Patterico's Pontifications

Let me be clear. Ding.

Ag80 2016! (eb6ffa) — 11/18/2013 @ 6:56 pm

What a bizarre loon. Toronto deserves him.

SPQR (768505) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:02 pm

Chris Farley could have played that role on snl.

mg (31009b) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:07 pm

He thought a group of union-backed Communists called OCAP who packed the gallery were attacking his brother who is a city councillor, the man he pats on the back at the end.
blazingcatfur.blogspot.ca/2013/11/is-ocap-trying-to-setup-rob-ford.html

And here’s the video in real time (18 seconds).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o4d6n29dLA

andycanuck (b1ddbe) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:07 pm

i watched this one like 5 times today and honestly I don’t get it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRdXOr-uYlU

it’s very high concept

happyfeet (8ce051) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:18 pm

Is there something in the water over there;

http://eyecrazy.blogspot.ca/2013/11/torontos-reputation-is-about-to-hit.html

narciso (3fec35) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:18 pm

Although our nations are separated by many large oceans, I have consulted with Mr. Ford regarding my candidacy and it’s impact on improving the plight of the middle class.

I respect his advice and will act accordingly despite the media’s unwarranted intrusion on his private life in Toronto.

Vote for Ag80 2016! I will fight day after day to improve the mobility of women to avoid being mowed down by fat mayors. Because I care.

Ag80 2016! (eb6ffa) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:46 pm

Did anyone see Leno the other night? It’s starts off with Obama, but they get to the Toronto Mayor and show a clip of him at a hearing beginning at the 2:25 mark.

http://thehill.com/video/in-the-news/190230-leno-bashes-o-care-clinton

Steve57 (338553) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:51 pm

Steyn on Ford. A Ford not a Lincoln.
http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/363925/ford-not-lincoln-big-deal-mark-steyn

andycanuck (b1ddbe) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:55 pm

Um, Ag80, please consult your campaign manager before you discuss consultations with crack-smoking politicos.

You can’t be popular with everybody, and crack users are notorious for being preoccupied come election day and have a very low voter turnout.
If you want to consult with family members of crack users about what can be done to help crack users after you are elected, that will be great.

I love your enthusiasm, but you haven’t been using any, um, stuff yourself, have you???

MD in Philly (f9371b) — 11/18/2013 @ 7:59 pm

Let me be clear. Certain staff members of my campaign have decided to make unfounded accusations about my personal life and my friends.

First, I would like to say that since these people have been dedicated to my election for well over a day, it would be premature to jump to any conclusions.

Second, I categorically deny I have ever partaken of whatever this “crack” stuff is. I have associated with another doctor who is a renowned professional in dealing with emotional issues, so I see no reason to not admit the help I have received from Dr. Heisenberg.

Third, I regret to inform my supporters that our long-time campaign manager has been incapacitated through undiagnosed emotional issues as the result of PTSD caused by his ignored responses to various trolls on Patterico’s Pontification.

He is convalescing in his home with family and friends close by. Please to do not respond to any further posts by MD in Philly. Please keep him in your prayers.

And speaking of prayer, how about voting for Ag80 2016! The answer to your prayers.

Ag80 2016! (eb6ffa) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:22 pm

What?! What!? I’ve slaved away a whole 24+hours for you, try to keep you out of trouble, and try to be a little funny and this is the thanks that I get?

Uh, this is that private skype stuff you talked about, right?

Well, you can always keep me in your prayers.

I don’t know what I will get up for in the morning…

MD in Philly (f9371b) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:27 pm

Painted Jaguar (polishing his claws): I’ve been asked by MD to step in as campaign manager, as I can be very persuasive. (Extends claws)

Ag80 2016 or else

Painted Jaguar (once a sockpuppet) (f9371b) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:30 pm

Painted Jaguar: And lets not argue about my new position, OK.

Ag80 2016
All you need to say, all you need to know,
vote for Ag, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!!!

(I’ve subbed for some mascots at college football games).

Painted Jaguar (once a sockpuppet) (f9371b) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:36 pm

Actually it’s not satyrical enough;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31FFTx6AKmU

narciso (3fec35) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:38 pm

Let me be clear. There are many pressing issues in our great nation and elevating the middle class.

Do not waste time on what one person in the former employ of my campaign may have said in a moment of confusion.

Expect an exciting announcement tomorrow on my future plans to fundamentally transform America.

Ag80 2016! Crack is not for breakfast anymore.

Ag80 2016! (eb6ffa) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:40 pm

Painted Jaguar: narciso, there were no satyrs in that link at all.

