Dear Kim
Dear Elena is a blog started in 2006 by a father who had just lost his six-year-old daughter Elena to a sudden and inexplicable disease. I first wrote about the blog in this post. I quoted this post and this passage:
Yesterday, Kim and I were making corrections to the program for Elena’s funeral. Kim decided that she didn’t want a quote on the front page. Just her name and a picture. Oh and the dates.
I wrote “March 3, 1999 -” and then I stopped. How do you complete that thought. How does a father write on paper the date that his daughter died. It was a crippling writer’s block. My hand shook, the tears flowed, others in the room offered to write it for me but I knew that I had to.
Finally, I wrote “February 22, 2006″.
I have kept up with it over the years, and the father has written very occasional posts, with months or years in between. Mostly they commemorate anniversaries of difficult times, or relate memories about Elena, or positive stories about his adopted daughter Maggie.
Last night he published a post about his wife Kim. She was in a horrible car accident Friday afternoon. She lost brain matter and would never recover.
We made the tough decision to honor Kim’s wishes and allow them to turn off the machine.
On the one hand, it was explicitly what she wanted. On the other hand, it was the hardest words I’ve ever had to say.
I invited Kim’s family and friends to come in and say goodbye. My friend Mark also said a blessing over Kim that was familiar and comforting.
Right now the hospital is waiting to line up organ recipients. Once they have done so, Kim will be taken to the operating room and the doctors will will turn off the respirator.
If she is able to breathe on her own for an hour then they will bring her back to her room.
The expectation is that she will not be able to expel the carbon dioxide and it will be a painless death. They will then intubate her, restart her heart and begin to harvest the organs.
The hospital will call us four hours before they take her down to the operating room.
We’re waiting for the call.
Give everyone you love an extra hug today.
As if this guy hadn’t suffered enough.
Patterico (bcf524) — 8/22/2016 @ 7:55 amSomething to keep in mind during all the snark, name calling, dishonesty, and nastiness of politics.
Most of us are so much luckier than we expect. Or deserve.
I was in a car wreck two days after I returned from Europe. A woman in a Prius turned left suddenly in front of me. I hit her amidships (no more than 25 mph) and her car flipped like a tiddlywink. We got her out of the car and she was okay. Moderate damage to my car. I was lucky.
Stories like the ones Patterico posted are a reminder: luck is seldom noticed but is with us.
Prayers for the man in the story.
Simon Jester (cff76b) — 8/22/2016 @ 8:04 amI’m grateful every day that my life isn’t filled with such tragedy.
Dejectedhead (c21a67) — 8/22/2016 @ 8:19 amMy heart goes out to this man. I know the road he’s on, all too well.
Chuck Bartowski (211c17) — 8/22/2016 @ 8:37 amHave you read the story about the young woman who was walked down the aisle at her wedding by the man who had received her father’s heart ?
I was on the board of the Anatomical Transplant Association of California for a while. The board was made up largely of donor families and recipients. The organization was started by the guy who founded Century 21 Real Estate when he was a state Senator.
It doesn’t take away the pain but it helps a little.
Mike K (90dfdc) — 8/22/2016 @ 9:04 amI’ve seen a lot of death in my life but my saddest was holding my wife Diane’s hand as she died from brain cancer. She looked at me and said: “I’m going now honey. I will always love you”. Then I watched the spark leave her eyes forever.
Rev. Hoagie® (0f4ef6) — 8/22/2016 @ 9:51 amThank you for this jolt of reality. Given the current political back and forth we can lose sight of the essential things. The posting was very timely, a painful but important reminder to all of us to carpe diem, and understand what the really important things in life.
Bill Saracino (751ab5) — 8/22/2016 @ 10:07 amFunny how a little dust in your eye sometimes make you see things a little clearer.
