Tell Your Favorite Joke
It’s been a while since we had a joke-telling thread. I want the lurkers to de-lurk for this one. Tell us your favorite joke in the comments.
I don’t have a favorite, but here is one to get you started:
Two guys are playing golf. One is about to chip on to the green when he sees a funeral procession near the course. He stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head to pray. He stays there with his head bowed until the procession passes.
“Wow,” says his companion. “That was very touching. I have never seen that kind of respect from a golfer. Usually guys are too preoccupied with their golf game.”
Guy says, “Well, we were married for forty-seven years.”
UPDATE: They don’t have to be golf jokes. It’s just a coincidence that the one I picked was a golf joke.
A golfer dies and goes to heaven. He joins a foursome on one of the beautiful golf courses there. After awhile they come up on the foursome ahead of them. They’re all wearing long robes and have long hair and beards. One of them has managed to get himself into a very bad lie and is considering how to get out of it.
The guy walks up to one of the long-robed foursome and watches. After a moment he asks the man, “Is he really going to try to play out of that?” The robed man nods.
“Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?” the guy asks.
The other man looks at him. “He is Jesus Christ. He thinks He’s Jack Nicklaus.”
JT (d1a5fb) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:17 amAn elderly couple had dinner at another couple”s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it.”
The other man said, “What”s the name of the restaurant?”
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, “Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
His friend replies, “A Carnation?”
“No. No. The other one,” the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, “The Poppy?”
“No,” growls the man, “You know the one that is red and has thorns.”
His friend says, “Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, yes that”s it,” the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what”s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Dagwood (685f0a) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:22 amDagwood: Thread barely started and I’m calling you the winner!
Old Coot (a0cebb) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:33 amColonel and Mrs. Haiku were having dinner at restaurant and Colonel lean over and ask wife, “Do you remember first time we have sex together over fifty year ago? We went behind this tavern where you lean against back fence and I make love to you.”
“Yes, she say, “I remember it well.”
“Okay,” Colonel say, “How about we take stroll around there again and we can do it for old time sake?”
Mrs. Haiku say, “Oh, Colonel, you old devil you, that sound like crazy, but very good idea!”
A police officer sit in next booth listen to all this, and chuckle to himself. He think, “I’ve got to see these two old timers have the sex against fence. I’ll just keep eye on them so there no trouble.” So policeman follow Colonel and wife out.
Colonel and wife walk slowly and lean on each other for support. Finally, Colonel and missus get to back of tavern and make way to fence.
Wife lift her skirt and Colonel drop trousers. As wife lean against fence, Colonel move in.
Colonel and wife suddenly erupt into most furious sex we ever have and that watching policeman has ever seen. This go on for 10 minute. Finally, Colonel and wife both collapse panting on ground.
The policeman he amazed. He think he has learned something about life that he not know.
After about half hour of laying on ground recovering, Colonel and Mrs. Haiku struggle to feet and put clothes back on.
The Policeman, he still watching think, this was truly amazing and he ask Colonel and wife what secret is… policeman say, “Excuse me, but that something else. You must have fantastic sex life together all these years. Is there some secret to this?”
Colonel say, “Well, 50 year ago that fence not electric fence.”
ColonelHaiku (0e3ddd) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:34 amWhats the difference between an unbiased MSNBC Commentator and BigFoot?
Big foots been spotted
EricPWJohnson (472e73) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:36 amThe husband was not happy with the food his wife prepared. “How the hell can this food taste so turruhbal when you spend hour after hour watching that damn Food Network?” She calmly replies, “With all the porn you watch, what’s your excuse?”
Ed from SFV (adab2a) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:40 amColonel Haiku, was cringing while reading and burst out laughing at the end. Hilarious!
Dana (8ba2fb) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:42 amA Texas A & M freshman was going home for the weekend when he passed his neighbor’s rance. He say his neighbor in the pasture struggling with a cow and calf. So the Aggie drove over to the neighbor, got out of his truck and asked if he could help.
The neighbor told the young Aggie that he had to get the calf out, or both the cow and the calf would die. They worked for about a half hour, and bingo, out pops the calf.
After it was over, the Aggie was climbing back into his truck when the neighbor said “Son, thanks ever so much for your help. If there is anything I can do for you, just let me know.”
The Aggie scratched his head, thought for a minute, and said “Well, it way my pleasure to help you, sir, but there is one thing I would like to know.
Just how fast do you think that calf was going when it hit that cow in the ass?”
retire05 (63d9af) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:55 amThe possible metaphors available stemming from this story line are immeasurable.
Bill Maher (03e5c2) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:59 amFrom my seven year old:
Question: what part of alphabet soup is naked?
Answer: the noodle (pronounced “nude-ul.”
But it’s not as funny as an electric fence joke.
Simon Jester (8e1cb6) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:59 amA Texas cowboy at a fancy New York cocktail party asked a asks an attractive women if she would like to have dinner with him.
“No thank you. I’m a lesbian”.
“What’s a lesbian?”
“I like women.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I really really really like women.”
Later that evening someone ask the cowboy what he does.
“Well, for years and years I thought I was a cowboy, but tonight I found out I’m a lesbian.”
Noah (026d7f) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:02 amThe economy is doing well
Bill Maher (03e5c2) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:07 amWhat do men like best about oral sex?
10 minutes of silence.
Some chump (4c6c0c) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:08 amHarry Reid and Obama are on their way to a meeting in Harry’s car. They park on the street and get out and start on their way down the street when Obama says:
“Wait Harry, I left my notes back in the car!”
They walk back to the car and Harry sees that he left the keys in the car.
“Darn, I locked my keys in the car.”
Just then a fat raindrop hits Obama in the head.
“It’s going to rain, and you left the top down too!”
agesilaus (0f9105) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:17 amA Bartnder is surprised when a duck waddles across the floor of his bar and jumps upon a barstool in front of him.
dencouch (935f74) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:22 am“Well good morning duck, what’s your name”?
“My name is Huey!” replied the Duck.
How has your day been so far, Huey?” asked the Bartender.
The duck replies “Oh Great! I have been in & out of Puddles all morning long!”
The bar keep hears the door open, and in waddles another duck, who then jumps upon the empty barstool next to the first.
“Good morning duck, what’s your name”?
“My name is Duey!” replied the Duck.
How has your day been so far, Duey?” asked the Bartender.
The duck replies “Oh Great! I have been in & out of Puddles all morning long!”
No sooner had the formalities ceased, when into the bar enters another duck that takes its place on an empty barstool next to the others.
“let me guess, you must be Louie!” exclaimed the bartender.
“No silly!” replied the duck “My name is Puddles!
Did you hear about the Aggie whose wife had twins?
He purchased a gun and went looking for the other guy.
Barump-tish.
Felipe (02954a) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:40 amMy Grandfather was a (White) Methodist Minister in Colorado through the Depression. This was his favorite joke;
Big Tent Revival Meeting; Big stage, podium with a microphone, a band AND a harmonium. One big name Preacher and two lieutenants. They’ve got the crowd whipped into a frenzy; folks are rocking and swaying and bellowing hymns. The big name Preacher is practically speaking in tongues he’s so worked up.
Suddenly there’s a blinding flash of light, and the head Preacher is gone.
Well, that’s a bit of a shock, so it takes the two lieutenants a while to get things rolling again. But they do, and before too long the whole place is rocking again, and there’s another brilliant flash, and the head Preacher is back. He looks dazed and rumpled. and kind of wanders over to the podium and half-collapses onto it. His assistants rush to his side.
“What happened? What happened?”
“I was taken up bodily into Heaven.”
“Wow! Great! Did you see God?”
“Yes. I was taken into the Presence.”
“Wonderful! Did God speak to you?”
“Yes, God spoke to me. I have a message from God.”
“A message! That’s terrific! What is it?”
“Well, it’s a little complicated. To begin with She’s black.”
C. S. P. Schofield (71781e) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:41 amQ: How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?
A: Blow him.
BT (74cbec) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:54 amFour guys were playing golf one day when a thunderstorm came overhead. They made the classic mistake of getting under a big tree to avoid the rain and the next thing they knew, the tree was struck by lightning and they found themselves in front of St. Peter.
“Give me your names” St. Peter said. When they did and he looked at his list, St. Peter said “I don’t know why, but you guys aren’t on my list. Give me a minute and I’ll be right back.”
When he returned, St. Peter said, “Big mistake boys, you weren’t supposed to be under that tree. However, we can’t send you back as you were, since they have buried your bodies. But we’ll make it right. Tell how you want to go back and we’ll make it so.”
The golfers put their heads together for a while and finally said to St. Peter, “Can you send us back as lesbians?”
“Well sure, but why” St Peter replied.
“Well, we still want to chase women, but we want to play from the red tees.”
Bill Cook (782c04) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:00 amA salesman dies and is laid out at a funeral home. His sales manager is standing by the casket paying his respects when a friend of the deceased walks up to the casket and looks at his friend, shakes his head in disbelief and turns to the sales manager and says, George looks terrible, what did he have? And the sales manager says North & South Dakota, Western Nebraska.
BT (74cbec) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:01 amNicolas Sarkozy and Felipe Calderon found themselves on the corner of Hollywood and Vine, when a sudden gust of wind lifted the skirt of a passing nubile lass, revealing the wonder of the fairer sex, and prompting Nicolas to sigh “Ah, ce la vie”. To which Felipe enthusiastically responded “Yo tambien”!
Felipe (02954a) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:01 amAm loving these jokes and hope to see a lot more. No favorites but two from my great brother in law the bar manager:
Two blondes are walking down the street and they see a banana peel. “Oh no,” frets one. “Here we go again!”
1: Knock knock.
2: Who’s there?
3: Control freak — now you say “control freak who?”
Just for fun tho here’s a bit of improv (I think) from one of my favorite comedians: Brian Regan
no one you know (543e77) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:15 amA man is out golfing one afternoon and hits a tee shot deep into the trees. He makes his way through the brush and smaller trees and comes to a clearing where he sees a beautiful woman who his holding his golf ball.
“I’m the golf fairy,” she said, “and I will make you a deal. For one year, you will be the greatest golfer on earth, but you will have the worst sex life imaginable.”
The man agrees to the deal, and the fairy hands him his ball and disappears. The man went on to shoot his best round ever: his tee shots were straight and far, he never missed a green or landed in a bunker, and his putts were dead-on accurate.
For the next year, he was unbeatable. He entered and won local tournaments, some national amateur events, and even won a pro-am on the PGA tour.
Exactly one year later to the day, he was playing golf at the same course and hit his tee shot deep into the woods. Puzzled, because he hadn’t hit a shot that poorly in recent memory, he went looking for his ball, and indeed, chanced upon the golf fairy.
She asked him, “How was your golf game?”
“Oh, it was fantastic!” he exclaimed, and went on to relate all his success over the year and thanked her profusely for the gift.
“You’re welcome,” she said, “but how was your sex life?”
“Not bad,” said the man.
“Really?” she asked incredulously. “How many times did you get a woman in the past year?”
“Twice,” answered the man.
“Twice?! In a year? You call that not bad?”
“Well,” he said, “for a priest in a small town and no car, I’d say twice in a year is pretty darned good.”
Some chump (e84e27) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:29 amDNI Director Clapper
eaglewingz08 (83b841) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:30 amBarack Hussein Obama
Joe Biden
Harry Reid
Nancy Pelosi
Chrissy Matthews
One of my Scotish cousins had made a night of it and, before heading home, picked up a pint for the trip. He had barely left the village when a lorry came speeding down the road and he had to dive into the ditch. As he laid in the ditch, he felt something wet trickling down his leg. “God, I hope that’s blood.
Longwalker (996c34) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:32 amTwo gay guys are naked, sitting around the apartment one day, very bored. First guy says, “got an idea…let’s play hide-and-seek. You close your eyes, I hide, and if you find me you get to have your way with me.”
Second guy says, “what if I can’t find you?”
“I’ll be behind the couch.”
TimesDisliker (f6444b) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:42 amSo a foursome is playing a round of golf, and on the 13th hole, a guy hits a hole-in-one! When he pulls his ball out of the hole, there’s a billow of smoke, and a genie appears. “I am the Genie of the 13th hole, and for hitting a hole-in-one, I will grant you one wish!”
The guy doesn’t hesitate. “I want a really big penis!”
“Granted,” the genie bellows, and disappears. The guy doesn’t notice anything different right away, but as he sets up on the 14th tee, he starts to feel funny. And as he putts in, he notices that he really is getting bigger down there.
By the 15th hole, he’s gotten so long he’s poking out the bottom of his trouser leg, and by the end of the round, he’s dragging his penis around through the grass. He doesn’t know what to do, and his friends suggest that he go back to the 13th hole and try for another hole-in-one.
So that’s what he does, he sets himself up and hits drive after drive towards the tee. As the afternoon progresses, his penis becomes longer and longer, coiling up like a garden hose.
Finally, as the sun is about to set, he gets his second hole-in-one! He gathers himself up and limps down to the green. He pulls the ball out of the hole.
In a cloud of smoke, the genie appears. “I am the Genie of the 13th hole, and for hitting a hole-in-one, I will grant you one wish!”
“Thank God,” the guy says. “Please, give me longer legs!”
Pious Agnostic (f24095) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:44 amLars went looking for Ollie and found him sitting along out in the field looking depressed. “What’s wrong?” Asked Lars? Ollie says, “See that bridge over there? I built that bridge. See that road over there? I built that road. See that barn over there? I built that barn? But do you think they call me Ollie the bridge builder? Do you think they call me Ollie the road builder? You think they call me Ollie the barn builer?
kansas (1fc602) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:47 amLars says, “No Ollie, they don’t call you that.”
