Patterico's Pontifications


Sockpuppet Friday — Merry Christmas edition

Filed under: General — Karl @ 6:52 am

[Posted by Karl]

As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sockpuppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.

Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself.

And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.

Some of the Midwesterners is the audience may remember this one:


83 Responses to “Sockpuppet Friday — Merry Christmas edition”

  1. Ding!

    Karl (5a613f)

  2. HR CC and Joe! Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

    Midwestern regular (ee5d89)

  3. Hey! That’s ELVES, you idiots! Not dwarves! Elves!

    Little People's Anti-Defamation Society, leaking Christmas spirit fast (ee5d89)

  4. now listen my children and you shall hear
    a story fantastic, a story so queer
    it’s all about Karl Marx and his helpers three
    There’s Barack and Coco and Joe

    It's like hitting the side of a (red, of course) barn (ee5d89)

  5. “President Fox’s vision for an open border is a vision I endorse.”

    – Governor Rick Perry

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  6. UT/TT polling questions: Why come only 26% of Texans in the GOP primary chose Perry and only 21% credit him with having made a positive contribution to the Texas economy?

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  7. Good Allah. Can we have 1 thread that is not Perry is stupid and Romney is liberal?!

    Dwarfs suck.

    JD (269dac)

  8. Alaskas minimum wage is $7.75…but yet Alaska still has virtually no unemployment.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  9. Compared to me, Michelle Obama does not have a big butt. Jim Sensenbrenner should be ashamed of himself. Plus Michelle still has her own teeth.

    Barney Frank (bf33e9)

  10. gun sales continue to rise. thank the gop or blame bush.

    sickofrinos (44de53)

  11. Which polecat advocates for “less taxes” but voted back in ’87 for the greatest durned tax hike in Texas history and then signed into law the second largest back in 2006… the Cigarette/Diesel Fuel/Business Margin Tax?

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  12. John Boehner could take a crap in the middle of the senate floor and it would be spun as a victory for Obama.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  13. You can’t stop looking at us, can you, you freak!

    Bawney's Tits (56de68)

  14. Hey Aaron, would you like me to whisper your real name into your ear, all hot & husky like?

    Grace "tasty morsel" Park (56de68)

  15. Why are all the kids saying that mommy and Aunt Hillary did the “horizontal mambo”?

    The New Little Weiner, about six years from now (56de68)

  16. No, I never see my daddy, except for those pictures of him on the Internet.

    I’m gonna need A LOT of therapy.

    The New Little Weiner, about six years from now (56de68)

  17. Scrooged needs a visit from the ghost of Sockpuppet Friday’s past.

    Statistics Ain't Funny!!! (56de68)

  18. The Three Little Elves’s. Isn’t that a show in Vegas?

    A Hunka Hunka Burning Sock (56de68)

  19. Black Jesus! Can’t we have one thread where JD doesn’t whup out the “Good Allah!”?

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  20. Hey, what the heck am I doing here? I ain’t no damn sockpuppet!

    Or are I . . . . . ???

    felipe (56de68)

  21. Geez, it’s just a sweater! What, are you all fourteen years old?

    Ann Coulter (56de68)

  22. I’m skipping Christmas this year, and heading down the road to Miami to get me some of that fine Minute Maid orange juice. Phil’s going to have to handle those Haynes sisters all by himself.

    Bob Wallace (255b30)

  23. I blame Bush.

    HurricaneKatrina (ef98f0)

  24. Damn straight I’m gonna take advantage of every opportunity over the next 13 months! Honey, you don’t wanna know what I’ve already done

    Michelle "I'm entitled, too" Obama (56de68)

  25. My mom whups out the “good” Allah when company comes over.

    sickofrinos (56de68)

  26. Hey, is it safe to move yet?

    Mitt's hair (56de68)

  27. I oppose Abortion but anyone who assassinates abortion doctors deserves to be hung.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  28. Merry Christmas and a Happy…. …. and a Snappy … ummm Happy Christmas Pappy.

