Patterico's Pontifications

that is the awesome by which all future awesome will be measured I think

happyfeet (3c92a1) — 5/22/2011 @ 1:03 am

How is it, you ask, that Pandeism saved the world today? We (“we” being your neighbourly planetwide community of pandeists) had been keeping a vigilant eye on this whole Rapture situation for some months now, and sure enough it was on this day that Yahweh made his move against the people of Earth. His plan was simple and straightforward: use the power of his followers’ faith to fuel his destruction of the planet. You see, like all of what men call “gods,” Yahweh is an egrigore, a psychic phenomenon brought into existence by belief in it. And, like any egrigore, it takes on the personality characteristics which its followers tend to attribute to it in practice, even if not in their literature; and so a “Love” goddess (and aren’t they always goddesses) will swiftly devolve from a nurturer of romantic attachment to something like the opposite, a sex-starved seductress who cares for no love but her own; and a “War” god goes from giving noble assistance to those who show bravery in battle, to becoming a fomenter of conflict for the sake of conflict to fuel what has become a lust for war, reflective of that which lies in the spirits of its followers.

So it was with Yahweh; though described over and over as a loving deity, so many of its followers projected into it the hatred in their hearts, hatred against people who were different in ethnicity or sexuality (not simply by orientation, but in the practice of it altogether) or belief, even other followers of Yahweh whose beliefs differed in some triviality; verily the fervency with which some believed their god to be the kind which would end the world, rescuing only the most toadying handful of its followers and inflicting horrible suffering on the confused masses remaining — first for some years on Earth, and then to please its nostrils with the odor of burning flesh, for all eternity.

And so, the desire for such a beast to exist was powerful enough to instill in the collected psychic expression an intention to destroy the world, to torment and murder all mankind; and since every group of followers was thought by many other to be unworthy of salvation, none would have been “saved”…. it was torture, then death, then more torture still, for every living thing inhabiting the Earth.

But then the pandeists stepped up; for no matter how fervently held a belief, no matter how it may empower the spirit which it has established, it can not overcome the power of reality. Thousands of years of people believing the Earth to be flat and the Sun to orbit it could not make these things so. And so, as Yahweh planned his devastating holocaust against humanity, the pandeists as a one, with all of the will of our minds, focused our thoughts on logic and reason and the factual nonexistence of illogical entities. We intently disbelieved in the ability of Yahweh to inflict itself upon the world. And despite the draw of millions of believers willing the death of their neighbours in their hope and fear, the few thousand pandeists employed mathematics and maturity, physics and philosophy, science and conscience, and rendered impotent the bugbear, pulling the teeth from Yahweh’s attack.

The world will little note nor long remember the mental defense erected against the eradication of the human race on this day, May 21, 2011. Verily, it will soon be forgot that anyone had forecast “the Rapture” to happen on this date at all. But we amongst the pandeists of Earth will never forget the glory of the exercise of logic, reason, and rationality.

Pandeism Fish (101bab) — 5/22/2011 @ 1:24 am

sweet mother of wtf are you on about

happyfeet (3c92a1) — 5/22/2011 @ 1:30 am

Um, all I got from that is that the world was saved by pandas. And therefore the world owes them, and should save them in return. Or something.

Milhouse (3eb4bf) — 5/22/2011 @ 2:08 am

But we amongst the pandeists of Earth will never forget the glory of the exercise of logic, reason, and rationality.

Verily, are you absolutely sure you’re glorifying logic?

Praise be to Yevon.

Dustin (c16eca) — 5/22/2011 @ 3:56 am

My sons and a couple of friends gathered up some old clothes and shoes, placed them them on the sidewalk at a busy intersection, put some dry ice and water in the shoes to create little wisps of fog then stood back and watched teh funny. No videos, sorry.

Old Coot (664b6c) — 5/22/2011 @ 5:49 am

I feel like Jesus.

DohBiden (15aa57) — 5/22/2011 @ 8:14 am

…what the fuck is going on here?

CliveStaples (b92b52) — 5/22/2011 @ 10:09 am

Question: if Jesus is already in Heaven, what is at the top of that escalator behind him?

Jones (e48b3e) — 5/22/2011 @ 4:44 pm

all the pandeists were kung-fu fighting…

Jones (e48b3e) — 5/22/2011 @ 4:45 pm

I’ve been saying all along that Randy stopped the Rapture. All pray to ST. RANDY “THE MACHO MAN ” He is The Patron Saint of Rapture Prevention.
The Beatification process will start immediately AMEN

mr mike (eb8c94) — 5/22/2011 @ 8:13 pm

randy can be good to protect this human

elecsz.com (cb3aec) — 5/22/2011 @ 8:43 pm

As a lifelong God-bothering Bible-humping Science-denying Vile Christianist, I’d just like to say…

…I’m totally on board with comment #1. This is the new Gold Standard for Pure Awesome.

PCachu (e072b7) — 5/23/2011 @ 7:38 pm

5/21/2011

Why the Rapture Didn’t Happen Today

13 Responses to “Why the Rapture Didn’t Happen Today”

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