Patterico's Pontifications


If Allahpundit Wrote a Headline for This Story, It Would Be: “Blogger Crosses Legs and Winces”

Filed under: Dog Trainer — Patterico @ 9:44 pm

Or perhaps just . . .


The story is full of phrases like “excessive torque on the penis” and: “It is usually accompanied by a popping sound.”

I also learned the meaning of the word “taqaandan.” Now I’m trying as hard as I can to forget it.

Thank God they found room in this tiny newspaper for this lengthy story.

UPDATE: A knowledgeable source tells me the story was online only.

51 Responses to “If Allahpundit Wrote a Headline for This Story, It Would Be: “Blogger Crosses Legs and Winces””

  1. Several things, Patterico:

    1. How do you unread something like that article?

    2. Thanks for interfering in the personal lives of your male commenters for the next 48 hours or so (or unless we drink, or we are Allahpundit).

    3. I’m guessing that “taqaandan” is what you shriek in pain when the act is performed on you. It’s another example of onomatopoeia (which sounds like an STD, come to think of it).

    Speaking of which….

    4. I had a colleague who taught at Amherst College for many years. Every incoming student had to take a “science” course for their breadth requirement, and my colleague was his department’s “point man” on this service requirement. So he taught this first term freshman class for many years, and it was all about sexually transmitted diseases. He approached this subject from a historical perspective, a medical perspective, a chemical perspective, a sociological perspective, and so on. He had the most insanely lurid set of slides of men and women afflicted by advanced STDs I have ever seen or heard of. The funny part? He had a file drawer filled with “thank you” notes from parents.

    It seems his class made an impression on raging hormonal youths!

    5. Set the countdown clock for a denouncement and charge of racism from JD, please.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  2. The word “mishap” seems understated. Don’t forget Botox. Sure. I think my health insurance specifically excludes botox injections into my penis, but I have high hopes for our new national health care system

    SteveG (a87dae)

  3. “taqaandan” – no wonder the Iranians are so angry.

    I just wanted to slide in a comment to fill out the discussion, but I’ll leave before all the dick jokes start. I’ve hung out long enough.

    Apogee (f4320c)

  4. And if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!

    Official Internet Data Office (823589)

  5. I blame myself, I clicked the link. No, “unreading” is impossible.

    Two Dogs (61d7bd)

  6. Yeah, Tlove, but you are of the XX persuasion. Of course it is funny to you.

    Yep, it is all fun and games until someone shouts taqaandan. Or onomatopoeia.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  7. Hey! An alternative to waterboarding?

    Yeah, yeah. I denounce myself.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  8. Are you guys saying you have never suffered a penis injury during sex?

    TLove (012115)

  9. You are surely going to start a joke that ends with this punchline:

    …then you haven’t been doing it correctly.

    I don’t think many of us have experienced taqaandan, no. But I don’t mean to speak for all the other XY types who post here.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  10. I draw the line at “cracking it like a knuckle”
    but hey… what could possibly go wrong?

    SteveG (a87dae)

  11. Meanwhile…, Feb 10, 2009

    HBO has already ordered 10 episodes of “Hung,” which comes from creators Dmitry Lipkin and Colette Burson and director Alexander Payne.

    The series stars Thomas Jane as a high school basketball coach who learns to make the most of his leading asset, his rather exceptional physical endowment.

    Mark (411533)

  12. So Mr. Jane’s character might suffer from “taqaaaaaaaaaaandan,” then?

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  13. “Are you guys saying you have never suffered a penis injury during sex?”

    TLove – Alone or with somebody else? Animal, vegetable or mineral? You need to be specific for the morons here.

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  14. Eric – in part of the series opener, they simply show what appears to be a strategically placed tattoo of the word “tan” …

    Alasdair (6b086e)

  15. “He had the most insanely lurid set of slides of men and women afflicted by advanced STDs I have ever seen or heard of.”

    Eric – I thought they had a major in STDs at Amherst, freaking third rate ag school. Poofter Lord Jeffs.

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  16. taqaandan

    Patterico – I think Ehrenstein wrote a book on the subject. You might inquire.

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  17. Alasdair, that reminds me of the joke that ends up: “Ticondagora Industries of New York.”

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  18. daley, and penis injury will do…

    TLove (012115)

  19. Hey, daley:

    My wife attended Ephraim Junior’s institution, so she would agree with you whole heartedly.


    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  20. Eric – You married very well.

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  21. TLove – So you would include things like mishaps with vacum cleaners?

