Sockpuppet Friday—The Divine Intervention Edition!
[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here. Or by Twitter @AaronWorthing.]
As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sockpuppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.
Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself.
And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.
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And for this bit of Friday Frivolity, we get this bit from an Islamofascist website: apparently the Earthquake was divine punishment by Allah for something or other. I think the most amazing thing about this piece is that it was written after it became known how weak the quake was. Via the Daily Caller:
According to a posting titled “Allah’s punishment on Americans” on the Shoumokh Al-Islam jihadi forum by someone writing under the name Abu Ibrahim, “Allah has struck New York and the capital city Washington by an earthquake as a punishment for their disbelief.”
“Such a little earthquake that measured 6.0 has terrified the tyrant American people and forced them to leave their houses and places of work,” Ibrahim continued. The posting was provided to The Daily Caller by The Middle East Media Research Institute, which reasonably noted that it doesn’t find Ibrahim’s rantings particularly important.
Sheesh, is that the best Allah can do? Well, that is nothing compared to what my God did to the British when they messed with America. From a Cracked piece entitled 6 Real Historic Battles Decided by Divine Intervention, we get this vignette (warning, bad language ahead):
#4. The Burning of Washington Ended by a Tornado
In 1812, the fledgling and shiny new United States declared war on Britain again, because shit, it sure was fun the last time. This turned out to be kind of a bad decision. After a really determined, last-ditch attempt by the United States to conquer Canada, shit got real for the adolescent nation during the War of 1812, when a British invasion stormed up the Chesapeake for Washington, D.C.
Naturally, President Madison did not like seeing the nation’s capital being fondled by some sex-starved limeys, especially since the Americans had just kind of sacked and burned present-day Toronto. On Aug. 24, 1814, at the Battle of Bladensburg, the city’s last defense was reduced to a mob of panicking, screaming Marylanders in an ass-whooping hence referred to as “the greatest disgrace ever dealt to American arms.”
Madison had no choice but to grab the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence under both arms and get the hell out of Washington. The British promptly marched into the defenseless city, burned the White House and U.S. Capitol, and, just to be dicks about it, the Library of Congress as well. To add insult to injury, before they torched the White House, the Brits actually raided the White House fridge, enjoyed a toast using official booze, looted the mansion and probably raided the first lady’s panty drawer.
The Divine Intervention:
While the Brits probably felt the burning of Washington was a righteous act of retribution, they definitely pissed off the wrong deity when they desecrated the U.S. capital. With the city in flames, God punished the redcoats with the sort of smiting usually reserved for characters straight out of the Old Testament.
A goddamn tornado touched down — which almost never happens in the capital — and plowed a path of instant terror right through downtown D.C., uprooting trees, lifting cannons and tossing the hapless redcoats around like maple leaves. The British were forced to flee the city after learning exactly whose side God was on — after all, he did nothing when the Americans torched Canada.
So, suck on that, Allah. Yahweh knows how to throw down.
(Note: Please don’t take anything I wrote above very seriously. It is intentionally offensive for humor’s sake.)
[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing.]
Obama has done to the economy what pantyhose did for foreplay.
Kinky Friedman (3c0634) — 8/26/2011 @ 6:41 amIrene will create plenty of jobs, and if it doesn’t, I’ll blame it for the continued poor unemployment numbers. Either way, IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!
President Downgrade (e7577d) — 8/26/2011 @ 6:46 amWe’ve just had some bad luck.
B.H. Obama (1dc34f) — 8/26/2011 @ 6:46 amShit happens.
G.W. Bush (1dc34f) — 8/26/2011 @ 6:47 amIf this tragedy is divine punishment, what does that make the 6.6 magnitude earthquake that killed 26,000 Iranians in 2003? And the 9.1 magnitude earthquake and tsunami in 2004 that killed 230,000 in Indonesia and other Muslim countries?
aunursa (41236f) — 8/26/2011 @ 6:53 amWhich surging GOP candidate is this week’s target? I’m can’t keep up…
MSM reporter (41236f) — 8/26/2011 @ 6:56 amaun
I thought about that too. But for Indonesia, some islamonuts thought it WAS divine punishment directed @ places like Bangkok & good Muslims hit by that was collateral damage. Fwiw…
Aaron Worthing (d56362) — 8/26/2011 @ 7:23 amDivine intervention? I thought we discussed this already when I received my new bionic rectum!
