comes back from visiting his nephew in America and tells his pals the following story…

    Me nephew took me to a baseball game in Boston. He explained to me that there is a man on a hill of dirt that throws a little pellet to a man that had something that looks like a mashie. So as were watching the game the fist man with the mashie comes up and waits for the man with the pellet to throw it. Well, its thrown, and the man with the mashie hits it and runs around the bases as fast as he can, and the crowd is screaming at the top of their lungs.

    The second man with a mashie comes up, and the man with the pellet throws it at him, and damn if the same things happens again, and the crowd is screaming again.

    Well, this third man comes up. The man with the pellet throws it at him, but this time he doesn’t swing the mashie. This happens three more times, and the man with the mashie doesn’t swing at the pellet. After the fourth throw, the man with the mashie, drops it and walks to the base – and the crowd is screaming at the top of their lungs again. I asked the man sitting next to me, “why is he walking”. The man told me, “The guy got four balls”.

    Well, when I was told that, I stood up and yelled to him, “WALK WITH PRIDE!”.

    Joke #2 – A Sailor’s Joke

    Do you know the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?

    The fairy tales starts out with, “once upon a time…”

    The sea story starts out with, “This ain’t no shit…”

    fmfnavydoc (affdec)

  75. My friend was telling me about the recent death of his Grandfather. He remarked how he wanted to die peacefully in his sleep just like his Grandfather did. Not like the 45 screaming passengers on the bus that he was driving when he fell asleep and drove off the cliff.

    Doug M (a9f412)

  76. An Eight year old boy and a clown go for a walk in the woods at night.
    After a few minutes, the boy starts crying.
    The clown asks: “What’s wrong?”
    The boy says: “Its dark and cold, and I’m scared.”
    The clown replies: “You’re scared, I’m the one who has to walk back alone!”

    jpickens (53ee7a)

  77. Very lightly off-color

    This is a true story. I was sitting in first class on an airplane next to a parrot. As soon as the plane took off, the parrot started yelling at the stewardess.

    “Get me a drink, you dumb slut! I want a gin and tonic.” The stewardess got up and got him a gin and tonic, and I asked for a glass of water. She ignored me.

    Fifteen minutes later, the parrot piped up again:

    “Where’s the food? This is first class! I want a steak, and a bloody mary! Now, bitch!” The stewardess brought him the steak and the drink. I politely asked for my water again. She appeared to notice me. Still no water.

    Another 20 minutes in, the parrot screeches: “I want another drink, a deck of cards, and I want to see your fat ass in motion!” Whoosh! Drink, cards. No water.

    I said, “Ma’am…. look, I want my water. I want it now.” I raised my voice: “Move yourself to the water pitcher, pour me the water, and bring it to me right now!”

    At this point, a very large man came out of the service area, grabbed the parrot and me, grunted, “Enough,” and flung us out the door at 30,000 feet.

    As we were falling, the parrot turned to me and said:

    “You got a lot of lip for something that can’t fly.”

    –JRM

    JRM (355c21)

  78. Man dies and goes to heaven. Behind St. Peter there’s a huge wall of clocks. Man asks St. Pete what all the clocks are for.

    “Every person, living and dead has a clock. Whenever the person tells a lie, the minute hand moves on minute. There’s George Washington’s clock. Minute hand’s never moved. There’s Abe Lincoln’s. Only moved once.”

    “What about that missing clock over there?” asks the man.

    “The air conditioning broke down in God’s office. He’s using Hillary Clinton’s clock as a ceiling fan.”

    Stuart Pendous (60f808)

  79. A man is sitting in an airport with his young son when suddenly the boy swallows a quarter and starts to choke on it. The man begins pounding him on the back and doing the Heimlich on him, all to no avail.

    A very well dressed woman had been watching this and approached. She grabbed the boy by the testicles and squeezed violently. To the father’s amazement, the quarter came flying out of the boy’s mouth and he gasped in much needed air. The woman caught the quarter on the fly and deftly tucked it into her purse.

    The father thanked her profusely and said “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Where did you learn to do that?”

    The woman answered “Oh, that’s easy. I’m a divorce lawyer.”

    Pablo (99243e)

  80. Guy walks into a bar.

    Pushes his way thru the swinging doors and yells at the short order cook, “Get me a Scotch and Soda”.

    The short order cook flips the hamburger on the grill and says, “Buddy, this is the kitchen. The drinks are back that way.”

    And the guy says, “Well, duh! I’m a lawyer. Of course I passed the bar.”

    Adriane (09d132)

  81. Little Johnny’s mom comes home from a business trip. Johnny runs up to her and says “Mommy, I have a secret.”
    Mom: “What is it Johnny?”
    Johnny: “When you were gone on your business trip, Daddy and the hired girl went upstairs to the spare bedroom. They closed the door…but I looked through the keyhole.”
    Mom: “Stop. I don’t want to hear another word. Not until dinner.”
    Johnny: “Okay.”

    Later at dinner when Mom and Dad, Johnny and the hired girl are all eating dinner.
    Mom: “Johnny, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier?”
    Johnny: “Like I tried to tell you, Mommy, when you were gone on your trip, Daddy and the hired girl when upstairs to the spare bedroom. They closed the door…but I looked through the Keyhole.”
    Mom: “What did you see, Johnny?”
    Johnny: “They were doing the same thing you and Uncle Bill did when Daddy went hunting last fall.”

    Jay Curtis (8f6541)

  82. 1. How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    One, if it knows its Gödel number.

