Patterico's Pontifications

8/16/2019

Have I Got A Joke For You…

Filed under: General — Dana @ 1:30 pm



[guest post by Dana]

it’s National Tell A Joke Day! I’m terrible at telling jokes in person because I always start laughing when delivering the punchline, so no one ever hears it. I get laughed at, but not my joke. Sad. Anyway, this post is meant for all you funny guys out there that keep us laughing (or smirking) at your clever jokes and witticisms.

Here’s a cute one I saw online:

“Doctor, doctor every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy”

“How long have you been getting these disney spells?”

Your turn.

–Dana

63 Responses to “Have I Got A Joke For You…”

  1. Yes, I can hear the groans…

    Dana (39f821)

  2. Why should you always serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap?

    There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

    harkin (58d012)

  3. The difference between a bad golfer and a bad parachutist?
    With the bad golfer, you hear WHACK! and then “damn!”

    Paul Montagu (e7d63b)

  4. My son asked me how it felt to have the best son in the world. I said, “I don’t know, ask your grandpa.”

    Chuck Bartowski (bc1c71)

  5. I just found out that cock fighting uses chickens. There goes four months of training wasted.

    Chuck Bartowski (bc1c71)

  6. Lol!

    Dana (fdf131)

  7. A professor (named Dave)created a clone.
    The only problem was the clone’s propensity for obscenity.

    A scientific meeting high atop the Trump–OK Empire state building was in process.
    They asked the professor to display the clone.
    The audience was stunned at the remarkable display.
    “What genius!” they whispered.

    But the clone began to utter one obscenity after the other.
    The professor was furious at being embarrassed in front of the assembled geniuses.
    He took the clone to the window and threw him out.

    Dozens of professors ran to the window and watched the clone hit the concrete.
    The police were called.
    The professor sneered: “It was a clone not a human. What are you going to arrest me for?”

    The NYPD detective nibbled on his pencil a minute.
    Then told the officers “book him.”
    “What for?” asked the professor?
    The detective said…….

    wait for it……..

    Ok here is what he said….

    “Making an obscene clone fall.”

    Harcourt Fenton Mudd (0c349e)

  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
    “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
    “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  10. 5… that’s a keeper!

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  11. The Scots have their own special word in golf for “mulligan”. It’s called a stroke.

    Paul Montagu (e7d63b)

  12. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
    “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
    “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  13. Mahatma Gandhi, as most of us know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him…

    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  14. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  15. Back when I was teaching, and it didn’t matter if I was a student teacher for a semester, or a substitute teacher for a day, of a full-time teacher for a year, I would start off every class with a stupid knock-knock joke. What happens when you do that is you get all this kids coming up with stupid knock-knock jokes. After twenty years, I became an encyclopedia of stupid knock-knock jokes.

    Here are some of the better ones.

    Knock knock

    Who’s there?

    Stach.

    Statch who?

    (Pose like Rodin’s the Thinker statue. Wait for the laughter when they get it.)

    Knock knock

    Who’s there?

    Who.

    Who who?

    Oh look, an owl.

    This is the absolute best knock-knock joke though. You get all these kids telling stupid knock-knock jokes every day. So you tell them, I’ve got a knock-knock joke. You start it.

    They all say, “Knock knock!”

    I say, “Come in.”

    Works every time. You’d be surprised at how many people will fall for that stupid setup. It doesn’t matter, I’m telling you because I have decades of experience with knock-knock jokes. It doesn’t matter the grade level or the professional level, you just get people telling knock-knock, and tell them to start one. And they all fall for it.

    Knock knock.

    Come in.

    The joke is on the one making the knock-knock joke. It’s classic Vaudeville. Who is the straight man and who is the clown?

    Gawain's Ghost (b25cd1)

  16. Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.

    As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. “Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.

    “But I don’t have an erection,” I replied.

    “Well, I do.” replied the nurse.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  17. The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
    Ashley said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

    One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
    “What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
    “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
    “Very good,” said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.'”

    “That was a fine story Sarah.

    Joey, do you have a story to share?”