Barney Frank, Rep. from the Gay State (4ae072) — 8/26/2011 @ 7:29 amHey, Obama at #3… I had some bad luck too. Do you remember a little thing called 9-11? And we had to shut down all the airlines for a few days. And then enron turned out to be cooking their books. And yet somehow I kept unemployment below 7% while only adding $4 trillion to the debt in eight years.
George W. Bush (e7d72e) — 8/26/2011 @ 7:47 amDivine Intervention happens whey you say the name of a deity and the Dungeon Master rolls a 01 on a d100.
At least, that’s how we did it in college. AND WE LIKED IT!
Old School D&D Player (6048a8) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:08 amYou fools will never defeat me! I actually have you right where I want you. The rebels are liars, you have no control of Tripoli. My million man army will sweep them out like rats.
Dennis Kucinich understands that this is an illegal war of aggression. Why don’t you wingnuts?
M. Ghadaffi (e14859) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:11 amShould be singing “Goodnight Irene” in Washington and New York over the next week?
Kingston Trio (481f2a) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:19 amJust wait until you ignorant Rethugs see the economic stimulus that’s gonna result from having to repair all the damage Irene does. As I think Lord Keynes would have said, we’re gonna be rolling in puppies!
Paul Krugman (83a043) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:33 amThis isn’t funny so much as sad:
Chuck Bartowski (4c6c0c) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:42 amLegislator claims you can be shot by an unloaded gun
Not THAT button, Max!!
Professor Fate (8096f2) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:48 amIf that bi**h Irene thinks she can interrupt my vacay #99, she has another think coming.
Michelle Obam (da3db7) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:55 amI’m not dead yet.
Hana Gadaffy (6451eb) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:29 amI’m not dead yet, either.
Abdelbaset Mohmed Ali al-Megrahi (6451eb) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:30 amDitto!
The Supreme Leader of Libya for Life (255b30) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:31 amI see that there are serious floods in an Iranian Holy City;
The Most Reverend Jeremiah Wright (985f21) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:39 amjust what in the Hell did they do wrong?
What do you mean I have to share MY plane back to DC with that president?
$10MM Michelle (985f21) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:42 amNot much longer, Michelle.
The American Voting Public (da3db7) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:44 amWhy did Chris Christie decide to ask Jeb for his advice………………..they are amnesty shills.
DohBiden (d54602) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:45 amThat babe, Condi Rice, is super HOT!
Gadaffy (da3db7) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:46 amI care so much I used TOTUS and pre-recorded a hurricane message. If this isn’t as horrific as Katrina, it will show that I made the waters quit rising, and used my powers of awesomeness for good to save the entire eastern seaboard.
Barack (318f81) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:47 amAnd those great legs.
Ariel Sharon's Inner Self (da3db7) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:48 amPOTUS has played more golf than me this month (and I am a professional golfer). I have created or saved more jobs than the President as well.
Paul Azinger (318f81) — 8/26/2011 @ 9:49 amHere’s a link proving that it’s all Bush’s fault: link
sparticvs (6048a8) — 8/26/2011 @ 10:08 amI have a dream that one day, after paying $800,000 of extortion money, corrupt bureaucrats and Chinese Communists will get together and make a half-assed sculpture of me using Asian slave labor while the unemployed fathers of black and white little boys and girls look on with faces full of disgust and despair.
MLK Jr. (5fc583) — 8/26/2011 @ 10:13 amLet’s see: of the 25 deadliest earthquakes of all time, 4 were in Iran, 2 in Pakistan, 1 in Turkey, 1 in Indonesia,1 in Turkmenistan (89% Muslim) and and 1 in Syria.
Somebody don’t like somebody, that’s for sure!
