Patterico's Pontifications


The Onion: Brain-Dead Teen, Capable of Only Rolling Eyes and Texting, To Be Euthanized

Filed under: General,Humor — Patterico @ 6:44 pm

Brilliant. (Oldie but a goodie.)


World’s Worst Driver Tries to Back Out of Parking Space

Filed under: Humor — Patterico @ 10:06 pm

I laughed quite a bit watching this.


EXCLUSIVE!!!!! Obama’s Selfie with Gwyneth Paltrow

Filed under: Humor — Patterico @ 6:24 pm

A reader was there and captured the moment:

Screen Shot 2014-10-11 at 6.19.27 PM

Thanks to S.U.


Someone Writing the UT-Austin Police Blotter Has a Sense of Humor

Filed under: General,Humor — Patterico @ 7:10 pm

The payoff is the last paragraph, but somehow it seems funnier to read it all in context, alongside the more serious entries.

October 23, 2013

Campus Watch: Below is a summary of campus activity reported to or observed by the University Police Department between Friday, 10/18/13 and Wednesday, 10/23/13.

Theft: A UT Student reported his iPhone 5 as stolen from the Gregory Gym basketball court area. Estimated Loss Value: $400.00 Occurred on: 10/22/13, at 8:00 PM.

Theft: A Non-UT subject reported his black Galaxy S4 phone as stolen from the Jester Academic area. Estimated Loss Value: $300.00 Occurred on: 10/20/13, at 6:59 PM.

Assault, Criminal Trespass: A Non-UT male subject was seen yelling at a Non-UT female subject in the 2000 block of Speedway. The male subject struck the female subject causing her to fall to the ground before fleeing the area. A UT Police Officer responded to the area and arrested the subject for Assault and Criminal Trespass. The subject was transported to Central Booking and was released to TCSO personnel. Occurred on: 10/20/13, at 1:10 PM.

Graffiti, Criminal Mischief: A UT Student reported seeing Texas A&M themed markings made in white spray paint on the tiger statue near the Texas Memorial Museum. Additional markings were found around the Doty Fine Arts, Thompson Conference Center, LBJ Library and Performing Arts Center areas. All of the additional markings were made in maroon and white spray paint. Coincidentally the Texas A&M football team had a devastating loss to the Auburn Tigers earlier the same day. Unlike the Texas A&M loss, these blemishes found on campus can and will be removed as soon as possible. Estimated Removal Cost: $525.00 Occurred on: 10/20/13, at 4:49 AM.

Hook ’em Horns!

Thanks to a tipster.


Dogs Panic at Obama Speech

Filed under: Humor,Obama — Patterico @ 3:14 pm

President Obama yesterday gave a speech in Nevada that drew dozens.

A reader obtained this exclusive photo:

Apparently the canine world has gotten the word about the President’s culinary habits.


Christie 2012? Signs Point To Yes!

Filed under: 2012 Election,Humor — Karl @ 7:55 am

[Posted by Karl]

Aides to New Jersey Republican Gov. Chris Christie say he hasn’t budged from his months-long insistence that he won’t enter the presidential fray. Nothing has changed in Christie’s thinking. However, Christie’s potential candidacy has been an increasingly fevered fantasy of a certain cadre of some media and business elites — mostly based in New York, with a smattering of California technology and entertainment players — since last summer.  These elites do not take no for an answer. Now, relying on an unusual source, they have reason to hope Christie will change his mind.

The Magic 8-Ball, manufactured by Mattel, contains a 20-sided die floating in a combination of alcohol and dissolved dark blue dye.  It is to be used for entertainment purposes only, says Mattel spokesman Matt Mason.  Yet some believe the device can foretell the future.

A well-placed Republican source who found the New Jersey Governor’s Office phone number on the Internet disclosed the early answers were not encouraging, but have shifted in recent days. “When I first shook the Magic 8-Ball, it kept coming up ‘Don’t Count On It’ and ‘My Sources Say No.’  But after 15 to 20 shakes, I got ‘Ask Again Later.’ So I kept trying, and got ‘Outlook Good.’ ” 

“I believe he is really considering it,” one fundraiser told Patterico (institutionally, by which I mean me).  At least one DC-based blogger is similarly confident: “I’ve had the candles burning continuously at the handmade Christie shrine in my back closet for at least a week now. Something has to happen.”

The sources contacting me for this exclusive stressed the importance of maintaining their anonymity. “The whole effort falls apart if we go public,” one source insisted. “It is simply impossible to create the image of pressure on Christie if the same four names turn up in story after story about him announcing next week that never come true.”



Anthony Weiner’s Rehab Continues!

Filed under: General,Humor — Patterico @ 4:36 pm

P.S: Just so it’s clear, there is no proof this is actually Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account. I just thought the screencap was funny.

And hey — maybe it is him! On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.


Photo: Just How Filthy Is Your Computer Keyboard?

Filed under: General,Humor,Real Life — Patterico @ 11:59 pm

Pretty damn filthy. At least, if it’s half as filthy as my daughter’s science fair project suggests:




Filed under: Humor — DRJ @ 12:15 pm

[Guest post by DRJ]

From an email I received today:

After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, “Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. “Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!”

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed …

I shut up and took out the trash. Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!



The Case of the Missing Beer

Filed under: Humor — DRJ @ 3:15 pm

[Guest post by DRJ]

Stone Brewing Co. makes beer but it also sells gourmet mustards made with its beer … until recently:

“I thought it was a joke at first, but Greg Koch, CEO of Escondido’s Stone Brewing Co., font of attitudinally challenged beers, assures me it’s not — two of Stone’s gourmet mustards, supposedly made with beer, were not.

The company hired to make Stone Cali-Belgique IPA Cali-Dijon Mustard and Stone Pale Ale Stone Ground Mustard with Chipotle Peppers did not include the beer, Koch said Monday. I had called Stone after being told that the company’s press release, issued last week, was not a promotional stunt. It was an infamous chapter in the annuals of zymurgy.

Koch said Stone supplied full kegs of beer, the kegs came back empty — but not because it was placed in the mustard.”

Keg Party!

Bradley J. Fikes and the Consumerist look into The Case of the Missing Beer in a post Bradley cleverly calls “Stone Brewing Says Supplier Didn’t Cut The Mustard.”


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