Parent (And I Use The Term Loosely) Discusses The Transition Of 3-Year Old Transgender Child
[guest post by Dana]
On NPR, an Oakland mother discussed the transition of her 3-year old son from “Jack” to “Jackie”:
“It was May 15, 2014, and I remember the date because Jackie was out of school that day,” she says. “We drove to drop her older sister off at kindergarten. And normally Jackie is quite happy and content to hang out with me and play.”
Jackie was 3 then, and she was called Jack. Glancing into the backseat of her car, Mary noticed something different.
“Jackie just looked really, really sad; sadder than a 3-and-a-half-year-old should look,” Carter says. “This weight that looked like it weighed more than she did, something she had to say and I didn’t know what that was.”
“So I asked. I said, ‘Jackie, are you sad that you’re not going to school today?’ And Jackie was really quiet and put her head down and said ‘No, I’m sad because I’m a boy.’
Carter then asked, “You’re really not happy being a boy?”
“I thought a little bit longer and I said, ‘Well, are you happy being you?’ And that made Jackie smile,” she says. “And I felt like for that moment, that was all that really mattered. That was ‘The Day.’
At that point Carter went to a drug store and found elastic bands to pull Jackie’s hair into small ponytails.
“And I’ve never seen such a happy child,” Carter recalls. “To go from maybe an hour before this, this child who looks so sad, to that, I felt like I’d done something right by her.”
Indeed, that way madness lies…
–Dana
Hello.
Dana (86e864) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:24 am“No, I’m sad because I’m a boy.”
Maybe he’s sad because he has realized that schools value and respect boys less than girls.
pst314 (ae6bd1) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:26 amThe kid should have picked his parents more carefully.
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:35 amAchilles’s mom, in order to keep him from the Trojan War draft, disguised him as a girl and sent him to live as one of the daughters of the king of Skyros. It didn’t quite work out, and when he sailed for Troy he left one or two sons, by the king’s daughter, behind him.
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:40 amThe child is fortunate the mother did not purchase scissors or shears too.
Colonel Haiku (97712e) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:41 amAchilles should have worn Trojans…
Colonel Haiku (97712e) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:43 amAchilles teh shi+heel…
Colonel Haiku (97712e) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:45 amAchilles should have stopped with a feel?
Colonel Haiku (97712e) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:46 amIf the child is not happy because they don’t have a Big Mac, does mom buy the child a Big Mac?
I think there is little that rational discussion can do about this, other than help booster the confidence of people who know it is absurd but need help articulating it.
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:51 amThis story reminds me of this child.
DRJ (1dff03) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:52 amI’ve known my next door neighbor for over 50 years. He’s smart, energetic, intelligent, and educated, yet nothing has ever worked out for him. His marriage was a failure, his finances have always been a disaster, he drinks, and he’s always seen the glass as half-full.
As a boy he never quite measured up, as a husband and father he went through the motions but never delivered, as a friend he never showed up when it counted. Try as I might I never understood it.
Then, last year I found out his mother dressed him as a girl for the first 5 years of his life. He apparently never got over it.
ropelight (5738da) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:54 amWe won’t let 16 year olds get their ears pierced on their own, but we will let 3 1/2’year olds with crazy parents make permanent life altering decisions? A 3 year old doesn’t want the same thing hour to hour.
JD (08d44e) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:57 amSo, this evil wench assumes the 3 year old is the most articulate being in the car?
reinforces her son’s momentary sadness about being a boy and she says “I felt like I’d done something right by her.”
Doing right by her 3 year old would have been to explore his feelings. Not to assume one throw away line from a 3 year old was the final authoritative statement on the matter.
So for the rest of this poor kid’s life his mom is going to reinforce any negative feeling he expresses about being how he his.
I blame his future suicide on his mom. Because when this 3 year old and his mom are alone in a car, he’s the adult.
Steve57 (4c9797) — 7/8/2015 @ 10:58 amI believe this comes from the parents. I read Dear Prudie at Slate sometimes–she is a very good writer–but a lot, a lot of questions there are about some weird parents and their obsession with gender.