Jerryskids (3308c1) — 8/22/2016 @ 10:08 amwe haven’t heard from JD since he got on his motorcycle and went driving into mountains and other adventures
happyfeet (a037ad) — 8/22/2016 @ 11:48 amTrue, hf
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/22/2016 @ 1:19 pmThank you for sharing, Patrick. What a monumental burden this man has had to carry. I’m glad he and his daughter can lean on each other at this time. They will be in my thoughts and prayers, for they have a long, hard road ahead of them.
10SCgal (18de37) — 8/22/2016 @ 1:44 pmIt’s what we signed up for, Hoagie. God damn.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/22/2016 @ 2:20 pmOne’s aging father, going slowly…. You tell him, go, see Mom and Jim and your folks and the guys from your platoon. Go. It’s alright. We’ll see you.
Richard Aubrey (472a6f) — 8/22/2016 @ 3:27 pmOne’s own spouse in perfect health until…..
Can’t imagine it.
My third year in law school, I got a facebook message one night from a friend of a friend, asking me to call him – which was wierd enough – because he had an important message about our mutual friend.
He was doing our friend’s widow a favor by notifying all of his friends for her, so that she wouldn’t have to make the calls saying “[$NAME] was run over on his bike last night.”
aphrael (e0cdc9) — 8/22/2016 @ 3:57 pmChuck Bartowski,
I hope life has become more bearable for you. Prayers.
Simon Jester,
So thankful you (and the other driver) were okay.
Hoagie,
I didn’t know this about you. How wonderful to have known love so fully. And to know love again with the current Mrs. Hoagie, whom you have mentioned.
MD,
Your absence was noted. Good to see you.
Life can change on a dime. It’s good for me to be reminded of this, and to be reminded to live with thankfulness in the sweet, peaceful times and not take them for granted.
Dana (995455) — 8/22/2016 @ 4:32 pmThat dime seems more like a bad penny. First was Vickie’s death from ALS 6 years ago. I did what I could, going from Viejas Casino at quitting time out to the hospital where she was in Coronado every day that I could. A slow, deteriorating death. Then, mom about 4 1/2 years ago. Her heart wasn’t rhythmic. It would beat normally, then a little bit, then a whole lot. Dad finally pulled the plug on her a week later. Worst of this was she told me the night before that she wasn’t ready to die yet. Fast forward to last February, when, in contrast to Vickie, my brother committed suicide. Of course, I got to discover the body. The ME told me that he was dead before he even dropped the gun.
Now I get to deal with a gravely ill dad. Not only did he lose a leg all the way up to his hip because of infection- his lower leg had been removed just 2 weeks prior- but he has infections in his GI tract, his lungs, and at a heart valve. Complicating things is his pacemaker, which everyone involved was hoping would help. It’s on the verge of failure because he didn’t get it replaced when he was told to.
However, I did hear a joke at the dialysis clinic today:
Bill H (971e5f) — 8/22/2016 @ 8:29 pmA couple was splitting up because the female 1/2 had heard some vicious, nasty, ugly things about the guy. He demanded to know what such vile things could be said about him. She replied that she now knows he’s a pedophile. His response? “Pedophile, eh? That’s an awfully big word for an 8 year old.”
Thank you, Doc, from the bottom of my heart. A friend of mine who lost her husband about 8 months before I lost my wife had words of comfort that have stuck with me for the past 8 years. She said, “It will never be easy, but it does get easier.”
Every day, I get out of bed, do my job, and take one step forward. Some days it’s harder than others. But, yes, it’s easier than it had been.
Chuck Bartowski (211c17) — 8/22/2016 @ 8:56 pmThe story Patterico posted was sad…but I don’t know the person described.
I *do* know some of the people who have posted about their own challenges, at least electronically.
Those stories hit me hard.
Chuck Bartowski, Rev. Hoagie, Richard Aubrey, and Bill H….you are all in my thoughts, and my prayers.
Simon Jester (cff76b) — 8/22/2016 @ 9:59 pmWell said, Simon Jester. My sentiments exactly.
JVW (f97acd) — 8/22/2016 @ 10:18 pmThanks, Simon.
