There is Now Something Officially Worse Than the TSA’s Scan and Grope
[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here.]
I will leave the mind scarring details to the source material, but here’s the gist. Say you are a gay man seeking asylum in the Czech Republic based on anti-gay persecution. Well, this might be traumatizing enough to make you need asylum from the asylum process. You see, the Czechs are really worried about people faking being gay to get asylum. So they attach a device to your, um… let’s just say, they attach it to your junk. And then they show you pictures that would presumably turn on a gay man. And then they use the device to see if you are turned on.
Yes, really. They even have a bland sounding term for it. Phallometric tests.
And um, seriously, you couldn’t fool this test? Like as they show you a naked dude, you couldn’t instead picture a hot girl?
Also, there is no word on what they do when a lesbian seeks asylum.
Hat tip: Boing boing.
Update: Linked without further comment.
Update (II): Also linked, without further comment.
[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing.]
If they show a picture of Palin I’ll ace the test, but then run away screaming.
Comment by kfart
Dmac (498ece) — 12/10/2010 @ 11:00 amHasn’t this “test” been used in some real goofball studies?
JD (6e25b4) — 12/10/2010 @ 11:10 amdmac save it for the sock puppet thread.
lol
Aaron Worthing (e7d72e) — 12/10/2010 @ 11:11 am‘Spose it’s better than hanging by the neck.
gary gulrud (790d43) — 12/10/2010 @ 11:26 amI will humbly volunteer to test the lesbians 😉
JD (822109) — 12/10/2010 @ 11:29 amSomething like this is done overnight in helping determine if a male’s “ED” is caused by an organic/physical factor, such as poor blood flow, or an emotional issue. If nocturnal erections are recorded, it is assumed that physically things are fine and spend more time on emotional factors.
No comment whatsoever on the above application of the test, none whatsoever.
MD in Philly (cac12c) — 12/10/2010 @ 11:35 amkfart is most likely built like a Ken Doll between the legs, as well as, the ears.
wiff (688a60) — 12/10/2010 @ 12:20 pmI was very disappointed that nobody from the TSA touched my junk going through security this past week on my first flights since the new grip and grope policy. I had small denomination bills ready for tips and everything.
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 12:26 pmDaley- were you really going to tip them for fun? That would have been quite hilarious, provided the attendants weren’t so embarrassed by it that they gave you trouble.
MD in Philly (cac12c) — 12/10/2010 @ 12:44 pmDon’t worry, the Czechs are developing a test for the lesbians, and say that it’ll be built and deployed lickety split.
The bad Dana (3e4784) — 12/10/2010 @ 12:56 pmDana
that is so wrong. hilarious, but wrong.
Aaron Worthing (e7d72e) — 12/10/2010 @ 1:08 pmTim Geithner has a bad afternoon
Neo (7830e6) — 12/10/2010 @ 2:30 pmMD in Philly – Admittedly it’s not like getting your clothes shined up and smelling like coconut oil with a lap dance, or so I’m told, but good service is good service.
Perhaps the oozing sores are a little off-putting, I’ll have to ask JD, but those folks still have a job to do! They are not allowed to discriminate or profile according to Holder or Napolitano. I want my grope!
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 3:15 pmAaron – the link says you have it backwards. They’re showing the gay men straight porn, and then disallowing them if they get aroused.
aphrael (e0cdc9) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:13 pmThis just seems patently silly.
JD (eb5afc) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:27 pmThis is ridiculous and pretty damn unrealistic, but I guess there are better places for a gay man to go if he’s trying to avoid a crappy place for gays.
Dustin (b54cdc) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:28 pmSo is the EU saying this would never stand up in World Court?
nk (db4a41) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:32 pmDustin – I’m sort of not sure what the line is on what can politely be said here, but it’s a bad test.
Showing gay men lesbian porn would be a better test, because at least then there are no men in it.
aphrael (e0cdc9) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:40 pmWho doesn’t like lesbian porn? 😉
JD (eb5afc) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:42 pmthere is no word on what they do when a lesbian seeks asylum.
k.d. lang video?
malclave (1db6c5) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:52 pmDoes this mean bisexuals are guaranteed to flunk the test?
