Sockpuppet Friday (Craigslist edition)
[Posted by Karl]
As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sockpuppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.
Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself.
Sockpuppet comments about the Republican primary race are strictly prohibited. If you wish to use sockpuppets for that purpose, confine your comments to this thread. Same goes for any discussion that is not funny where people want to get angry at each other. Offending comments will be summarily deleted and the violators flogged.
And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.
—
Via John Podhoretz’s Twitter feed, a Craigslist personal ad. RTWT.
Update: The ad has been taken down but the main parts are excerpted by Twitchy.
–Karl
If I were gay, I’d hit that.
With a shovel.
Seriously, if that’s the best we can do with the young American male, I shall no doubt be happily coupling with nubile young, conservative females well into my 80’s.
This colossal beta-male douchebag obviously serves no purpose except to preen, during which time he’ll no doubt be devoured by whatever Alpha male happens upon his effeminate, high-maintenance ass first.
Screw Sockpuppets - I'm My Sharia Moor (fd42ae) — 4/20/2012 @ 8:58 amWhat Sharia said.
509th Bob (dd1bdb) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:13 amIf you even drink a glass of wine every other month, or you don’t want my gimp participating in our sex, well, there’s the door.
Dammit, this guy is from my town.
(what does RTWT mean? I thought FTW was f**k the world, and I found out yesterday it’s For The Win. I’m not down with the acronyms.)
Ghost (6f9de7) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:16 amGhost,
Read the Whole Thing.
Karl (f07e38) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:18 amI’ve tried everywhere else, but help me please. I think they’re just fattening me up. He pardoned the turkey last year and I haven’t seen the cat since. Send help!
BO (cb41bb) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:18 amI’m holding out hope that the Craigslist posting is just one giant hoax, designed as a gotcha moment by one of the funniest people of all time. Please?
Craiglist guy's abs (2a6861) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:25 amguy’s looking for ten, teh hard way…
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:46 ammove to Beavertown
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:49 amcolossal disappointment
false advertising
c’mon BeaverMan
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 9:57 amthat port is not an >entrance<
that is an *exit*
heh of all teh roads
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:00 amin life BeaverMan chooses
teh dirty back road
dos penetrations
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:03 amcuz he’s a dirty white boy
and he’s hot-blooded
I don’t anything about some list by a fella named Craig, but I do know, if I was President again, I’d fire that son of a b**ch Eric Holder and a few other smart-asses who don’t seem to remember who they’re working for! …And you can quote me on that, gentlemen!
Harry S. Truman (255b30) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:08 amYour “Deal Breaker” list just happens to be this year’s GSA party theme! What gives?
Jeff Neely, GSA Director (7051ab) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:16 amBeaverton, Oregon is the home of the famous Douche Canoe! I paddled it often.
Kieth Olbermann, former muckraker (7051ab) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:19 amHot Dog! Hot Dog! Hot Diggitty Dog!
The Prez (c8f13b) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:22 amHey, they don’t call it Chow for nothing!
The Prez (c8f13b) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:23 amTomorrow’s menu at the White House:
Breakfast: Eggs Rover Easy, with toast. Then some Great Danish with coffee.
Lunch: German Shepherd Pie, with a side salad of Bichon Frisee.
Dinner: ChateauBriard, with Fluffy Potatoes.
The Prez (c8f13b) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:27 amDon’t forget to pair that ChateauBriard with a nice ’98 Gewurztraweimaraner.
The Prez's Somelier (870be5) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:36 amAnd don’t forget a side of Yorkshire Terrier pudding.
Westminster Kennel Club (f76d05) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:51 am“I can tell you for a fact that love and family are the most important things in life to me.”
What a catch ladies!
Good thing he’s all about love and romance and family and doesn’t care about rules or controlling your life.
Heh.
daleyrocks (bf33e9) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:21 am“Dinner: ChateauBriard, with Fluffy Potatoes.”