    Rick Perry's Hair (cb3719)

  29. Ah yes protesting abortion is a violation of the 1st amendment or something.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  30. Y’all listen up now. That thing that happened? It was way back in college. See, me and this good ol’ boy was lab partners in a animal husbandry class at A&M, and they had told us to “experiment”; ya see? So me and him, we . . .

    . . . well now, this isn’t coming across the way I intended. Let’s see here — “produced substantial results”, “took detailed measurements”, “shared our discoveries”, “revealed our findings to each other”. Damn, y’all! No matter how I put it it still sounds fruity. Kinda wish I could just fergit it now.

    Rick Fairy (56de68)

  31. So what people protest abortions………big deal if it doesn’t escalate into violence big deal.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  32. The left has taken possession of the word “liberal” and completely distorted its original meaning.

    And now I’m here to take back the word “progressive” and return it to it’s original meaning.

    You know — the government doing everything it can to make life better for all of us. That’s TRUE conservatism right there!

    Remember, I’m the smartest guy in the room. And the last “smartest guy in the room”? He got elected. WINNING!

    [What? Only $400,000 per year! Are you kidding me? After buying jewelry I’ll be living in the poor house, not the White House!]

    The Gingrich That Stole Liberty (56de68)

  33. And those who oppose abortion are committing sedition?

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  34. Jon Huntsman and Bradley Manning have gender issues. Trust me on this.

    Chaz Bono (bf33e9)

  35. I only support abortion as an extreme last resort.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  36. What? It’s tax time again? Already?

    Gawdammit! All right, call up my Jooo accountant and let’s start looking for loopholes.

    Charles Rangraft (56de68)

  37. Come on mister. Hey, mister, you want give me five minute on-air time? Me sucky sucky for five minute on-air. Me love you long time. Come on, Joe! You put me on in prime time, I take you ’round world. You never forget it!

    Chuck Schumer -- media whore (56de68)

  38. Dwarfs suck standing up
    Comment by JD — 12/23/2011 @ 8:31 am

    FTFY, good buddy!

    Slick Willie (56de68)

  39. Ding!
    Comment by Karl — 12/23/2011 @ 6:52 am

    Was that ^^^ personal?

    Dustin (56de68)

  40. Hey, nothing I say is personal, you dick bigot!

    Icy (cb3719)

  41. Hey nothing I say is personal,you dick bigot

    What in the blue hell is a dick bigot?

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  42. Who’s talkin bout a durned “Texas Miracle”, while the state of Texas has an 8.1% unemployment rate,
    compared to Obama’s at 8.6%.

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  43. What in the blue hell is a dick bigot?
    Comment by Dohbiden — 12/23/2011 @ 11:10 am

    Apparently it is someone that discriminates against people that act like dicks.

    The Ref (56de68)

  44. Rick Perry says he’s all for “less government”, but then he heaped a healthy helpin a praise on the objectves of Hillarycare, proposed some sorta durned Bi-National Healthcare Insurance with Mejico, lassoed his legislature to issue an executive mandated HPV-Perrycare, and then defied the citizens of Texas and pushed for a danged Eminent Domain confiscation of private property to build a dagblasted Trans-Texas Corridor where America would not have full sovereign control.

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  45. Rick Perry claims he is conservative, but then used eminent domain powers to build a highway!


    And then he asked Hillary to not screw up hillarycare, and complained when she did!


    Then he balanced the budget for twelve years!


    Vote Mitt Romney, then. He’s so conservative he redefines the entire concept!

    ? (cb3719)

  46. Here’s the problem. He dare not discuss his religion. And he fools people like Pat Buchanan, who should know better. This was the worst speech, the worst political speech, of my lifetime, because this man stood there and said to you, “This is the faith of my fathers.” And you and none of these commentators who liked this speech realize that the faith of his father is a racist faith. As of 1978, it was an officially racist faith. And for political convenience, in 1978 it switched and it said, “Okay, black people can be in this church.”

    He believes — if he believes the faith of his fathers that black people are black because in heaven they turned away from God in this demented Scientology-like notion of what was going on in heaven before the creation of the earth —

    and he firmly believed in the faith of his father that black people are inferior, when did he change his mind? Did the religion have to tell him to change his mind? And when he talks about the faith of his father, how about the faith of his great- grandfather, who had five wives?

