Patterico's Pontifications


Sockpuppet Friday—the Scarlett Says “No” Edition

Filed under: General — Aaron Worthing @ 6:41 am

[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here.  Or by Twitter @AaronWorthing.]

As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sockpuppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.

Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself.

And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.


And for this week’s Friday frivolity, do you remember how a marine asked out Mila Kunis and got her to go the Marine Corps Ball, and she said yes?  You might even know that Justin Timberlake also agreed to go with a woman in the marine corps.  Well, apparently Scarlett Johansson is saying “no” to another marine:

Unlike Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, sexpot actress Scarlett Johansson declined an invitation to the Marine Corps Ball.

Johansson, who was asked to the major event by Sgt. Dustin L. Williams, wrote in a statement to Zap2it that she was moved by the military man’s gesture but unable to accept due to some other plans she’d made.

“I feel incredibly honored to have been invited to the Marine Corps Ball by Sgt. Dustin L. Williams,” the actress wrote. “Not only does Sgt. Williams deserve recognition for his bravery, selflessness and dedication to the United States and its people, but he also displays a cheeky talent for film making. Sgt. Williams, unfortunately due to prior commitments I will not be able to attend the Ball with you this year.”

The 26-year-old “He’s Just Not That into You” star did, however, offer some drinks.

“I am sending you a case of Moet and Chandon with gratitude,” Johansson continued. “In my absence, I raise a glass to you and all the men and women of the U.S. Marine Corps, past and present, in thanks for your continued commitment to preserving the safety of our nation.”

Truthfully, while it is always cool when a celebrity does a thing like that for our fighting men and women, they shouldn’t be expected to say yes to every person who goes on the internet asking them out even if that person is a Marine.  So I suspect she could go if she wanted to but just decided she didn’t want to and I am cool with that.  But on the other hand, you have to feel for the guy to know what he is missing out on…

(Rule 5 is in effect, ya’ll.)

By the way, speaking of Avengers, you can watch a little footage from the Avengers movie here, but be warned it spoils some of the end of Captain America (although bluntly, about 50% of the people going to see that movie already know what it spoils).  Man, if they manage to put that together with a reasonable plot…

[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing.]

93 Responses to “Sockpuppet Friday—the Scarlett Says “No” Edition”

  1. Okay in truth, I am busy the day of the Marine Corps Ball with my stud muffin, Aaron Worthing. That is if I can keep that slut Grace Park away from him.

    Scarlett Johansson (73a7ea)

  2. Scarlett, you’re hot, but you better watch how you talk about our sister.

    Linkin Park (325a59)

  3. You never know what might happen.

    Jurassic Park (325a59)

  4. Someone might leave your cake out in the rain, IYKWIMAITYD

    MacArthur Park (325a59)

  5. Comment by MacArthur Park — 7/29/2011 @ 6:50 am

    Oh shaddup willya — ya always makin’ threats you never do em. If I toldja once I done tole ya a million times–

    Fenway Park (325a59)

  6. My dear boys…Cannot we defend the honor of our dear sister without crass commentary, and without neglecting to appreciate the gracious gesture of Ms. Johansson in sending libations to the ball?

    Gosford Park (325a59)

  7. Did everyone hear? I’m going to speak again today! From the Diplomatic Reception Room, no less. So no matter how insulting I get, no one will be able to say I’M not the adult in the room. So there! **pthbbbbbt**

    President Barack H. Obama, Healer of Planets and Suppressor of Tides, all packed for vacation and ready to PARTAY! (325a59)

  8. Finally! After years of fruitless blogging, someone finally understood what I meant!!!

    Pamela Geller (66746e)

  9. won colonel’s heart when
    scarlett cop billy bob’s joint
    Man Who Wasn’t There

    ColonelHaiku (8a1a1f)

  10. I dance on the corpses of the dead to smear my political opponents and accuse them of things that they are in no way responsible for, all while making shlt up and plagiarizing. I hate, therefore I exist.

    william yelverton (0d2ffc)

  11. william Wolverton
    Sioux call him “Dances with Sheep”
    you call that dancing!?!?

    ColonelHaiku (8a1a1f)

  12. I don’t dance with sheep. I bugger them. Underage and not consensual. And goats.

    william yelverton (306f5d)

  13. The real reason I will not accept the invitation to the Marine Corps Ball is because I’ve been with Sean Penn. Need I say more?

    Scarlett (43c312)

  14. Im trying to save life as we know it on this planet from these middle earth Tea Party Hobbits. And you know they must really be hobbits ‘cause McCain has seen me in person.

    Nancy Pelosi (f060a0)

  15. Manhattan chicks don’t play.

    Bigfoot (8096f2)

  16. Nancy said we were only having a cup of tea when we sat together on that couch. Pinky swear!

    Newt Gingrich (43c312)

  17. Anders Breivik is not one of us. Definetely. Absolutely. Completely. I mean, that guy shot 76 people – and none of them was a Muslim!