    “Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”

    “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?”

    “Stay the f*ck away from Aunt Carol when she’s been drinking.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  18. Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells, “Free drinks for everyone!”

    People in the bar: “yayyyyyyyy!!!!!”

    Bernie: “OK… who’s buying?”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  19. I saw on the news that a local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I was flabbergasted! I’ve been going to this guy for years, and I had no idea he was a barber.

    Chuck Bartowski (bc1c71)

  20. We had a surprise drug test at work today. Mine came out negative. My dealer has some explaining to do.

    Chuck Bartowski (bc1c71)

  21. An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

    COLD BEER: $5.00
    HAMBURGER: $10.00
    CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
    HAND JOB: $250.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

    She glides down behind the bar across from the old golfer.
    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

    The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

    She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

    The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really, really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  22. Mickey Mouse goes to a divorce lawyer to start proceedings against Minnie. When he explains his reasons the lawyer tells him he can’t get a divorce simply because his wife is a little scatterbrained.

    “I didn’t say she was scatterbrained. I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!”

    C. S. P. Schofield (9eb8bc)

  23. Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE….

    It takes less than 15 seconds..

    If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test

    How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
    1. _ _NDOM
    2. F_ _K
    3. P_N_S
    4. PU_S_
    5. S_X
    6. BOO_S

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Answers:
    1. RANDOM
    2. FORK
    3. PANTS
    4. PULSE
    5. SIX
    6. BOOKS

    You got all 6 wrong…didn’t you?

    The good news is: You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.

    However, you are a pervert.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  24. As a youth I worked at an old-school movie theatre as the Head of Display, a rather grandiose title which simply meant I was in charge of climbing the ladder to put up the four-foot-tall metal letters that spelled out the name of that week’s feature. Not a demanding job, but one from which I learned a great piece of wisdom one fateful night, when the manager called me in a panic. “Your Y has dropped off!” he said, which was more urgent than you might think because the film we were showing that week was MY FAIR LADY — not that the neighbourhood was particularly narrow-minded, but we didn’t want to disappoint audiences showing up expecting something different.

    Unfortunately there was no spare Y in the storage room, so I was reduced to stealing one from a theatre down the street. Soon enough the fair name of MY FAIR LADY was restored — although the neighbouring theatre, which had been showing a magnificent classic with Orson Welles in the title role, now appeared to be showing a film called MOB DICK. But that’s, as I felt myself entitled to say for the first time, show business.

    I’ve had a warm feeling for the film version of Melville’s great novel ever since; indeed, I’d advise any aspiring Head of Display in a similar predicament to search round for a theatre showing it. You’ll find what I found: Where there’s a whale, there’s a Y.

    Stephen J. (3046cb)

  25. Once there was a very rich king. His most prized possession was his great golden crown which he valued above all else.

    One day, he was visited by the Count of Dunberg. He held a feast in honor of the count, and after much merrymaking, they all went to their bedchambers.

    The next day the king woke up to find that the count and the king’s crown were both gone. The king sent out his soldiers to find and bring back the count so he could have his treasure back.

    The count was found the next day and was brought before the king. He refused to say where the crown was, even upon threat of torture. The king, being very angry with the count, called the executioner. The count was made to lean over a wooden stump while the executioner sharpened his hatchet.

    ‘I will give you one last chance to tell me where it is, count.’ said the king.

    ‘Never!’ The count said, and spat at the king’s feet.

    The king motioned to the executioner and sat back to watch the show. The executioner raised his hatchet, holding it over the count’s neck. The count was sweating buckets as the hatchet was slowly raised.

    As the hatchet quickly fell, just before it connected, the count screamed ‘WAIT I’LL TALK I’LL TALK!!!’. But it was to late. CHOP! the count’s head rolled to the floor.

    The king never found his greatest treasure. The kingdom fell apart, and its people learned a valuable lesson:

    Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.