Painted Jaguar (once a sockpuppet) (f9371b) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:46 pm

Let me be clear. The rumors of Painted Jaguar being my new campaign manager may be premature. I am in consultation with my foreign advisers.

Ag80 2016! Because, in your heart, you know he’s right.

Ag80 2016! (eb6ffa) — 11/18/2013 @ 8:46 pm

Chris Farley could have played that role on snl.

Not sure Chris Farley could move that fast. But seriously he’s not after that woman, he’s looking at the crowd the whole time.

Kevin M (bf8ad7) — 11/18/2013 @ 10:59 pm

Ok, just one more Rob Ford video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBOf7olN0I8

Like Obamacare, you won’t know what’s in it until you look at it.

Steve57 (338553) — 11/19/2013 @ 12:01 am

Ok, this is really the last one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teME3jZUfwU

ROB FORD plays football

Steve57 (338553) — 11/19/2013 @ 12:21 am

For immediate release.
From the Office of the Press Secretary of Ag80 2016 Campaign.

~~Comrade~~ Candidate Ag80 has suffered a minor accident involving a carelessly mislaid high-heeled shoe (his wife found it under his desk and it’s not hers) and will be recuperating indefinitely.

His campaign will nonetheless continue and he will be our leader in spirit, even if he is not able to appear publicly in body, under the capable leadership of ~~Comrade~~ ~~Chairman~~ Chief of Staff Dana. ~~Comrades~~ Co-directors of Security MD in Philly and Painted Jaguar will assist ~~Comrade~~ Chief of Staff Dana in carrying out her duties with their first priority being, of course, her personal safety. ~~Comrade~~ Director Painted Jaguar considers it important to assure everyone that ~~Comrade~~ Chief of Staff Dana will never be in any danger as long as he and ~~Comrade~~ Director MD in Philly are on the job and she scrupulously follows their directions and avoids any dangerous activities (such as, for example, making any public statements not approved by the Office of the Press Secretary).

~~Comrade~~ ~~Citizen~~ Tireless servant of the people nk will remain in his post as Press Secretary, and all communications with, to, and from, Ag80 2016 Campaign will be through his office in the interest of efficiency and avoidance of confusion. Any purported communications from Ag80 2016 Campaign not approved by the Office of the Press Secretary are to be considered fraudulent propaganda propagated by ~~counter-revolutionary~~ ~~reactionary~~ ~~elements~~ ~~right-wing Tea Party wacko-birds~~ our political opponents, and must not be believed ~~or repeated~~ by anyone who has the best interests of Ag80 2016 Campaign at heart and, more importantly, his or her own best interests at heart.

Signed,
k
Press Secretary

nk (dbc370) — 11/19/2013 @ 1:51 am

For immediate release.
From the Office of the Press Secretary of Ag80 2016 Campaign.

To emphasize (not to correct because there was no mistake to correct) a portion our immediately previous release: … must not be believed or repeated by anyone who has the best interests of Ag80 2016 Campaign at heart and, more importantly, his or her own best interests at heart.

Signed,
k
Press Secretary

nk (dbc370) — 11/19/2013 @ 2:00 am

You got a Jackboot Distributor yet? Yer gonna need a good Jackboot Distributor.

I worked at a bowling alley. I’m just sayin.

Leviticus (1b8969) — 11/19/2013 @ 1:52 pm

I don’t have any special campaign skills but count me as an Ag80 supporter.

Also, think about getting a sexy Aggie girl to do an ObamaGirl-style video. I know it doesn’t fit your serious campaign goals but I think it would be a good idea.

DRJ (a83b8b) — 11/19/2013 @ 2:08 pm

Oh, and I think you need an Ag80 campaign personnel retreat. There seems to be some fraying in morale.

DRJ (a83b8b) — 11/19/2013 @ 2:08 pm

Press Secretary nk,

Please give us the critical information necessary to determine whether or not Ag80’s campaign can move forward: which kind of heel are talking about? Designer?? Knock off? Cheap imitation? Do we heightened security, are we watching for a one heeled bimbo ready to erupt ?

Ag80 2016! …I hope…

Dana (d14468) — 11/19/2013 @ 2:19 pm

As long as you ~~don’t oppress the workers~~ provide a quality product, manufactured under humane conditions, in a timely manner, at a fair price, you’ll have the jackboot contract, Leviticus.

Dana, ~~Comrade~~ Director Painted Jaguar will brief everyone on a need to know basis.

It is understood (it better be) that these communiques are from Ag80, merely transmitted through the Press Secretary.

k

nk (dbc370) — 11/19/2013 @ 2:37 pm

Preliminary transcript from Ag80 2016! Press Conference, 11-19-13:

(Ag80 steps to podium)

Thank you all for coming tonight. I realize this conference was called on short notice and I appreciate everyone for changing schedules to be here.

