She’s Gone
We dropped our daughter off at college yesterday.
It was a hectic day, filled with moving in, getting supplies, setting things up in her room, and meeting people. The final goodbye was rushed; she had a floor meeting to get to. But we had a good weekend, and she’s just up the road a couple of hours. We’ll see her often in Facetime and reasonably often in person. And she’ll be in the house again, for breaks and (hopefully!) for summer.
But the house is a lot emptier today.
She’s one of the best people I know in the world, and today I can’t just walk into another room and give her a hug.
But it’s exciting to watch her grow as a person. It’s a new adventure — but for this one, her parents will be spectators and not participants.
I hope some day you look
Into my eyes and see
The love that held you back
But finally set you free
[Cross-posted at The Jury Talks Back.]
How I know this tune and experience, Patterico. And as I just found out, visiting your child *in* college is different. They are now adults. Their room is empty. It feels like a pulled tooth.
I know it gets better. But it’s tough. You do all you can, you send them on their way, and then you worry….even more than you did before.
Simon Jester (c8876d) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:00 amBrings back memories of when the parents dropped you off at college, as I was in the hospital welcoming your new nephew. Let that put some perspective time wise. She’ll be fine, and so will you!
Brotherico (34cde7) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:05 amTheyre never gone Pat
EPWJ (c05b9e) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:12 amBut its a big big change
All the best
EPWJ (c05b9e) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:13 amBless your heart. It’s such a sad and happy event. I think it’s especially hard on Dads.
DRJ (15874d) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:20 amI’ll send some photos of my own event the past few weeks, DRJ and Patterico. But I guess I am kind of a #SensitiveNewAgeGuy.
On the other hand, a parent who wouldn’t be wistful as their children leave home isn’t much of a parent…to my way of thinking.
Simon Jester (c8876d) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:24 amThanks for sharing that
steveg (a9dcab) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:31 amGod bless, Pat. I can make a reasonably educated guess that she got a good foundation for her first 18 years. 😉
Gryph (08c844) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:32 amCongratulations to you, too, Simon.
DRJ (15874d) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:50 amI hope you’re not letting her major in psychology. I swear that major is for crazy people.
Dejectedhead (32d547) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:02 amMy mother cried when I drove off to college. I didn’t understand it until my daughter got on a plane to Texas three years ago.
Joe Miller (64cdc0) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:06 amWhat a bittersweet passage. The void left behind is palpable. One so misses their laughter, the sound of their voice, the familiarity of their presence and the space they filled in the home and in the everyday life of a family. It all changes, as it should, The good news is that it gets even better as they find their way through this next chapter. It’s an exciting time. Congratulations to you and the Mrs. for a job well done.
Dana (023079) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:06 amNice to see a post not about politics sometimes.
I won’t face this for some years yet but I am already not looking forward to it as much as I look forward to seeing them take flight on their own.
I can imagine the mix of emotions.
PrincetonAl (3cb8da) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:07 amCongratulations – and hope she has great instructors at school.
mg (9e54f8) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:13 amGreat job, dad.
Recall my own ‘drop off’ – by that time, after hopscotching ’round the globe so much, it seemed like just another ‘pack-up-and-move-in’ – but attending the same college as my father created a special bond and it was an easy transition. Mother was damp-eyed; Dad was proud, stopped by his old frat house and a call by pay phone, rotary-dial, every Sunday evening kept us connected. Had to: didn’t buy a car ’til sophomore year, LOL. Thanksgiving will bring lots of stories home. She’ll be ‘registration-busy’ w/new friends galore, lots to discover and you’ll be all the more proud as each day goes by.
Pat yourselves on the back for this achievement, Mr. & Mrs. Frey, ‘ya did good!
DCSCA (797bc0) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:33 amPatterico, and Simon, congratulations on your wonderful children taking off — and very sorry it’s so sad for you.
This guy seems to know what it feels like; apparently he wrote this for his daughter before she left home: Soon You’ll Go by Howard Jones
“…These things that we’ll hold on to
no one of consequence (325a59) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:37 amWhen I can’t hold on to you”
Says something about the times we live in that my first thought on seeing the post’s subject header was a dismayed internal “Oh no . . . .” Now it’s that queasy mix of relief and shame at the relief (because it’s still a bittersweet moment) that I think we all know.
Well done. (I wonder if this reaction is why parents never complain as much as you’d expect when the kids keep coming home to do laundry.)
Stephen J. (308ea7) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:41 amCongratulations and best wishes, may her experience be one she’ll treasure.
Colonel Haiku (167903) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:47 amShe’s gone, oh-oh-oh-oh, I…
Colonel Haiku (167903) — 9/24/2018 @ 9:57 amI better learn how to face it
She’s gone… oh-oh-oh-oh, I…
Better put a limit on teh Visa
That she can do this is a tribute to you and your wife. You have a son until he marries. You have a daughter for life.
Stu707 (e2fb68) — 9/24/2018 @ 10:01 amCongratulations to her, and if she’s anything like her daddy she’ll be just fine.
nk (dbc370) — 9/24/2018 @ 10:04 amBless you, Patrick. 🙂
Patricia (3363ec) — 9/24/2018 @ 10:18 amCongratulations to you, your wife, and your daughter all.
aphrael (e0cdc9) — 9/24/2018 @ 11:13 amSorry to be a bit of a downer here, but my parents put me on a plane to college and I remember gazing down on my hometown as we went airborne and thinking to myself that I would likely never again live there. Of course, your daughter grew up in paradise, so as long as we don’t really wreck it for her and your son then maybe both of them will stay Southern Californians for life. There aren’t many better places to live, at least in terms of natural beauty and climate.