    Kevin M (21ca15)

  26. A vintage DC-3 takes off from San Antonio on a flight to Santa Fe. On board, besides the pilot, are four passengers: a Frenchman, a Briton, a Mexican and an American. The plane climbs to 8,000 feet then the engines suddenly start to sputter. The pilot looks outside and sees only desert terrain below and announces, ‘We’ve got to lighten the load or we’ll crash. See what you can do!’ The passengers quickly scrounge, open the door and toss out every loose item they can find– cushions, food trays, luggage… even some seats… everything.

    But the plane continues go down. The pilot says, ‘We’re still not light enough! Is there anything else?’ Courageously, the Frenchman stand up and shouts, “Vive La France!”– and jumps out of the plane. Splat. Still, the plane is dropping. Down to 4,000 feet. The pilot shouts, “Not enough, we’re still going down! Anything more?” The brave Briton stands up, salutes and says, “God save the Queen” and hurls himself out of the DC-3. Splat. Still the plane keeps dropping. Desperately, the pilot pleads, “Is there anything more you can do?” The American stands up, shouts, “Remember the Alamo!”– picks up the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

    DCSCA (797bc0)

  27. Who is the straight man and who is the clown?

    Who’s on first, you moron.

    Kevin M (21ca15)

  28. What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

    Drunks don’t go to meetings…

    Jeff Lebowski (0b16c9)

  29. #25. I thought maybe that tired old racist joke would end in some ironically different way. Guess not.

    Kevin M (21ca15)

  30. Drunks don’t go to meetings…

    That depends on the cookies.

    Kevin M (21ca15)

  31. Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: “Where have you been? Haven’t seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?”

    “I can’t. I have a lecture in an hour.”

    “A lecture? Aren’t you too old to study?”

    “You’re never too old to study the logic.”

    “Logic?”, Mitch shakes his head, “what is that supposed to be?”

    “Let me give you an example. Which of your belongings at home gives you the most joy?”

    “I got an aquarium. Neat little thing, with a chest where bubbles come out and…”

    “So you like fish.”, Nick comes a bit closer, “Now look how logic will lead us further: You like fish, so you like the sea. You like the sea, so you like the beach. You like the beach, so you like the young women there. Young women in Bikinis. Tanned.”

    “Yes!Yes! I like how logic brought us to the women!”

    “And if you like all that, it means you are a man! That is logic!”

    “I see! That is indeed amazing!”

    Nick looks at his watch. “I have to go now. Don’t want to be late.”

    “Yes, you should not be late. Go and learn more wise things to teach us, my friend!”

    Mitch is a bit proud about Nick and does not notice that Pete approaches him.

    “Hey Mitch. Was that Nick? What’s up with him these day? Will he join us later?”

    “No, he won’t. Nick is a man of science now. He studys the logic.”

    “Logic? What is that?”

    “Let me give you an example, since I do know a thing or two myself: Do you have an aquarium?”

    “No.”

    “Then you’re gay.”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  32. Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
    The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  33. Two old retired gentlemen, one 72 and one 75, were sitting on a park
    bench one morning.

    The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short
    of breath. The 72-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked
    him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 75year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

    So, on the way home the 72-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

    He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”

    She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

    He said, “I want five loaves.”

    She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

    He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me.”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  34. #26: the “you moron” was part of the joke, of course.

    Kevin M (21ca15)

  35. Doctor: Mr. Kaplan we have your test results. You have…let’s see…cancer and also Alzheimer’s. Kaplan: Oh no that’s terrible! But at least I don’t have cancer.

    Kaplan: Doctor, doctor, did you get my test results? Doctor: Ah yes Mr. Kaplan. Well, for you I have bad news and worse news. Kaplan: Oh no! Give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Kaplan: That’s the bad news? What could be worse than that? Doctor: I forgot to phone you yesterday.

    Gary Hoffman (7ec1de)

  36. Stolen from Popehat:

    Q. What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

    A: Murdered in your prison cell.

    Davethulhu (bc6fa6)

  37. After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

    “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,

    But on Fridays, I go fishing.”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  38. One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?”

    “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

    “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

    “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.”

    “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”

    The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

    “Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

    The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.

    The grass is almost a foot high.”