    2. A mushroom walks (or maybe hops) into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks at it with disgust and says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.” The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy.”

    3. A Methodist couple, a Presbyterian couple, and a Baptist couple all die at the same time and go to the pearly gates. As the Methodist couple approaches, St. Peter looks at the husband and snarls, “You Methodists! All you care about is money! And I’ll prove it, you married a woman named Penny! Get out of here!”

    Then St. Peter turns to the the Presbyterian couple and snarls at the husband, “You Presbyterians! You’re always stuffing your faces! All you care about is food! And I’ll prove it, you married a woman named Candy! Get out of here!”

    The Baptist husband looks over at his wife and says, “This isn’t looking too good Fanny.”

    4. A man walks into a bar and sees two blondes drinking and obviously celebrating something. Every now and then they yell “Eight and a half months!” and high-five each other. Eventually, his curiosity got the better of him, and he goes over to ask them what they’re celebrating.

    “Well,” one says, “we were sick and tired of everyone saying that blondes are dumb, so we decided to do something difficult to prove that we’re not. So we went into a toy store and bought a puzzle that said “2 to 3 years” on it … “

    Jim (063bcd)

  83. Off color to be sure…
    Mom and Dad were married 50 years and the celebration was a big one. Being a working class family, the children all chipped in to send Mom and Dad on their first cruise ever, with their accomodations as inside and upper/lower berths.
    In the excitement of departure, Mom forgot her hearing aids.
    The first night onboard they retired to their upper/lower berth stateroom. Dad Looks at the bedding situation and asked “Up or down?”
    A look of surprise swept over Mommas’ face and she proceeded to have the wildest sex they have had in 40 years.
    Each night Pappa would ask “Up or Down?” Each night the sex gets wilder and better.
    Upon their return home, they unpack and Momma finds her hearing aid and puts it in. That evening Poppa stands at the foot of the bed in happy anticipation and says ” Well, Up or Down?”
    A little confused Momma asks “Up or Down what?”
    Poppa said “I’m not sure, but each night on the cruise when ever I asked that question you gave the best sex ever!”
    “Oh my G-d!” Momma said in disgust
    “I thought you were saying Fuck or drown.

    paul from fl (47918a)

  84. There was a magician working on a cruise ship butthere was a parrot who was always telling the audiance ITS BEHIND HIS BACK or ITS UP HIS SLEAVE but the magician could,nt do anything about it becuase tha parrot belonged to the captian wel a disiater happened and the ship sank the magigian was stranded on a life-boat with the parrot the parrot after a while said ALRIGHT I GIVE UP WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE SHIP?

    krazy kagu (d59162)

  85. The French Military.

    Though I hear that one’s better in the original German.

    __________
    Why do all the ladies love Jesus?
    Because he’s hung like this.
    (supply necessary arm position)

    Joe M. (ef89b2)

  86. Here’s one an Aggie friend told me:

    Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. The jailers immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

    The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard Law School and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, the jailers immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

    The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.

    DRJ (09f144)

  87. A Communist husband and wife are walking down the street when the husband feels water drop on him. He comments to his wife that it is raining. The wife replies that it is sleet. After a few blocks of bickering back and forth they meet their old friend Rudolph. The husband asks Rudolph whether it is rain or sleet. Rudolph replies that it is rain.
    After continuing down the street the wife says that Rudolph is wrong and that it is sleet. The husband replies that no, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.

    rockdalian (35b19c)

  88. A young boy and his father go for a walk in the woods, and encounter two dogs having sex. The boy asks his father what they are doing, and the father says “making puppies.” That night, the boy wandered into his parents’ bedroom and caught them doing the deed. Unashamed, the boy asked his father “what are you doing?” The father replied, “making a baby.” The boy responded, “Turn Mommy over, I want a puppy.”

    Xrlq (6a3c55)

  89. The middle-aged prostitute, who shows every trace of her hard life and the perils of her profession, tells her lawyer: “Don’t take this case to trial. They have me dead to rights and with my record I’ll go away for a long time.” The lawyer agrees but he wants to know in advance what the sentence will be if he pleads her guilty. He walks into the judge’s chambers and asks: “Your Honor, what would you give to a forty-five year old prostitute who’s down on her luck?” And the judge says, “Twenty bucks, no more than that”.

    nk (c87736)

  90. In Ireland, there was once a wise old Mother Superior who was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

    Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

    When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

    “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

    She raised herself up in bed and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

    Christoph (92b8f7)

  91. Texas Chili Cookoff. It’s on the longish side that’s why the link instead of text. I have no conection with that site.

    nk (c87736)

  92. Another site that I have no conection with but it has the answer to a frequently asked question.

    nk (c87736)

  93. 92 was a riot. Thanks, NK.

    DRJ (09f144)

  94. (LANGUAGE WARNING)

    A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is laying in bed, reading a book. The farmer takes the sheep he was carrying and throws it on the bed.

    “That’s the pig I fuck when you’re not in the mood”.

    The wife looks up from her book and says “That’s a sheep you idiot.”

    The farmer replies, “Shut up. I wasn’t talking to you.”

    Robb Allen (a90113)

  95. A guy who’s running for president, one of the Republicans, a pious Baptist minister, made a negative ad attacking another candidate for running negative ads about HIM… then the Baptist minister held a news conference announcing he’s decided not to run the negative ad… and then played the negative ad in front of all the reporters at the conference.

    Christoph (92b8f7)


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