Ollie says, “But you fuck one pig.”
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar………..
What? It could happen!
Patrick (7811d2) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:50 amI guy with a big black eye meets some friends; one naturally has to ask how this had happened.
A.K. (f557d4) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:55 am“Well, I just said ´you´ to my wife,” he answers.
“But why did she hit ´you´?” asks his friend.
“Well, my wife said she hadn´t had sex in a long time and I answered: ´you´.”
It’s easy to tell a Democrat.
You put your hand in your pocket, and if someone already has him hand in there, it’s a Democrat.
ropelight (585fbb) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:57 amI met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
“I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!”
“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.
Jim_D (c6b345) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:01 pmA panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
RedHatRob (d42b40) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:01 pmAfter finishing the sandwich he pulls out a gun, shoots the piano player and heads for the door.
The bartender call out to him, “Hey, you can’t do that!”
The panda says, “sure I can. I’m a panda. Look it up.
Bartender pulls out a dictionary, shakes his head and says, “Son of a gun. ‘Panda: Eats shoots & leaves'”
Two cowboys, very hungry enter a diner. They order a soup for starters. The soup is so hot, that one blows on it to cool it off, but the other one lifts the bowl and slurps it completely down. When he was finished, the cowboy cut a loud fart and put the bowl down.
A.K. (f557d4) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:03 pm“What the hell was that?” the other cowboy asked his partner, who answered: “That was the last one, that saved hisself.”
After their car crash Dodi Fayed and Princess Di are waiting patiently at the gates of Heaven for Saint Peter to let them in.
Dodi happens to notice Henri Paul, their driver, strolling up to the gates behind them. Dodi goes nuts and starts pummeling and choking the cr*p out of Henri. Saint Peter intervenes and gets Dodi to stop and asks him why he was doing that.
Dodi say, I’m sorry Saint Peter but the man is a moron. I told him I wanted to f*ck Di in the tunnel, not f*cking die in the tunnel.
daleyrocks (479a30) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:04 pmA man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife who was looking at herself in the mirror. After all these years he was still crazy about her. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
“I’d just like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms. He had quite an adventure planned for her! He took her to Six Flags theme park. He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a large chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, along with buttered popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous day he had given her!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed absolutely exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile on this face and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened in realization…..
“I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!”
elissa (470245) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:05 pmThe Ukrainian comic “Yakov Smirnoff” used to tell American audiences what he said was the best Russian joke ever. He would begin by saying, “so two Party officials were riding bus other day…”
He paused, and a the audience waited, expectantly. Then —
“That’s it,” he shrugged; “that’s joke!”
Dafydd
Dafydd the 50% Wit (632d00) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:05 pmThe wife and I were at home watching TV.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said,
“For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You
daleyrocks (479a30) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:12 pmalready know how to fish!”
A guy dies and comes to the gates of Heaven. There are two gates: Gate 1 has a sign reading “All who had nothing to say – men only. ” Gate 2 reads “All who had something to say – men only.” Before Gate 1 hundreds of men have lined up. The guy goes to Gate 2, where he stands all alone.
Somebody in the long line calls him loud and asks why he is standing before Gate 2 ?
The man responds: “My wife told me to stand here and wait for her.”
Dodi happens to notice Henri Paul, their driver, strolling up to the gates behind them. Dodi goes nuts and starts pummeling and choking the cr*p out of Henri. Saint Peter intervenes and gets Dodi to stop and asks him why he was doing that.
Dodi say, I’m sorry Saint Peter but the man is a moron. I told him I wanted to f*ck Di in the tunnel, not f*cking die in the tunnel.
A.K. (f557d4) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:14 pmGolf jokes? I don’t play. Still…
Two fellows are playing a round and becoming increasingly annoyed by two women, one hole in front of them, who are playing re-e-e-e-ealy slow.
“Bob,” says one of the boys, “hike up there and tell those two broads to speed it up or let us play through.”
Bob gets halfway to the girls, then freezes in his tracks. Pulling his sweater up over his head, he slinks back.
“My God, Alf, I can’t confront those women — one is my mistress, and the other is my wife!”
Bob chuckles at his friend’s predicament, then heads off to tell them himself. But a few moments later, he’s back, his face red.
“Heh,” he says, “Small world, ain’t it?”
Dafydd
Dafydd the 45% Wit (632d00) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:16 pmUPDATE: They don’t have to be golf jokes. It’s just a coincidence that the one I picked was a golf joke.
Patterico (c218bd) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:25 pmHow many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
…
It’s a very obscure number; you’ve probably never heard of it.
h2u (0025d1) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:26 pmQuestion: What’s the definition of making love?
Christoph (8ec277) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:31 pmAnswer: It’s something your girlfriend does when you’re fucking her.
Why do you always invite two baptists to go fishing with you?
If you only invite one, he’ll drink all of your beer.
Matt (2f0965) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:38 pmSo, an Orthodox Jew walks into a bar, with a bright green parrot perched on his shoulder.
“Wow”, says the bartender. “He’s beautiful! Where did you get him?”
“Brooklyn!” says the parrot. “They’re all over the place!”
Mike (e351a4) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:44 pmOkay, a fellow is walking through the streets of Belfast late at night.
Suddenly, he feels a gun barrel in his back, and a thick Irish brogue hisses “Be ye Catholic or be ye Protestant?”
Since he didn’t know a thing about his assailant, the fellow thinks quickly and replies “Neither! I’m Jewish!”
A long pause, then the fellow hears the pistol being cocked. And the voice replies “Aye, and I am the luckiest Muslim in all of Eire.”
Simon Jester (c8876d) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:45 pmA mother and her teenage daughter are shopping one day.
The daughter, looking serious, asks her mother if you can get pregnant from anal sex.
The mother pauses and equally seriously answers, sure, where do you think lawyers come from.
daleyrocks (479a30) — 2/12/2011 @ 12:46 pmNigel has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see how he’s doing.
Mick asks, “how ya doin’?… Nigel says “okay, but do me a favor, mate… run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezin’.”
Mick goes upstairs and see’s Nigel’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters laying naked on the bed. Mick says, “your dad sent me upstairs to shag both of you”. The twins – almost in unison – say “prove it”… Mick shouts downstairs, “Nigel… both of ’em?”
Nigel shouts back, “of course both of ’em! what’s the point of f*ckin’ one?”
ColonelHaiku (0e3ddd) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:12 pmYou just reminded me of my favorite golf joke.
It’s mid-November 1992 and Bill Clinton, feeling magnanimous now that he’s won the election, invites George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan to golf with him in Hawaii, where it’s still nice and warm. Hawaii being Hawaii, though, the course has a LOT of water traps, so they agree to use special golf balls that can float; if someone hits into a water trap but can find a place to stand and play his ball, he doesn’t have to take a penalty stroke.
Reagan tees up first, and slices his very first drive way off to the right into the ocean. Rather than take a penalty stroke, though, Reagan picks up his club, walks across the surface of the water, and plays his ball. Bush then tees up and slices the ball to just about the same place Reagan did. And like Reagan, Bush walks across the surface of the water and plays his ball.
Clinton is so stunned by this that he flubs his tee off as well, hitting the ball to pretty much the same spot as Reagan and Bush. Not wanting to be shown up by the other two, Clinton tries to walk across the water’s surface, but he’s sinking below the surface well before he reaches his ball. Annoyed, he gives up and takes a penalty stroke to drop his ball on the shore.
Seeing this, Bush leans over to Reagan and says, “This doesn’t seem quite fair. Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?”
Reagan looks surprised and asks, “What stepping stones?”
Robin Munn (1bccbe) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:20 pmAn old DC-3 was making a hop between Denver and San Antonio. It was loaded with freight but had room for a few passengers who wanted to hitch a ride. An old Frenchman, an aging German, a sleepy Mexican, a posh Briton and a scruffy Texan were aboard.
The plane taxied out and took off. A sudden storm came up and soon the turbulence grew bad and the starboard engine began to sputter. The pilot radioed back to the passengers, ‘We gotta lose some weight or we’ll never make San Antonio.” So the men opened the door and began tossing out bundles and boxes to lighten the load. But the plane continued to lose altitude. The crew radioed back again, “Not enough! Toss out every loose item!’ So they grabbed seat cushions, fire extinguishers, boxed lunches and even the parachutes and tossed them out the door into the stormy oblivion.
But the old plane continued to lose altitude. “No good, we need to lose more weight,” radioed the pilots. Bravely, the Frenchman stood up, saluted and yelled “Vive la France!’ Then he jumped out of the plane, plummeting to his death. The plane continued to struggle and descend. “Not enough! Lose more weight,” came the cry from the cockpit. So, with a stiff upper lip, the Briton stood up straight, saluted smartly and yelled, “God save the Queen!” Then he too jumped out of the plane. but still the plane descended. “More! Lose more weight,” radioed the pilots. The old German stood, clicked his heels smartly, raised his right arm in salute, yelled “Sieg Heil, mein Fuhrer!” Then jumped out of the plane. Still the plane descended. “Lose a little more weight and we’ll make it,” radioed the pilots. Bravely, the Texan stood tall, hitched up his trousers and yelled, ‘Remember the Alamo!’ then picked up the Mexican and threw him out of the plane.
DCSCA (9d1bb3) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:38 pmA guy is cleaning a lamp and, as he is rubbing it, is surprised by a visit from a genie.
“I am the genie of the lamp,” he announces. “I have three wishes for you, but, I must warn you that everything you wish for will be given to your worst enemy — but doubled.”
The man thinks for a minute and says “Genie, I wish for ten million dollars.”
The genie smiles and suddenly, with a poof, there appears ten million dollars. The man looks at the genie, who nods and says “twenty million.”
The man thinks a little longer and says “Genie, I was for a huge mansion.”
There is a poof and the genie hands him a key while saying “He got two.”
The man thinks a while longer and says “Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”
Steve (522a96) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:42 pmA young guy starts as a bartender. His first day at the pub is a Saturday shift that starts in the late morning. Just before noon, a guy walks in and in a thick Irish brogue orders four pints of Guinness and four shots of Irish whiskey. At precisely noon, he faces to the east and solemnly drinks down all four rounds, alternating one shot with one pint. Once he is finished, he pays and leaves.
The same exact thing happens the next Saturday, so the rookie bartender asks the patron the significance of the ritual. “Well,” he relates, “I moved here from Ireland 50 years ago, and I have never had the opportunity to return. My three brothers are still in the old country, and every Saturday night when they go to the village pub, I come here at the same exact time and this way the four of drink together. Each one of us has four rounds, one for each brother.”
The bartender is charmed by this simple but touching ceremony, and every Saturday afternoon starts to look forward to the gentleman coming in. He gets to where he always has the shots and the pints ready so that the gentleman can start the ritual right on time. So one Saturday months later the gentleman walks in just as the bartender is starting to pour the fourth shot and announces, “Don’t bother with the fourth, boyo; I’ll only be drinking three rounds from now on.”
“Oh sir, I am so sorry to hear this. I can imagine it must be difficult losing a brother, even if you hadn’t seen each other for years.”
The gentleman looks at the bartender quizzically, and after a few moments realizes what the bartender is implying. “No, it’s not that,” he tells the bartender. “My brothers are all still alive. I’ve just quit drinking.”
JVW (1a2602) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:49 pmA man walks into his doctor’s office and gets ready for his exam. The doctor comes in and checks the man’s vitals and gives him a head to toe.
As the doctor is finishing up the man looks at him and says, “I know I haven’t lived the best life, give it to me straight doc, how long do I have?”
The doctor looks at him and says, “5.”
“5?” The man cries, “5 what? Years? Months? Days?”
The doctor looks at his watch and goes “4…”
UsnDoc (03ecb4) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:53 pmGovernor Jerry Brown
redc1c4 (fb8750) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:53 pmA young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in the Midwest. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
DRJ (fdd243) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:53 pmA baby seal walks into a club…
mojo (4e4a98) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:53 pmThat’s it, that’s the whole joke. You can laugh now.
mojo (4e4a98) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:54 pmA pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks quizzically at the pirate and asks, “is that a steering wheel on your crotch?”
The pirate replies, “Yarrr, it’s driving me nuts!”
Newtons.Bit (922da8) — 2/12/2011 @ 1:55 pmOne day a starving artist is surprised to see an elegant, rich woman enter his studio. “I want you to paint me in the nude,” she says. The artist shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry, it would be against my ethical principles.” The next day, the woman comes back. “I will pay you a million dollars,” she purrs. The starving artist struggles with his conscience, but manages to say “No” again. The next day she comes back. “Five million dollars, and that’s my last offer.” The artist has been starving more than usual, and he breaks down. “All right, all right! I’ll do it! But can I at least wear socks? I need somewhere to keep my brushes.”
bad cat robot (0f8672) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:06 pmHow many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.
Dwight Brown (04048d) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:09 pmMojo:
A harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The harp seal says, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”
Dwight Brown (04048d) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:11 pmTwo guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “Man, I wish I could do that.”
The other guy says, “Pet him, maybe he’ll let you.”
CraigC (0ccd0c) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:22 pmA stand-up comedian and part-time actor named Max Alexander often joked about his obesity. One of my favorite among his remarks went something like this:
“I’ve tried all kinds of diets. Nothing works. I tried the grapefruit diet once. The first morning I ate 27 grapefruit. All day long after that, every time I went to the bathroom I squirted myself in the eye.”