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  39. This is the first joke my father told me:

    An American, a Russian and a Greek are talking about their respective countries.

    The American says: “We have the tallest buildings in the world. Why, we have one skyscraper that’s a mile high.”

    The Russian and the Greek say that they find that a little hard to believe, so the American concedes: “Okay, maybe a palm’s breadth under a mile.”

    The Russian says: “We do not have skyscrapers in Russia, but we have the longest bridges in the world. We have one bridge that’s twenty miles long.”

    The American and the Greek express a slight skepticism at that claim and the Russian admits: “Okay, maybe a palm’s breadth under twenty miles.”

    The Greek says: “Greece is a small country and we do not have your engineering marvels, but our women are unique in all humankind. They give birth through the navel.”

    The American and the Russian are voluble in their disbelief of that biological impossibility. The Greek allows: “Okay, maybe a palm’s breadth under the navel.”

    nk (dbc370)

  40. Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships… apparently, “in HD” was not the right answer.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  41. Sure do miss this man… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_VURr6jnWQ

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  42. So this drunk is lying in the gutter and a lady walking by looks at him and says “How gauche!” and the drunk says “Jush fine, how goesh it with you?”

    nk (dbc370)

  43. There are some really funny jokes (and people) here!

    Dana (fdf131)

  44. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are on a pub crawl together when they find themselves in a very grotty establishment, and all three pints contain a large fly struggling in the brew. The Englishman, with a grimace of distaste, sends his pint back. The Irishman shrugs, picks out the fly and chugs his. The Scotsman picks out his fly, then immediately begins shaking it over the glass yelling, “Spit it oot, ye bugger, spit it oot!”

    (I’m part Scotch myself so I get to make that joke.)

    Stephen J. (3046cb)

  45. An imam, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

    Stephen J. (3046cb)

  46. At Bible study this weekend, they asked what a bishop does. Apparently “moves diagonally” was not the riight answer

    Chuck Bartowsli (a2c25f)

  47. From the statuary, I thought the Greeks were supposed to have large palms

    steveg (354706)

  48. And, of course, some classic Steven Wright:

    If you were driving at the speed of light… and you turned on your headlights… would they do anything?

    I named my dog Stay. Confused him something awful. “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.” Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

    I was playing poker with tarot cards the other day. I got a full house and four people died.

    Stephen J. (3046cb)

  49. According to wikipedia the Chilean palms seem to win the prize:

    “The thickest well-documented Jubaea was on the estate of J. Harrison Wright in Riverside, California. Its diameter “at shoulder height” was 66 inches (1.7 m).”

    steveg (354706)

  50. I was visiting a good friends home when we had a huge windstorm. The lights went out and we all decided to go home. My friends 25 year old daughter got all anxiety ridden and we asked her what was wrong… “how are you all going to get home?” There’s no lights…” She’s blonde

    steveg (354706)

  51. An old blind man wanders into a bar. He takes a seat at the counter, knocks back a shot of whiskey and then calls out: “Hey, anyone wanna hear a good blonde joke?”

    The bar goes deathly silent. The bartender clears her throat and says, “Friend, it’s obvious you don’t know where you are, so let me spare you some pain: You’re in a biker bar for the local girl gang. I’m blonde, and I keep a shotgun under the counter. My girlfriend is the bouncer, and she’s six-foot-two and carries brass knuckles; she’s also blonde. There are a set of twin sisters at the end of the bar who both know Krav Maga; they’re blonde too. And right now, one of our enforcers is standing behind you with a baseball bat, and she is, you guessed it, blonde. Now let me ask you again, friend: are you really sure you want to tell that joke?”

    The old man snorts and says, “Hell no, not if I’m gonna have to explain the punchline five times.”

    Stephen J. (3046cb)

  52. The School of Psychology, University of Pennsylvania conducted a survey called “What really do you see?”

    People were asked to focus their attention on this simple picture and then asked if they had noticed anything odd.

    http://i1.wp.com/naughtybits.us/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/The-eye-test.gif

    Now you also have a chance to test your skills and see if you can pass.