Tomorrow – Pomeranian Pot Pie
daleyrocks (bf33e9) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:23 amThank God the defense asked me to leave. I’ll recluse myself for a vague connection, (even though hubby is legal advisor for a MSM channel). At least I won’t have Sharpton bitching about me given the DA does not have diddly for a case.
Judge Jessie (a1fcca) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:28 amI told them I’d be flying home every weekend if I take the job. The Prez said not to worry, the military won’t be transporting Nancy any more.
Pannetta (a1fcca) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:32 amDue to the Republicans, for the third year in a row, I cannot pass a budget in the Senate, even though Democrats have a majority. That would require some of my fellow democrats to vote on things that would PO people. That might cause them to lose in November.
Harry the Reid (a1fcca) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:37 amIt’s great to see that you’re chiming right in to the spirit of doggy food fun, Mr. “Somelier”! Nicely played.
elissa (b4175e) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:38 amHey Gov. O’Malley, unlike Maryland, Virginia has just passed a budget. And we had to deal with a 50/50 Senate split. Your party has absolute control in Maryland and you still don’t have a budget. National Democratic ticket my rear…
Gov McDonnell, Virginia (a1fcca) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:45 amIt is really fun to mess with Mel’s mind.
Eszterhas (a1fcca) — 4/20/2012 @ 11:50 amAttractive, fit male searching for
cuddling,frilly dressed sterile woman who will make me sammiches,affectionstalking victim andromancethree way anal partner!What?
Craigslist catch (498806) — 4/20/2012 @ 12:01 pmThanks Karl. It’s been driving me nuts for months.
Ghost (6f9de7) — 4/20/2012 @ 12:02 pmIt’s been more than one whole DAY since I posted that ad.
WHERE are the ladies???? *refreshes emails, reaches for camera again*
Craigslist catch (498806) — 4/20/2012 @ 12:06 pm*perfect British accent* Oh, hullo. Just finished combing the Book of Mormon for additional ammunition to use against Mitt Romney.
You do realize being Mormon is practically illegal, don’t you?
No, I’m not angry, how utterly ridiculous. Just because Andrew Breitbart
Martin Bashir, master of passive aggressive cattiness (498806) — 4/20/2012 @ 12:39 pmmade me look a fooldecided to throw spittle all round my studio doesn’t mean I’m not a fair, unbiased journalist.Hugo the Abominable Beaverton Bodybuilder: [holding girl, whose outfit makes her look like a playboy bunny] “Oh, what a cute little pink bunny rabbit!”
Daffy Duck (180aed) — 4/20/2012 @ 12:57 pm[cradling girl]
“Just what I always wanted. My own little bunny rabbit. I will name her Georgina, and I will hug her and pet her and squeeze her…”
Girl: “I’m not a bunny rabbit… ”
Hugo the Abominable Beaverton Bodybuilder: “…and pat her and pet her and… ”
Girl: “You’re hurting me. Put me down, please.”
Hugo the Abominable Beaverton bodybuilder: “…and rub her and caress her and…”
Girl: [shouts] “I drink! I smoke! I do drugs! I work 2 jobs! You’re not sticking that up my @$$!!!”
I’m so fair, I steadfastly refuse to apologize to Gov Palin for saying she was violating federal law by depicting the American flag on the side of her bus.
Martin BashHer (a71555) — 4/20/2012 @ 12:57 pm#1 So much for freedom of speech. Not sure what the deal is with this site but if I cant post a sweet, romantic, and straight forward ad on a public website without being the object of ridicule then the whole country is shot.
#2 I even have the DP on my match.com profile but because I am responsible about introducing it even the female admins (and some of the guys) and up emailing me. Thats a fun time but I want that action with someone I can really be with.
#3 Im still a romantic. Ex gf we held hands (even in the car) while she was getting DP’ed. So there. Welcome to 2012.
M4W (811b3a) — 4/20/2012 @ 1:08 pm#4 oh and btw—
anytime I make an ad I set a google alert. Always curious to see who is talking about it so I can show my mom that Im really trying to find a nice girl to DP while we make plans to settle down. Too bad you guys arent mature enough to realize that.