    And his religion is based on the work of a lying, fraudulent criminal named Joseph Smith, who was a racist, who was pro- slavery. His religion was completely pro-slavery.

    he says, “I believe every word of it.” He was offered an opportunity to distance himself from the evils of his religion, and he didn’t.

    Romney has said publicly in Iowa that he believes in the second coming of Christ, which is going to happen. Then the world will be ruled by a world government based in Jerusalem and Missouri.

    Romney comes from a religion founded by a criminal who was anti-American, pro-slavery, and a rapist. And he comes from that lineage and says, “I respect this religion fully.”

    Lawrence O'Donnell -- giving Mormons and Romney some props! (56de68)

  47. It’s not like I’m saying Romneycare was a bad move, only less bad than single payer.

    I think Romneycare was a good idea. I think it is conservative.

    I hope you are under a version of Romneycare soon.

    If you support the individual mandate, the choice is clear, vote Obama or Romney.

    Mitt Romney (cb3719)

  48. Hey Barney, thanks for the mammarys.

    Bob Hope (9d1bb3)

  49. So what if I flew to Hawaii with Meechelle and the girls and then back again for the photo op with Big Bo at Pet Smart. I have to do my part to keep him in office, otherwise, I will wind up like Buddy.

    Little BO, the WH dog (c65c00)

  50. Poor Buddy! This reminds me of that bumpersticker:
    Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.

    Slickly Sentimental Willie (56de68)

  51. Rick Perry says “You can’t change from one election to another”. But then Rick flipped on a durned dime from Al Gore Democrat bent on dismantlin Reagan’s legacy in 1988, to goldurned Karl Rove-type Republican to win elections in 1989.

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  52. Perry seems to be retarded. Cain’s in the same 12-step program with Clinton and Tiger Woods. Romney and Obama are Dumb&Dumber. Let’s not forget Gringrich who’ll make poor kids scrub spooge out of public toilets and then send Federal Marshalls to arrest the Supreme Court. Luckily I’ll get to keep 19 bucks a week which is more than I’ll get from the SSA when I retire. Things are going great, and they’re only getting better!

    O-Di-O-Lady-I-Lady-I-O (aa3d93)

  53. Perry isn’t a Karl Rove Republican. They are famous rivals. Perry fired Rove. You’d have to be pretty ignorant (or a Romney liberal) to say otherwise.

    Now, I’ll tell you who actually blasted the Reagan era… that’s Mitt Romney.

    Perry’s the guy whose watch saw Texas’s state controllable spending shrink for the first time since WWII, and even NRO, Romney’s fanboys, admits is an “exemplary” governor. He’s balanced the budget and wants the USA to have a balanced budget.

    Romney fans are still afraid of Perry because he remains the best candidate in this primary.

    Mitt Romney's dog, frozen to the roof of an AMC Gremlin (cb3719)

  54. Texas Governor Rick Perry argued “No Government Bailouts!” on the same durned day that he begged for $17,400,000,000 from Obama’s Stimulus bailout to plug the shortfall in his last two budgets.

    He’s not glad we’re having this argument and getting things out in the open.

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  55. We just adore reading the 738th version of this argument. Again. It just never gets tired.

    Patterico's Audience (318f81)

  56. I am the Ghost of Republican Progessives past to haunt you Democrat so called “Progressives.”

    Ghost of Fightin' Bob LaFollette (a1fcca)

  57. For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given,
    and the government will be on his shoulders.

    And he will be called
    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

    Of the increase of his government and peace
    there will be no end.

    He will reign on David’s throne
    and over his kingdom,
    establishing and upholding it
    with justice and righteousness
    from that time on and forever.

    The zeal of the Lord Almighty
    will accomplish this.