Bill H (971e5f) — 8/22/2016 @ 11:42 pmHaving decided to go into medicine after becoming a Christian, issues of faith in the midst of suffering were always quite central for me,
and we all have enough suffering to make us hurt, even if it only takes a little suffering in an immature soul (I am less so now).
I’m sure I have mentioned it before, but there is a book that I found most helpful, “Making Sense Out of Suffering” by Peter Kreeft. He writes that ultimately there are no ideas or words that really satisfy us, but actual relationship with a God who understands our pain and in the end will “make it all right”. Some would say that is projection, wishful thinking, a crutch, and humbug;
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/23/2016 @ 6:05 amI say it is part of the only explanation that makes logical sense that is self-consistent with the reality of our experience.
One of the bridesmaids in our wedding years ago collapsed during a volleyball game from an arrhythmia, and after an extended period was taken off of a ventilator, only to breathe on her own and eventually regain consciousness and function. She did have profound memory problems that made things challenging. (Kind of like “Fifty first dates”)
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/23/2016 @ 6:11 amThis story is gut wrenching. I cannot imagine anything worse than watching a loved one pass.
JD (7fd277) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:34 amMD, based on your recommendation, I have ordered this book. (Yes, Patterico, I used the Amazon widget on your site 🙂 .) I also ordered CS Lewis’s book, “The Problem of Pain”.
Chuck Bartowski (8489f0) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:59 amViktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” is a book that can help people deal with suffering. Frankl (spelling is correct) survived Auschwitz.
Cruz Supporter (102c9a) — 8/23/2016 @ 12:58 pmLosing a loved one is so very difficult to go thru. Dealing with a long term illness is something that can teach others some lessons that can last a lifetime. I had a classmate in high school a year younger than I who contracted bone cancer that spread. I had played little league with him… Craig “Tiger” Anderson, was his name… a nicer, more humble, soft spoken guy would be hard to find. He sat next to me in class during the later stages of his illness – before he had to stop attending class – and the courage he showed me and others is something that has stayed with me these many years. I tear up even today when I think of how tough he was.
Colonel Haiku (ad9235) — 8/23/2016 @ 1:27 pmHoagie, I didn’t serve under similar circumstances as you.
My first and only wife and I lost our son to a birth defect.
And I can still see her, holding him, knowing he was going to die. Smiling bravely.
We divorced. I stupidly stayed away to long. Goddam Navy. Idiot me.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 1:39 pmI have a couple of favorite Japanese admirals. I’m not advocating for their fine qualities. Just saying they’re memorable. Some of them did have admirable qualities, like the Japanese admiral who refused to shoot into the fantail of the Gambier Bay when he saw the Americans were abandoning ship. He wanted to win, he wasn’t bloodthirsty, and was satisfied when he he had rendered his enemies hors de combat. Which right away makes me a weirdo.
But that’s a discussion for another day.
One of them was Admiral Aritomo Goto.
He died on the bridge of the Aoba saying to himself “Bakaa Yaroo!”He
Stupid Bast*rd.
He thought he had been killed by friendly fire. He thought his own forces killed him.
And, maybe, as Japanese destroyer captain Tameichi Hara said, maybe he was saying it to himslelf.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 2:28 pmI am not uncaring when I say the world needs more daddies, not nannies, coronello. I notice I’m not the guy who is fitting in anyone’s prayers. Which is fine.
I am the guy who will cry later. Don’t cry for me.
But right now I’ll shove my fist in the hole were your arm was and stop the bleeding.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 2:51 pmMy mom prays for me. I believe she is sincere.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 2:54 pm“The Problem of Pain” is certainly a good book, very much theological and appealing to the head. His book “A Grief Observed” is his own experience of trying to apply it.
“A Severe Mercy” is another personal with Lewis’ involvement.
There are other good books, including one co-written by Joni Earackson Tada, who has lived as a quadriplegic since a teenager, I forgot the name.
After I read Kreeft’s book, and Job and Lamentations, I haven’t felt the need to learn more by reading other things, just the need to walk it out.
