Patterico's Pontifications

This one can be about the Kos-Armstrong blogola scandal.

Patterico (50c3cd) — 6/20/2006 @ 6:02 pm

Nope, I’m hijacking it. It’s going to be about jokes you can tell to your daughter.

A little guy, about five feet tall and a hundred pounds soaking wet, walks into a coffee shop. He sits down, holds up one finger to the waitress and snaps, “Miss, a coffee”. He drinks his coffee then stands up and says, “I’m not going to pay for this coffee because I’m tough and I’m not afraid of anybody”. The waitress looks at the owner, they both think it’s kind of cute, and they let the little guy just walk out.

The next day, the same story. The little guy comes back to the coffee shop. He sits down, holds up one finger to the waitress and snaps, “Miss, a coffee”. He drinks his coffee then stands up and says, “I’m not going to pay for this coffee because I’m tough and I’m not afraid of anybody”.

The owner and the waitress still think it’s cute but they also think one good joke deserves another. The owner finds one of his cousins, six foot six and three hundred pounds of muscle, tells him the story and asks him to be at the coffee shop at around the same time the little guy has been coming in.

Sure enough, the next day the little guy comes into the coffee shop and sits down. Before he has a chance to say anything the cousin lumbers over and says, “I hear you’re tough and not afraid of anybody”.

The little guy says, “That’s right”.

The cousin says, “Well, I’m also tough and not afraid of anybody either”.

And the little guys holds up two fingers to the waitress and snaps, “Miss, two coffees”.

nk (956ea1) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:07 pm

That’s cute. But you should have hijacked Xrlq’s lame “closed thread” open thread. Now this has to be about Kos/Armstrong *and* good clean jokes.

Actually, you know, not long ago I had a thread about punch-lines to jokes (which were not necessarily dirty, but which, I think, many were), and I’m curious to hear some of the jokes.

If anyone reading this wants to share the actual joke, feel free.

Patterico (50c3cd) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:13 pm

I’m sticking with NK’s theme. A young Indian (aborignal American) lad asks his chief where everyone gets their unusual names. The chief replied, “We’re all named after the first thing the witch doctor saw after we’re born. For example, shen I was born, the first thing they saw was a bull running across the field. That’s why my name is Running Bull. So why do you ask, Three Dogs Fucking?”

What? I thought this thread was supposed to be about jokes you can tell to your daughter, not jokes you should tell to your daughter.

Xrlq (f8b526) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:27 pm

Nothing wrong with teaching your kid not to believe everything a priest says.

An eight-year old boy, recently having immigrated to America from Soviet Russia, goes to catechism for the first time. Afterwards, his mother asks him what they taught him. He says:

“They told us about Exodus. How Moses marshalled the twelve tribes of Israel and marched them out of Egypt. And how the Pharaoh changed his mind about letting them go and sent his tanks after them. And when they came to the Red Sea, the Israeli Army Corps of Engineers built pontoon bridges and all the Israelites were able to cross. And when the Pharaoh’s tanks tried to cross, Moses radioed to the Israeli Air Force and the Israeli war-planes bombed the pontoon bridges and all the Pharaoh’s tanks were drowned.”

Aghast, his mother asked, “Is that what they told you?”

And he said, “No, you wouldn’t believe what they tried to tell me”.

nk (4cd0c2) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:47 pm

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.

What? It could happen.

Xrlq (f8b526) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:51 pm

You already told that one on this blog.

But hey, it’s worth repeating.

Patterico (50c3cd) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:53 pm

My punch line was about blowing chunks. You guys know that joke?

Patterico (50c3cd) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:53 pm

Nope. Tell it. nk, that Exodus thing is hysterical, I’m gonna have to use that.

Anwyn (01a5cc) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:57 pm

I looked that one up when you first posted the punch line – you’re one sick puppy Patterico.

(I’m joking.)

Psyberian (dd13d6) — 6/20/2006 @ 8:59 pm

Two Irish guys are sitting next to each other at the pub. They start a conversation:

“You look familiar.”

“Yeah, I think I know you too.”

“Where did you grow up?”

“Bridgeport.”

“Hey, me too. Where did you go to school?”

“St. Mary’s”

“Hey, me too. What year?”

At that point the owner walks out and asks the barmaid what’s going on. She says “Nothing much, the O’Malley twins are drunk again”.

nk (77d95e) — 6/20/2006 @ 9:03 pm

You already told that one on this blog.

Which one? The sober Irish, or the menage a chiens?

Xrlq (f8b526) — 6/20/2006 @ 9:04 pm

Sober Irish.

Patterico (50c3cd) — 6/20/2006 @ 9:05 pm

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, “Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says, “No”.
So the bear picks him up and wipes his butt with him.

Veeshir (5f9b87) — 6/21/2006 @ 3:49 am

St. Michael sees God hard at work. He asks, “What are you doing, Lord?” God replies, “I am making the world”. St. Michael asks, “What’s your plan?” God points and says, “See for yourself. I’m aiming for balance. Craggy mountains and flat plains. Arid deserts and lush valleys. Cold winters and warm summers. Friendly herbivores and vicious carnivores. High flying eagles and crawling snakes. … But you get the point”.

St. Michael looks closely and says, “Wait a minute, you missed a spot. How about this beautiful island in the North Atlantic? It’s always green, never too hot or too cold, no snakes or wolves, no deserts, no inhospitable mountains. Where’s the balance there?”

