Sockpuppet Friday: The Sequels Suck Edition!
[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here.]
As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sock puppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.
Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself, a lot.
And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.
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And for my now-steady feature of Friday frivolity, are you ready for the sequel to E.T.?
Of course, that isn’t real, although it is extremely well done as a parody of the kind of monstrosity that a sequel to E.T. would have been, mixing what appears to be classic movie footage with a little modern fan-flick footage, to create a video that actually looks pretty close to a real sequel for a few moments, until it goes all “Sharktopus” on us. Of course you have to think the people who made this fake trailer were being Ed-Woodian on purpose.
And on a tangential note, this trailer for the upcoming science-fiction-first-contact-stoner-comedy “Paul” is NSFW, but pretty funny, too.
Of course through much of that clip and the images of the E.T. sequel, they manage to fall into the sixth “giant blind spot[] in every movie alien’s invasion strategy.” Namely they should “wear something.” From the piece:
Everyone makes fun of Signs because it depicts an alien invasion that is thwarted because the aliens die if they touch water. But that’s not the issue. It’s not their fault that water is like acid to them, but it is their fault that they showed up naked. You have intergalactic starships, but you don’t have goddamned pants?
Heh. That Cracked.com article gets a few things wrong, but mostly involving nerdy nitpicks (for instance, E.T. was not getting sick because of Earth diseases). Overall the article is right on target pointing out the logical mistakes most movies in this genre make.
[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing.]
Hey, sequels are great . . . and they made me rich!
Luke Skywalker (3e4784) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:10 amThe cash be with you, Luke.
Yoda (3e4784) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:11 amUse the cash, Luke!
Obi-Wan Kenobi (3e4784) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:12 amLook out, E.T.! They’ve got WALKIE-TALKIES!
Elliott (890cbf) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:17 amIt was written:
Oh, I’d love to be a Hollywood director, and create a sci-fi film with a naked crew. It would star Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, Kathleen Turner (maybe I needed to make this film a few years ago), Lindsey Lohan (if we could keep her out of jail) and Natasha Kinski.
Some deviated prevert (3e4784) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:19 amAh, those walkie-talkies take me back. If only I’d gotten residuals.
Anyone seen my career? Or anything I’ve been in since “Legends of The Fall”? That was awesome. They kill me off on some barbed wire. Then Brad Pitt and Aidan Quinn fight over Julia Ormond, and a bear kills somebody, or something. I never did make it through the whole film awake.
Henry "Elliott"Thomas (890cbf) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:26 amI feel terrible about how much we sequels usually suck. You know I do, baby. And I’m gonna make it up to you, I promise. Just give me another chance. I’ll do better from now on. Just one more chance. You’ll see.
The Hangover 2, standing at the door with the de rigeur apology-flowers-n-chocolates (325a59) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:52 amAnd for my next project, the facehuggers go back in time, and eat the dinosaurs
paul w anderson (bf58f6) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:53 amYou know I’m on my way. Look on me, ye moviegoers, and despair!
The Island 2 (325a59) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:56 amWhy does everyone always pick on me? I can make things go BOOM like nobody’s business!
Michael Bay (325a59) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:58 amSo can I but that doesn’t mean people like me.
Your average stupid terrorist, preparing to blow himself up inadvertently (325a59) — 2/25/2011 @ 10:59 amMy careers’ really going places, I don’t know where though
vin diesel (bf58f6) — 2/25/2011 @ 11:04 amI have a new TV program. It’s called “Two and a Half No Show”
Charlie Sheen (848837) — 2/25/2011 @ 11:05 amGo for it, Charlie, by the way you’re not really crazy, me on the other hand,
alex jones (bf58f6) — 2/25/2011 @ 11:21 amI told CNN it’s either me or her.
Client #9 (848837) — 2/25/2011 @ 11:23 amoop shoop a doop, bin Laden, LSD, drugs in coffee. Scooby dooby doo. Don’t touch that dial.
Mr. M. Gaddafi (848837) — 2/25/2011 @ 11:31 amAaron, I wish I knew how to quit you! I like to pay a lot of attention to the object of my affection, otherwise known as stalking!
Brokeback Kmant (e7577d) — 2/25/2011 @ 11:35 amLucas won’t return my calls about Episode VII. Even after I agreed NOT to reprise the gold bikini shot from Ep V.
All I DO hear from are Travolta’s lawyers, but hey: Truth is a defense, and all that.
Carrie Fisher (890cbf) — 2/25/2011 @ 12:24 pmYou teabagging wingnutz need a Friday afternoon musical interlude. Enjoy.
Richie Valens (ae76ce) — 2/25/2011 @ 1:12 pm(for instance, E.T. was not getting sick because of Earth diseases
Excuse me, but seeing as I invented the alien invasion genre, I think I know a thing or two about the matter. That’s not a nerdy nitpic. It’s the whole plot!
H G Wells (d6f0fc) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:18 pmThings I can not do, even if a judge says I can:
Make a good sequel to a blockbuster movie.
Keep Carlos Estevez sober.
The Commerce Clause (d6f0fc) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:20 pmI told you people I’d quit this show if Spitz kept stroking my thigh.