It’s scary to think how these kids will grow up. Like the teenage girl on American Idol who decided she was totally gay, born that way. Nothing to do with her four lesbian parents who adopted her and their obsessions. Nope.
Patricia (5fc097) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:02 amI’m not one of those guys who screams “child abuse” at every little thing but this mother has abused her child’s self image, self esteem, sexual identity, ability to cope, to rationalize and to work through problems. If tis foolish attitude of the mother continues this poor kid will grow up to be a mentally and emotionally tormented psycho. I just hope when the time comes he whacks her before he whacks someone else. She serves it.
Rev. Barack Hussein Hoagie (f4eb27) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:09 amMaybe he’s sad because he has realized his own mom values and respects boys less then girls.
So now he’s pretending to be a girl to get his mom’s approval.
Steve57 (4c9797) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:14 amSeriously – is there a doctor that will perform such a surgery at that age ?
joe (debac0) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:16 amIt’s hard to raise parents.
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:19 amGirls have too often been undervalued, yet they have also been the apple of their father’s eye, that was certainly the case in my family. The boys couldn’t do anything right and the girls could do no wrong. Neither assumption proved beneficial in later life.
ropelight (5738da) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:23 amnk, as usual, it’s hard to beat Mark Twain on that subject,
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Gazzer (ee3742) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:32 amThen, last year I found out his mother dressed him as a girl for the first 5 years of his life. He apparently never got over it.
What do you wanna bet that a Social Justice Warrior would tell you that your friend’s problems stem from the fact that he never embraced the transgender identity that his mother so wisely noticed in him?
JVW, channeling Colonel Haiku (2d4b57) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:47 amIf the child is not happy because they don’t have a Big Mac, does mom buy the child a Big Mac?
Right. And if the teenager says he is only happy when he is drunk or high does mom help facilitate that desire too, or in America are we still allowed to counsel our kids away from destructive behaviors?
JVW, channeling Colonel Haiku (2d4b57) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:49 amAarrgh, I can’t seem to get rid of the JVW, channeling Colonel Haiku name that I used for this comment on a post from yesterday. Every time I delete that part of it and post, it returns. Let me try something new.
JVW (2d4b57) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:51 am— Mom, is this skirt too short?
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 11:54 am— Yes, is is, honey. Your testicles are showing.
well his sister’s a goddamn burrito
I’d say Jackie got the better deal
happyfeet (a037ad) — 7/8/2015 @ 12:22 pmI admit this is generalizing but I wanted to be a boy as a child, and many little girls felt this way. Boys had more fun, got more attention, their pretend games and personas were far more active and exciting, and they competed with each other instead of being mean to each other. But society has changed and now girls get more attention, praise, excitement, and competition. Who wouldn’t want that?
DRJ (1dff03) — 7/8/2015 @ 12:30 pmWhen my sister was about that age, she got her mitts on a pair of scissors, chopped off most of her hair, and asked to be called by a boy’s name.
That phase ended within a year. It’s entirely typical for toddlers to push boundaries, test the waters, and try to figure out what “boy” and “girl” mean (and how being one or the other changes, or doesn’t change, a parent’s interaction with the child).
For heaven’s sake, just put your kid’s hair in pigtails, let you kid do what he wants, and STFU about it so that your kid isn’t embarrassed by it all in ten years when he’s interested in girls or his friends google his name.
bridget (248d93) — 7/8/2015 @ 12:41 pm#21, JVW, his mother denied his father survived WW-2, he did, and lived his whole life less than 25 miles away. She never allowed the boy to know much of anything except his name about his B-17 bomber pilot hero father. And she later married a very nice guy she could easily push around. Neither her son or her husband dared confront her deep depression or her bizarre behavior based on diet pill addiction (late 50s – mid 60s). She loved her son, yet she contaminated everything she touched, and she suffered twice as much as all her victims put together.
ropelight (5738da) — 7/8/2015 @ 12:59 pmSo sad, and easily understandable, ropelight. It is a very fallen world we live in.