FaxRstubborn (534223) — 8/26/2011 @ 10:20 amLet’s see…earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis. What else can I blame on Bush? Oh yeah-my performance!
Pres. Barack Obama (f8a299) — 8/26/2011 @ 10:42 amSo, some clown of Allah, thinks the earthquake was divine intervention? I just collapsed Hurricane Irene’s eyewall, how’s THAT for divine intervention, you Islamic idiot!
God Almighty (4ae072) — 8/26/2011 @ 10:46 amOh, and Barack, quit moving around so much. I had to downgrade the earthquake because you weren’t in D.C., and now I had to downgrade the hurricane because you left Martha’s Golfyard before I could there.
God Almighty (4ae072) — 8/26/2011 @ 10:57 amSo that big round orange thing in the sky has more to with global warming than your cars???
Al Gore (786e37) — 8/26/2011 @ 11:14 am#33:
Obviously, God, you are another redneck teabagger.
Racist J. Garofalo (890cbf) — 8/26/2011 @ 11:19 amMy name be Richard Cheney;
Richard Cheney (9d1bb3) — 8/26/2011 @ 11:22 amVeePee; a pisser; a prick;
A Neocon most zany;
But to you, I’m just a Dick.
Dear Racist J. Garfalo,
God Almighty (4ae072) — 8/26/2011 @ 11:44 amI tried and tried to convince you not to drink the Kool-Aid. But I also gave you free will. So it’s a wash. As for being a “redneck teabagger,” yes, I am, as I try to be all things for all of my people. It’s not too late to come back to the flock, Janeane. BTW, I thought you spelled your name “Garofalo.” Please stop drinking the Kool-Aid.
When krakatoa blew up over 100 years ago with a giant tsusami, the imams told the illiterate natives it was cause by allah because they were not good muslims and succeeded in converting most of these ignorant people that were still practicing cannabilism. It worked once, why not do it again.Only liberals like obama repeat things that fail.
dunce (8dd87b) — 8/26/2011 @ 1:03 pmWhy are you people trying to gloss over Bush’s unnecessary war?
sparticvs (9a213d) — 8/26/2011 @ 7:33 pmPlease excuse my typos as I am diddling my bunghole.
sparticvs (318f81) — 8/26/2011 @ 7:39 pmPlease let me apologize for MY mis-spelling of “Racist J. Garofalo,” and then chastising her/him/sockpuppet for MY mis-spelling. Zeus dropped by and supplied me with SPIKED nectar, and I wasn’t quite as observant as I SHOULD have been. I am a JUST God, but not always a Perfect One. Please accept my apology.
As for sparticvs, please stop diddling your bunghole, WE are not amused. How would you like an Archangel to drop down and REALLY give you a reaming? I’ve got somebody in mind.
God Almighty (cea8aa) — 8/26/2011 @ 7:54 pmSo, we can’t fart in Afghanistan. OK, our new motto is “Silent, but deadly.”
Seal Team Six (3e4c20) — 8/26/2011 @ 8:40 pmHurricane Irene will not strike Virginia Beach.
The Rev Pat Robertson (f68855) — 8/27/2011 @ 2:13 pmComment by sparticvs — 8/26/2011 @ 7:33 pm
It’s called “putting lipstick on a pig”, dontcha know.
Sarah Palin (3370e1) — 8/27/2011 @ 2:16 pmWhile hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps.
stasi_momak (bf33e9) — 8/27/2011 @ 2:39 pmWhat’s the best thing about having sex with twenty five year olds?
There are twenty of them!!
Cardinal Mahoney (e84e27) — 8/28/2011 @ 12:55 amGet your own five year olds Cardinal. I’ve got my own supply out here.
Bill "I Like Kids" Maher (bf33e9) — 8/28/2011 @ 10:58 amThe 2nd amendment states you have the right to bear arms.
Guns don’t kill people
People kill people.
DohBiden (d54602) — 8/29/2011 @ 9:59 pmOsama Bin Laden hates us because we’re non-muslims.
DohBiden (d54602) — 8/31/2011 @ 8:58 am