Dagwood (685f0a) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:25 pmRobin Munn @49:
Yeah, and the next day a NYT headline read “Reagan Can’t Swim”.
Dagwood (685f0a) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:28 pmHeard this one from Garrison Keillor.
Michael Ordonez (7bd533) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:34 pmHeard this one from Garrison Keillor. What do you get when you cross Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah’s Witness? Someone who goes door to door for no particular reason.
Michael Ordonez (7bd533) — 2/12/2011 @ 2:40 pmJudge: So Mr. Mouse, Is it true you want a divorce because your wife is insane?
Mickey: No you honor. I want to divorce the bithch because she is fucking Goofy.
gahrie (66f2c9) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:06 pmA woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me up.”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don’t swallow.
Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his stupor.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”
Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”
Scott Jacobs (d027b8) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:13 pmDid you hear about the dyslexic atheist with insomnia? Every night he stayed up late wondering if their is a dog.
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:14 pmDid you hear about the guy who posted jokes who couldn’t tell their from there?
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:15 pmIs there anyone who hasn’t heard about the doctor, the engineer, and the lawyer who argued over which profession was first mentioned in the Bible? I don’t want to repeat it yet again if ya’ll are tired of it…
or about the
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:19 pmHMOObamaCare official who died and asked to get into heaven?A regular guy was blindsided by a divorce after 15 years of marriage, his cheating wife and her ruthless attorney cleaned him out completely; she even took his dog. He was a broken man.
dr kill (06b97e) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:26 pmOne morning about three weeks after the divorce was final, our hero was reading the morning paper, and there on the second page, was an article about the tragic accidental death of the ruthless divorce attorney that had ruined his life.
So he called the attorney’s office immediately.
‘Is Mr. Rothstein in please?’
‘Oh sir’, said the secretary, beginning to sob, ” I have such terrible news. Mr. Rothstein was killed this weekend in a horrible accident.’
‘Really? What happened?’
‘Oh sir, he was up on a ladder adjusting one of the satellite dishes at his 10 bedroom mansion when he slipped and fell onto the eight foot high, cast- metal fence surrounding his forty acre estate. Four razor-sharp spikes stuck into his back and came out his chest, and he was stuck up on the top of the fence, screaming in agony, by the bloody spikes through his chest, flapping and kicking as he slowly bled to death in the most painful manner possible. The EMTs said they had never seen a worse death.’
‘Thank you,’ said our hero as he hung up the phone.
Next morning he called again, and the secretary told him the same thing.
He called every day that week. Finally the secretary asked him
‘Sir, every day for a week you have asked for Mr Rothstein, and every day I have told you about his horrible death. Is there someone else here that can help you?’
‘No,’ said the regular guy, ‘I just really enjoy hearing that story.’
A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he rushes home to their 12th story apartment one day in the middle of the afternoon. He finds his wife laying naked in their bed, and proceeds to search the entire house to find her lover. He searches the closets, the bathroom, and is about to give up when he sees someone hanging over the edge of the balcony. He walks over, and sees a naked man hanging on for dear life.
Instantly enraged, he starts to pound on the man’s fingers. The stranger loses his grip and falls to what he’s sure is his death. Amazingly he lands in a bush, and survives.
Seeing this, the husband becomes even more angry, runs to the kitchen, grabs the refrigerator, hauls it to the balcony, and throws it over the edge. Sadly, his aim is true, and it crushes the naked man. The exertion is too much for the husband, however, and he dies right there of a heart attack.
He arrives at the Pearly Gates, with two other men. Saint Peter asks each how they came to be there.
The first man, who is completely naked, says “Well, I was exercising in the nude on my balcony, when I slipped, and fell over the edge, but managed to grab the edge of the balcony on the floor beneath mine. I thought I was saved when a man started to pound on my fingers. I lost my grip and fell to what I was sure to be my death, but amazingly I landed in a bush and survived. I was thanking god for saving me twice, when I looked up and saw a refrigerator rushing down towards me. Next thing I know, I’m here.”
Saint Peter nods. “A terrible thing. You may enter Heaven.”
The husband says “I suspected my wife of cheating on me, so I rushed home. I found a naked man hiding over the edge of my balcony, so I pounded on his fingers until he fell. When he somehow survived the fall, I carried the refrigerator from the kitchen and threw it over the ledge, crushing and killing him. The strain was too much for me, and I had a massive heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”
Saint Peter nods again. “Terrible, just terrible. But, it was truly a crime of passion, and you are forgiven. You may enter Heaven.”
The third man says “Well, get this… There I was, hiding from my lover’s husband in this refrigerator…”
Scott Jacobs (d027b8) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:26 pmA burglar breaks into a dark house, as silent as he can be. As he starts to get his bearings, he hears a voice say, “Officer Jones has his eye on you!” He stops in his tracks and waits. After a few minutes of silence he takes another step and again hears, “Officer Jones has his eye on you!” Again he freezes. After a few minutes of silence he has decided what direction the sound was coming from and decides to risk shining his flashlight. He turns on his light and looks, and there is a parrot in a cage. He laughs to himself and says, “It’s just a stupid bird!” Just then the bird lets out a squawk and says, “Look out!! Here comes Officer Jones!!” As the fellow starts to laugh again he hears a growl as he sees a huge Rottweiler get up from sitting in a corner. The parrot cackles and says, “I told you Officer Jones had his eye on you!!”
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:31 pmSo about a year after the divorce, our hero was flying from Miami to Vegas. He found he was seated next to a gorgeous thirty-something babe. She was rockin’ the smokin-hot librarian thing. The lithesome row-mate was buried in paperwork, reading and writing. She ignored our hero until a bump in the flight rolled her pen into his lap.
dr kill (06b97e) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:47 pm‘Oh, I’m so sorry to bother you,’ said the babe.
‘I simply must finish this before we get to McCarran.’
‘I see that you are busy, why the hurry?’
‘Oh’, she said,’I’m presenting a paper at the annual meeting of the American Society of Anthropology tomorrow morning at the Luxor.’
‘How exciting for you,’ he said. “What is the subject of your paper?’
‘Oh, she said, ‘yes it is exciting. My area of research is penis size in the human males of the Western hemisphere, and my research has uncovered some simply amazing facts.’
‘Did you know that the ethnic group with the longest members, man-for-man, is the Native American?
‘Why no, I didn’t.’
‘And that the ethnic group with the members, man-for-man, with the widest diameter are American
Jews?’
‘No, said our hero, ‘I didn’t know that either.’
‘Oh,’ blushed the hottie, ‘here I am gushing about my dissertation and I haven’t even introduced myself. I’m Virginia Roberts.’
‘A pleasure to meet you, Virginia’, said our man. ‘My name is Geronimo Goldberg.’
Two women of high society were having tea together when the butler came in with a bunch of roses with an attached card. After reading the card, the hostess lamented, “Looks like I’ll be spending the night with my legs in the air”. “Why”? asked her guest, “Don’t you have a vase”?
Felipe (02954a) — 2/12/2011 @ 3:58 pmThe chief detective interogating Micky Mouse asked, “So, you claim you killed Minnie because you thought she was crazy”? Screaming, Micky responded “No, because she was Fucking Goofy”!
El Kabong (02954a) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:05 pmA woman is walking her little dog along a sidewalk when she notices the pup seems to be trembling and having labored breathing. She sees a man pull up to the curb and hurriedly get out of his Mercedes carrying a leather bag. She notices that his car has license plates identifying him as an MD.
“Excuse me sir,” she pleads. “I notice you are a doctor and I need your help!”
“If it’s a headache, take two aspirin and get a good night’s rest.” says the bored man who is used to this sort of imposition.
The woman says, “No, doctor—”
But he cuts her off and says, “If it’s flu, take two aspirin and eat hot chicken soup for a couple days.” He tries to move on.
“Sir, you don’t understand,” she wails. “It’s for my Schnauzer!!”
“Well in that case,” says the MD, “take two aspirin and don’t ride a bike for a week.”
elissa (470245) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:05 pm#73
That is the dumbest joke in the thread, hands down.
I don’t have a decent joke, but here’s some Mitch Hedberg, a seriously under-rated comedian who like many comedians, led a tortured life of depression and drug abuse and finally succumbed to those sicknesses at an early age. RIP.
Mitch Hedberg #1
Mitch #2
Like Steven Wright, the great delivery is half of his genius, the other half is his surreal and joyous sense of humor.
docweasel (3914b8) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:16 pmI’ll just tell the punch line…
And the Boy Scout replied, “That’s OK Holy Father, Jesse took my backpack.”
Squibob (f23a0f) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:18 pmOut of the West came Mighty Mick
Tom Heinrich (281d58) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:18 pmThe only man in the world with a corkscrew prick
He searched this world from pole to pole
To find the girl with a matching hole
He found her at last, but bugger me dead
Silly bitch was left hand thread
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!!
kaf (982cf2) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:29 pmelissa @ 4:05 — I heard a slightly different variation of that joke:
A woman liked to show her dog in AKC competitions. Her dog was very well-behaved and poised, but it had this huge problem with matted fur which made it look odd, and thus never finished among the top entries. Finally, in desperation, the woman asked one of her competitors if she could give her any advice of how to handle the dog’s fur problem.
“My dog had this problem, so I’ll let you in on a secret,” the other trainer told her. “You just need to get some heavy-duty hair removal cream and use it on the dog. When it grows back you can use a conditioner to make sure it comes in soft and manageable.”
The first woman thanked her competitor and headed out to a nearby pharmacy. After finding a selecting the recommended hair removal product, she took it up to the register where the pharmacist was ringing up customers. The pharmacist took a look at her purchase and addressed her:
“If you are using this on your face then you will want to make sure that you have a cotton washcloth.”
“Oh, no,” the woman interrupted, “it’s not for my face.”
“Well then, are you using it on your arms or legs?”
“No sir,” she replied, “it’s for my schnauzer.”
After a slight pause, the pharmacist said, “I see. In that case, you won’t want to ride a bicycle for a few weeks.”
JVW (1a2602) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:31 pmIs there anyone who hasn’t heard about the doctor, the engineer, and the lawyer who argued over which profession was first mentioned in the Bible? I don’t want to repeat it yet again if ya’ll are tired of it…
or about the HMO ObamaCare official who died and asked to get into heaven?
Comment by MD in Philly — 2/12/2011 @ 3:19 pm
Would love to hear both – esp # 2 – CW 🙂
no one you know (543e77) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:44 pmA Pollock (Belgian, Gallego – pick ethnicity reputed as dimwitted) wakes up in the morning and sees it’s snowing like mad outside. He gets in his car to drive to work in the blinding snow on the slippery roads.
When he gets to the highway, he accidentally takes the off ramp mistaking it for the on ramp and heads to town going in the wrong direction. As he drives down the highway, he swerves left and right to avoid the dozens of cars loudly honking their horns coming from the opposite direction. He turns on the radio to listen to the morning news and the newscaster says, “Attention all motorists on the main city highway, an insane driver is currently headed in the wrong direction in one of the lanes, posing a grave danger to all motorists in that lane.”
Upon hearing this, the Pollock (Belgian, Gallego, etc.) says to himself, “What do you mean one driver? There are hundreds of them!”
Gabriel Gonzalez (c4a37e) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:47 pmAm enjoying this whole thread immensely in between laundry loads, but must admit # 75 (3:58) made me LOL .
no one you know (543e77) — 2/12/2011 @ 4:50 pmA man and his wife in Chicago were sound asleep in bed one night and at 2:30am the phone rings. The husband picks it up and a few seconds later screams into the phone “how the hell should I know, its a thousand miles away!”. He slams down the phone and his wife asks who was on the line and what that was all about. He said: “I don’t know, it was some asshole asking if the coast was clear”.
NU Wildcat (356d1d) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:03 pmOld man Murphy worked at the brewery for 25 years. One day, he wasn’t paying attention, tripped, fell into the vat of beer and drowned.
The foreman thought he would go inform Mrs. Murphy of her husband’s death. He knocked on the door, and said “I’m sorry to tell you, but old man Murphy fell into the vat and drowned today.”
She wept, and between sobs said “Tell me, did he suffer?”
“I don’t think so,” said the foreman, “he got up 3 times to go to the bathroom.”
fiestamom (baef01) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:03 pmA filthy rich Florida man decide he want to throw party and invite all his buddies and neighbors.
He also invite Colonel. He hold party around the pool in backyard of mansion.
Colonel have good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all Florida women.
At height of party, host say, “I have 10 foot
man-eating alligator in pool and I give million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”
The words barely out of his mouth when there was loud splash. Everyone turn around and see Colonel in pool!
Colonel fight the gator and kick its ass! Colonel jab it in eyes with thumbs, throw punches, head butts and choke holds, bite gator on the tail (taste like pencil eraser) and flip it through air using martial art skills.
The water churn and splash everywhere! Both Colonel and the gator scream and raise hell.
Finally Colonel strangle gator and let it float to top like dime-store goldfish.
Colonel climb out of pool. Everybody just stare at Colonel like not believe what they see.
Then host say, “Well, Colonel, I reckon I owe you million dollars.”
Colonel say, “No, that okay I not want it,”
Rich man say, “Man, I have to give you something. You won bet. How about half a million dollars then?”
Colonel again say, “No thanks, I not want it.”
Then host say, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That amazing. How about new Porsche, Rolex and some stock options?”
Colonel again say “No”.
Confused, the rich man ask, “Well, Colonel, then what do you want?”
Colonel say, “I want name of sumbitch who push me in pool!”