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:15 pmTraditional parents would try to beat it out of the child.
tradition (91c687) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:19 pmWhen we previously had a thread about “transgender children” there was a story about some ped psych person who has specialized in this for decades who said that most kids grow out of it without any specific intervention (was it 75%, 85%??). I’m assuming that was also without any attempts to reinforce the behavior.
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:19 pmPerry alert at 1:19!!!!
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:21 pmor is it a Perry wanna be??
Actually, JVW, I was assuming that the mom would have a fit and never ever consider buying a Big Mac for the tyke.
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:24 pmletting your kids walk home from the park will get you arrested and your kids thrown into foster care……but this crap is OK?
Where is Child Protective Services?
gahrie (12cc0f) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:25 pmWomen is a child abuser and should be prosecuted.
Rodney King's Spirit (b31520) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:25 pmIt’s the bay area.
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:31 pmIn the months that followed, they started talking over girl names, with help from Jackie’s pre-K teacher.
it took months to decide that Jack’s hoochie-name would be Jackie?
for reals?
and this required a consultation with a school official?
Ok yeah that’s not weird.
happyfeet (a037ad) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:34 pmFollowing Jackie’s new name party which every child was required to attend lest they be cited for homophobia, Jackie’s parents filed suit against the local grade school to force them to build a $275,000 Transtoilet and Translockeroom complex. The school is also under notification they must put Jackie on all the boys teams she/he desires and that she and all the other little snowflakes will receive a trophy after each scoreless game. It’s been reported that Jackie has teamed up with the only gay child at the school and they plan to initiate The Rainbow Club to fill in the time void from the now defunct Bible Club unless or until those kids are released from re-education camp and their parents pay the $135,000 fine according to generally accepted fines for Christians.
Rev. Barack Hussein Hoagie (f4eb27) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:44 pmplease to support my courageous journey
happyfeetie (a037ad) — 7/8/2015 @ 1:52 pmWith any luck she’ll leave Jackie in the car while she gets a Slurpie and a cop will take her child away.
Kevin M (25bbee) — 7/8/2015 @ 2:28 pmThis is a parent who wants to be avant-garde, and have the first transgender child in her circle. It’s all about her.
Kevin M (25bbee) — 7/8/2015 @ 2:29 pmand this required a consultation with a school official?
Well, Jack originally wanted to be “Caitlyn” but that one was taken.
JVW (1a08e2) — 7/8/2015 @ 3:05 pm18-nk
mg (31009b) — 7/8/2015 @ 3:41 pmperfect
24-nk
mg (31009b) — 7/8/2015 @ 3:43 pmblowing watermelon through my nasal passage
thanks
Seriously – is there a doctor that will perform such a surgery at that age ?
You would think that there would be a chance of a devastating lawsuit 15 years later. Good luck talking about consent from a 3-year-old.
Kevin M (25bbee) — 7/8/2015 @ 4:28 pmOur number 2 son used to experience great joy as a three year old clomping around our wood floors wearing his Mom’s shoes. Thinking about that and the looks on his face and him laughing brings back hilarious memories. This developed into a unique fondness and interest in shoes, although thankfully MEN’s shoes. The kid must have bought and collected close to 100 pairs of basketball shoes over the years, let alone casual and dress shoes. We used to tell him to fight the feeling, that he didn’t want to be known as the Imelda Marcos of Northern California. He’d just laugh. I must say I haven’t had to purchase a pair of shoes in about 15 years, so his fixation has definitely worked to my advantage.
Colonel Haiku (2601c0) — 7/8/2015 @ 4:31 pmDear Sir/Madam,
We are writing to inform you that your sex change procedure was a partial success.
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 5:12 pmApparently 3-year olds transitioning is a thing:
Dana (86e864) — 7/8/2015 @ 5:22 pmBlue Cross Blue Cross Shield and other major health insurance accepted. Affordable installment plans for self-pay.
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 5:35 pmMy son’s pediatrician and pedatric nurse both asked, independently, my three-year-old son if he was a boy or a girl.
The first time he said he was a race car, and the second time he said he was a crayon. (On further questioning he acknowledged being a boy race car and a boy crayon.)