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  22. definitely. do tell…

    TLove (012115)

  23. Yep. I went to the Farm. So I definitely married up.

    Of course, as an undergrad, I attended UCLA. So my wife was slumming.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  24. whoa watch it…some of us are proud Bruins here…

    TLove (012115)

  25. Taqaandan…why?

    Joe (17aeff)

  26. Joe – the satisfying popping noise, of course.

    TLove (012115)

  27. Hey, TLove, I did get my B.A. from UCLA. But the alumni office is relentless. I’ll probably get a call tomorrow, based on this post.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  28. Satisfying to whom? Sadist? Masochist? Both?

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  29. EB, you were cheated. Everyone else who went to UCLA got BS!

    John Hitchcock (fb941d)

  30. TLove – I’m just asking for clarification, not confessing.

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  31. Darn. I was hoping for a good story.

    TLove (012115)

  32. TLove – We had some mighty hot steam radiators in college and there were some unfortunate turns I took from time to time in the middle of nocturnal activities while shifting positions that led to some shouts of less than pleasure when tender parts of my anatomy touched those suckers. More often it was naked buns than Mr. Happy, though.

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  33. Actually, John, that was funny. The degree titles were kinda random. So a Biology major received a B.A., but a Psychobiology major received a B.S. Even though the Biology major had more science-based requirements!

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  34. This one time, at band camp…

    John Hitchcock (fb941d)

  35. You know, daley, in some parts of the world folks pay extra for that kind of thing.

    I’m just sayin’.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  36. EB, I’m still trying to find an accredited school who will accept my life experience as a home-school teacher for college credit. Then maybe I could get a degree.

    John Hitchcock (fb941d)

  37. Eric – You know, some guys look forward to the finger wave during their annual physicals too.

    Just sayin’.

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  38. I’ll take your word for that one, daley.

    John, I don’t know enough about that kind of thing. Home schooling is tough, and you would think something could be worked out. But you have the best reward with your children, I think.

    Happy taqaandan to all, and to all a good night!

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  39. Eric – Would my doctor lie to me?

    daleyrocks (5d22c0)

  40. Okay, so the punch line:

    “…you only have to worry when you feel both of my hands on your shoulders…”

    I had a doctor actually say that once. No kidding. Sheesh.

    I denounce myself. NTTIAWWT.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  41. I tried a med mal case involving Peyronie’s Disease. It was one of those trials that generated a great many funny war stories, almost all of which would be in incredibly poor taste for me to repeat. But there is one I can tell, since it’s at my own expense (sort of):

    During the trial, I had occasion to cross-examine the urologist who did my own vasectomy — by happenstance, he’d also briefly treated the plaintiff in the case — who, understandably enough, didn’t recognize me with my pants on.

    I reminded him that he had diagnosed me with “acute fecundity anxiety” — the term of art which in turn triggers insurance coverage for the procedure under almost all medical plans. (You’d think they’d view it as elective surgery, but insurers realize it’s pound-wise to pay for this relatively safe and cheap surgical procedure that substantially reduces the number of dependents they might later have to cover.)

    I then asked him if he remembered what he’d said to the resident who was assisting him, right after they’d commented to one another that due to the nature of the anesthetic I’d just been given, I almost certainly wouldn’t remember anything that was then being said. He allowed that he couldn’t recall.

    I then asked, “So you don’t deny having then turned to the resident, with perhaps the biggest grin I’ve ever seen on any doctor’s face, and saying to him, ‘I’d do this procedure for free on every lawyer I could get my hand on — if only they’d let me!'” The good doctor allowed how he might well have said that, because it was and is true.

    Beldar (45ed7e)

  42. Yep, it is all fun and games until someone shouts taqaandan.

    Amen, racist brother.

    Tlove – One of my best friends used pumice lotion for a lubricant while practicing self love.

    Beldar – That is an outstanding story. Thanks.

    JD (c6800b)

  43. #43 Beldar: I just want to know why the plaintiff wouldn’t have recognized you with your pants on …

    EW1(SG) (e27928)

  44. Speaking of Allah writing headlines:

    Obama finally finds perfect role for Biden


    Pablo (99243e)

  45. hehehe. Pumice lotion!

    TLove (012115)

  46. Well, some folks find JD’s comments irritating. Not me, of course.

    Eric Blair (ec334b)

  47. Patterico;

    What brought that up?

    TC (0b9ca4)

  48. Oh wait, must be all the Stimulus praddle eh?

    TC (0b9ca4)

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