God says: “Wait till you see what bastards I’m giving them for neighbors”

nk (35ba30) — 6/21/2006 @ 5:12 am

i own the world’s best cat!
two general stores, lafite and thibodeaux, face each other across a sun-baked highway in southern louisiana. similar square footages, parking lots and product lines, but lafite was a successful, bustling enterprise, and thibodeaux never had more than one or two cars in the lot at any time. one day thibodeaux decided to go across the highway and visit lafite, to learn the secret of his success. lafite was a friendly guy, after shaking hands with thibodeaux, a customer entered his store and asked him if he had any grass seed.
“why yes, we have grass seed” said lafite, and as he was getting the grass seed, he asked the customer “are you equipped with a nice long hose in good condition to water your grass?” the customer said no, and asked lafite to put a hose on the order too. lafite did so, and told the customer “you’ll probably need 100 pounds of lawn fertilizer to make this happen right” and when the customer acknowledged that this was so, lafite added the fertilizer to the order. finally, lafite asked the customer “could i possibly interest you in a gas-powered, top of the line, supersnazzy lawnmower with all the bells and whistles? it’s the kind of machine which is basically reserved for a man of your elevated station in society.” the customer thought about this and finally acknowledged that he was entitled to purchase the lawnmower too. after the customer left with over $500 in goods, lafite told thibodeaux the secret of retail success. “all the time, you gotta push de produck. push de produck. push de produck.”
thibodeaux returned to his own store. a minute later marie, a local woman, walked in. thibodeaux greeted her “how all is, marie?” marie replied “all is not so good mister thibodeaux. i’m having my period now and i’m all out of tampons. you do carry tampons don’t you?” as thibodeaux went to the shelf to get her a package of tampons, through his head was going the mantra “push de produck, push de produck” so when he arrived at the counter and set the package of tampons on it, he asked marie:
“could i possibly interest you in a gas-powered, top of the line, supersnazzy lawnmower with all the bells and whistles to go with your tampons? it’s the kind of machine which is basically reserved for a woman of your elevated station in society.”
marie looked at thibodeaux with an odd expression. “why on earth would i want a gas-powered, top of the line, supersnazzy lawnmower with all the bells and whistles to go with my tampons?”
“well” said thibodeaux “since you’re obviously in no condition to fool around, you might as well cut the grass.”

assistant devil's advocate (85066e) — 6/21/2006 @ 7:55 am

My Methodist Minister Grandfather’s favorite joke:

The Deep South, sometime in the 1930’s. A huge Tent Revival meeting is taking place. The big tent is full of White Crackers in the throes of Religious Fever. A (White) choir is singing its guts out, and three fat, bull-voiced revival Preachers are working the crowd. As the congregation starts swaying in unison, and half a dozen impressionable young women being speaking in tongues, the lead Preacher takes up the cry “Take me now, LORD! Take me now!”

The it a tremendous flash of light, a crash of thunder, and he’s gone.

Not unnaturally, the Revival is somewhat taken aback. It takes some time for the two remaining Preachers to get the thing going full blast again, but when they do there is another tremendous flash, and the lead Preacher is back.

Everybody crowds around him, asking questions. He looks dazed and more than a little shaken.

“What happened? What happened?”

“I was taken up into Heaven.”

“Is it as wonderful as we have been told?”

“No, if anything its better.”

“Did you see God?”

“Yes, I was allowed to stand before the naked Face of God.”

“What did God say? What should we do? What should we know about God?”

“Well…… to begin with, She’s Black”

C. S. P. Schofield (c1cf21) — 6/21/2006 @ 9:59 am

” Waco’s SPOOF of Britney Spears Dateline Today Show Interview ”

Yeah I know. Britney Spears, who cares. But if anyone loves pure comedy gold, the original clip is pretty funny… the parody is a RIOT (“How’s your marriage?”)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rr_RAMPt6GU&search=britney%20spears%20today

Vermont Neighbor (a9ae2c) — 6/21/2006 @ 10:21 am

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

USN Doc (075db9) — 6/21/2006 @ 2:04 pm

When, I went into private practice, I gave up doing divorce work after about eight cases although I remained available for pro bono enforcent of child support. This could have been one of my clients:

A lady makes an appointment with a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. After the preliminaries, the lawyer says, “This is not a no-fault state. We need grounds.”

The lady says, “We have about a quarter of an acre”.

Taken aback, the lawyer says, “No maam, I meant what’s your grudge?”

The lady says, “We don’t have a garage but we have a driveway. We park there”.

The lawyer make another valiant effort, “Maam, I meant something like ‘does he beat you up?'”

The lady says, “No, I have to be at work by nine but he can sleep later because he’s on the eleven to seven shift”.

Finally, the lawyer asks, “Lady, why do you want to divorce your husband?”

She replies, “He cannot carry on an intelligent conversation”.

nk (4cd0c2) — 6/21/2006 @ 2:29 pm

This one does not violate my rule, jokes you can tell your daughter, because I was forced to read it in my freshman high school English class (it’s from Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath”) and for one more reason which will be obvious:

The farmboy is assigned to take the cow to the next farm which has a bull. The farmer with the bull happens to have a daughter. So they let the cow into the bull’s pasture and the farmboy and farmgirl sit together on the backsteps watching what a bull and a cow in season do when they get together. This gives the farmboy ideas so he turns to the farmgirl and says, “Gee, I wish I were doing that”. And she says, “Well, why don’t you, John? It’s your cow”.

nk (32c481) — 6/22/2006 @ 10:46 am

6/20/2006

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