The payoff is the last paragraph, but somehow it seems funnier to read it all in context, alongside the more serious entries.
October 23, 2013
Campus Watch: Below is a summary of campus activity reported to or observed by the University Police Department between Friday, 10/18/13 and Wednesday, 10/23/13.
GREGORY GYM, 2101 SPEEDWAY STREET
Theft: A UT Student reported his iPhone 5 as stolen from the Gregory Gym basketball court area. Estimated Loss Value: $400.00 Occurred on: 10/22/13, at 8:00 PM.
JESTER WEST, 201 EAST 21ST STREET
Theft: A Non-UT subject reported his black Galaxy S4 phone as stolen from the Jester Academic area. Estimated Loss Value: $300.00 Occurred on: 10/20/13, at 6:59 PM.
Assault, Criminal Trespass: A Non-UT male subject was seen yelling at a Non-UT female subject in the 2000 block of Speedway. The male subject struck the female subject causing her to fall to the ground before fleeing the area. A UT Police Officer responded to the area and arrested the subject for Assault and Criminal Trespass. The subject was transported to Central Booking and was released to TCSO personnel. Occurred on: 10/20/13, at 1:10 PM.
2400 TRINITY STREET
Graffiti, Criminal Mischief: A UT Student reported seeing Texas A&M themed markings made in white spray paint on the tiger statue near the Texas Memorial Museum. Additional markings were found around the Doty Fine Arts, Thompson Conference Center, LBJ Library and Performing Arts Center areas. All of the additional markings were made in maroon and white spray paint. Coincidentally the Texas A&M football team had a devastating loss to the Auburn Tigers earlier the same day. Unlike the Texas A&M loss, these blemishes found on campus can and will be removed as soon as possible. Estimated Removal Cost: $525.00 Occurred on: 10/20/13, at 4:49 AM.
The Magic 8-Ball, manufactured by Mattel, contains a 20-sided die floating in a combination of alcohol and dissolved dark blue dye. It is to be used for entertainment purposes only, says Mattel spokesman Matt Mason. Yet some believe the device can foretell the future.
A well-placed Republican source who found the New Jersey Governor’s Office phone number on the Internet disclosed the early answers were not encouraging, but have shifted in recent days. “When I first shook the Magic 8-Ball, it kept coming up ‘Don’t Count On It’ and ‘My Sources Say No.’ But after 15 to 20 shakes, I got ‘Ask Again Later.’ So I kept trying, and got ‘Outlook Good.’ ”
“I believe he is really considering it,” one fundraiser told Patterico (institutionally, by which I mean me). At least one DC-based blogger is similarly confident: “I’ve had the candles burning continuously at the handmade Christie shrine in my back closet for at least a week now. Something has to happen.”
The sources contacting me for this exclusive stressed the importance of maintaining their anonymity. “The whole effort falls apart if we go public,” one source insisted. “It is simply impossible to create the image of pressure on Christie if the same four names turn up in story after story about him announcing next week that never come true.”
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, “Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. “Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!”
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed …
I shut up and took out the trash. Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
Stone Brewing Co. makes beer but it also sells gourmet mustards made with its beer … until recently:
“I thought it was a joke at first, but Greg Koch, CEO of Escondido’s Stone Brewing Co., font of attitudinally challenged beers, assures me it’s not — two of Stone’s gourmet mustards, supposedly made with beer, were not.
The company hired to make Stone Cali-Belgique IPA Cali-Dijon Mustard and Stone Pale Ale Stone Ground Mustard with Chipotle Peppers did not include the beer, Koch said Monday. I had called Stone after being told that the company’s press release, issued last week, was not a promotional stunt. It was an infamous chapter in the annuals of zymurgy.
Koch said Stone supplied full kegs of beer, the kegs came back empty — but not because it was placed in the mustard.”
Why I have opted out of this event? It depresses me that our culture has reached such a level of debasement that I feel compelled to list the reasons. Firstly, it is a well known codicil of Islamic law that visual depictions of their holy prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) are strictly prohibited. Like all religions we should respect their views, and the cartoons (which incidentally I have proudly refused to even glance at) seem only to cause hurt. Yes, they hurt the feeling of millions of Muslims. But, ultimately, they also hurt the misguided cartoonists who produce them. Because let’s face it: having a rusty scimitar hack through your neck can’t be a walk in the park.
Second, it violates my American sense of fair play. I firmly believe all religions deserve my respect — depending on how they respect me. Yes, it is true that in the past I have sometimes made fun of various world religious faiths: Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddism, Rastafari, Wicca, Scientology, Global Warmingism, that filthy cult of Wisconsin Synod Lutherans. Equally, without malice, and without issue. But trust me, once any of them starts emailing me credible violent death threats, I guarantee they’re gonna start challenging Islam for top spot in Dave’s weekly religion respect rankings.
Heh. I should note that there are people who did have valid and principled reasons not to participate, and so I don’t agree with any implicit message that people didn’t participate out of cowardice. But the guy is so funny, the way he words things, that I couldn’t pass up the chance to link it.