    Geert Wilders (0692b1)

  18. My place in history is now secure – I’ll be remembered as the guy who failed to stop the bankruptcy of America at the hands of the Tea Party.

    John Bonehead - er, Boehner (0692b1)

  19. My place in history is now secure – I’ll be remembered as the guy who failed to stop the bankruptcy of America at the hands of the Tea Party.

    John Bonehead - er, Boehner (0692b1)

  20. Watch me fabricate more claims illustrating that I’m utterly ignorant of basic facts, basic math and have no interest in adult discussion.

    Spartacvs (26be8b)

  21. We at the Tea Party think purity is important. Ideological purity of course but also racial purity though we’d rather not comment on the latter at the moment.

    The Tea Party (0692b1)

  22. Look, we don’t want no congress yanking our slush funds. History plays and whitey pays. Got it?

    Valerie, Michelle, Van and Cass (6d8a47)

  23. Slander, its all that the Democratic Party has as a platform. That’s all we offer to the American public. Slander.

    Certainly responsible government is the last thing we want to have anything to do with.

    Spartacvs (26be8b)

  24. When the alternative is between a recovering “socialist” America and a bankrupt conservative one, we at the Tea Party have no difficulty choosing the right option.

    The Tea Party (0692b1)

  25. We do all the talking for Scarlett.

    Scarlett Johansson's Boobs (dda60e)

  26. Damn straight Tea Party. How could you have not learned from my lost decade?

    Franklin Delano Roosevelt (f07e38)


    Svarvavus (b7410e)

  28. My real name is Lilburn Boggs.

    Spartacvs (26be8b)

  29. Wow is their a sockpuppet accusing the tea party of being naziesque?

    DohBiden (d54602)

  30. I do not understand you Americans. you call yourselves the land of opportunity but you ignore them when you are presented to you.
    Debt is an opportunity to gain profit and destroy your competitors. Look at the profits I made destroying the British Pound!
    I crush banks and currencies and create uncertainty for a living. When the cattle begin to panic because of the uncertainty I profit.
    Anyone can profit like I do. You only have to buy an incompetent politician and a handful of journalists and voila!
    The funny thing is how cheap journalists are. Comcast paid 13 Billion for a failing NBC. I bought NPR for a measly 2 million. Then NBC parrots what I put out through NPR! Idiots! I get a 2fer! Not to mention that all the networks spout the trash I put out through Media Matters! Even Fox! I will crush Murdoch for the price of a villa for my mistress.
    Opportunities like that are everywhere and you ignore them.
    Land of Opportunity? Pah!

    George Soros (25e27f)

  31. Our “leader” is not getting his beauty rest so it’s time for the R-words to stop fooling around and give him what he wants. The butterfly-in-the-bedroom is only going to work for so long before addiction sets in.

    ValJar (43c312)



    Svvvvvvvvs (b7410e)

  33. Go eff yourself

    This message from a guy who opposes you because your a unionized Public School teacher.

    DohBiden (d54602)

  34. *you’re



    This message is courtesy of a union democrat shill who couldn’t give a f*** if we’re spending more money than we have. We don’t have a spending problem because I hate teabaggers. Period.

    Svvvvvvvvs (b7410e)

  35. Thanks.

    Please jab a knife into your vaginal canal

    This message is a courtesy of a proud young republican who wants to see you arrested for your crimes.

    DohBiden (d54602)

  36. Damn dude.

    Svvvvvvvvs (b7410e)

  37. You Nakes are so funny sometimes. Not often, though.

    Most amusing species in the entire primate phylum. When you’re not being murderous dickheads, that is.

    Bigfoot (8096f2)

  38. You irresponsible Tea Party – George Bush lovers just do not realize that when I’m in your presence I bring effervescence to your miserable Paella-free lives. I am your Way to Happiness, your Key to Redemption, your cleaner litterbox.

    Just ask my cats!

    The REAL William Yelverton (6732f4)

  39. Maybe your cats should meet my cats? They seem to have a lot in common.

    Lee Stranahan (c8876d)

  40. Ever notice that Lee’s cat is the loudest when one of Lee’s detractors is in the middle of making a point? It’s almost as though Lee is petty and dishonest.

    Also, I am pretty sure the cats were hacked by the same hackers who hacked my Coca-Cola.

    Furthermore, it’s just a coincidence that I’m obviously lying all the time in such a way as to aid the people I work for who are trying to scam lots of people.