Kathleen (02cf42) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:33 pmOk all of you so called journalists here at Political, us mices is taking over. Hey Ben, get off your butt and get us some cheese.
Bold mices in hooties (02cf42) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:36 pmMiracle Whip is good old plan American. Not something an elite man from the bayou, used to roaming and being welcomed in the high Democratic ranks would use.
Jimmy the Carvel (02cf42) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:45 pmI didn’t ask for no tax cut. Us milionaires don’t need it. And no, I’m not writing a check for the difference to the US Treasury or to one of the many charities that got me where I am today. Nope, it has to be forced giving through taxes.
John the Legend (02cf42) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:51 pmThe odd numbered sequels maybe, but the even numbered ones are good.
William Shatner (2f2a28) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:57 pmClarification:
All right maybe good is too strong a term for some of them, but at least they don’t suck.
William Shatner (2f2a28) — 2/25/2011 @ 2:59 pmI certainly agree, with ‘corinthian leather’
khan noonian singh (bf58f6) — 2/25/2011 @ 3:15 pmCommerce clause, commerce clause. We’re getting a lot of interstate commerce up here, all those people from Illinois coming up to MadTown to protest need to eat and drink, afterall.
Since we’ve lost only 13 people to Illinois to do their eating and drinking I think we’re doing good on the trade balance thing. I wonder though if we can tax what the Badger 14 are getting paid to promote tourism in Rockford:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwcVHyk3FBE
Even my 10 year old daughter thinks the ad is great!
Scott Walker (3d3f72) — 2/25/2011 @ 3:17 pmHere you go, step right up, get your “I’m sick and can’t honor my union teaching contract” excuse. No exam or medical history needed.
UWMF Doc (e80054) — 2/25/2011 @ 4:07 pmOh, I’d love to be a Hollywood director, and create a sci-fi film with a naked crew.
Dude, just come on over to my pad this weekend, and bring your camera.
Charlie Sheen (1db6c5) — 2/25/2011 @ 4:21 pmFreedom of speech allows us to commit fraud and not lose our licenses. Like the University is going to punish us. Ha! The union leftists are in charge of the university.
UWMF Docs (e80054) — 2/25/2011 @ 4:25 pmThanks all of you arabs for making lots of news. I need the cover so I can continue to undermine state governments like Wisconsin. Gaddafi you da man!
Obama man (e80054) — 2/25/2011 @ 4:30 pmAnd thanks to Obamacare, you don’t have to pay for those fake sick notes.
UMDocs (6b2e01) — 2/25/2011 @ 4:55 pmShoot, forgot where I was from there for a sec. Don’t want anyone thinking I came over from Minnesota. Altho I might have.
UWDocs (6b2e01) — 2/25/2011 @ 4:56 pmHey Charlie, we’re with you all the way. Don’t let those %@&*# Jews walk all over you.
Respectfully,
Two and a half men (a2a019) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:07 pmMel Gibson
Jimmy Carter
Helen Thomas
All right maybe good is too strong a term for some of them, but at least they don’t suck.
Only if you’re watching them while drinking some Saurian brandy.
Leonard Nimoy (33a0bd) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:19 pmi’ve got just about everything i need for the big party, but does anyone remember where i stored all the mustard?
Malomar Kadaffy (fb8750) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:24 pmSo which one is the half man? Mel or Jimmy?
Helen Thomas (0cd6a2) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:24 pmAnd thanks to Obamacare, you don’t have to pay for those fake sick notes.
Comment by UMDocs — 2/25/2011 @ 4:55 pm
Hey, we sure could use some of those. Our supervisor’s being a real pain in the neck.
Wisconsin fleebaggers, fake-coughing up a lung (e7daa1) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:27 pmi’ve got just about everything i need for the big party, but does anyone remember where i stored all the mustard?
Comment by Malomar Kadaffy — 2/25/2011 @ 5:24 pm
Check the flaps in your hat, my good man. Are you sure the Doritos aren’t in there too?
The Fashion Police, getting juuuust a little testy (e7daa1) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:30 pmC’mon, people! I want BLOOD! And coffee cups! What’s a burned face or two when you’re defending human rights?
Rep Mike Capuano (D-Ma.) (e7daa1) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:34 pmThe President confirms he is not getting down on his knees and sucking up to the gay vote. So he and Eric are not upholding their obligations to support the laws of the US, (Defense of Marriage Act)and the White House primps the appointment of an openly gay social secretary. No 2012 politics here.
White House Press release (0cd6a2) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:36 pmRonald Reagan voted best president ever? Incontheivable!
Chris Matthews (e7daa1) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:47 pmHey, Harry, big boy. Want to come over here and, um, discuss that speech you gave about us the other day? C’mon. It’ll be fun. *wink*
Prostitutes in Nevada (e7daa1) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:53 pmWhat – a whole thread gone by and not a word of congratulations? Heads are F****ING gonna roll, I swear on my grandmother’s grave!
That's f****** MAYOR Rahm to you, a******s! (e7daa1) — 2/25/2011 @ 5:59 pmSorry, Rahm. We’ve been a little busy over this way.