ColonelHaiku (fc2fb5) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:06 pmJames Clapper got called to the Oval Office and Obama starts chewing his ass out for saying nice things about the Muslim Brotherhood. “But Mr. President, you said you were “down with them” explained Clapper. “No, you idiot” scowled Obama, “I was talking about my slum-brothers from the hood.”
j curtis (b60a52) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:08 pmTwo blondes walk into a bar.
The brunette ducked.
malclave (8e9666) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:11 pmQ: How did four Mexicans freeze to death at the drive In?
A: They went to see Closed For The Season.
BT (74cbec) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:32 pmThe wife asks the husband if he would like a nice breakfast fixed.
He says, No, ever since I started taking Viagra, my appetite is poor. Thanks anyway.”
A while later, she asks him if he would like her to fix him a lunch.
He says, “No thanks, that Viagra has really affected my appetite.”
Later in the day, she asks if he would like a nice dinner since he hadn’t eaten all day.
He says, “No thanks. I’m still not hungry”
She says, “Well I’m starving ! Get the f**k off of me !”
Mike K (8f3f19) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:32 pmSupplies
Views: 1,796
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An Englishman a Frenchman and a Chinese guy apply for coal mining job. The head miner tells them they’re all in luck cause he happens to need 3 guys.
The Englishman is put in charge of laying down the cart rails, the Frenchman is put in charge of the TNT, and the Chinese guy is put in charge of the supplies. The head miner tells them all to be back tomorrow at 7am.
The next day, the Englishman and Frenchman arrive, but the Chinese guy is nowhere to be found. The head miner figures he isn’t going to show up and decides to put the other 2 to work. As they all head into the coal mine, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a rock and shouts “Supplies!
Diffus (dfc19b) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:40 pmA doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer one day got into a discussion concerning which of their professions was first mentioned in the Bible while waiting to tee off. The doctor was quick to say, “Well, obviously it’s medicine. If creating life wasn’t like medicine, taking a rib out of Adam to make woman was surgery, an operation!” Eager to put the doc in his place, the engineer rebutted, “But that wasn’t until after the Heavens and the Earth were made out of the chaos, making things- that’s engineering!” The lawyer, almost (but not quite) tired of always having the last laugh, smiled and looked his engineer friend in the eye and said, “But where do you think the chaos came from?”
One day an ObamaCare bureaucrat died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked his name and occupation, and upon hearing the answer said, “Excuse me just a minute please”, and pointed to a bench for him to sit down. As he waited, he saw numerous other folk go up to the gate, talk to St. Peter, then either smiled and walked in or frowned and disappeared. After a few eons of waiting, being joined by quite of few of his coworkers, he stood to inquire of St. Peter again. In fact, this happened over and over, always being told to wait, sit down, be patient, and “quit bothering me” (St. Peter). Finally St. Peter called them all forward and said, “Well, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that we have a spot for each of you.” “What’s the bad news?” one asked, trembling. You’re still going to have to wait longer, and you’ve each been approved for only 2 days.”
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:40 pmHow do you catch a polar bear?
First you cut a hole in the ice.
Second, you put a bunch of peas around the hole.
Then when the polar bear stops to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.
Diffus (dfc19b) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:42 pmAcouple of fellows were playing golf and caught up with the pair playing ahead of them. They were on the ground and one was vigorously sodomizing the other. They complained that this was no place for that kind of behavior.The man on top replyed that the other fellow had a heart attack and stopped breathing. they advised him that for that he was supposed to give him mouth to mouth . He replyed thar was how the whole thing got started.
dunce (b89258) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:43 pmThis one is true story. A teenage boy in high school in small town had a part time job in grocery. A woman checking out told the cashier that she forgot to pick up some tampax and asked if someone could bring her a box. The cashier called on the public address system . The young boy came to the counter a bit confused because he heard thumbtacks and asked if she wanted the kind that you pounded in with a hammer or the kind you just pushed in with yopur thumb
dunce (b89258) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:54 pmTwo peanuts ver walking down ze strassa,
mike d (83078c) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:55 pmund one of zem vus assaulted…peanut.
A box boy was carrying a woman’s groceries to the parking lot. She took a look at him and said, “I have an itchy pussy.”
He says, “Ma’am, you’ll just have to show me, Those Japanese cars all look alike to me.”
Mike K (8f3f19) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:57 pmA backwoods man took his young son out deer hunting one day. They came to a tree stump, and the man said to his son, “You go sit on that stump over there, and don’t move a muscle unless it’s to shoot a deer.”
“I swear, pa, I won’t.”
“I mean business, son. I don’t want you scaring the deer away.”
So the father trudged off and after about 45 minutes he heard two rifle shots. The man, thinking his son had bagged a deer, raced back to the stump. But when he got there, he didn’t see a deer, just two scrawny squirrels and his son shaking in terror.
“What in tarnation did you do? I told you not to move unless you were going to shoot a deer.”
“But pa,” the boy exclaimed, “I did what you told me. I was still as can be. When the hornet came and stung me in the back, I didn’t move. When the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on my shins, I didn’t blink an eye. When the skunk sniffed my feet, backed up and skunked me, I didn’t even let out my breath. But when those two squirrels ran up my pants, one up the left leg and one up the right, and I heard one say, ‘Let’s eat one now and save the other one till later,’ I couldn’t take it any more!”
Some chump (e84e27) — 2/12/2011 @ 5:57 pmA woman is at her doctor’s office for an examination, and the doctor says, “Well, you seem to be in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees. Do you have any idea what caused that?”
The woman blushed and said, “It was from making love doggy-style, doctor.”
The doctor said, “But surely you most know other positions?”
The woman replied, “Well, I do, doctor, but my doberman doesn’t.”
Some chump (e84e27) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:00 pmAnother true one,my sister had one her younger daughters ask her whats a barette. She told her it was a clasp that weman used to hold their hair in place, and asked why she wanted to know. She replyed that she was at her girl friends house and her parents were argueing and her mother said “kiss my ass” and he said “bare it”.
dunce (b89258) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:01 pmWhat’s the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 1503 people went down on the Titanic.
What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch…
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:02 pmJohn Kerry walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and asks – “why the long face?“
carlitos (180217) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:09 pmA combination of Joke #55 and Joke #89:
Gabriel Gonzalez (c4a37e) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:13 pmA rich Floridian decides to throw a party and invite all his buddies, including Colonel.
Everyone is having a great time around rich man’s Olympic size pool in back yard between the palm trees and everyone eating prawns, drinking, dancing, and flirting with the attractive blondes specially brought in for the party.
In the pool is a giant alligator swimming back and forth and lunging to the surface from time to time to snap at the morsel of prawn the guests toss its way from time to time.
Just after dinner, Colonel tell guests it’s time for show and he will impress them with his heroic feats. First, he jump into pool with alligator and alligator attack him and try to eat him. But Colonel very brave, wrestle with alligator, subdue it and get out of pool unharmed. The guests are indeed impressed and ooh and aah in amazement.
“Now, I show you something more impressive”, say the Colonel. He reach into pool, grab alligator, pull downs his pants and sticks his balls between the jaws of alligator. He hold alligator for what seems like a minute, and then try to pull alligator off his balls. But alligator won’t let go and his balls are stuck between its jaws. So, he hit alligator on head, but it still won’t let go. He hit it again and again, but still won’t let go. Finally, beginning to panic, he pound alligator on head with both fists at the time and finally it let go and fall back into the pool. Great relieved, he listen to wild applause and cheering from crowd, which is greatly impressed.
Triumphant, Colonel say to crowd, “Now, I defy any one of you to do the same.” He look around. Dead silence. No one in crowd come forth. Finally, one of the blondes from the back of the crowd raises her hand and says, “Ok, I’ll do it, but I don’t want anyone to hit me on the head.”
Q : how do you castrate Obama?
A : Kick Olbergasm in the jaw.
JD (d4bbf1) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:26 pmwhat do u get when you eat all da potatoes?
happyfeet (ab5779) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:35 pmA priest, a preacher, and a rabbi go into a tavern. The bartender looks at them and says “What? Is this some kind of joke?
the friendly grizzly (2f59a6) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:50 pmBlond goes to buy a movie DVD at WalMart. But she already owned the only disc they had in stock: “Security Device Enclosed”.
the friendly grizzly (2f59a6) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:55 pmSo the board of the Acme Corporation decided that it needed a new CEO and the Chairman of the Board was delegated the task of interviewing the three finalists.
The first was an engineer and the Chairman asked him one question: What is Two plus Two?
The engineer whipped out his slide rule, fiddled with it a bit, scribbled on the back of a blank envelope and said: “It is about four.” The Chairman thanked him.
The next interviewee was a physicist and the Chairman again asked: What is Two plus Two?
The physicist slammed a couple of high velocity protons together, photographed the trails in the cloud chamber and pronounced: “It is between 3.999999 and 4.000001.” the Chairman thanked him.
The last interviewee was a lawyer. The Chairman asked him: What is Two plus Two?
The lawyer pulled the drapes on the office, checked behind the door … looked under the phones for bugs and replied: “What do you want it to be?”
SPQR (26be8b) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:56 pmTwo dyslexics walked into a bra…
the friendly grizzly (2f59a6) — 2/12/2011 @ 6:59 pmQ: what is a Polar bear?
A: a Cartesian bear with different coordinates
the friendly grizzly (2f59a6) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:04 pmWTF
SPQR (26be8b) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:13 pmA skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a pitcher of beer and a mop.”
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:14 pmA skeleton is sitting at the bar when another skeleton walks in. “Hey, lemme buy you a beer!” says the first skeleton.
“No thanks,” says the second skeleton. “That stuff goes right through me!”
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:17 pmA group of college students were taking a class on consumer surveys. Their final exam was to design and execute a survey, and do so somewhere around the world.
So they designed a question: “Excuse me, what’s your opinion about the meat shortage?”
First they went to America. They stopped someone on the street and asked the question: “Excuse me, what’s your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The person answered: “Shortage? What’s a shortage? Never heard of it!”
A bit discouraged, they decided to fly to the Soviet Union (this is a bit dated, substitute Cuba or North Korea today) and asked the same question:
“Excuse me, what’s your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The person answered: “Opinion? What’s an opinion? Never heard of it!”
More discouraged, they decided to fly to the Sudan (or whatever other starving African country) and asked the same question:
“Excuse me, what’s your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The person answered: “Meat? What’s meat? Never heard of it!”
Exasperated but not wanting to give up, they finally decided to fly to Israel and asked the same question:
“Excuse me, what’s your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The person answered: “Excuse me? What’s excuse me? Never heard of it!”
Bored Lawyer (5f203c) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:21 pmAll right, in response to #95:
3 engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God was. The first says “It’s obvious that God was an electrical engineer. Just look at the human nervous system – only an electrical engineer would design something so complicated.”
The second one says “No, no, it’s obvious that God was a mechanical engineer. Only a mechanical engineer would design a human body that had so many different kinds of joints.”
The third one says “You’re both wrong – God had to be a civil engineer. Only a civil engineer would put a toxic waste pipeline smack dab in the middle of a recreational area!”
MrJimm (c6d03f) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:23 pmA guy working at a gerkhin factory goes to his priest for confession and tells him he has been having terrible thoughts at work. “Father,” he says, “I have this terrible compulsion to stick my penis in the pickle slicer.” The priest is taken aback and counsels him to resist such thoughts and if he has any more problems come see him.
Have Blue (854a6e) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:44 pmSeveral weeks later, after not seeing him at mass for awhile, the priest runs into his parishioner on the street and asks him how everything is going. The man says, “Well one day the pressure just got to be too bad and I went ahead and stuck my penis in the pickle slicer.” The priest is shocked and asks, “What happened?”
The parishioner replies, “Oh, I got fired.”
The priest says, “No not that, with the pickle slicer!”
The man replies, “Oh, she got fired too.”
112.Two dyslexics walked into a bra…
Comment by the friendly grizzly —
I liked that, short and clever.
Comment by MrJimm — 2/12/2011
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:49 pmThat’s funny, for those used to making fun of engineers. I’ll have to pass it on to my old friend the civil engineer (though we usually said there was no such thing as a “civil” engineer).
I am offended by the Aggie jokes and I will never post here again, right after this:
An Aggie walks onto a pharmacy and asks for a box of condoms. The clerk says: “that’ll be $5.25 with tax.”
The Aggie blinks and says, “Tacks? I thought you just rolled them on.”
Ag80 (7a9f97) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:51 pmNIH announced a new policy on animal testing. From now on, trial lawyers will be used in place of lab rats.
When asked for an explanation, the Director of NIH said, well there are three reasons for the change:
1. Some of our lab assistants were squeamish about the procedures they had to perform on the rats.
Basilisk (622275) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:56 pm2. PETA has agreed to stop demonstrating if we make this change.
3. There are some things that lab rats just won’t do.
An Aggie and a T-sip are taking a leak in a Kyle Field men’s room.
After finishing, the T-sip walks over to the sink and cleans up.
“At the University of Texas, they teach us to wash our hands after urinating.”
The Aggie zips up his pants and walks to the door.
“At A&M they teach us not to piss on our hands.”
Ag80 (7a9f97) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:58 pmHow come women are so bad at telling distances?
because men keep telling them that
is eight inches long.
max (2f2a28) — 2/12/2011 @ 7:58 pmA beautiful blond was driving her Ferrari late at night in California.
All of a sudden she hears a siren and flashing lights.
As the police officer gets out of the squad car and approaches the woman, he starts unzipping his fly.
