Patterico's Pontifications


Obama the Uniter

Filed under: 2008 Election,Humor — DRJ @ 1:04 pm

[Guest post by DRJ]

Barack Obama has been called a uniter, not a divider, even though he has been unable to unite more than two-thirds of his own Party behind his candidacy and Hillary Clinton is vowing to continue.

Nevertheless, in the spirit of unity, here are some ideas from a March 15 Larry Elder article suggesting how Obama can unite Americans:

Taxes: Barack Obama’s America blasts the Bush tax cuts for “unfairly” benefiting the rich. They intend to allow the Bush tax cuts to expire, with resulting higher taxes on income, capital gains and dividends.

The other America believes in limited government, low taxes, fewer regulations. They believe that individuals, rather than government, know how to best spend, save or invest their own money. This part of America feels that the Kennedy, Reagan and George W. Bush tax cuts actually benefited the economy by placing more capital in the hands of private actors, resulting in more jobs, greater productivity and higher net worth.

Obama’s solution: Shared sacrifice. If your last name begins with A through E, Obama will continue the Bush tax cuts. If your last name begins with F through L, Obama will allow the Bush tax cuts to expire. If your last name begins with M through Z, Obama will raise your taxes. Now the following fiscal year, those with last names beginning A through E face a tax increase. The F through L’s get the Bush tax cuts. And the L through Z’s will have their tax cuts expire. The next fiscal year, Obama will rearrange the cuts, depending, of course, on your last name, and will continue this rotation every year of his administration.

The Iraq war: Obama’s America considers the war a failure, a war that “never should have been authorized, and never should have been aged.” They feel the Iraq war makes Americans less safe, causes us to take our eye off the ball in Afghanistan, infuriates our allies, and uses funds better spent elsewhere.

The other America feels that, however we got into Iraq, leaving precipitously emboldens our enemies, creates a safe haven for terrorism, and gives Iran – an avowed enemy of America and a country pursuing nuclear weapons – a dangerous and destabilizing influence over oil-rich Iraq. This part of America believes we cannot in good conscience leave without ensuring Iraq’s stability because that would endanger our own. This part of America agrees with former Secretary of State James Baker, “[I]f we picked up and left right now, you would see the biggest civil war you’ve ever seen. Every neighboring country would be involved in there, doing its own thing, Turkey, Iran, Syria, you name it, and even our friends in the Gulf.”

Obama’s solution: Withdraw all troops by the year 2009. Then send them back in 2010, followed by their return to America in 2011, with another redeployment to Iraq in 2012. These on/off, every-other-year rotations would continue throughout his presidency. This satisfies those who want the troops home immediately. But it also appeases those who consider our national security dependent upon a military presence in Iraq. This policy also confuses our enemy, since they never know whether we are coming or going.”

Elder also offers solutions for Obama on health care and global warming. It’s funny stuff. Sometimes ideas are funniest when they are almost true.


9 Responses to “Obama the Uniter”

  1. I would be intetested in examples of Baracky actually reaching across the aisle and uniting. So far, he seems to have united the Left and the far Left.

    JD (5f0e11)

  2. I’d be interested in Obama actually “changing” something … other than his net worth.

    SPQR (a261d3)

  3. Hmmm … I geuss they’ll ban name changes then.

    Kevin Murphy (805c5b)

  4. Actually, the “Obama’s solution” for Iraq sounds quite a bit like his plan. He would withdraw the troops but keep a “rapid reaction force” available to do something. I don’t know where they’d be (Murtha suggested Okinawa) and how they would be supported but that’s what he would do. I guess that means going back in when CNN shows the genocide of Sunnis and Kurds.

    Mike K (86bddb)

  5. Yes, you forgot to mention Obama’s Strike Force!

    His plan for Iraq suggests his military knowledge consists of a deep familiarity with Chuck Norris movies.

    the wolf (a7bcae)

  6. This ‘Other America’ has gotten its shot, don’t you think? 6 years of the House, 4 years of the Senate, 8 years of the Presidency…. and 81% of Americans think we’re on the wrong track. This ‘Other America’ needs to go sit in the corner for a few years and think about what it’s done.

    Levi (76ef55)

  7. Let’s use Levi’s standards. I know, don’t laugh.

    The Democratic Congress has approval ratings almost half of what President Bush’s dismal ratings are. Shouldn’t they excuse themselves?

    JD (75f5c3)

  8. Let’s use Levi’s standards. I know, don’t laugh.

    The Democratic Congress has approval ratings almost half of what President Bush’s dismal ratings are. Shouldn’t they excuse themselves?

    First of all, the Democrats inherited some pretty dismal approval ratings from the Republican Congress. That’s not to say they’ve done a better job, they haven’t. But those low numbers are hardly all of the Democrats’ fault.

    I’m just taking issue with this guy hoping that Obama will listen to “Other America,’ which is a not so subtle way of saying the Republican base, and pretending that they’re somehow a kind of marginalized or silenced or oppressed silent majority. In fact, ‘Other America’ has had free reign to do whatever they feel like with the government, and they’ve done as bad a job as one could imagine with it. And he thinks they deserve another chance? Gimme a break.

    Levi (76ef55)

  9. Okay, can someone please PLEASE tell me if this Levi guy is a real person, a real persona, or is he the equivalent of JIM or fluffyjacket over at Shark Tank? Because I cannot believe any halfway sane person could hold the opinions he does and communicate them clearly, coherently and generally without obscenities and blasphemies. I just cannot.

    Or is he just a general all-round troll whose sole purpose is to enflame and anger even relatively placid lurkers such as your humble self from the antipodes?

    Gregory (f7735e)

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