M4W (811b3a) — 4/20/2012 @ 1:12 pmPerhaps I should redo my ad to include some shirtless pics after all since I don’t seem to be getting any hits. But I do hate to lower my standards.
Beaverton Hot Male (a0dc04) — 4/20/2012 @ 1:37 pmThat Beaverton guy sounded pretty hot until I got to the last paragraph. Even I’m too good for that.
MeggieMcCain (a0dc04) — 4/20/2012 @ 1:40 pmNonpracticing Mormon looking for A TRADITIONAL WIFE with no prior boyfriends, with two minor exceptions:
1) Wife must want to take care of children but not have or want to have any children
2) Wife must agree to Ménage à trois – not with another woman, but another man. We will change the men from time to time.
Jacked Up Mormon (d22d64) — 4/20/2012 @ 2:33 pmWhat part of the first amedment protects you from ridicule?
Ghost (6f9de7) — 4/20/2012 @ 2:36 pmYes, I DO own the Internet now.
Jim Treacher, taking full and complete advantage of bragging rights, why almost a little TOO much (498806) — 4/20/2012 @ 2:43 pmSaul Alinsky, you magnificent bastard, we read your BOOK!
Republicans, having a ball making Jay, Valerie, David, Michelle and Barack sweat and fume (498806) — 4/20/2012 @ 2:48 pmtraditional dude
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 3:14 pmteh Strada Chocolata
what’s not to like, gals?!?!
they say don’t go on
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 3:16 pmBeaverton Mountain if you’re
looking for a wife
likes:
long walks on sandy beaches… √
warm, blazing fires on cold evenings… √
Tommy James and the Shondells… √
dual penetration (dp) fusterclucks…
newborn puppies and kittens… √
“This posting has been deleted by its author.”
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 3:24 pmAs a prosecutor against George Zimmerman, let me ask a bunch of inflammatory gotcha questions like a total prick.
Sociopathic, Uncaring Quasi-Human Being (2293ea) — 4/20/2012 @ 3:32 pmAs a prosecutor against George Zimmerman, let me ask a bunch of inflammatory gotcha questions like a total pr!ck.
Sociopathic, Uncaring Quasi-Human Being (2293ea) — 4/20/2012 @ 3:34 pmThat Beaverton dude is for real. On my honor as a White House correspondent I saw a copy of his driver’s license, so absolutely I can vouch for him. Hey! I’ll bet I can help him out, too. I can hook the guy up with Nikki Reid and Tony Weiner.
Tommy Christopher (b4175e) — 4/20/2012 @ 3:34 pmSingle white male, 55, professional, 6’2″, 165 lbs., have most hair and teeth still, looking for a woman, with a 30 foot fishing boat, for long term realtionship. Please send picture of boat.
SWM (875f57) — 4/20/2012 @ 4:01 pm“Did Agents Have Sex with Minors in Colombia?”
I thought those minors was from Chile.
Colonel Haiku (1878e8) — 4/20/2012 @ 4:04 pmMy husband, BuhRock, has brought us out of the darkness and into the light!
Meechelle L. R. Obama (a0dc04) — 4/20/2012 @ 5:05 pm@Ghost I guess it doesnt it. But I dont make fun of your invisibility fetish when you post it looking for dates online.
btw did I see Tommy Xtopher up there in the comments? Hey Tommy, HL Mencken is back from the dead-he wants his hair back
M4W (811b3a) — 4/20/2012 @ 5:13 pmDog gone it, Michelle, you said that this wouldn’t get me in any trouble!
Barack Hussein Obama, President of te United States of America (f68855) — 4/20/2012 @ 5:23 pmNo, no, no! I didn’t say that I ate a dog, I said I married a dog, and then she made me eat her.
Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States of America (f68855) — 4/20/2012 @ 5:24 pmThose guys down in Colombia…they were Victoria’s Secret Service. Completely different organization.