Oh, no, says the blond, not another breathalyzer test!
eaglewingz08 (83b841) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:01 pmBuddy Hackett used to tell this story, so it is best to imagine it in his voice doing a Yiddish accent:
Two old Jews from Brooklyn, Jacob and Moise, are fishing at their favorite lake in the Catskills, in a little rowboat.
Jacob says, “Moise, I’m needing some dental work, and Sadie Katz recommends I should go to Goldstoff in Canarsie. You know from Goldstoff the dentist? Is he any good?”
Moise says, “Oh yeah, I know from Goldstoff. In fact, 14 years ago, he made for me ein bridge!”
Jacob says, “So, Goldstoff is a good dentist?”
Moise says, “A story I’ll tell you, and you can judge for yourself.”
“A few weeks ago, I was fishing by mine self on this very lake, in this very rowboat. And I’m hooking a big fish, and I’m having to get the fish into mine net.
“So, I’m leaning over the side of the boat with the net, but I’m wearing the short pants, and unbeknownst to me, mine testicule is hanging out the leg of mine short pants.
“And also unbeknownst to me, while I’m leaning over, mine testicule nestles into the oarlock of the boat! And when I’m standing up to get the fish into the boat, the oarlock gives mine testicule such a tug!
“And in 14 years, that’s the first time I’m not thinking about that God damn bridge!”
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:05 pmAt halftime of an Illinois vs IU basketball game, an Illini fan goes into the head, and take a piss between 2 toothless IU fans (I know, redundant). When the Illini fan is done, he tucks his mammoth Johnson back into his shoe, zips his pants up, and turns to leave. Cletus the IU fan turns, spits a Beech Nut loogie, and says, “I guess they don’t teach you Illini fans to wash your hands afte you take a leak. The Illini fan said, “Nope. They teach us not to piss on our hands”.
JD (d4bbf1) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:06 pmA young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”
She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”
eaglewingz08 (83b841) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:07 pmDammit, Ag.
JD (d4bbf1) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:07 pmWhat do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a submarine?
You can’t cross a mountain climber with a submarine, a mountain climber is a scalar.
What’s the line integral of Western Europe?
You can’t take the line integral of Western Europe, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
Some chump (e84e27) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:10 pmJD–That’s OK. Some of us find it easier to relate to the Illini/Indiana joke.
elissa (470245) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:11 pmHeaven and Hell are separated by a fence.
St. Peter and Satan used to have terrible arguments about whose responsibility it was to keep the fence in good repair. They’d argue and argue, and nothing ever got done.
One day, St. Peter got so frustrated that he said, “Listen, Satan. If you don’t fix that fence, I’m gonna sue you!”
“Go ahead and sue,” Satan sneered. “Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?”
gwjd (032bef) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:14 pmdoc_benway at 126 – Buddy Hacket joke from his stage act.
My mother, such a cook. I didn’t know what heartburn was till I joined the Army and my fire went out.
Have Blue (854a6e) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:18 pm3 Engineers were debating the nature of God, a Electrical engineer, a Mechanical Engineer, and a Civil Engineer.
The Electrical engineer goes first, and says, God must have been an Electrical engineer. Look at the human brain. All the synapses controlling the functions of the body with electrical impulses. How could God be any other kind of Engineer?
The Mechanical engineer disputes the others statement. God must have been an Mechanical engineer. Look at how the human body works with joints, sinew and tendon, bones and muscles. God is a Mechanical engineer.
The Civil engineer then says, You’re both wrong. God is a Civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line through a recreational area?
rudytbone (68d983) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:21 pmSome chump at 30
What do you get if you cross an elephant with grape? Elephant grape sin theta.
Have Blue (854a6e) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:21 pmThere’s three kinds of mathematicians: Those who can count, and those that can’t.
————
There’s 10 kinds of mathematicians: Those that know binary numbers, and those that don’t.
Bob (afab3f) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:25 pmYou can always tell a Harvard man. But you can’t tell him much…
Bob Reed (5f2db5) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:26 pm@Some Chump (#130):
Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?
Because it’s in the ground state.
____________________________________________
Two atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly, one atom stops, and with an expression of panic starts looking around on the sidewalk.
The second atom asks, “What’s wrong?”
The first atom exclaims, “Omigod, I’ve lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!”
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:28 pmA bakery store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “I suppose that yours is raisin, too?”
“No,” croaks the old man, “but it’s a twitching a mite.”
Dagwood (685f0a) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:28 pmComment by MD in Philly — 2/12/2011 @ 5:40 pm
Thx for obliging – esp loved the Obamacare in Heaven one. Now if I can just get up the guts to share that at work (a church) w/ the (mostly liberal) staff. Thaaat shouldgovoverrealwell.
no one you know (543e77) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:32 pmA priest and a rabbi were having their weekly lunch together. The priest said, “We’ve known each other a long time. May I ask you a personal question?”
“Of course,” replied the rabbi.
“Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes I have. When I was young, I would sometimes be invited to a sleepover at the home of a non-observing family, and once in a while we were given bacon or sausage for breakfast.
“So let me ask you now, Father, have you ever had sex?”
The priest shifted uncomfortably in his chair, and finally replied, “Yes, I have to confess, though I’m certainly not proud about it, that I did sow some wild oats on weekends in the backseat of my first car, when I was a teenager.”
The rabbi ribbed the priest in the ribs gently and said, “Sure beats the hell out of pork, doesn’t it?”
Dagwood (685f0a) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:37 pm@ Have Blue (#133)
Then, of course, there is the Duck Joke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnBIUUBd1s&feature=related
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:41 pmA young man goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
“Hmmmm,” he wonders, “How am I gonna get more dough?”
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says.
“How do I get him in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this -they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives on Mercer Street?’
The father says, “Oh, s***; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a b****!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
eaglewingz08 (83b841) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:43 pmThe room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” answered the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
paul mitchell (d34e29) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:48 pmI’ll go and ask if we can go through,” said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
“Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going. That’s my wife up ahead and she’s playing with my mistress.”
Jerry returned having got no further forward than Max.
“I say,” he said, “what a coincidence.”
Mitch (e40959) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:49 pmThe Lone Ranger and Tonto have set up camp out in the wilderness, and Tonto is about to turn in for the night when he hears the Lone Ranger talking to someone.
Tonto quietly creeps up and sees that the Lone Ranger is talking to his horse, Silver:
“… and that time you outran those rustlers was just great. Now, although I think you could work a little more on untying knots with your teeth, all in all your performance has just been outstanding, so… ”
“Kemosabe,” Tonto interrupts, “Tonto say Silver need feedbag!”
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 8:56 pmSo this guy is out golfing with his pastor. It’s a close match. On the ninth hole, the guy needs to sink a six-inch putt. He lines it up carefully, he putts — and misses.
The guy says, “G*d d*mn it, I missed!”
The pastor is alarmed by this profanity. “Please, please,” he begs, “don’t say such things, or the Lord will send down a bolt of lightning to strike you dead.” The guy apologizes and they play on.
Several holes later, it’s still close. The guy has a three-inch putt to make. He putts and. . . misses again. He says, “G*d d*mn it, missed again !”
The pastor is even more upset. “Please, please! You mustn’t say such things! I’m telling you , the Lord will send down a bolt of lightning to strike you dead!” Again the guy apologizes and the match continues.
It’s neck-and-neck at the 18th hole. The guy is on the green, an inch from the hole. If he sinks the putt, he wins. He lines it up carefully, he putts — and he shanks it.
Now he loses his temper. He throws the putter down, stamps his foot and yells, “G*D D*MN IT, MISSED AGAIN!”
Suddenly the sky is filled with black storm clouds. It’s so dark they can’t even see. The darkness is split by a tremendous flash of lightning! A cloud of black smoke rises from where the lightning hits.
The smoke clears. The clouds disappear.
The guy is standing there on the green.
His pastor is lying there, dead.
And a Voice from the heavens booms:
“G*d d*mn it, missed again!”
gwjd (032bef) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:06 pmJesus and Saint Peter are out on the links for a quick round of golf.
St. Peter tees off first, and hits a beauty, 215 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
Jesus tees up, and shanks his drive off into the weeds. Just then, a rabbit emerges from the high rough with the ball in his mouth, and heads straight for the green.
As the rabbit gets within 50 yards of the green he suddenly darts toward the rough again. But just before he disappears, an eagle swoops down and grabs the rabbit, with the ball still in his mouth, and heads straight for the pin.
As the eagle passes high above the green, massive thunderheads suddenly appear, and a stroke of lightning hits the eagle and the rabbit, killing them both.
The rabbit falls to the green, two feet from the pin, his jaws pop open from the impact, and the ball rolls to within inches of the cup.
Just as it comes to rest, a minor earthquake occurs, and the ball vibrates slowly toward the cup, rings the lip, and drops in.
As Jesus is carding a “1” St. Peter asks, “So, are you gonna play golf, or just f**k around?”
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:24 pmA young priest at a parish discovered that his bicycle was missing, and was livid at the thought that someone would steal it. The pastor, an older priest, said, “Your sermon this Sunday is on the Ten Commandments. Why don’t you emphasize Thou Shalt Not Steal, and perhaps the guilty party will get an attack of conscience?”
The young priest thought it was a good idea, and come Sunday proceeded to give his sermon on the commandments. Afterwards, the pastor approached him and said, “I thought you were going to emphasize Thou Shalt Not Steal, but you didn’t. Don’t you want your bicycle back?”
The young priest replied, “It’s all right, father. When I got to the one about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it.”
Some chump (e84e27) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:25 pmA doctor, a priest and an engineer went out to play a round of golf together. They found themselves behind the slowest foursome in history. As their game dragged on behind the foursome, they asked a marshal what was the problem.
The marshal told them that this was the day for the blind golfer round and that there were four blind golfers in front of them.
The doctor was so pleased that the blind were out in the fresh air taking part in physical activity, so he said so.
The priest was thrilled that the golf community had embraced the afflicted and provided an opportunity to reconnect.
The engineer looked frustrated and said; “why can’t they just play at night?”
iconoclast (e87209) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:28 pmCrap, I duplicated.
rudytbone (68d983) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:29 pmA farmer was summoned to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could convict someone based on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, “No sir, there is no way in hell that I could do that!!” The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his reply. The farmer stated that he had once been the victim of circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain. “Well sir,” the farmer began, “I was out in the barn milking ole’ Bessie one hot summer day, and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down and starting milking her again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor as well. She then proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both of them to the floor…Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and was in the process of tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and boots, when my wife walked into the barn!!
No Sir!! I do not believe in circumstantial evidence!”
Jim_D (c6b345) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:37 pmThree blondes are walking through the woods and come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says “Those are moose tracks”. The second blonde says ” You’re wrong, they’re elk tracks.” The third blonde speaks up and says “You’re both wrong, they’re deer tracks.” While all three are arguing, the train hits them.
Mishka (c722c4) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:38 pmThree salesman were on a flight to Vegas when their plane crashes and they found themselves waiting in line for St Peter
When it was their turn he addressed all of them and informed them they had a new policy that the road to heaven was extremely long and how faithful they were to their wife – that was the mode of transportation they would get.
Well the middle aged guy went first – he said he kissed his sister in-law at the reception but after tht never looked and never strayed – St Peter looked at him and yelled “Bicycle!
Then the old man of the three went up and said I thought about kissing my sister in law but a drove those thoughts from my mind – st peter looks at him and says – “Limo”
And then the young guy was breaking into a sweat, said he slept with his isiter in law but he told his wife asked for forgiveness and went to counseling – St Peter looks at him andhands him a three wheeled skateboard with a big crack down the middle
two weeks later the young guy is still trying to ride a three wheeled skateboard when he comes across the old guy crying beside the limo and the driver cannot get him to get back into the car
Well, being a young aggressive saleman – the skateboarder was thinking – cheer him, get him into the limo, GET A RIDE!
So he says “whats up old man, why the tears”
The Old man quit wailing for a second and replied:
“I just passed my wife hitch hiking”
EricPWJohnson (472e73) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:43 pmJohnny had become such a handful as a pre-teen, that his Father decided a change must be made so he quit his job, sold the house and moved the family to a farm in Oregon.
It was a real farm with a barn, a tractor, three cows and a bull.
The Father was in the barning looking over his tractor when Johnny rushed inside “Dad, Dad… the bull is F**kin’ the white cow!”
“Now listen Johnny, the town Priest is coming by any time now to extend his welcome, and I don’t want him to get a bad first impression, so watch your language!”
Johnny hung his head, turned around, and left the barn to go and watch the animals.
A few minutes passed, and Johnny runs back into the barn yelling “Dad, Dad, Now the bull is f**cking the the Brown cow!”
Noticing the Priest driving up to the barn, the Father grabs Johnny by the shoulder and says “Now listen to me Johnny! I don’t want you using that word again to describe what is going on with the cows and the bull!. If the bull mates with the black cow next, I want you to use the word “Surprised”, got it?”
Johnny replied Okay, hung his head and passed the Priest, who was now walking inside the barn, introducing himself.
As the two chatted, the man heard his son yelling “Dad, Dad!” as Johnny ran into the barn, and decided that quick action was required to head off disaster.
“I know son, the bull has now surprised the black cow.”
“You bet he has, Dad… the bull is f**kin’ the white cow again!”
dencouch (935f74) — 2/12/2011 @ 9:57 pmWhat’s black and white and red all over?
President Obama!