    The Bible around 700 BC (9d78e8)

  58. Corzine? MF Global? Never heard of them.

    Federal REserve Spokesperson (a1fcca)

  59. Corzine, MF Global? Never heard of them.

    Carney, White House Sockpuppet (a1fcca)

  60. Mitt Romney will be the greatest president of my time.

    kernel hohum (44de53)

  61. Rick Perry better be prayin to the god of skinny punks, cuz his ass is goin down, BIG TIME.

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  62. Just because the family has been to Hawaii recently doesn’t mean I can’t go again and disappoint the girls, who I have drug around the world the last three years. Time is running out. Even I know the hubby boy ain’t goin’ to be reelected.

    Michelle O the Girl (a1fcca)

  63. I never heard of these guys, Hardrock? CoCo?….and Joe? WT?? And Santa is busy with his heavy pack
    He trusts his drivers and never looks back
    Ole olady olady I oh

    He’s Hardrock, he’s Coco, he’s Joe. Never heard of them…I’m worried….Ole olady olady I oh indeed!

    Mrs. Claus (c9d0ea)

  64. Texas is the center of poverty in this nation.

    Why doesn’t Rick Perry take control of economic decisions and create prosperity like Romneycare did?

    Texas currently has 800 trillion unemployed orphans. They cry for help, but Rick Perry won’t listen.

    A conservative would use the power of the state to force the evil corporations to hire everyone. Except the coal plants. Conservatives won’t create jobs that KILL PEOPLE.

    Insane Romney Fanboy (cb3719)

  65. Insane Clown Pussee… goes for the shabbas goy.

    Scrooged (8699c3)

  66. Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,

    Not a deranged Mitt Fanboy (cb3719)

  67. I’ve been told not to talk, but these stooges don’t scare me. Threats or no threats, I’ve laid bare the coming race war in our big cities. The federal-homosexual cover-up on AIDS (my training as a physician helps me see through this one.) The Bohemian Grove — perverted, pagan playground of the powerful. Skull & Bones: the demonic fraternity that includes George Bush and leftist Senator John Kerry, Congress’s Mr. New Money. The Israeli lobby, which plays Congress like a cheap harmonica. And the Soviet-style ‘smartcard’ the Justice Department has in mind for you.

    RON PAUL (cb3719)

  68. ^ ripped off from The Other Mccain, which you already know because everybody who’s anybody reads it.

    RON PAUL (cb3719)

  69. Now, I’ll tell you who actually blasted the Reagan era… that’s Mitt Romney.
    — Mitt Romney’s dog

    A thousand dollars to your favorite charity RIGHT NOW, if (IF!!!) you can produce incontrovertible proof to back up that claim.

    Please note that “incontrovertible” does NOT include that lame video in which a fiery Romney (upset at his debate opponent, not at Reagan) says that he is not running on a Reagan/Bush platform, as in no way does he ‘blast the Reagan era’ with that statement.


    To Tell The Troof (56de68)

  70. “Perry’s the guy whose watch saw Texas’s state controllable spending shrink for the first time since WWII”

    Expenditures 2000-2001 Biennium $101,798 (in millions)

    Expenditures 2010-2011 Biennium $182,188 Estimated

    Rick Perry's New Math (bf33e9)

  71. Yep, those Romney fanboys like to lie, don’t they?

    Note the straw man response, when replying to ‘state controllable” including crap the state doesn’t control. Crap RINOs force on states.

    It’s like Mitt Romney’s fans know they can’t tell the truth because the truth isn’t on their side.

    Mitt Romney's poor dog, still strapped to the roof of the Gremlin (cb3719)

  72. You dumb ass Republicans don’t have the guts to go to the juggular.

    B. H. Obama (7dbcdc)

  73. I pity the fools who can’t see my controllable expenditures clearly declining above.

    Rick Perry's New Math (bf33e9)

  74. We really need everyone to vote for mr.romney. Please play nice together.

    kernel hohum (44de53)

  75. Anyone but Obama!

    Average Voter of any stripe (c65c00)

  76. I think Mitt Romney should have a threesome with Nancy Pelosi and Bawney Fwank.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  77. “I think Mitt Romney should have a threesome with Nancy Pelosi and Bawney Fwank.”