DRJ (d43dcd) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:56 pmMalclave – I think they show them the Top Gun volleyball scene.
JD (eb5afc) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:57 pm“there is no word on what they do when a lesbian seeks asylum.”
I would avoid showing them Rosie O’Donnell’s show unless they are on the big boned side.
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 4:58 pmNow I’m confused. Would Willie Nelson pass or fail the test?
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job, To find the frickin’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave.
For every single morning, It stood and watched me shave.
Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 5:09 pmDRJ: presumably. Although there must be some leeway granted for the individual attractiveness of the actors, right?
aphrael (e0cdc9) — 12/10/2010 @ 5:13 pmThis sounds like something Dwight Schrute would come up with.
Of course, it’s not intended to actually work. It’s intended to scare off fakes who are dumb and paranoid. It’s theater, and in this age of communication and discussion, it falls on its face quickly and winds up being a complete embarrassment.
Just like the TSA’s new methods.
Dustin (b54cdc) — 12/10/2010 @ 5:16 pmDwight is a trusted and loyal advisor, and this seemed like an excellent idea, at the time.
Michael Scott (eb5afc) — 12/10/2010 @ 5:19 pmThis really is from The Onion, isn’t it?
JD (eb5afc) — 12/10/2010 @ 5:20 pmThey should show them Batman and Robin TV episodes.
The Czechs are a worthless people. They surrendered to Hitler without a fight when their air force could have bombed Germany back into the Stone Age.
nk (db4a41) — 12/10/2010 @ 5:52 pmThe tests were always conducted under the supervision of experts, said the officials, and always with the asylum seeker’s full written consent.
Supervision of experts? Exactly what are they experts in? And what do they put on their resumes?
Dana (8ba2fb) — 12/10/2010 @ 7:08 pm“Exactly what are they experts in?”
Dana – I thought it was sort of self-explanatory. If you want, I could draw you a picture.
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 7:27 pm“And what do they put on their resumes?”
How does Engorgement Expert hit you?
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 7:28 pmnk, they have great cheap beer.
SPQR (26be8b) — 12/10/2010 @ 7:28 pmKind of brings “don’t touch my junk” to a whole new level, doesn’t it?
Ag80 (e828a4) — 12/10/2010 @ 7:45 pm“Kind of brings “don’t touch my junk” to a whole new level, doesn’t it?”
Ag80 – What the story fails to describe is the number of asylum seekers for which the test results in a happy ending.
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 7:52 pmdaley, well yeah, but seriously, experts??
Dana (8ba2fb) — 12/10/2010 @ 7:54 pmSeriously — a hat tip on phallometrics from Boing Boing?!
pipedreams (9731e0) — 12/10/2010 @ 8:46 pmI read decades ago that pupil dilation is also a gauge of sexual interest. I saw it, I think, in Playboy, in a very dark room.
Maybe they’ve been enjoying too much of it.
Dustin (b54cdc) — 12/10/2010 @ 8:50 pmpipedreams – You read Playboy? Seriously?
daleyrocks (c07dfa) — 12/10/2010 @ 10:18 pmDamn, I missed this thread. Aaron, aphrael (#14) is right; you didn’t bother to read the linked article (unless it changed since you linked to it). They’re not rejecting people for failing to get aroused by gay porn, but for getting aroused by straight porn. And as aphrael says, it’s not a good test, because straight porn still has guys in it. And, as DRJ says, bisexuals are in real trouble with this one.
#19, JD asks “who doesn’t like lesbian porn?” Anyone who’s put off by naked girls, that’s who. I’ll look at boobs if I have to, but there had damn well better be some good acting, witty dialogue, and a strong plot line!
Milhouse (1448a4) — 12/12/2010 @ 12:19 pmNaked girls are icky.
JD (eb5afc) — 12/12/2010 @ 12:25 pm