Patterico's Pontifications


Sockpuppet Wednesday—The Clean and Fresh Edition!

Filed under: General — Aaron Worthing @ 3:36 am

[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here.  Or by Twitter @AaronWorthing.]

So hey, its Wednesday of Thanksgiving week, which is sort of like a Friday, right?  But don’t worry, I will get you a sockpuppet Friday, too.  So you have a veritable cornucopia of sockpuppet threads!

As usual, you are positively encouraged to engaged in sockpuppetry on this thread. The usual rules apply.

Please be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself.

And remember, the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.


And for this week’s Friday Frivolity, it turns out that people will cheat at anything, even really stupid things.  Like for instance, online multiplayer video games.  You get no money from it, you get no girls, you get no fame, but for some reason people want to cheat in it.  So then companies have to ban people for it.  The most recent example of this was for the new game Modern Warfare 3, which is a multiplayer game with a vestigial single player game attached to it, which is now instituting bans on people who cheat in multiplayer.

The funny part, however, is Robert Bowling announcing the rules on the ban.  You can get reported in-game apparently and the ban has to do with a careful balancing of feminine hygiene products.  From his twitter account:

Every ban [is] unique to the level of douchiness of the offense. The greater the douche the greater the length. PermaDouche possible.

Which technically is a mixed metaphor.  I mean first, the douche is the person who cheats, or maybe the cheat itself.  Then it becomes the ban, the cleansing if you will.  There is no word on whether any soft-focus Crisco-cam* commercials showing two women in a pastoral scene discussing how sometimes they just don’t feel fresh will be involved.

Meanwhile IGN gets waaaay too deep into the psychology of the people posting user ratings on Metacritic for Modern Warfare 3.  I don’t find it difficult to understand why people would rate a game as either a 0 or a 10.  I figure they see it almost like just voting if they like it, rather than trying to give a finely calibrated rating, that is all.


* Sometimes when a camera operator wants to obscure details he or she smears a little Crisco on the lens to give it a softening effect.  Certain older figures use it a lot to obscure their wrinkles.

[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing.]

50 Responses to “Sockpuppet Wednesday—The Clean and Fresh Edition!”

  1. I haven’t felt clean and fresh since Sept 17.

    OWSer, spreading the wealth on the side of local cop cars (3e92e3)

  2. Obama used to make me feel fresh, but not so much anymore.

    Chris "Tingles" Matthews (3e92e3)

  3. Not a sock puppet comment, but sorry for the magically disappearing post.

    Aaron Worthing (e7d72e)

  4. If only those stupid hick religious bigots would listen to me. I keep telling them: you don’t need a conscience to be Catholic, silly!

    Nancy Pelosi (3e92e3)

  5. Imma quit. [sob] ‘feets, don’t fail me now!

    Wheeler's wheal bs (721840)

  6. Can I buy a Catholic conscience? I made an IPO killing.

    Nancy Pelosi (721840)

  7. Lookit me – I can sandbag Michelle Bachmann on national TV and save the apology for Twitter!

    …What? The lying-ass b**** doesn’t deserve more than 140 characters anyway, amirite?

    Jimmy Fallon, apparently in HD stereo (325a59)

  8. If we only had a nickel for everytime the word “douche” is used on the internet. Talk about uber weathly.

    Massengill Products (c65c00)


    Oh wait, that’s not popular?

    OK. I changed my mind. Flippy floppy flowers, ACTIVATE!!!!

    How dare anyone support amnesty? I am the loudest opponent of it in the entire country, actually!

    Mitt Romney (cb3719)

  10. My first name is Mitt!

    Willard M Romney (563f77)

  11. The emails are out, it is being suppressed by the MSM and the Farm Industry. Tryptophan is a cancer causing agent and it contributes to Global Warming. Ban all Tryptophan processing and gathering! Think of the children please, think of the Polar Bears, think of all the rising sea levels, think of all the vaccines that won’t need to be forced on folks from cancer caused by Tryptophan.

    Thomas G. Turkey (84ebcd)

  12. Maybe there really are two Mitt Romneys, Willard?

    A Willard and a Mitt?

    That’s one explanation for why there do appear to be two guys out there who appear to be diametrically opposed to each other on every single thing?

    Last night was Mitt’s turn!

    So Willard Romney loves Amnesty, high spending, ‘strong’ gun control, abortion, and hates America. Mitt Romney hates all that.

    Either that, or Mitt is actually an airhead who memorizes smartly drafted policy views and recites them on command, but actually has no core understanding or philosophy and doesn’t even remember what his name is because he’s devoted his brain to memorizing what’s been poll tested.

    But that couldn’t be, because his loud shills will tell you that he’s actually very very very very very very smart despite all the stupid things he’s said.

    Living Colour (cb3719)

  13. You want all people to get voter ID’s? Don’t you know that black people are too stupid to be able to do that, you racist!

    Kay-man (e7d72e)

  14. You guys are evil wingnut dictators who support Franco of spain.


    Angeleno (ef98f0)

  15. You guys are evil wingnut dictators who support Franco of spain.

    Angeleno (ef98f0)

  16. Only stupid people can’t figure out how to get an ID.

    Why are you talking about black people like that?