Dustin (b54cdc) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:09 pmA few months after Stalin died a famous Russian strong man died. The strongman arrived at the gates of hell and found Stalin standing outside. The strongman asked him why he was standing there and he replied “They won’t let me in”
The strongman threw him over his shoulder and knocked on the door. When it opened he asked the attendant ” You got a guy here named Karl Marx?” “Yeah” the attendant replied.
“Tell him I brought the interest on Das Kapital
Andy Bajonski (3791f8) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:55 pmA rabbi, an Irishman, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the three of them, scowls, and says, “What is this, a joke?”
Jim S. (57baf5) — 2/12/2011 @ 10:56 pmQ: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That’s not funny!
Jim S. (57baf5) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:01 pmDr. Ron Paul is the only one who can save us all!
True Conservative (815af6) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:20 pmA guy walks into a tavern and sees two blonde women at the bar who are obviously celebrating. They’re smiling, talking, drinking, and every now and then one of them yells, “Seven and a half months!” leading them both to cheer, high five each other, and down their drinks. Finally, curious, the guy walks over to them and asks them what they’re celebrating. “Well,” one of the blondes says, “we were sick and tired of people saying blondes are dumb, so we decided to prove them wrong. So we went into a toy store and bought a puzzle that said ‘2 to 3 years’ on it. …”
Jim S. (57baf5) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:32 pmThree Christian married couples, one Presbyterian, one Lutheran, one Baptist, all die at the same time and go before St. Peter. Peter looks at the first couple and says, “You Presbyterians, you make me sick! All you care about is money, lining your own pockets! And I’ll prove it: you married a woman named Penny. Get out of here!”
Then he turned to the next couple. “You Lutherans, you disgust me! All you care about is food, stuffing your face! And I’ll prove it: you married a woman named Candy. Get out of here!”
Then the Baptist looks over at his wife and says, “This doesn’t look good, Fanny.”
Jim S. (57baf5) — 2/12/2011 @ 11:35 pmA man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, I keep having this dream where I’m having sex with a beautiful woman. What does it mean?”
The psychiatrist says, “It’s quite simple. It means you want to ride a white horse, through a dark tunnel, towards a bright light …”
Jim S. (57baf5) — 2/13/2011 @ 1:03 amA successful attorney picks up his new Mercedes and takes it back to the office to show it off. As he opens the car door, a passing truck rips off the door and keeps going. Furious, the attorney calls the police.
When the officer arrives, the attorney goes into a rant and demands the officer catch the truck driver and make him pay. The officer says “I can’t believe how materialistic you are”. The attorney says “What do you mean?” The officer says “You’ve been standing here for 10 minutes ranting about some car damage, and have not said one word about your left arm being missing below the elbow”. The attorney looks down at his arm and says “MY ROLEX!”
pdc (b92b93) — 2/13/2011 @ 3:03 amWoman asks bartender for an example of a double-entendre. Bartender gives her one.
sierra (121696) — 2/13/2011 @ 4:15 amSo a couple of college students, short on cash, decide to get a summer job painting houses. To maximize their profits, they calculate exactly how much paint they’ll need for each house and try to buy only that many buckets of paint. After a few weeks on the job, they’re getting pretty good at it.
Then a local church hires them to repaint the church building in a different color. Again they calculate just how many buckets of paint they’ll need and buy just that many. But this is their first time painting a church, and they forgot to account for the steeple in their calculations, so they run out of paint half-way up the steeple.
“What are we going to do?” says one of them. “We can’t just leave the job half-finished, but if we go buy more paint, it’ll cost more.”
“I have an idea,” says the other one. “We’ve got a lot of turpentine right here, don’t we? And a bunch of empty paint buckets with just a little bit of paint left in the bottom or the sides. So let’s pour a bit of turpentine in the first bucket, slosh it around, pour that into the second bucket, slosh it around, and so on. By the time we reach the last bucket you won’t be able to tell the result from actual paint, and we can finish the steeple. Nobody’s going to be able to tell the difference from the ground.”
The first student agrees, and they start collecting empty paint buckets. But as they do so, they don’t notice the storm clouds rolling in. They notice pretty quick, though, when a lightning bolt hits the ground JUST to one side of them and a voice like thunder booms out from the clouds, saying:
“Repaint, ye thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!”
Robin Munn (cd9337) — 2/13/2011 @ 6:27 amAll right, MD in Philly, how about this –
A scientist, an engineer and a mathematician are all attending a conference and each of them has a room at the same hotel.
At 1am, the scientist wakes up to find his room on fire. He whips out a calculator, solves an equation or two, aims the fire extinguisher and presses the handle for exactly 17.4 seconds, putting out the fire. Satisfied, he goes back to sleep.
At 2am, the engineer wakes up to find his room on fire. He empties the entire fire extinguisher and pours buckets of water on the fire, thoroughly putting it out, then decides to stay up for the rest of the night to be sure.
At 3am, the mathematician wakes up to find his room on fire. He walks into the bathroom and hold his hand under the tap for a few seconds. “Aha” he says, “a solution exists!”
MrJimm (c6d03f) — 2/13/2011 @ 6:56 amThere is a priest, a rabbi, and a boy scout on a Prop Plan to Jerusalem.
A loud noise erupts and smoke starts to spew from the engines.
The pilot runs out, screams the plan is going down, grabs a parachute and jumps.
The Priest then looks at the Rabbi and says, “What do we do, there are only two parachutes left but three of us. Should we let the child go first?”
Rabbi looks at the Priest and says, “I am taking one Father and I suggest you do too.”
Priest says, “But what about the boy scout. He is just a young boy full of life.”
Rabbi says, “Fuck the boy.
Priest says, “Can I?”
Torquemada (2a42d3) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:00 amA study was being done to see if dogs really do begin to take on the characteristics of their masters. They chose the dogs of a doctor, an architect and a bartender. Each was given a stack of bones.
raugaj (bda54f) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:17 amThe first to react was the dog of the doctor. He began to shuffle them about with his mouth until he has reassembled the skeleton from whence they came.
The investigators were very enthused about this.
The second dog was from the architect and he also started moving the bones with his mouth until he had built a beautiful tower.
Again, the investigators were enthused.
All this time, the dog of the bartender has been laying in the corner licking his balls. At last, he goes into action. All in a whirl, he steals the bones from the other dogs, grinds them, snorts them and then fu##s the other two dogs.
Question: How do you get an Ohio State Alumnus off your porch?
Answer: You tip them for the pizza.
Torquemada (2a42d3) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:19 amJesus saves.
Moses invests.
Torquemada (2a42d3) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:21 amA Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Jim S. (57baf5) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:23 amA little boy’s father is excited about his first birthday. He asks the little boy what he wants. The boy says “Daddy, I want a pink and purple polka dotted ping pong ball.” So the dad buys a ping pong ball and paints it pink with purple polka dots and gives it to him for his birthday.
On the kid’s second birthday, the dad comes and asks him what he wants. The boy says “daddy, I want two pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.” The dad is a little confused, but complies with his son’s wishes and paints him another ping pong ball.
On the boy’s third birthday, his dad asks him what he wants for his birthday. The boy responds with: “daddy, I want three pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.” The dad says, “son, are you sure you don’t want a tricycle or a GI Joe?”
And the son replied, “no daddy, just the three pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.”
So the dad makes him three more.
On the fourth birthday, the dad buys four ping pong balls in anticipation. Sure enough, the boy wants four pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.
On the fifth birthday, the dad asks what he wants for his birthday. The boy said “dad, I want five pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.” To which the father replied, “son, I’ll get you your ping pong balls, but you have to tell me what you want them for.”
The son replied, “I’ll tell you when the time is right.” So the dad goes about his normal routine.
The dad thinks after the sixth birthday nears that surely the boy will want something else. His friends all got bicycles and video games, but again, the son just wanted six pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.
On the seventh birthday, the dad doesn’t even ask, he just paints the ping pong balls and gives them to his son. He did the same for the eighth and ninth birthdays too.
For his tenth birthday, the dad was positive the son would want a new baseball glove or a hockey stick, but no, he just wanted ten pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.
For his eleventh birthday, the son wanted eleven pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.
On his twelfth birthday, the dad asks “Son, I know what you are going to want for your birthday, but I just wanted to make sure, and to ask what in the world you are going to do with all these pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.”
The boy responded again, “dad, I’ll tell you when the time is right.”
On his thirteenth birthday, the boy asked for thirteen pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.
On his fourteenth, the dad was sure he’d want a motorcycle or ATV, but alas; the boy just wanted his fourteen pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls.
On his fifteenth, he wanted fifteen of the ping pong balls.
On his sixteenth birthday, the dad didn’t even ask, he just bought the ping pong balls. But, he also bought his son a new car. On the way home from the birthday celebration, the boy was involved in a terrible accident with a drunk driver. The dad rushed to the hospital to be with his son.
He asked him in a brief moment of clarity “son, I’ve been asking you what you wanted for your birthday for 16 years today. You’ve always wanted pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls, and I’ve complied. When I asked why, you said you’d tell me when the time was right. Will you please tell me what you want them for?”
The boy thought for a moment, then replied “dad, you bought me those pink and purple polka dotted ping pong balls every year. You and mom never put up a fight or got mad, so I feel that I do owe you an explanation of why.”
The boy was hacking and coughing after every word, but he did his best to get these important words out for his father.
“You see dad, I had a plan for those ping pong balls. You see…”
And he died.
prmetime (7f5780) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:46 amQ: What did Jim Bowie say to Davy Crockett as a thousand Mexicans charged the Alamo?
A: Jesus, how much sod did you order?
BT (74cbec) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:51 amQ: Why are Ed Schultz and happyfeet like Brokeback Mountain?
Icy Texan (6c3bf2) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:02 amA: They just can’t quit Sarah Palin.
Keith Olbermann
[There’s ^^^ my favorite joke. Now, what did you want me to tell him?]
Icy Texan (6c3bf2) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:04 amA man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, “I think I accidentally killed your rooster; please allow me to replace him.”
“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”
Alex (2483cc) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:06 amAn alligator walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “We don’t serve alligators in this bar.”
Alligator: “Come on, just give me a drink.”
Bartender: “I told you, we don’t serve alligators in this bar.”
Alligator: “You see that girl at the end of the bar? Give me a drink or I’ll eat her up.”
Bartender: “Sorry, I’ve even got a sign that says ‘No alligators served’. I’m not going to serve you.”
Alligator: “Okay then, you asked for it.”
The alligator gets up, walks down to the end of the bar, bites the girl into two pieces and gobbles her down. As he turns around to head out, he begins to stagger, then drops down to the floor *BOOM*… out like a light. A couple of hours later he comes to, drags himself over to the bartender and asks what the hell happened.
Bartender: “You didn’t know? That was a bar-bit-ur-ate.”
Stashiu3 (44da70) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:07 amMichelle Obama walks into a salad bar . . . and levies fines for too much sodium in the saltines, sulfites preserving the lettuce, and non sugar-free jello on the dessert stand.
Icy Texan (6c3bf2) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:07 am“we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it” — Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi
[the part in bold type is the joke]
Icy Texan (6c3bf2) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:20 amDa too Yoopers go hunting, eh. Dere’s noe deers ta be seen, so Toivo seys ta Eino “go ovver dere an’ I’ll stay heer an’ yoo ken come around da hill an’ scere ’em oat dis way an’ I’ll get ’em.
Soon Toivo heard noise in da brush and he shot: “BANG BANG”. “O Noe! It’s Eino!” So Toivo worked an’ did everthin’ he knew ta do for Eino, an’ dragged him back to da truck, an’ threw him in da truck, an’ sped to da ER.
At the ER, Toivo cried out “Doctor Doctor! Heer’s my friend Eino! Can yoo save him?”
“Well I could have if you hadn’t gutted him first”.
Teflon Dad (51022d) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:28 amA blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.
A.K. (b29127) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:40 amAll of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging
the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and
asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just
looking around.”
An old one from eastern Europe during the cold war:
A Pollack was jumping up and down on a manhole cover shouting “88! 88!”
A passing Russian apparatchik stopped long enough to shake his head and mutter aloud “stupid Pollack”.
The Pollack saw him and started laughing and giggling and exclaiming “Comrade Russki! This is incredible fun, you need to try it”! He kept repeating his invatation, and after several minutes cajoling him, the Pollack convinced the Russian to try it.
The heavy russian got onto the manhole cover, and jumped a few inches, “88. 88. Comrade this is no fun”.
“No, no, you need to go really high for the fun to happen. Higher”!
“88, 88.”
“Higher! Higher!”
“88, 88!” “8 eh….”
The Pollack, when the Russian jumped high enough, had pulled the manhole cover aside, then slapped it back on and started over shouting “89! 89!”
Teflon Dad (51022d) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:45 amThere’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.
The politically incorrect Dana (132cf8) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:48 amI’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a solicitor from the Sperm Bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
The very politically incorrect Dana (132cf8) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:49 amI failed my biology exam today. I was asked to “Name 2 things commonly found in cells.” Apparently “Mexicans and Blacks” is not the correct answer. And later in a bar I failed another question, where do most women have curly hair, apparently the correct answer is Africa.
The extremely politically incorrect Dana (132cf8) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:50 amI’m living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they’ve challenged me to a “water fight” in the back yard….so I’m just writing to you while I wait for the kettle to boil.
The Dana who should be thoroughly denouced (132cf8) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:51 amBy the way, all of my jokes were stolen from Gretchen!
The plagiarist Dana (132cf8) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:53 amA man is walking down the street when he sees a hearse pass by in the opposite direction, followed by a second hearse, followed by a man on foot with a dog on a leash, at the head of a long line of men, also on foot.