And now, nearing old age, I’m thinking of returning to my hometown and retiring there.
JVW (42615e) — 9/24/2018 @ 11:22 amAh, the pains of children taking the leap from the next. A mixture of joy and sadness all smushed together. Good for you and your wife for helping her grow and be able to face these new adventures with confidence. Good for you for not being a helicopter or lawn-mower parent. She’s going to face some struggles and believe me you’ll face some right along with her. The difference being you are now in the advice position, not the fix-it position. Young parents often complain about the “terrible twos”, the “horrible teenage years” etc but I have to believe as the parent of four children from age 30 – 40 and 13 (almost 14) grandchildren that the hardest age to parent is adults. You have to keep your mouth shut sometimes. lol May you know when to speak and when not to.
marci (405d43) — 9/24/2018 @ 12:33 pmOf all the Beatles’ songs, She’s Leaving (Home) is the one that sparks the deepest emotion within me.
While your parting is nowhere near as final and is not tragic, as the one sung by Lennon is, it most certainly is a gut shot for you and your better half. All my best to you both.
Happily, God’s got this. He always has.
Ed from SFV (6d42fa) — 9/24/2018 @ 1:03 pmWhat college starts this late?
Ryan (95e5ab) — 9/24/2018 @ 1:40 pmRyan — it’s pretty common for schools that are on a quarter system to start this late. There are three ‘quarters’ in the regular academic year (plus summer); one runs from late september through just-before-christmas; one runs from january through march; one runs from april through june.
aphrael (e0cdc9) — 9/24/2018 @ 1:44 pmIt’s ten years ago that we drove across Pennsylvania to take our daughter to college. We grieved; I physically felt the sundering of the heretofore single trunk of our family tree as an axe blow to my chest. We both cried an unbelievable volume of tears, all the way home back across Pennsylvania. Along the way we listened to a song mix I’d made for the occasion, including this song by Rob Thomas which still moves me to tears:
Our lives are made
in these small hours, these small hours,
these twists and turns of fate.
Time falls away,
but these small hours,
these little wonders,
still remain.
PS She and her younger brother made it through college and are off to a good start. Mom and Dad survived.
RigelDog (5d99f9) — 9/24/2018 @ 2:54 pm27, indeed, had the quarters when I attended tOSU, b4 they switched to sems. Locally, u of c, northwestern and DePaul (huge break b/w Thanksgiving and New Years) still run on quarters.
urbanleftbehind (c8c554) — 9/24/2018 @ 3:11 pm25… McCartney sang that one, Ed.
Colonel Haiku (2601c0) — 9/24/2018 @ 4:03 pmI was dropped off/moved in at South Quad in Ann Arbor a few days before my 17th birthday. My mom was very protective, and fussed over me, drawing knowing grins from my two new roommates.
One of my roommates was a very worldly (and funny) Jewish guy (Steve) who went to the (sort of) rival prep school to the one I attended on scholarship in the Detroit suburbs. Our third roommate (John) hailed from St. Louis. After a few pleasantries and expressions of mutual enthusiasm about entering college, Steve tactfully raised the subject of partying, and established that, yes, we had all smoked pot, and, well, whaddaya know, just by coincidence Steve happened to have a joint! Steve (a bleeding heart liberal) and John (a fairly apolitical moderate kind of guy) and I all had pretty different personalities and outlooks, but things were off to a good start!
The RA for our dorm hall (“Stokes” was his nickname) was working on his MBA – he was much older than us, and his dad was a vice-president of General Motors. On the evening of move-in day, he bought a keg and hosted a party for all of us. Totally against the rules, but rules for drinking and pot weren’t enforced in those days. There were four floors in my dorm house, with about 40 people living on each. Each floor had an RA, one of whom was the chief RA for the whole house.
Stokes was the “social director” for the house, and he played the role to the hilt. House parties would be announced by distribution of one of his infamous “Stokes memos”. To say that these were wildly inappropriate in their content and tone would be an understatement.
Sometimes, if we were doing a social event with one of the female houses in the dorm, it would be written like a Penthouse Forum letter, with an anonymous woman from the house in question describing in graphic detail how she and all her friends had surrendered themselves to our sexual desires. Although he did an admirable job at making each one a bit different, the gist of any given memo was that there would be excessive drinking, followed inevitably by X-rated kinky sex until dawn. Everybody understood it was a joke and (obviously) not intended to be taken seriously.
Today, of course, it probably would have gotten him thrown out of the university.
A few years after I moved out, there was an “incident” (some idiot brought his sister – a high-school junior – and her girlfriend to one of the dorm parties, and one or both of them were taken advantage of after getting black-out drunk), and from what I understand, they have been enforcing the rules zealously since then…
Dave (445e97) — 9/24/2018 @ 7:08 pmOh me, too!
Patricia (3363ec) — 9/24/2018 @ 8:10 pmHow’s your wife holding up?
When our daughter left for Montana with everything packed inside and on the roof of her 4Runner, my wife felt like her girl had just gone to live on the dark side of the moon.
Our restaurant budget took a big hit with walks on the harbor breakwater with dinner and drinks, sushi downtown, mojitos, huaraches…. time and money well spent
It got us out of an eerily too quiet home.
Anyway, whatever works for you and blessing upon you all
steveg (a9dcab) — 9/25/2018 @ 3:02 pm