Signal didn’t work well, and government-approved methods of secure communication are obviously out. What other forms of communication can our top government officials use when they want to exchange unnecessary details about imminent bombings? Our old friend, humor writer Roy Rivenburg, explores this topic below. — Patterico

By Roy Rivenburg

Under fire for a security lapse in which a journalist was accidentally added to a government group chat about bombing Yemen, White House officials are now considering other communication methods for top-secret discussions:

Smoke signals. On the plus side, according to Republicans, this method will infuriate climate change activists. But there are drawbacks. It can’t be used at night, and the puffs of smoke could be mistaken for the selection of a new pope.

Radio Shack walkie-talkies. “The technology is so old that nobody will think to intercept it,” says Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard. One caveat: recipients need to be within 300 feet of each other.

Invisible ink. “It’s simple yet brilliant,” says CIA Director John Ratcliffe. “Messages written with lemon juice only appear when the paper is heated on an ironing board or with a candle.” Unfortunately, new tariffs on imported citrus could make the program prohibitively expensive and invite a crackdown from Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency.

Carrier pigeons. Famously used during World Wars I and II, trained birds could once again crisscross the skies, delivering military messages, according to defense officials. However, Democrats say the pigeon flights would need to be coordinated with air traffic controllers and the birds would have to join a pilot labor union.

Ovaltine secret decoder rings. “Why reinvent the wheel when we have a perfectly good encryption system from the 1930s?” asks Secretary of State Marco Rubio. Alas, Ovaltine’s coded messages were sent via radio broadcasts of the “Little Orphan Annie” show. The only outlet for such a show now would be Voice of America, which just had its funding slashed. Oops.

Skywriting. Because aerial messages are quickly erased by the wind, there’s little chance they’ll be intercepted by journalists, officials say. The downside? Chemtrails!

Hillary Clinton’s email server. “This is the ultimate solution,” says Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth. “Democrats can’t criticize it because they insisted Hillary’s use of her personal email was no big deal.” As an extra security precaution, however, President Trump ordered all communications transmitted via the Lock Her Up™ program to be sent in Pig Latin.

Roy Rivenburg is a writer whose citizenship will probably be revoked in the near future.