Dave Cieslewicz Mayor of Madison (6b2e01) — 2/25/2011 @ 6:22 pmPerhaps I should ask Dingy Harry to come work at my stud ranch. Might mellow him out a bit.
Heidi Fleiss (6b2e01) — 2/25/2011 @ 6:23 pmI want to point out that we, the Prostitutes’ Union of Nevada are not willing to sleep with Harry Reid, contrary to what “Prostitutes in Nevada” above suggested.
There are some things that even we won’t do.
Prostitutes' Union of Nevada (73a7ea) — 2/25/2011 @ 6:26 pmHere in the theme room we got a stern talking to after the State of The Union Address and have to bounce our new theme ideas off of some folks outside the beltway who might be intelligent enough to have constructive critiques. Honestly it was just a joke, we didn’t think anyone would actually go with W.T.F. as a theme, guess we overestimated someone.
what do you folks think about:
“America, you can’t spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up, you trusted us. Hey, make the best of it. Maybe we can help.”
Obama 2012 (2f2a28) — 2/25/2011 @ 7:48 pmMy own biopic, at last!!!
Roger the alien from American Dad (6b8bbb) — 2/25/2011 @ 8:46 pmFashion! Turn to the left
Moon Man Cute Daffy (6b8bbb) — 2/25/2011 @ 8:53 pmFashion! Turn to the right
Oooh, fashion!
We are the goon squad
and we’re coming to town
Beep-beep
Beep-beep
How’s this for my next craigslist photo?
David Wu
David Wu (5b724e) — 2/25/2011 @ 9:11 pmGlenn Beck knows noth-ing!
He sees noth-ing!
He has proved noth-ing!
Heil Soros!
Sgt. Ed Schultz (6b8bbb) — 2/25/2011 @ 9:19 pmWhen I am not lying, I hang out with Zanfir and practice the skin flute, or plagiarize. I am really just a pathetic midget, trying desperately to overcompensate for my lack of height’ Napoleon complex, and obvious lack of basic honest and functioning grey matter.
William Yelverton (d4bbf1) — 2/25/2011 @ 9:22 pmEverything that the Wisconsin protesters do is perfectly acceptable with us.
Schultz, Matthews, O'Donnell & Maddow (6b8bbb) — 2/25/2011 @ 9:22 pmDitto to the legislators behaving like hate-filled maggots.
Double ditto to the senators that ran away like little pu$$ies.
Shrieking out hate-filled rants, followed by slamming the microphone to the floor, is the most productive use of taxpayer dollars that we can manage.
Members of the Wisconsin House of Representatives (6b8bbb) — 2/25/2011 @ 9:27 pmWe have NOT left the state entirely.
Our backbones are still somewhere in Wisconsin.
Wisconsin senators (6b8bbb) — 2/25/2011 @ 9:29 pmYou WI and IN Dems are more cowardly than I. I just hide behind multiple names, spitting out my lies. You clowns turned tail, ran away, and hid in another state.
William Yelverton (d4bbf1) — 2/25/2011 @ 9:33 pmthat’s nothing: i pretend to be an American citizen…
suckers.
Barack "Jug Ears" Obama (fb8750) — 2/26/2011 @ 1:06 amSolidarity, brothers! The workers control the means of
Wisconsin Teachers Union (6b8bbb) — 2/26/2011 @ 4:20 amindoctrinationproduction.Charlie Sheen wrote:
Dude, did you notice that, among my list of potential stars — Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, Kathleen Turner, Lindsey Lohan and Natasha Kinski — none of them look like you naked.
Not THAT deviated a prevert! (132cf8) — 2/26/2011 @ 7:30 amIf the Wisconsin senators had 1/100th of the testosterone of this guy they wouldn’t have even thouight of running away, 1/1000th and they might have thought about it, but wouldn’t have done it:
http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2011/02/028468.php
Seriously, check it out then come back here to buy the book on Amazon.
Scott Walker (3d3f72) — 2/26/2011 @ 8:44 amThe stupidity lies in the notion that you’ve got interstellar travel, but decide to pick on a world that’s got 75% of its surface area covered with a substance you find completely toxic.
The “spacesuit” issue IS of relevance — if we decided to land on Titan (i.e., visit with the intention to explore and/or study), I’m sure we’d take along proper external gear, but the real question, in the first place, is why we would decide to **invade** the place with the intention of a long-term stay either way, when its environment is so clearly foreign and outside of our own “comfort zone” as creatures…
On this latter, more than anything, Signs failed as having a stupid macguffin driving the plot. Not quite as bad as Chain Reaction (supposed physics professor, lecturing a first year class [duh! error 1] fails to grasp the distinction between chemical/molecular bonds and nuclear bonds — suggesting the obtainment of nuclear energy levels from the bonding of hydrogen to oxygen to make water. [duh! error so egregious as to suggest fool-killing for the entire writing/production staff… no doubt they’ve moved on to write for news dailies about AGW]
IgotBupkis, President, United Anarchist Society (c9dcd8) — 2/27/2011 @ 7:10 am