First, let me introduce the gentlemen joining me on the stage. On my left is my long-time physician and adviser Dr. W. Walt Heisenberg. On my left is Carson County Probation Officer Claude Peel. Thank you both, guys, for being there for me. I wish my lovely wife, Ag 81, could be here tonight, but my enemies someone coerced her into obtaining some sort of legal document that prohibits my proximity to her.

(Gives thumb up. Clears throat)

With a clear mind and a heavy heart, I must suspend my campaign to elevate the middle class by serving as the next President of the United States. I know this comes as a shock to many of my loyal staff and supporters. However, after consultation with close confidantes, family and friends, I believe it is the correct course to take.

(Clamor and questions erupt in the hall. Ag80 holds up hands)

Please, please, I will take questions later.
Before I discuss my reasons for this sudden decision, I first want to take time to thank some of those who have been with me from the beginning. Foremost, of course, is nk. Are you here? No? Well I suppose that’s understandable after the incident at the Baby Dolls Gentelmen’s Club last night. (Ag80 chuckles). He stepped up every time I needed with well-written, heart-felt news release clearly outlining my goals and plans.

Also, from the bottom of my heart, thank you Dana, Painted Jaguar, DRJ and felipe for you continued support It has been a long, hard slog for the past 48 hours. Also, Leviticus, go you dog, go. None of you ever wavered and never doubted. Also, huge thanks to Mr. Patterico for allowing me to waste his time and bandwidth. He’s a prince of a guy.

As for the issues surround the firing of my former campaign manager, MD in Philly, let’s just let sleeping dogs lie. Which is what he did. Let me unequivocally state that he has no idea if I ever smoked crack because he wasn’t there. And that by no means implies that I did smoke crack that one time. Prostitutes were never involved either, despite the recent TMZ report. Not many people know I have a twin and I will work tirelessly to provide him the help he needs.

So, let me give a little background on why I am suspending the campaign. Last night after my seventh Natty Light, I called up my good friend Tom Ford to discuss campaign strategy and poll management. His first reaction after answering the phone was, and I quote: “Jesus Christ! How did you get this number! Don’t you ever call me again, you worthless sack of s***.” What? (Peel whispers in Ag80’s ear) Oh, I meant Rob Ford.

That is when I knew there was a cancer on my campaign.

It appears as though, with no evidence at all, I had someone working in the campaign spreading false lies and innuendos with no basis in any know or unknown facts. I realized sinister forces were hijacking my campaign and probably spying on me, also, as well. I won’t name names, but the IRS is currently auditing my campaign finances. So, unfortunately, I will not be able to return any campaign contributions not currently in the Cayman Islands.

Faced with this insurmountable challenge and the realization of several warrants requesting my presence before a court of law, I believe the best course of action is to step away from the national stage.

Please be assured, though, that I will continue to fight for the middle class. Good night and God bless America.

Now I will take questions.

Ag 80 suddenly pushes over podium, elbows Peel in the jaw and escapes through a fire exit).

End of transcript.

Ag80 who is not anywhere near the Cayman Islands (eb6ffa) — 11/19/2013 @ 5:20 pm

Clearly, Ag80 is being targeted by sinister forces because he poses a threat to entrenched political interests.

DRJ (a83b8b) — 11/19/2013 @ 5:32 pm

Dag nab it Ag80.
I was a hoping to be your caddie.

mg (31009b) — 11/19/2013 @ 5:44 pm

The time is not right for communications with my “caddie.” Instructions will follow according to Protocol 41, mg. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

Totally not Ag80 (eb6ffa) — 11/19/2013 @ 5:55 pm

Totally not Ag80,

If you’re in my area and need a place to ~~hide~~ hang out, I think I’m your best bet. Just head South about 400 miles.

DRJ (a83b8b) — 11/19/2013 @ 7:35 pm

Thank you, DRJ. The border option is looking good at this point.

Gotta go.

Ag80, former candidate who is not trying to reach the border (eb6ffa) — 11/19/2013 @ 7:44 pm

My first thought when I heard about this was to compare it to Gray Davis manhandling his 60 year old secretary but when I saw the video this looked like an accident and Davis did this on purpose to the older lady and to others so it was unfair to the crackhead to compare them.

Machinist (b6f7da) — 11/19/2013 @ 11:47 pm

this thread got linked in today’s ONT over at Ace’s…

redc1c4 (abd49e) — 11/19/2013 @ 11:48 pm

11/18/2013

Crack-Smoking Mayor Goes Wild

36 Responses to “Crack-Smoking Mayor Goes Wild”

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