    Why do I assume stupid = black? because you’re racist!

    Why is everyone laughing?

    Kman (cb3719)

  17. If you oppose food stamps you want children to starve.

    Angeleno (ef98f0)

  18. Well, everybody have a nice thanksgiving, even you goofballs who like that Romney goofball.

    Dustin (cb3719)

  19. Free Willy!

    Mitt Romney's Mother (22a00c)

  20. Free Willy? I have been trying to, but Hillary won’t let me!

    Bill Clinton (e7d72e)

  21. erman-hay ain-kay aped-ray him some ite-way immin-way.

    EricPWJohnson (f2e91e)

  22. You can waterboard me all you want. I will never admit that I think blacks and other racial minorities are socially or intellectually incapable of meeting voter ID standards.

    Kman (f2e91e)

  23. I can’t get an ID to vote.

    Alex Trebek (cb3719)






    Kman (cb3719)

  25. I’m sorrrrrrrry. The correct answer was “Who is Hitler?”

    Alex Trebek (cb3719)

  26. >:(

    Sean Connery (cb3719)

  27. I am shocked, shocked to discover that convicted felons, (how have no voting rights in Wisconsin), and an Illinois resident used the address of my out of zoning compliance by over filling properties, to same day register to vote in a Wisconsin election, thus committing voter fraud. On the other hand there is no such thing as voter fraud. Nothing to see here, keep moving please.

    Lena Taylor, D-Wis. St. Senator (a1fcca)

  28. OK, the clue is “People who annoy you.”

    …. actually, never mind… I can already see where this is going, Kman.

    Pat Sajack (cb3719)

  29. Seriously. You can apply wet jumper cables to my nipples, whack my naked a$$ with a studded leather paddle, pour wet candle wax on my junk — oh yeah! my safe word is “caining”; get it? come on, do it harder, you wuss!!! — but I will never betray the disdain I have for this voting block poor put upon group of people.

    Did I write “the disdain”? Sorry. I meant “any disdain”. I apologize for any and all misrepresentation on my part. Please allow me to beg forgiveness . . . on my knees like the dog that I am, with the ball-gag in my filthy mouth, relieving myself on the carpet and being summarily beaten with a three-line whip for my bad behavior — oh God, make it sting!!!! Make me beg for mercy and then make me beg for more; I love it sooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    Kman (f2e91e)

  30. Hey everyone:
    “If you change your mind
    I’m the first in line
    Honey I’m still free
    Take a chance on me.”

    Newt, the best I'm not Mitt guy (a1fcca)

  31. That’s ok Kman. All will be forgiven if you contribute lots of money to me and vote a straight Democratic ticket next election. To verify your vote, you will fill in an absentee ballot supervised by members of the New Black Panther Party.

    Obamaman (a1fcca)

  32. Tatyana Limanova you are one lucky ho. If you were in the US, Eric Holder would have your sorry butt in jail for flipping me the bird. Then my wife would come to your cell and beat the tar outta you.

    Obamaman (a1fcca)

  33. I’d pardon that turkey, Jack Johnson (D-former county exec P.G. county MD)and his wife Leslie (bribes in the bra), but they haven’t been sentenced yet. May be next year.

    Obamaman (a1fcca)

  34. What is Sarah Palin?

    Answer-Who is a dumb bytch who loves to masturbate.

    Angeleno (ef98f0)

  35. Hey Mr. President, while you are issuing pardons to turkeys, could you flip one my way? You could start with the cocain and tax evasion convictions.

    Marion Barry (a1fcca)

  36. Angeleno, you just answered a question with a question you twit. You start with the answer: A dumb.. etc. etc.
    Question: Who is Hillary Clinton?

    Alex Trebek (a1fcca)

  37. Thanksgiving? Yes,well, it’s about time. You’d think you’d have been thanking Me all along.

    President Barack H. Obama, Healer of Planets and Suppressor of Tides, who really _doesn't _ like people, as it turns out (325a59)

  38. Angeleno:
    As a “bytch who loves to masturbate” I will have Eric’s people throw you in a cell and beat you with a phonebook for calling me “dumb.”

    Nancy P (a1fcca)

  39. Well, I do kind of like Reggie Love, but now he left me. Looking for a new love now.

    President B. Hussein Obama (c65c00)

  40. Don’t you go looking any place else for love. Who do you think you are, that Arkansas white trash Bill Clinton?

    Michelle the Bell of the White House (a1fcca)

  41. Quick: there’s only a few minutes left to tune into Fox & Friends this Thanksgiving morning, to see my awesome legs in a short red dress.

    Juliet Huddy (f68855)

  42. So what if I was briefing Democrat staffers on how to deal with the Supercommittee failure after taunting the Republcians in my op pieces in the business section for months. My job title is Leftist business op writer, a position I got after Steve retired. The positon of Shill for the Democrats was already taken by Dana Murbank.

    Erza Klein of WAPO (a1fcca)

  43. 41.Quick: there’s only a few minutes left to tune into Fox & Friends this Thanksgiving morning, to see my awesome legs in a short red dress.

