California’s Crazy Candidates
[guest post by JVW]
Sorry for the long silence on my end. I had a very nice vacation the past couple of weeks and ignored just about everything that wasn’t delivered in a pint glass.
We Californians have a primary election today and, as has become usual, we have a whole panoply of weirdos running on the ballot; to be specific: 23 candidates for the United States Senate and 26 jamokes who want to be the Governor of the Great State of California. Since that is way too many to provide a fulsome description of all of the great things they vow to do to us — whoops! I mean for us, for us — I thought I would provide a public service by distilling their campaign promises into one pithy statement. Here is how I read each of them, according to what they submitted in the Official Voter Information Guide. (Note: D is obviously Democrat, R is obviously Republican, PF is Peace & Freedom, G is Green, and NPP is No Party Preference.)
Candidates for the U.S. Senate
Douglas Howard Price (D) – The candidate of mindless platitudes that you’ve heard a thousand times before.
Obaidul Huq Pirjada (D) – Too dignified to have a published campaign statement.
John Thompson Parker (PF) – Socialism rocks; communism is even cooler.
Alex Padilla (D) – I’m the incumbent and there’s no way I’ll lose.
Chuck Smith (R) – God. Country. Marine Corps.
Akinyemi Agbede (D) – I plan to save America. Elect me and I’ll tell you how.
Cordie Williams (R) – I’m the mainstream Republican in a world of weirdos.
Don J. Grundmann (NPP) – Where there is a conspiracy theory, I believe it.
Eleanor Garcia (NPP) – I’m a socialist who loves Cuba and Israel. Go figure.
Mark Meuser (R) – I’m the non-politician politician.
James “Hank” Green (G) – I’m the middle-aged white male version of our Adorably Ornery Clueless niece.
Governor of California
Luis Javier Rodriguez (G) – I’m the middle-aged Latino — make that Latinx — male version of our Adorably Ornery Clueless niece.
Armando “Mando” Perez-Serrato (D) – I write like a poor man’s Abraham Lincoln, but I ask for donations via Apple Cash or Venmo.
Reinette Senum (NPP) – I’m a fourth-generation Californian fluent in vaguely leftist but plausibly centrist political clichés.
Antony Trimino (R) – My granddad fled commie Cuba and California is turning Castro-like.
Robert C. Newmann II (R) – I’m a Reagan Republican thirty years too late.
Jenny Rae Le Roux (R) – I’m a Republican, but I share with Democrats the same unshakable belief in government’s power to make things better, as long as our people are in charge of it.
Serge Fiankan (NPP) – COVID has caused the state to ally with corporations to keep us down.
James G. Hanink (NPP) – I’m staunchly pro-life in probably the most aggressively pro-abortion state.
Joel Ventresca (D) – Whatever Bernie Sanders believes, I also believe.
Leo S. Zacky (R) – I ran a poultry farm, so I have experience dealing with chickens and chicken shit.
Brian Dahle (R) – I’ll do good by undoing all of the stuff California Democrats have been doing the past 25 years.
Mariana B. Dawson (NPP) – “F all politicians.” [Note: Seriously. This is the entirety of her published candidate statement, verbatim.]
Daniel R. Mercuri (R) – God wants us to be free from Democrat slavery.
Christian Raul Morales (R) – My candidate statement is bilingual.
As you can see, thankfully not every candidate bothered to include a published candidate statement. The one person I wished had published a statement is Michael Shellenberger, a former Democrat turned No Party Preference after researching and publishing a book last year titled San Fransicko: Why Progressives Ruin Cities. I’m actually not too jazzed about voting this year, but I think I’ll vote for Shellenberger for governor in the hopes that he gets on the debate stage with Gavin Newsom and rips him a new one on all of the problems his book diagnoses. But it’s a near certainty that come November we’ll be electing the usual crop of Democrat hacks and time-servers.
Come to think of it, maybe I won’t bother to mark my ballot and turn it in tongiht.