Frankl’s book is certainly well respected and well known.
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/23/2016 @ 2:55 pmChuck, if you don’t find it helpful or want to argue with it, you can get my direct email from our host or DRJ, JD, Simon, if you want to communicate directly.
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/23/2016 @ 2:58 pmItsumo = always.
This will suck. Fair warning.
https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?hspart=adk&hsimp=yhs-adk_sbnt&p=itsumo&type=appfocus29_pa_ff¶m1=20160725¶m2=54885ade-7790-4d3a-9c23-487c987875e5¶m3=package_0.2.0~US~appfocus29¶m4=bing-bb8~firefox
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 3:01 pmI highly doubt that will be the case, MD. You’ve recommended some good reading here, I expect this one to be just as good.
But I appreciate the offer. Next time I go to Philly (my wife is buried in Calvary Cemetery in Conshohocken, and I try to visit her every couple of years), I’ll buy you a shot or two of fine single malt.
Chuck Bartowski (8489f0) — 8/23/2016 @ 3:08 pmNo you won’t,
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/23/2016 @ 3:10 pmI’ll take you to City Tavern…
It was me who expressed the hope, Chuck Bartowski. I clearly remembered you sharing with us of the painful season in which you found yourself. Anyway, I’m so glad that you haven’t given up, and that life is moving toward something more bearable and without as sharp of an edge.
The Lewis books mentioned are well worth reading. They invite quiet contemplation and serious thought as much as they bring a certain comfort.
Thanks, MD, for mentioning a “A Severe Mercy”. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve read it, and would like to re-read it at this time in my life.
Dana (995455) — 8/23/2016 @ 6:30 pmJD,
Is that you? You’ve been missed.
Dana (995455) — 8/23/2016 @ 6:31 pmToward the end of “A Canticle for Leibowitz” is the most moving discussion between suffering and euthanasia I’ve ever seen. There’s not choosing sides. Beautifully done if you don’t require a resolution,
Richard Aubrey (472a6f) — 8/23/2016 @ 7:14 pmSteve57, I’ve been there, having lost three to Trisomies. One was very late and we still aren’t really over it. May never be. It’s hard on a marriage and I’m sorry you paid so much for that chance at life. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Just last week, right as my wife and I returned from a vacation in Hawaii, we learned that my 40 year old brother in law passed away (he had been fighting cancer for a year). Honestly couldn’t have happened to a nicer man. We just got back from visiting his two kids and wife.
CS Lewis’s basic argument, as I understand it, is that it’s a mistake to think things would be better without tragedy and suffering. We think the world revolves around us and our immediate world, but Lewis reminds us of the larger picture, where hard fought and painful battles, ending in great victories, are awesome in a way our ideal utopia wouldn’t be. We keep the faith and go to God after this fallen world’s best plans just don’t amount to that much.
It’s easier for me to accept this explanation months or years after a loss than it is when I’m staring at kids who need their dad, but that’s why leaps of faith are so important (and also why they can seem so unreasonable when you’re on the outside looking in).
As this is a politics blog, let’s all bear in mind that that is a worldly, broken thing, and our best hopes for it to solve our real problems are flawed from the start. Ted Cruz or whomever you’re rooting for isn’t the real answer to our problems. Faith is.
JD, it’s great to hear from you and I hope you’re doing well.
Dustin (ba94b2) — 8/23/2016 @ 8:14 pmIt is enough Dustin.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 8:27 pmThat’s just too effing hard. I keep telling myself “that’s life, not much you’re going to do about it”, but I’ve never had any kids, much less lost 3. That just seems too effing hard.
Bill H (971e5f) — 8/23/2016 @ 8:54 pmAnd I’m not discounting Steve57’s loss. Loss of any child- our faith in the future- is damning.
Bill H (971e5f) — 8/23/2016 @ 8:58 pmSteve57,
I missed your comment at 27. May God keep you near always. Some wounds simply never close. But there is always the hope that you will again meet your little one in that glorious place where there are no more tears, and no more heartache.