    Comment by Juliet Huddy — 11/24/2011 @ 5:27 am

    No thanks! I’m into hairy man gams.

    k-man (721840)

  44. And there they were, a group of Patterico’s finest bloggers grouped around the table, past differences pushed aside as they gathered for the feast. They metaphorically stabbed Obama with their steely knives, but they just can’t — whoops! Hold everything; the choo-choo in me head momentarily derailed. Okay, back on track:

    So, after everyone politely laughed when JD said the baster looked like a “douchenozzle”, Mr Frey carved the bird while Mrs DRJ politely served. Nishi said grace, with nary a hint of irony, and then those assembled dug in . . . dug into each other, that is. 

    It began when feets, who may have downed one too-many glasses of N/A cider, said something under his breath about preferring a Thompson’s turkey to “that hoochie bird what’s spreading its legs and showing its giblets!” Eric, who for perhaps the first time in his adult life finally understood a reference, chimed in with, “Yeah, next thing you know it’s gonna raise taxes!”

    At this point Doh leapt to his feet and announced, “I – have had – enough – of you!” hurdling over Some chump and attempting to stab Eric in the eyes with his corn-on-the-cob holders. Luckily, after Stashiu threatened to put him into time-out Doh soon forgot about whatever had made him so mad, and slumped back in his chair whilst suspiciously eyeing the “green” beans. 

    Everyone returned to what they had been doing. Karl and Mark continued their lengthy conversation, while a surly nk sulked in the corner, challenging anyone that dared look his way to get in his face on a public sidewalk. Ehrenstein made eyes at Klompus, and soon saw the error of his ways. Kman, feeling himself not worthy, sat tight, content to observe the proceedings from the safety of his perch, just outside the 100 yard order-of-protection boundary. 

    At the grownup’s table, civility was maintained, with elissa and Chuck B, Gerald A and Ag80, SPQR and PatAZ, aphrael and no one you know, and especially EW1(SG) and the Philly MD all comporting themselves well. 

    Unfortunately, things were not so calm over at the “kids” table. Milhouse, narciso and 11B40 could only look on in abject horror as Dustin and Haiku fought over the wishbone. Beldar and carlitos and The Dana That Found This To Be In Very Poor Taste beat a hasty retreat as the Colonel what rhymes and the kernel what doesn’t threw down over which stem of the wishbone possessed more substance. Haiku’s stem was named Willard; Dustin’s stick was called Richard. 

    As the row-de-dow commenced, those spectators straining to see over Pat’s security fence — Sparticles and Hooten and imdw and tifosa and angeleno and Larry Reilly — began placing bets on the outcome. Pelto was asked to referee but declined, claiming it was far beneath his station to do so. The Emperor volunteered, but nobody was comfortable with any foreign influence in the process. Finally, Aaron assigned Sammy F to the task; Scott J and S Jester were chosen as linesmen. 

    After Sammy the ref had them shake hands and turn their shirts inside out the battle commenced. Haiku led off with a classic feint, making as if to move one way, then reversing course and approaching his opponent from a new angle. Dustin parried this attack with a strong initial thrust that soon faded when he forgot what his next move was supposed to be. 

    Aware of the commotion in the dining room, the host — sitting out on the lanai, sipping a tall cool one and regaling Bradley J with tales of his brush with almost greatness — did his best Homer Simpson: “yeah, but what are ya gonna do?”

    Eventually, the combatants wearied; both of them a little bloodied, nothing resolved. Everyone thanked their host, and all were invited to come back next year — even little Nishi, despite clear evidence that she had left a “deposit” in one of Pat’s houseplants.  

    And as they slowly filed out —  redc1c4 and IgotBupkis carrying an unconscious Doh, who had taken a swing at daleyrocks and whiffed, hitting himself in the nads instead — their host said to them, “Thank you one and all for once again reminding me what a great and special country this is, and how we all should be thankful for the privilege of living here.”

    God bless, everyone.

    [Dedicated to AD – RtR/OS!, just because]

    For Those Here Assembled (6f50d8)

  45. Answer-This woman is a dumb bytch.

    Question-Who Is Michelle Bachmann?

    Angeleno (ef98f0)

  46. Interest in banks is against Jewish law too you hypocritical islamophobes.

    Angeleno (ef98f0)

  47. Sad, Angeleno, really sad that it took you two days to come up with a response to Alex. You work for the White House, right?

    Michele Bachmann (a1fcca)

  48. Angeleno you twit, you still can’t get it right, can you? Do you work for the Democrats?
    Now repeat after me..
    Answer: A dumb bytch.
    Question: Who is the FLOTUS?

    Alex Trebeck (a1fcca)

  49. Yes I do work for the democraps.

    Do you work for the ultra-right islamophobic Westboro Baptist church people who oppose a womans right to have abortions?

    Yes they gave money to Gore and Clinton but never gonna let get facts in my way.

    Angeleno (ef98f0)

  50. Sad Bachmann you and Trebeck are teaming up with that fag Palin.

    Angeleno (ef98f0)

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