Your Neighborhood Agent (f5da59) — 4/20/2012 @ 5:42 pmI enjoy poodles…with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Barack "Hannibal" Obama (f5da59) — 4/20/2012 @ 5:47 pmAs Homer would say, Doh’
david randall chaney (8d0f34) — 4/20/2012 @ 5:57 pmwhere did the craigslist thing go?
nobody tells me anything
happyfeet (3c92a1) — 4/20/2012 @ 6:24 pmLadies, pack an overnight bag for your first date with this Beaverton chick magnet and a lifetime of love and family, without kids of course, and double penetration is yours for the taking. You can live a life free of want as a prisoner in my home, although I will let you out to watch me lift weights at the gym and race my motor bike.
Just don’t let me catch you talking to another guy, because that’s where all the trouble usually starts. My Satan Pit doesn’t fill itself, you know.
Beaverton Backdoor Bad Boy (bf33e9) — 4/20/2012 @ 6:29 pmHola my latino friends. Send your money to Latinos for Obama. And that Zimmerman stuff, I didn’t mean a thing by it.
Obama (a1fcca) — 4/20/2012 @ 6:34 pmfeets!
Excerpts.
Karl (6f7ecd) — 4/20/2012 @ 6:35 pmMy Craigslist ad was very similar, except it was for my rape barn.
My deal breaker was Absolutely No Chaka’s!
(they leave fur all over my white leather sofas)
Hissssssssssssssssssssssss
Sleestak (3681c4) — 4/20/2012 @ 6:39 pmthank you Mr. Karl I felt left out
happyfeet (3c92a1) — 4/20/2012 @ 6:55 pmpeople
people who need people
happyfeet (3c92a1) — 4/20/2012 @ 6:58 pmMr. Feets that tiny excerpt really doesn’t do justice to the lyricism and complexity of the Beaverton dude’s Craig’s List ad. But don’t worry too much or feel too bad that you missed reading the whole ad because I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of this guy. (Like on True Crime, 48 Hours Mystery or America’s Most Wanted.)
elissa (271642) — 4/20/2012 @ 8:07 pmNaked Friday Night Cocktails………………. – 48 – (Beaverton) oops, I meant to say: hey, I specifically asked for Cockapoo, LoLo and this is Chow Chow…Stanley is gonna be your enemy for this….and besides stop clinging to your Koran and scimitar….; can I have a Portuguese water dog puppy?
barbar soetoro (4bea31) — 4/20/2012 @ 8:41 pmThere are definitely girls who would take him up on his ad.
Well, the disclaimer anyway. The main part’s a bit weird.
Random (2293ea) — 4/20/2012 @ 10:07 pmHow many holes need to be filled?
bubba clinton (44de53) — 4/21/2012 @ 12:25 amOff Sock Topic: Did anyone see the Zimmerman video from today? Does it look like he was wearing a bullet proof vest to anyone else?
Idk, I just found that interesting.
Hisss
Sleestak (3681c4) — 4/21/2012 @ 1:05 amYou know your a one timer, when the fenway faithful boo your marxist ass.
bubba clinton (44de53) — 4/21/2012 @ 2:45 amdouble-stack Oreo!
http://t.co/7kf8fetN
Colonel Haiku (34ef2e) — 4/21/2012 @ 9:20 amMy new album is out. Tracks include:
“Whippet — Whippet Good”
“I Shot the Shih Tzu”
“Puppy Love”
“Wok the Dog”
“I Ate a Dog, And I Liked It”
“Bitch” (had to change Jagger’s lyrics; “just ate a horse-meat pie” is disgusting!)
“Hound Dog” (“frying all the time”; heh!)
“Somebody Get Me a Dachsund”
Bonus Track: “Seamus” feat. EmRom (an obscure Pink Floyd song about a crying hound dog that seemed strangely appropriate for me to record)
Barry Soetoro (ad8dd3) — 4/21/2012 @ 2:15 pmAnyone finds our Truth-O-Meter please take it to lost and found
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CamHub (9a8b91) — 4/22/2012 @ 11:56 pm