    Dohbiden – After you’re finished? Palomino!

    daleyrocks (bf33e9)

  78. If muslims were right-wing the left would throw them under the bus.

    They don’t so they aren’t.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  79. Any discussion about Christmas with a pagan, communist Kenyan, Stalinist Muslim Wall Street lover lkike Obama in the White House is absurd. Let me just say in all candor, there’s nothing merry about this Christmas or the Christmases to come and it’s time for Americans to stop believing Uncle Sam is really Santa Claus. And no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. Because I’m off the ballot there now, too. Because as the highest paid historian in the history of history, I know both Sam and Santa are completely fictional characters. My judgment is superior to most Americans. Because I’m a historian. And speaking of superior judgments, arresting as many superior judges as possible I say decided wrongly for America is crucial. Because this election is a crucial as the election of 1860. When there were just thirty-three states, folks used outhouses and lived in cabins with dirt floors, just as Rick Perry was living in the modern Texas of 1955; when women and slaves knew their places in the kitchen, cotton fields and could not vote. When America was divided and water fountains were segregated. Just like schools across America. Did I agree with Brown versus the Board of Education decision made by an activist Supreme Court? No matter, because although the liberal media elite insist tea is white, we know tea is brown. Like my shirts. And I look and sound very smart in my brown shirts– each with a Tiffany diamond stickpin, all gifts from Callista, especially when I wear them with my khaki lederhosen and polished jack boots addressing crowds for $60,000 a speech. Now some liberals will say it takes a lot of ‘gaul’ to assert such hard line positions in an election year as crucial as that facing the divided America of 1860. In fact, it only takes having the courage of a gauleiter. And with a Bic lighter, together we can light the world by the fires of our ignorance as we burn the laws and opinions we disagree with. Doesn’t that sort of sound like I know what I’m talking about? Of course not, but we’ve been dumbing you down for years so when I profess twenty dollar concepts with five dollar words, exhausted voters working three jobs with twenty-five cent intellects and ten second attention spans just trying to survive miss most of whaT I say and are easily persuaded. Did I mention Ronald Reagan yet? There I just did. Again. Of course Bic is a French conglomerate, but as we know, corporations are people, and those people know how to make money. And money talks. Like people. Which makes them corporations. Homer Simpson talks, too, so he must be a corporation and a person as well. But he says ‘share the wealth’ to his boy which makes him a radical leftist pinko, just like the Red Chinese communists propping up American capitalism today, thanks to the Stalinist Marxist socialist one marriage father of two, Obama. Have I mentioned I love women? As often as possible. Reagan and I called it ‘family values.’ W.C. Fields said, ‘I’d rather have two girls at 21 each, than a woman at 42.’ He knew Ronald Reagan in Hollywood. Who was W.C. Fields? He was a celebrity, just like me and Ronald Reagan. Did I mention Ronald Reagan? There, I just did. Again. 2012 will be as crucial a year as the election of 1860. The polls show it. And this week, I’m slipping in every poll– even at the North Pole. Nevertheless, did you know under Obamacare, Santa Claus will be forced to buy health insurance for himself, Mrs. Claus and the elves which means layoffs and fewer toys for kiddies around America made in China. Santa is a job creator. Fantasy jobs, but still, they’re jobs all the same. Did I mention the pagan Obama will be closing post offices with holiday postmarks, too? Ronald Reagan would never close those post offices. He closed others in small towns and big cities, instead. Did I mention Ronald Reagan? There, I just did. Again. Middle aged conservatives, around 45 years old, adore Ronald Reagan. Worship Ronald Reagan. Did I mention Reagan? There, I just did, three times. A hat-trick! Of course, if you turned 45 after November 6, 2011 or are even a day younger, you never voted for Ronald Reagan. Because you were 17 the last time Ronald Reagan was on a ballot on Novermber 6, 1984. Unless you’re from Texas where the governor seems to think the voting age is 21. No matter. Did I mention Reagan? There, I just did. Again. Reagan hasn’t been on a ballot in 27 years. Which is what made Alex P. Keaton so funny way back in the early 1980s, when 45 year olds today were in high school and Ronald Reagan and I were inventing ketchup soup to feed you. Did I mention Ronald Reagan? There, I just did. Again. Of course if this was 1860 and you were a slave or a woman, you couldn’t vote either. But you could listen to Lincoln debate Douglas if you showed up with a tent, a bench, some lemonade and had a lot of time on your hands. Because those debates went on for six, seven, eight hours… over days. Which is why I want to debate Mitt and the socialist Stalinist, the communist Kenyan Obama whose in the pocket of Wall Street. So you can listen to me, talk more about me, endlessly.

