After reading the hilarously profane letter from the girl Ace calls the “Sorority Scold”, I wondered how Paul Anka might have handled such a situation. I think it might have gone something like this (language warning):

Julia: First order of business. No pants at these social events. You understand that? See the pants that everybody’s wearing? Everybody pr… Where’s the, where’s the girl at the end, the new pledge, who’s missing?

Someone: She wasn’t wearing pants.

Julia: Yeah, I know. The other girl on the end had the pants. Skirts! Didn’t I say skirts?

Someone: Yep.

Jana: I thought she had a skirt.

Julia: You thought, you thought.. you thought, you thought 8 things tonight. You’re on fuckin’ notice, Jana. Do you have your head stuck under a fucking rock? I gave you a list, ya got half the list that I gave you – with instructions for what you wear and everything on it. OK? The girls get skirts. Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me. The girls get skirts. D’ya understand? I will fucking cunt punt the next person I see wearing pants. We’re not going to be as strong as our weakest link! The girls get skirts. Y’understand that? This is like church, dances, like anything else. The girls get skirts.

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Your first start was not FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. So there’s no confusion. When I tell you talk to the guys from Sigma Nu, that is what you do. And look at these guys when you talk to them. Let me ask you this. A pilot is in a plane when he’s landing, he not only looks at his instruments, he looks at the fuckin’ runway to make sure it’s there. What do you look at? Who’re you watching? Are you looking at your sisters? You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

What’s it going to be, girls? You want fucking Vinny Falcone in front? Do you want me to go up and get a chaperone who’ll sit and ride your asses? Is that what you want? D’ya want to be in this sorority? Where’s Jo?

There is a lot of loose shit going on and I’m telling you you girls are on thin ice. All right? Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to tell me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. I’m telling you right now. And when I fuckin’ move I slice like a fuckin’ hammer. You’ve seen it and I’ll do it again. When I tell you not to post game at other frats, you do not FUCKING post game at other frats. I will not put up with this shit. D’ya understand that?

That’s Just. The Fucking. Way. It Is!

Do you all get full value on your sorority dues? I want full attention on Sigma Nu. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! Do you hear me? D’ya understand that? Put me some fuckin’ knowledge in here!

YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE. I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU. That’s just the way it is around here. D’ya understand that? That’s how fuckin’ crucial this is. Sigma Nu frat members are the only important ones at that party.

Do you want to get kicked out of this sorority? Give me some intelligent fuckin’ answers. Who should you be talking to at the night time events?

Someone: Well I have an idea.

Julia: I don’t want an idea, I want to know what went wrong and I wanta know how to fix it. Where’s Jo?

Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. You understand that? It’s just the kick that I’m on, the mood that I’m on. I’m on that kind of an integrity kick. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. D’ya understand? You understand where I’m coming from with integrity?

If you post game at other frats, you’re gone. And that goes for everybody. And that’s Just. The fucking. Way. It is!!

Don’t make a fuckin’ maniac out of me!!

Where’s Jo?