This is such an unusual funeral procession that he just has to find out what is going on.
He approaches the man with the dog, and quietly asks, “Who’s in the first hearse.”
“My wife,” the man answers.
“And in the second hearse?”
“Mother-in-law.”
“How did they die?”
“My dog bit them.”
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”
doc_benway (908d68) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:57 amThe Buddhist gives the hot dog vendor a $20 and gets his hot dog. Then he asks, “Where’s the change?” And the hot dog vendor says, “Change must come from within. . .”
RedHatRob (d42b40) — 2/13/2011 @ 10:01 amThe Lone Ranger and Tonto were cornered in a canyon by a pack of Comanches. They had no hope of escape. Seeing they were about to be slaughtered, the Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said “Tonto, my most worthy friend, we have had many great adventures together. Alas, it seems we are about to die”. Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger, then looks at the advancing Comanche horde and replied “Whats this “We” shit, white man?”
FLBuckeye (719a12) — 2/13/2011 @ 10:18 amDana and elissa most funny!
Man met beautiful blond lady and decide he wanted to marry her right away.
Lady say, “But we don’t know anything about each other..”
Man say, “That all right, we learn about each other as we go along.”
So lady consent, they marry and they go on honeymoon at very nice resort.
One morning they lay by the pool, when man get up off towel, climb up to 10 meter board and do a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in pike position, at which point he straighten out and cut water like knife.
After few more demonstrations, he come back and lay down on towel.
Lady say, “That incredible!”
Man say, “I used to be Olympic diving champion. You see, I tell you we learn more about each other
as we go along.”
So lady get up, jump in pool and start swimming lengths.
After 75 length she climb out of pool, lay down on towel and she not even out of breath.
Man say, “That incredible! Were you Olympic
endurance swimmer?”
“No”, lady say, “I was hooker in Pittsburgh and I work both sides of river.”
ColonelHaiku (fc2fb5) — 2/13/2011 @ 11:58 amA housewife came home from shopping to see her husband holding a fly swatter while standing in the kitchen.
“What are you doing” she asked.
“Killing flies.”
“Get any?” she inquired.
“Yeah. Five. Three male and two female.”
“Wait a minute!”, said the wife. “How can you tell if flies are male or female?”
“Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”
navyvet (db5856) — 2/13/2011 @ 12:15 pmA first grade teacher was explaining to her class: “Now that you are no longer in Kindergarten, you have to learn to speak with adult words…no baby talk.” She then asked Suzy: “What did you do this weekend?” Suzy responded: “We took a ride on the choo choo.” The teacher says: “No, no, it’s not a ‘choo,choo’…it’s a ‘train.’ Remember, use adult words.”
She then asks Tommy: “And what did you do this weekend?” Tommy replied: “I read a book.” The teacher was impressed: “That is great! And what book did you read?”
Tommy started squirming in his eat, not wanting to suffer Suzy’s fate. Then, his eye lit up and he saw his way out of his predicament.
He replied with emphasis: “I read Winnie the SH*T!”
RAZ (4e0dda) — 2/13/2011 @ 12:17 pmWish I heard more jokes than I do, but heard a “blonde joke” awhile back that made me laugh, even though I’m sure it must be very old…
Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Angeleno (bc7c15) — 2/13/2011 @ 12:40 pmLindsey Lohan . . . blonde joke.
Icy Texan (6c3bf2) — 2/13/2011 @ 1:00 pmTwo avid golfers, Fred and George, played 18 holes every Saturday morning for over thirty years. They knew exactly what time to start so they could be home for lunch. They became so punctual their wives would have lunch on the table when they got there.
One Saturday they didn’t show up for lunch and by mid afternoon their wives began to worry. Finally around 6 pm George shows up. His wife asks what took so long that day. George told her “Fred had a heart attack on the third hole. After that it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred.”
Jim (844377) — 2/13/2011 @ 1:38 pmMathematician jokes…
Q: How does a mathematician get a box of books from the floor onto a table?
A: He bends over, picks them up, then sits them on the table.
Q: How does a mathematician get a box of books from one table to another table?
A: He scratches his head a moment, then puts the box of books on the floor, and smiling he says, “I know how to solve this!”
(Told by a real mathematics post-doc)
Q: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb needs to want to change.
Q: How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the light bulb and four to make the meal.*
*(You need to understand Mennonites do a lot of projects together, like Amish barn-raising, but rarely can they do something without having a meal provided for everybody. You could maybe ask how many people does it take to change your Jewish mother-in-law’s light bulb and get a similar answer.)
Q: How many people in Hazmat suits does it take to clean up a broken compact flourescent light bulb?
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/13/2011 @ 1:40 pmA: (Take your pick)
1) It depends whether you are in California or not.
2) It depends whether your lawyer friend defends companies or sues them.
3) It depends if your home is unionized or not.
4) It’s not a joke.
A little boy is sitting on the curb playing with his dog. A woman comes by and comments, “What a cute puppy. What’s his name?”
The little boy says “Oink, ma’am.”
She says “Oink? Isn’t that a strange name for a dog?”
“Oh, no, ma’am. He fucks pigs.”
Jim (844377) — 2/13/2011 @ 1:40 pmA young woman goes into a bar and orders a Budweiser. Shortly after she finishes her beer she passes out. About an hour later she wakes up.
This goes on several days in a row and finally the men in the bar figure they can “have their way with her” while she’s passed out.
After a week of this the next time she enters the bar she orders a Miller. The bar tender says “I thought you liked Budweiser?”
She says, “I thought so too, but, Budweiser makes my pussy hurt.”
Jim (844377) — 2/13/2011 @ 1:45 pm197- I have a true story similar. My partner at the time was a member at Lakeside GC in Hollywood. He was sitting in the men’s grill when somebody came running to tell him a guy had collapsed. He ran into the locker room and saw a guy in full arrest. They worked on him with CPR and the ambulance came. Mike rode with him to the St Joseph’s ER less than a mile away. They couldn’t resuscitate the guy.
Mike went back to the club and saw the guy’s golf partners. He said, “Did you notice anything about him when you were playing?” One of them said that Harry (or whatever his name was) started having chest pain about #6. The pain got worse until it drove him to his knees on #9. Mike said, “Didn’t that warn you that something was wrong?” They said, “Yeah we were worried about him but he birdied the hole and finished 18.”
Mike K (8f3f19) — 2/13/2011 @ 1:46 pmMD in Philly, it is my theory that all the knowledge in the Universe can be expressed in a sufficiently large set of light bulb jokes. This is SPQR’s Completeness Theorem.
SPQR (26be8b) — 2/13/2011 @ 2:15 pmAn Arab sheik, a Cuban citizen and a New Yorker are standing outside the United Nations bldg.
A pollster walks up and says “excuse me, what do you think of the present meat shortage?”
The Arab sheik says “Excuse me, what is ‘shortage’?”
The Cuban says “Excuse me, what is ‘meat’?”
The New Yorker says “Excuse me, what is ‘excuse me'”?
harkin (cfeb82) — 2/13/2011 @ 2:29 pmCould be, SPQR could be.
MD in Philly (3d3f72) — 2/13/2011 @ 3:03 pmA new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said “Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ‘urges’.
That’s why we have the camel.”
The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.”
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant “Is that how the men do it?”
“No, not really, sir… They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”
prmetime (7f5780) — 2/13/2011 @ 3:05 pmI amused my family all last night with these jokes. Thanks everyone!
MayBee (081489) — 2/13/2011 @ 3:22 pm1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
prmetime (7f5780) — 2/13/2011 @ 3:26 pmI went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, “come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a “John Kerry for President” bumper sticker on it
prmetime (7f5780) — 2/13/2011 @ 3:39 pmAn elderly couple walk into a bar, and the husband immediately walks over to a group of young women and begins flirting with them.
The bartender walks over to the wife and says, “Doesn’t it bother you that every time you come in here, he flirts with the women?”
The wife says, “No, no. Not really. I mean, dogs chase cars but that doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”
JT (1dd638) — 2/13/2011 @ 4:33 pmWhy did the sperm bank fire the gay guy?
They caught him drinking on the job.
The Dana who really needs to be denounced! (132cf8) — 2/13/2011 @ 4:44 pmA woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said:
“OK, take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.
“Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.” Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr Chang then said “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. “Your probrem vewy bad. “You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
The woman asked anxiously “Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?”
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied “Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!”
prmetime (7f5780) — 2/13/2011 @ 4:54 pmTwo Canadian guys were having a few beers and getting bored. One suggests playing a game of 20 questions and says he has a word. It’s “moosecock.”. His friend’s 1st question is “can you eat it?”. He chuckles and says “I guess you can eat it.” The other guy says: “Is it moosecock”?
walstib (90f7c0) — 2/13/2011 @ 5:07 pmA dude meets a prostitute at a motel and starts banging her. Instead of a nice warm vagina, he feels the sensation of sandpaper on his penis. “Ouch. Damn girl, you are rough,” he says.
So the prostitute turns over and commands the dude to give it to her in the butt. Same thing. “Damn girl, you are really rough there too.”
“Hold on,” the prostitute says as she goes into the bathroom. After she comes out, they go back to regular sex. It feels great. Warm and really moist. “That feels great!” the dude says, “What did you do, get some KY?”
“No,”” the prostitute answered, ” I picked my scabs.”
Kansas Gman (77d609) — 2/13/2011 @ 7:15 pm*Stuttering Cat – as explained by a grade 4 pupil……
Rob Whittier (5a9c12) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:09 pmA teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.
‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!’
‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.
‘It sure was,’ said the little girl.
‘My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,” but before she could say ‘Fuck!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 412. One to paint the giraffe light blue and bright orange. Three to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools. Seven to dress six elderly women and four five-year-old girls in pink lace and yellow velvet…
Q: How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can’t be done with programmers, it’s a hardware problem.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/13/2011 @ 8:22 pmA: Don’t be silly. Californians screw in hot tubs.
Q: If pine nuts are six cents each, and hickory nuts are three for a dollar, and walnuts are 25 cents apiece, how much are deer nuts?
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:42 pmA: Two for a buck.
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The Biologist concludes: “They have reproduced.”
The Mathematician says: “Now if another person enters the house, it’ll be empty again.”
Teflon Dad (51022d) — 2/13/2011 @ 9:47 pmThis guy decides to give his best friend a really, really unique Christmas present, so he goes to a pet store.
He tells the operator that he’s looking for a truly unique pet to give his friend.
“So, I assume a dog isn’t worth considering?” the pet shop owner asks.
“No, much too common.”
“Same thing for a cat?”
“Oh, yes, half our friends all have cats. I want to give him something REALLY unique.”
“Well, then I have just the gift for you, but he’ll be expensive.” The owner goes over to a bird cage, and takes off the cover. Inside is a fairly colorful but otherwise unremarkable looking parrot.
“A parrot? Are you kidding? What’s unique about that? We’ve got at least three mutual friends with birds!”
“Ah,” replied the owner. “This is Chet. He’s a particularly unique bird. Watch.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out his lighter, opened the cage, and, flicking the lighter to light, moved it towards the left side of the bird’s perch. With a loud squawk, the parrot, eying the flame, edged towards the right side of his perch, and began to sing, in a remarkable contralto voice, “AWWWkkk! I’mmmmmm dreeeaming, of a whiiiite Christmas….”
“Wow.” said the guy. “That is pretty impressive.”
“And that’s not all. Watch this!” And with that, he flicked the lighter to life once more, and slowly moved it towards the right-hand side of the bird’s perch. Again, the parrot let loose with a squawk, and, eying the flame, sidled over to the left hand side of its perch, and broke once more into song: “Awwwkkk! Jingle Bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock! Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring…”
“Oh, man! OK, you sold me. I’ll take him.”
“I thought you’d appreciate him. Chet is a very very good bird. Beautiful plumage.”
So our boy gives his friend Chet, and shows him what he can do. The friend is also very impressed, but a thought occurs to him… “Hey, what happens if you don’t hold the lighter to one side or the other? What does he do then?”
“You know, I have no idea. What the heck, let’ find out…” And he flicks the lighter to life once more, and slowly moves it towards the middle of the perch. The bird once more squawks, and, with a flutter of wings, extends his feet as far apart as possible to keep away from the flame as he eyes it nervously. Suddenly, he breaks out into song: “Awwk!!! Chet’s nuts roasting, on an open fire….”
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/13/2011 @ 10:11 pmBack in the 60s, a soldier went to Vietnam. He survived his tour of duty, and, the day before leaving, had a massive drunken party with his buddies, during which time he screwed several whores.
To his horror, about four days later, when he was back in the states, his penis started turning a number of different shades of color — blue, yellow, green, purple….
He went to see a doctor, who took one look at it, and said, “Sorry, son, that’s going to have to come off!” He cringed at the idea, and asked for a second opinion. The doctor sent him to another doctor, a specialist in VD, who concurred with the first one… “Sorry, son, that’s gotta come off.”
He leaves the office, glumly scheduling an appointment for the next day, when he gets a bright idea — an asian specialist for an asian disease!
So he heads to Chinatown, and finds an herbalist. He tells him about his penis, and the herbalist ushers him into a back room and takes a look.
“Yeah, the docs were telling me that they had to cut it off. I figured… asian disease, maybe an asian specialist knows better.”
“They want to cut off your dick?!?!?” the herbalist exclaimed.
“Yeah” he said.
“Oh, no, I never let them cut off your dick!” he said. “No way!”
“Really!?!” he said, pleased at the news. “Man, I knew there had to be an alternative!! So, what do I do?”