    Now my opponents label me a “bomb thrower.” That’s utterly absurd. In fact, I’m a gas bag. Like the Hindenburg. And as I constantly fume and leak inflammatory remarks, I ignite controversy wherever I drift. I will lead America like the led zeppelin I am did into history. Next stop, my headquarters in Lakehurst, New Jersey, where I will try to coax Governor Soprano to back me. Should I try? Forgettdaboudit, he’s already planning to be Mitt’s VeePee and his Jersey attitude should make all Americans west of Trenton and south of Secaucus swoon. Of course, that’s a back-handed swipe at Italian-Americans. Who are all immigrants, just like the Mexicans who swarm across our unprotected borders at night to harvest our crops and steal our healthcare. Of course the borders could be protected if it was well lighted and I’ve repeatedly proposed putting mirrors into space to direct sunlight down to power streetlamps along the border at night. I can tell you it is dark at night for half the day at most places around the world. How do I know this? Because I’m a historian and I like to sound like I know something about the planet. Like how warm it’s getting, which Nancy Pelosi and I told you in a TV commercial. I’m sure you saw it. The climate is changing. At both poles. And with my polls as well. Half of America is officially poor, according to the census. Of course that’s just another needless poll invented by liberal thinkers– the same liberals who penned it into the Constitution. Now I ask you matter of factly, would Ronald Reagan have signed on to that? Did I mention Ronald Reagan? There, I just did. Again. =inhale= Any discussion about Christmas with a pagan, communist Kenyan…

    Newt Gingrich (9d1bb3)

  80. ^^Someone has way too much time on their hands.

    Sockpuppet Jr. (c65c00)

  81. Newt you idiot Hillary-care is like Obama-care so your inconsistent in supporting one and not the another.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  82. Gotta love the conspiracy theorists insisting the Vatican hired a right-wing assassin to kill their own pope who opposed abortion.

    Dohbiden (ef98f0)

  83. Let me just say, in all candor, as the highest paid historian in the history of history, my failure to secure enough signatures to make the Virginia ballot is as big a disaster for me, alone, as the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in December, 1941 was for all of America, when over 2,400 Americans were killed and plunged the nation into the Second World War… or was that the second part of the First World War with a twenty three year break… we historians like to debate that for hours on end, just like Lincoln and Douglas debated, which is why you’ll love to hear me talk for hours on end about me when I debate the communist Kenyan, socialist Stalinist, friend of capitalist Wall Street Obama. Because I will be the GOP nominee. Did you know on September 11, 2001, I compared the 9/11 attacks, which killed thousands of Americans, as disastrous to America as the Pearl Harbor attack as well? So Virginians to me are no better than Al Quida. Of course, you know I live in Virginia as well, which means I must despise myself, and was aware of these ballot requirements ahead of time, like the Army and Navy had the information about the Pearl Harbor attack hours ahead of time, too. That’s why I’m a historian and the highest paid historian in the history of history. Of course my first marriage was as disastrous for me as Pickett’s charge was for the Confederate traitors at Gettysburg, and my second marriage as disastrous as Custer’s defeat at the Little Bighorn. But my ethics problems were only as bad as the Cuban Missile Crisis was for the world and my adultery as embarrassing as the shoot down of Gary Powers’ U-2 when he was spying on Russia for Ike. But my current case of diarrhea from having to eat all that Iowa corn is as big a disaster for my digestion system as the explosion of the Hindenburg in 1937. Did you know that the only bigger azz in America than me is stitched to the butt-end of the King Kong exhibit at Universal in Florida? Which brings to mind Ronald Reagan. Did I mention Ronald Reagan yet? There, I just did. Twice. =inhale= Let me just say…

    Newt Gingrich (9d1bb3)

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