The nurse said she didn’t understand why “we have to ask that now”, and didn’t say who said they had to do it. But it made me think.
Gabriel Hanna (10a7c3) — 7/8/2015 @ 5:49 pmWe have a good pediatrician. When my daughter cut her chin on a slide, I wondered whether she needed plastic surgery. I was concerned about the anesthesia. He was shocked: “Of course she does. She’s a girl.” Maybe you should consider changing doctors, Gabriel.
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 5:59 pm@nk: It was clearly some kind of new policy. I don’t know how high up it goes–what if I had to move out of state to get away? And what would I be moving into?
I think they’re fine doctors there, but I will be watching and thinking critically. I already planned to, since I’m quite familiar with the limits of what doctors know and I don’t accept what they say ex cathedra, as it were.
Gabriel Hanna (10a7c3) — 7/8/2015 @ 6:03 pmGabriel,
I wonder if it’s an across the board thing now, or just something with your specific care provider?
Dana (86e864) — 7/8/2015 @ 6:22 pmA young girl insists at 4 years old she is a boy, mom says okay:
The child’s claim is given more credence than straight-up biology.
Further, the experts caution ignorant parents who believe that a 4 year old doesn’t know best:
Dana (86e864) — 7/8/2015 @ 6:32 pmIn all of these stories we are reading about transitioning kids, I find it interesting that no dads are interviewed, and seemingly have no comment to make about the situation. My guess is that moms are the ones who are easily moved to believe their children more than dads, and that dads are perhaps cowed by the moms. Often moms react strongly to watching their children be disciplined by dad, and step in so the child’s feelings aren’t hurt, etc. Could there be something similar going on here?
I asked someone who knows and it’s not a required question in Illinois. The only question which requires self-identification — not the physician’s observation — is race. I wonder if it’s from the American Academy of Pediatrics. I know they require their members to ask about guns in the house.
nk (dbc370) — 7/8/2015 @ 6:36 pmI wonder how they would handle a bulimic child.
Michael Ejercito (d9a893) — 7/8/2015 @ 7:30 pmthere’s really nothing so unusual about this. transgendered persons usually recall being convinced that they were the ‘wrong’ gender by the age of five. it just might be wise to listen to these kids rather than torturing them into a mold in which they don’t fit.
el polacko (cbd7e6) — 7/8/2015 @ 7:39 pm“torturing them into a mold…” straw man. There will always be confused children who are never given the guidance and wisdom normally provided by sane, loving parents.
Colonel Haiku (2601c0) — 7/8/2015 @ 7:48 pmas said before, the experience of the best expert says 75-85% of these children leave the idea behind if nothing is done (including not encouraging it)
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 7/8/2015 @ 7:51 pmThis is a non sequitur. Of course parental acceptance is a primary factor determining whether any child grows up to be happy, functional human being. But that has nothing to do with the fact that the vast majority of these children are just going through a phase. I went to your link, Dana, to see if the author wrote more on this Stony Brook University study. Naturally the author did not.
Meanwhile, back in the real world:
http://cnsnews.com/news/article/michael-w-chapman/johns-hopkins-psychiatrist-transgender-mental-disorder-sex-change
Dr. McHugh was head of psychiatry at John Hopkins Hospital. He had this to say about studies done at his own (and other) universities that dealt with transgender issues:
http://www.firstthings.com/article/2004/11/surgical-sex
Steve57 (4c9797) — 7/8/2015 @ 9:46 pmMy 3 year old said she was a cat. For months, I had to learn cat language (“meow meow means I love you mommie”). Although we suffered without support during that time (unbelievably, there is no acceptance, understanding, or help available for feline-identity disorder), she eventually accepted her identity as a girl again. Although every once in a while she still meows and I wonder if she’s be happier if I had been able to get her the affirmation and support she needed.
chickia (e49d32) — 7/9/2015 @ 8:07 amDo you remember the horror of female circumcision and those crazy Muslims? Those were the days!
Kevin M (25bbee) — 7/9/2015 @ 8:44 am