Prayers.
Dana (995455) — 8/23/2016 @ 9:10 pmI apologize, Dana, and thank you sincerely, too. No, I haven’t given up. I don’t think I ever will, despite being in dark places. It’s not that I’m strong, I’m just really stubborn, and giving up is never an option.
I wish you well, Dana, and hope you know that appreciate all of your posts.
Chuck Bartowski (211c17) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:02 pmBill, it was one. One was more than enough.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:19 pmI am not seeking sympathy.
That would be degrading the memory of my child.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:27 pm“Bakaa yaroo.” Stupid bastard. Me, and the one who kills me. In the meantime, I’ll take my mom to lunch. Or dinner.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:36 pmAdmiral Aritomo Goto’s final words aboard the heavy cruiser Aoba’s bridge.
I need to emphasize.
And no I don’t need an intervention. I can make it another 50 or 60 years just fine. I can suck it up.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:41 pmhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=30&v=Fzo5yVL_myA
Everything is so cool.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/23/2016 @ 11:52 pmThe people here are loving and caring, God Bless You all.
mg (31009b) — 8/24/2016 @ 12:02 amYes, mg.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/24/2016 @ 12:10 amI too am loving and careful. Dustin, my heart breaks for you.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/24/2016 @ 12:14 amIf already broken can be broken again.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/24/2016 @ 12:16 amJob is perhaps the first book of the Bible to have been written, dealing with tragedy and suffering of one man who otherwise is not in the flow of Biblical history.
His “answer” is summed up when he says to God,
“I had heard of you with my ears,
but now I see you with my eyes.”
We want a rational answer that we can manipulate for ourselves and make our pain go away,
not a bad thing to want if we don’t demand it.
Kreeft points out that we are told that we see God when we see Jesus;
but there is a profound difference between having a vague awareness of Jesus,
having only “heard of Him” like Job,
and “seeing” Him, having encountered Him in a way that is real, tangible, palpable.
Faith is not merely a type of idea,
it is a conviction of reality.
It is the difference between saying airplanes can fly,
and getting in one and looking out the window as it takes off.
I am no expert, but I can do nothing more than point and say,
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/24/2016 @ 5:07 amThere, that is what you are looking for, He is your answer.
God’s answer to our pain is not only to say one day He will make it all right,
but to take all of our pain onto Himself,
not just on the cross,
but even before,
in such emotional anguish that He sweat drops of blood.
I can’t begin to understand what that was like,
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/24/2016 @ 5:13 ambut it is great comfort in my times of anguish.
Doc, you are who I want to be when I grow up.
I am not kidding.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/24/2016 @ 5:53 amWhatever good you see in me, Steve,
is 100% the grace and work of God.
Keep on asking, keep on seeking, keep on knocking,
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/24/2016 @ 6:07 amand when you feel like you don’t want to or can’t,
ask Him to help.
The same Spirit that lifted Christ from the dead is available to raise us from our own deadness.
When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered Heaven with their tears.
Did He smile His work to see?
I don’t know if that’s how Blake meant it, but I take it to mean that the material cannot be perfect. It is corruptible (in the broad sense), it is mortal, it is ephemeral. The only way God could have kept the world perfect, free of all the ills that flesh is heir to, would have been to keep it pure Spirit.
But what do I know?
nk (dbc370) — 8/24/2016 @ 6:15 amI appreciate everything you say, doctor.
Like all good doctors you aren’t just a benefit to the body but also to the soul.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/24/2016 @ 6:22 amThat’s gnosticism and heresy, nk, in case you haven’t heard.
Steve57 (41f53d) — 8/24/2016 @ 6:26 amnk,
Lucifer lead a rebellion while spirit.
The physical became corrupted at the fall,
and groans waiting for the recreation of all things.
I think that is in Romans 8,
or Two Corinthians 4
or both…
It isn’t the physical, it’s the free will, part of being in the image of God
MD in Philly (f9371b) — 8/24/2016 @ 8:20 am