“No, no need to cut off dick. Two, three day — it fall off all by itself…”
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/13/2011 @ 10:34 pmVariant, about the same story:
[he] says to the crowd, “Now, I dare any one of you to do the same.” He looks around. Dead silence. No one in crowd comes forth. Finally, a small, wimpy looking guy from the back of the crowd steps forward and raises his hand and lisps, “Ok, I’ll try it, but I don’t want anyone to hit me on the head.”
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/13/2011 @ 10:42 pmJust goes to show it’s better to have more than one joke in your repertoire…
😀
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/13/2011 @ 11:25 pmBack in the 80s, a very old sailor, having mustered out, is whiling away the time riding a bus around town.
He sees this young kid get on, in full punk regalia — purple and green spiked hair, leather, studs, pierced ear and nose, and so forth.
He sits there, watching the kid, staring, and sorta smiling to himself.
The kid, finally annoyed, goes over and asks him, “What the hell’s your f
***ing problem, old man?”He looks up at him and says, “Well, you know, many years ago, I was in port on leave in Southeast Asia. I was really, really drunk, you know, and that leave, well, it’s all kind of hazy. So I’m not really sure…..” The sailor lets his comment drift off.
“Yeah, old man, so f
***ing what?” the kid sneers at him.“Well,” the sailor continues, “I’m not really certain, but I think I f
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/13/2011 @ 11:44 pm***ed a parrot. I wondered if you could be my son.”dencouch — lots of “Little Johnny” jokes.
1 ——————————————–
Little Johnny’s teacher assigns the class, newly returned from summer vacation, to tell a story about their summer vacation, and that should have a moral.
Julie gets up in front of the class, and tells the story about how she went to her aunt and uncle’s farm, and while there, she filled a basket with eggs, and, while walking back to the house, she dropped the basket and broke almost all the eggs. “The moral is,” said Julie “don’t count your eggs until they’re hatched.”
Jimmy got up and told how he’d tried all summer long to teach the rather elderly family dog to roll over on command, but had no luck despite a great deal of effort. “The moral is,” said Jimmy, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
The teacher had scheduled Johnny last, hoping against hope that time would run out and he would not have time to make his presentation, and she could make excuses for why he didn’t have to make his the next day… but no luck. There was still 20 minutes left before the end of school and Johnny was the last one left.
Johnny got up, and told of how he’d spent a few weeks up in the mountains with his great-grandpa, who had served in WWII. “My Great Grandpa told me about the time he was completely drunk, totally wasted, with a bad hangover, and flying back from a furlough in Hawaii to the Philippines. All of a sudden, the plane was shot down by Japanese Zeros! The plane made a forced landing on a small island still held by the dirty Japs!” Johnny was getting very animated now, and started waving and gesturing to tell his story, “Grampo was the only guy left alive to climb out of the wreckage, and the plane was surrounded by those damned dirty nips! He grabbed a machine gun and started firing left and right! He shot ten of them as they charged the plane before the machine gun ran out of ammo! So he whipped out his pistol, and shot four more before THAT ran out of ammo! He pulled out his bowie knife, and ducked under one guy running at him with a sword, cut his throat, and took the sword, and chopped the head off three more of the rotten Japs! By the time the fight was over, he had killed at least seventeen dirty rotten Japs!”
About this time, the flabbergasted teacher finally stopped Johnny, and, thoroughly disconcerted, asked Johnny what possible moral lesson he thought this absurdly violent story could possibly provide…
“The moral of the story is,” said Johnny, “Don’t F*** with Granpo when he’s coming off a bender.”
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/14/2011 @ 12:16 amHow many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve, you’ze got some kind a problems wid dat?
Have Blue (854a6e) — 2/14/2011 @ 12:16 am2 ———————-
Another day, another presentation (You’d think this teacher would get a clue, but, hey, she’s teaching public school, right?).
This time, the objective is to “draw a picture on the blackboard, and then tell why it was exciting to you.”
Janie got up and drew a crude picture of a horse, and then told a story about how she’d gone horseback riding, and how fun and exciting it was.
Jerry got up, and drew a picture of a rocket, and told the tale of how his family had gone to Cape Canaveral a year before, and he’d watched them launch a satellite into space.
Once more, the teacher was unlucky, and time did not run out. She sighed, and waved Little Johnny forward.
Johnny got up to the blackboard, and drew a dot.
“What is that?” asked the teacher.
“It’s a period!” he replied.
“What is so exciting about a period?” she asked.
“I dunno, but my big sister came home yesterday and said she missed hers and mommy started crying and daddy was yelling and sis was yelling back, and man, I haven’t seen so much excitement around the house in months!”
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/14/2011 @ 12:24 am189: that one has a modern variant as a blonde joke —
A blonde spots a brunette walking down the middle of the street along the centerline, saying “37… 37… 37…”
The blonde asks her what she’s doing. The brunette says “it’s real fun, come try it…!” So the blonde steps out into the street and walks along behind her going, “37… 37… 37… Hey, what’s so fun about this?”
The brunette says, “Be patient! Keep going”. “37… 37… 37…” Suddenly a car barrels down the street. The brunette jumps aside as the blonde gets run over.
The brunette gets back up, dusts herself off, and begins walking down the centerline of the street once more: “38… 38… 38…”
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/14/2011 @ 1:04 amprmetime, you got most of it but you blew the structure.
The line:
“When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant “Is that how the men do it?”
Is supposed to appear earlier in the joke, preferably as a running part of the gag — thus:
=========================================
A newly assigned captain of the French Foreign Legion is assigned to a remote outpost guarding a strategically important pass in the middle of nowhere 40 miles from the nearest village.
Being a rather priggish sort, he considers cleanliness and fastidiousness a key virtue to enforce discipline.
While touring the outpost with his adjutant, who had been there for five years, he kept spotting issues with how things were done. In each case, the Lt’s reply was, “It’s how the men do it, sir!”
Being fresh to the command and smart enough to not raise ripples right out of the gate, he has the Lt compile a list of these things he wants to change.
Then he spies a lone camel in a quiet, dim corner of the fort.
“Lieutenant, why is that camel there…?”
The Lt. hemmed and hawed but finally broke down, and said, “Well, sir, the men… they have… needs, sir! And when they have these… needs, well, that is what the camel is there for!”
“That’s disgusting!” he replies.
“It’s how the men do it, sir!”
He almost orders the Lt to dispose of the camel, but, following his policy of “wait for changes”, he just adds it to the growing list.
In the following months, he begins implementing the changes to discipline, most of the time with strenuous objections from the Lt, “But sir — it’s how the men do it!” to the point where he gets rather tired of the phrase.
The camel, though, never gets removed, and begins to preoccupy his thoughts after a couple months.
After four months, he found himself staring at it regularly, and by six months, the pressure has built up to the point where he almost he to attain release.
Finally, one day about seven months into the rotation, “Lieutenant! Fetch me a stepladder!” he shouts, and which ladder he takes to the camel’s dark area of keeping, places it behind the camel, climbs it, drops his pants, and begins the shag the very, very surprised camel.
The Lt stands there stoically, saying nothing whatsoever.
It doesn’t take very long, of course, after which the captain steps down, pulls up his pants and re-fastens them, hands the Lt the stepladder and says, “Well, Lt? Is that ‘How the men do it?'”…
“Actually, no sir, the men usually take some leave, hop on the camel, and ride it to the brothel in town 40 miles away, but whatever floats your boat, sir!”
Smock Puppet (c9dcd8) — 2/14/2011 @ 1:33 amA guy is suffering from horrendous headaches, and after several months of tests his doctor arrives at a diagnosis: “you have testicular impaction syndrome, and the only solution is castration.” Of course the guy doesn’t want anything to do with this, so he declines the procedure. After another month of debilitating headaches, he relents and goes under the knife. After recovery he feels like a million bucks! He decides to treat himself to a new set of clothes as a reward, and goes to the finest tailor in town.
He tells the tailor he’s interested in a new set of clothes.
“Great,” says the tailor “Your coat size is 44 long.”
“Yeah, how did you know?” says the man.
“I’m the best tailor in town, I can tell just by looking.” replies the tailor.
“Your slacks are 36 with a 34 inch inseam” says the tailor.
“Yeah, how did you know?” says the man.
“I’m the best tailor in town, I can tell just by looking.” replies the tailor.
This gets repeated with his shirt size and shoe size as well.
Finally the tailor asks is the man would like some of the finest underwear ever made.
“Of course” says the man. “But, I have to warn you, I don’t think you’ll get my size right on this one.”
“You’re a 36” says the tailor.
“Aha, I got you” replies the man “I’m a 32, just like I was in high school.”
“Nonsense” says the tailor. “If you wore 32’s they would smash your nuts and you’d have horrendous headaches.”
Little Johnny (b78311) — 2/14/2011 @ 9:07 amSomeone must have told LBJ that joke, Little Johnny.
LOL.
Dustin (b54cdc) — 2/14/2011 @ 9:09 amA Hamas terrorist was lost in the desert with no water to be seen. As he stagggered across one sand dune he came upon an Israeli who was selling neckties in the middle of the desert. “Jew,” said the Hamas man, “give me some water!”
The Israeli replied that he had no water. “Wouldn’t you like to buy a necktie though? They are only 5 dollars.”
“Damn you, Jew, if I had a weapon I would kill you.”
The Jew replied: “Are you sure you don’t want a necktie? They’re only 5 dollars.”
“No”, said the terrorist, “I want water.”
The Jew then tells him that there is a restaurant just 3 miles over the dunes, and that they have water there, and so the Hamas man staggers off in the pointed direction as the Jew implores, “Are you SURE you don’t want to buy a necktie? Five dollars is a good price.”
Hours later, the terrorist is seen crawling back on hands and knees towards the necktie seller. In his hand he clutches a crumpled $5 bill. He thrusts it at the Jew and between parched and swollen lips he says, ” Sell me the damned tie! Your f***ing brother won’t let me in his restaurant without a tie!”
John425 (848837) — 2/14/2011 @ 9:14 amThe mother of the bride offered some last-minute advice to her virgin daughter, who was about to marry a Navy sailor (use whatever group you care to disparage): “I’ve heard about these Navy guys,” the mother said. “One of these days, he will ask you to do it the other way. You must refuse this request and maintain your dignity.”
After about six months of marital happiness, one night, the sailor turned to his young bride and said, “Honey, I have an idea. Making love with you is wonderful, but tonight, I’d like to try it the other way.”
“Oh, no,” the bride said. “My other warned me about you Navy guys and said this day would come. I’m sorry, but I will not.”
“Okay, but if you want to go through the rest of your life with a sore ass and no kids, have it your way.”
Diffus (228fe4) — 2/14/2011 @ 10:32 am@ #202
You godel love that joke!
@ #228
I thought it was going to be a joke about impotence (importance) i.e., If I’m going to be im-poe-tent, I might as well look im-poe-tent.
Felipe (02954a) — 2/14/2011 @ 4:13 pmThen there was the plastic surgeon who hung himself…
the friendly grizzly (2f59a6) — 2/14/2011 @ 5:58 pmAnd the schizophrenic so angry he was beside himself.
the friendly grizzly (2f59a6) — 2/14/2011 @ 5:58 pmA World War II pilot was reminiscing before some schoolchildren about his days in the RAF.
“In 1942,” he said, “the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
At this point, a few of the children began to giggle.
“Then I looked up,” he continued, “and one of them was right above me. I aimed as carefully as I could under the circumstances, and shot him down.
“But by then they were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker right behind me.”
At that point even more of the girls in the auditorium began to giggle, and the boys started to laugh aloud. The teacher stood up and said, “Class, I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company.”
“That’s true,” said the pilot, “but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.”
Dagwood (685f0a) — 2/14/2011 @ 6:58 pmThis joke caused a guy to lose an election a couple of decades ago (the candidate who told it wasn’t an Aggie):
A woman discovered a massive infestation of rats in her basement, so she called the Aggie Exterminator Service, who responded, “We’ll have a team right over, ma’am.”
A couple of hours later, a personnel carrier parked in front of her house, and a company of troops lined up in formation on her front lawn. An officer knocked on her door, and asked her to open the door to the basement. When she did, he drew his sword and yelled, “CHARGE!”
The entire company ran down into her basement, closing the door behind them. For the next two weeks, she heard sounds of combat. At the end of that time, the company came back up, and the officer reported that the infestation had been taken care of. The company had four dead, twelve wounded, and three with war brides.
wheels (9a7c6f) — 2/14/2011 @ 9:25 pmA skeleton walks into a bar. says ‘gimme a beer and a mop’.
Horse walks into a bar. bartender says ‘why the long face?’
guy goes to the doctor. doctor tells him he’s got 6 months to live. guy says he wants a 2nd opinion. doctor says, ‘okay, you’re ugly too.’
guy goes to the doctor. doctor tells him he’s got 6 months to live. guy couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him 6 more months.
take my wife. please.
guy goes to the doctor, says ‘doc, my arm hurts when I do this.’ Doctor says, ‘stop doing that.’
Jones (72b0ed) — 2/15/2011 @ 12:33 amTwo women are sitting next to each other minding their own business…..
rickb223 (0acd5c) — 2/15/2011 @ 10:17 amA husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.’
The married Dana (132cf8) — 2/16/2011 @ 6:07 pmรับจ้างโพสข้อความลงเว็บบอร์ด 1000เว็บบอร์ด2000บาท สนใจสอบถามลายละเอียดที่เบอร์ 0873467837 24ชม
johnythai (dfd35e) — 6/7/2011 @ 8:55 pm