    Study the picture for 5 seconds. What do you notice? Think about it; what is odd? Now scroll down.

    Here are the Survey Results:

    1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the woman’s large bosom.

    2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the wide choice of doughnuts.

    The real answer (see below):
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    There’s a mouse on one of the doughnuts …. don’t tell me you saw it. I don’t believe you.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  53. I had to go back and check and sure enough, there were donuts in the picture.

    Jerryskids (702a61)

  54. Deluxe donuts… not that Krispy Kreme stuff

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  55. 44… that’s a keeper!

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  56. (shortest bar joke I know)

    Guy walks into a bar…

    …next guy ducks.

    tmm (3d89bc)

  57. Guy walks into a bar, a large chunk of asphalt under his arm. says “I’ll have a whiskey and I’ll buy one for the road.

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  58. Duck walks into a bar. “Got any duck food?” Bartender says “No,” the duck walks out.

    Duck comes back 10 minutes later: “Got any duck food?” The bartender says “I told you once, no.” Duck walks out.

    The duck comes back 10 minutes later. “Got any duck food?” The bartender says “Look you deadbeat, I’ve had enough. If you come in here asking for duck food one more time I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” Duck walks out.

    Duck comes back 10 minutes later. “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No.” The duck says “Good. Got any duck food?”

    JRH (52aed3)

  59. An agitated man goes to see his doctor.
    “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I can’t seem to make my wife interested in sex, and I’m not getting any. It’s driving me crazy.”
    The doctor feels sorry for this man who had been his patient and friend for so many years, and says: “I have something that might work, but it’s not FDA-approved and not on the market, so don’t let anyone know about this. Slip one of these pills in your wife’s drink. You’ll be surprised at the results.”
    The grateful man takes the bottle of pills home, and offers to fix coffee for his wife. He surreptitiously slips a pill into her cup before giving to her, and then after some hesitation puts one in his own cup.
    His wife drinks the coffee, and grows silent her breathing becoming heavier. Then she says in a throaty voice: “I … need a man!”
    His breathing also becomes heavy, and he says: “Me too!”

    Roger (ab554e)

  60. Willie’s friend Henry introduced him to the world of instant messages, or IMs.
    He was thrilled.
    On the first day, he sent an IM to his friend Albert.
    On the second day, he sent one to his friend Bert.
    On successive days, he IM’d Charlie, Dave, Ernie, Frank, and George.
    Then he though he really ought to thank Henry for introducing him to IMs.
    So he sent his Henry’s The Eighth IM IM.

    Karl Lembke (9a3542)

  61. Four engineers are discussing who designed the human body.

    The electrical engineer begins by promoting his own specialty, pointing out that the brain and the nervous systems are a very intricate and very sophisticated electrical grid.

    The hydraulic engineer demurs, and lectures at great detail about the heart, the circulatory system, the lymphatic system and the glands, and concludes that it had to be a hydraulic engineer.

    Likewise, the mechanical engineer insists that the musculoskeletal system, with its strength, mobility, and artistry of form could only have been designed by a mechanical engineer.

    The civil engineer remains silent. The other three look to him questioningly and he shakes his head and says: “Don’t look at me. No civil engineer would ever put a sewer outlet right next to a recreational area.”

    nk (dbc370)

  62. 61… excellent!

    Colonel Haiku (2601c0)

  63. A dog walks into a saloon in the Old West, drops a silver dollar on the bar, and says: “Whiskey.”

    The bartender curls his lip and says: “We don’t serve dogs, here.”

    The dog taps the silver dollar on the bar, and says: “My money’s good. Whiskey!”

    The bartender says: “Not in here. Pick it up and get out! We don’t serve dogs, here.”

    The dog says: “I’m not leaving until I’ve had my drink.”

    The barkeep has had enough. He pulls out a revolver and shoots the dog in the foot. The dog doesn’t say anything. He turns away from the bar and limps out of the saloon.

    It’s the day after, and the dog limps into the saloon again. He has a bandage on his foot and a holstered sixgun strapped to his waist. He says: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

    nk (dbc370)


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