Patterico's Pontifications


Texas Chili Cook-off

Filed under: General — JD @ 9:25 pm

[guest post by JD]

I don’t care how many times I read this, it still brings me nearly to tears from laughter every single time. This landed in my inbox tonight, for about the 10th time in the last few years. And I never tire of it.

After that gruesome video I posted, I figured something light-hearted was in order.

Includes notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.  Frank notes: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili  cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I  happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to  the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting – So I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:



JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken  seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach


JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: (Not available for comment.)


Kevin Ware Louisville – Horrific Injury

Filed under: General — JD @ 8:50 pm

[Guest post by JD]

I attached a YouTube video below, that does a good job covering this catastrophic injury in its entirety. In watching it, the injury itself is so horrifying that I felt sick to my stomach watching it. But the reaction of the players on the court, that heard the injury over the noise, and the reaction of the Louisville bench, are hard to describe. The bench reacted like someone had thrown a hand grenade at them, and they were diving for cover. One of the sportswriters quoted in the video said several of them vomited from seeing it.

He is fortunate that Methodist has world-class trauma care, and they were able to get him stabilized, and performed successful surgery last night. He was up on crutches today. It is sad that he will not be able to join his team in Atlanta this weekend for the Final Four, as that is his hometown.

I am going to tell you, that if you are squeamish, do not watch the video. I am not joking. I will repeat, if you do not have the stomach for this, do not click on the video. I am not exaggerating.


National Financial Capability Month

Filed under: General — JD @ 3:13 pm

[Guest post by JD]

On Friday, La Casa Blanca declared April to be National Financial Capability Month. Had that been released today, it would have been an EPIC April Fool’s Joke. As with many other times, reality has gone beyond where The Onion could ever imagine.

All Americans deserve the chance to turn their hard work into a decent living for their families and a bright future for their children. Seizing that opportunity takes more than drive and initiative — it also requires smart financial planning. During National Financial Capability Month, we recommit to empowering individuals and families with the knowledge and tools they need to get ahead in today’s economy.
My Administration is dedicated to helping people make sound decisions in the marketplace. Last year, we partnered with businesses and community leaders to roll out new public and private commitments to increasing financial literacy. We released a new financial capability toolkit to help schools and employers as they launch their own initiatives. And with our College Scorecard and Financial Aid Shopping Sheet, we are working to give families clear, transparent information on college costs so they can make good choices when they invest in higher education. Together, we can prepare young people to tackle financial challenges — from learning how to budget responsibly to saving for college, starting a business, or opening a retirement account.

Obama Shoots Brick After Brick After Brick (Repeat x7)

Filed under: General — JD @ 3:06 pm

[guest post by JD]

Calling it 2 for 22 doesn’t really do it justice. He missed a layup, that drew no iron. I thought the most amusing part was when he ran off the court after finally making a shot, kind of like how a performer will drop a microphone after a great performance.

UPDATE : CBS pulled the video for a copyright claim. Aren’t they in the news business?


Too Good to Check: Joe Curl’s Broadside Against Obama’s Excesses

Filed under: General — Patterico @ 7:38 am

I have not verified every assertion in this column by Joe Curl at the Washington Times, but I have verified that every sentence will make you go: “Damn right!” whether it’s accurate or not. I have already found one factual inaccuracy in the following passage:

But something remarkable has happened with these occupants of the White House: Neither President Obama nor first lady Michelle appear to give a damn about perception. They won the White House and, by God, they’re going to enjoy their time there, no matter the cost. And who cares what you think, anyway?

How else to explain the nonstop vacations the pair keep taking during what Mr. Obama calls the “worst financial crisis since the Great Depression”? In 2013, the First Family has already enjoyed three vacations — that’s one a month. (Sorry, Joe America, you might have to forget your week at the beach again this year, but make sure you get those taxes in on time!)

The Obamas ended 2012 and kicked off 2013 in an $8 million, 6,000-square-foot house in Hawaii (they left well before Dec. 25, by the way). There, the president played five rounds of golf (breaking the 100-rounds-as-president threshold). Scarcely a month into Term 2, Mrs. Obama headed off for Aspen, taking along the couple’s daughters. Vice President Joseph R. Biden also hit the Colorado slopes. While the girls (and Joe) were gone, Mr. Obama nipped down to Florida for a four-day boys weekend of golf, teeing it up with his buddies — and Tiger Woods. He hit the links again this weekend, then dropped in for an NCAA tournament game in Washington.

Did you spot it? Obama didn’t play his 100th round of golf as President over Christmas, silly! He did that a long time ago: way back in June 2012!

I was struck by Curl’s assertion that G.W. Bush spent every Christmas Day at Camp David before jetting off to Crawford, so that Secret Service families could spend Christmas with their dads. He says he is reporting that for the first time, which isn’t quite true: Rush Limbaugh pointed this out in 2011, and HillBuzz appears to have made the same point as well (though their post is hard to access). But, if true, that certainly shows a quiet thoughtfulness that is conspicuously absent from the actions of the Prima Donna in Chief — whose family not only spends Christmas in Hawaii, but also takes vacations all over creation, dragging Secret Service people in tow. Remember how we have to close down the White House because of the Secret Service budget cuts owing to sequestration? I wonder how their budget would be if Sasha and Malia didn’t go to the Bahamas and then Sun Valley and if Barack weren’t attending basketball games and going golfing with Tiger Woods while Michelle and the kids are in Aspen and Joe Biden is living it up in London and Paris and Colorado and South Carolina.

Anyway, the whole column is gold. Read it now. Trust me.

Happy April Fool’s Day

Filed under: General — Patterico @ 7:19 am

No April Fool’s jokes today. The last one went over like the proverbial lead balloon. You’d think a lead balloon would at least be funny — who tries to fly a lead balloon? — but not so much.

However, the guy who generally devises the April Fool’s jokes we have done here, Eric Turkewitz, has a Justice Alito/baseball quiz in place of his usual April Fool’s jokes. If there is some joke or hoax built into his post, I expressly disclaim any knowledge of same, with no express or implied warranties, guarantees, or any legal whatchamajigs.

It’s also “Cesar Chavez Day observed” here in California, I think. So there’s that.

Feel to free to run hoaxes in the comments. It might be kind of obvious, but what are ya gonna do.

UPDATE: Google’s contribution is a deal where you try “Google Nose Beta” and when you click on it, you’re Googling “Diaper.” Try to make yours better than that, mmmkay?

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