    Ron (b7410e)

  41. William Yelverton is our only customer.

    National Assoc of PVC pipe furniture (d48c3b)

  42. We’ll have you know William Yelverton is perfectly acceptable to most of us.

    Society of Superlative Midget Yaqui Guitarists (6732f4)

  43. He is not acceptable to us, and we demand you quit associating him with us.

    Midget Racist Anti-Defamation League (109425)

  44. Vegetarian paella is not paella. It is called saffron rice. How many times do we have to tell you?

    International Society of Paella Cookers (6e25b4)

  45. What the F#$% is wrong with saffron rice? It is infinitely superior to Spanish slop stew with some rice in it.

    Dustin (b7410e)

  46. It’s the tuna helper of the dark ages.


    Dustin (b7410e)

  47. Damn crazy teabaggers!

    David "Hold That Tiger!" Wu (f1c59f)

  48. Actually, I’ve been somewhat disappointed that none of our hot women Marines have asked me to the Marine Corps Ball.

    The real Dana (3e4784)

  49. Me, too: I’ve been somewhat disappointed that none of our hot women Marines have asked me to the Marine Corps Ball.

    Ellen Degeneres (3e4784)

  50. And if some studly Marine combat veteran wanted to ask me to ball, I’d certainly say yes!

    Andrew Sullivan (3e4784)

  51. Darn typo; I meant ask me to the ball! How careless of me.

    Andrew Sullivan (3e4784)

  52. Well, if some Rethuglican-voting Marine asks me to the ball, he will be very disappointed.

    Amanda Marcotte (3e4784)

  53. 52.Well, if some Rethuglican-voting Marine asks me to the ball, he will be very disappointed

    Why is that, Amanda? Because you’ll go with him?

    Mila Kunis (4c6c0c)

  54. Wu stole my 15 minutes of fame.

    Anthony Weiner (43c312)

  55. There’s no way I am giving up my Martha’s Vineyard vacay.

    Meechelle Obuma (43c312)

  56. Please don’t tell me BO the dog has gone the way of Socks and Buddy.

    Concerned PETA Member (43c312)

  57. At least Wu had a) wasn’t so stupid as to actually personally publicize that he’s a degenerate and b) didn’t come up with an asinine and utterly dishonorable theory blaming his degeneracy on ‘hackers’ and innocent people.

    ATM FAX (b7410e)

  58. Those partisan teabaggers better not ruin my trip to the Vineyard, and my rockstar birthday bash.

    Barack (3ad5b9)

  59. Those partisan teabaggers better not ruin my trip to the Vineyard, and my rockstar birthday bash.

    Sorry dude, don’t think I’ll be able to make it.

    Amy Winehouse (f1c59f)

  60. You know lonely guys, I’m available for the Marine’s Ball! And I don’t have any plans, I’d love to go! Any takers? Anybody? Anybody???

    Kathy Griffin (f1c59f)

  61. I told everyone that the Republicans would screw this up. Nothing like fools who will go out and snach defeat from the jaws of victory.

    The POTUS (0cd6a2)

  62. @60. Kathy, even we wouldn’t date a slut like you..

    US Marine Corp (0cd6a2)

  63. When is the Navy’s birthday?

    John Paul Jones (dd399a)

  64. #17 Anders Breivik is not one of us. Definetely. Absolutely. Completely. I mean, that guy shot 76 people – and none of them was a Muslim!

    Although no list of the dead I think has been published, actually some of them should be Muslims. About 10% of the children in that camp, belonged to immigrant minorities, although some of those came from non-Moslem countries.

    “The young people Mr. Breivik shot at a summer camp on the island of Utoya were all Norwegians, but some were the children of immigrants..”

    There was maybe a bit of a quota at that camp.

    By the way, this was supposed to be the smaller massacre – Breivik actually expected his bomb to work as planned and kill lots of people in government headquarters. But he’d learned his bomb making techniques over the Internet.

    Sammy Finkelman (d3daeb)

  65. The United States Navy traces its origins to the Continental Navy, which the Continental Congress established on 13 October 1775, by authorizing the procurement, fitting out, manning, and dispatch of two armed vessels to cruise in search of munitions ships supplying the British Army in America.

    Son of a Sailor (a08880)

  66. Son, it was a rhetorical question linked to the status of “Kathy”, who would be perfectly acceptable to a Navy man to accompany him to the Navy Ball (if they had one).

    JPJ (dd399a)

  67. Whooooopee! Moody’s has rated us Triple-A-holes!

    The Tea Party (9d1bb3)

  68. @60. Kathy, even we wouldn’t date a slut like you..

    Comment by US Marine Corp — 7/29/2011 @ 1:30 pm


    We got nothin’. Kathy, darlin’, you’re on your own.

    Fenway, Jurassic, MacArthur, Linkin, and even Gosford Park (325a59)

  69. Please don’t tell me BO the dog has gone the way of Socks and Buddy.

    Comment by Concerned PETA Member — 7/29/2011 @ 1:15 pm

    Not to worry; we’ll take good care of him. The President and First Lady were dropped him off here last time they went to church. They hadn’t been in quite a while and we thought they were going to be regulars.


    The pastor of that church across the street from the White House (325a59)

  70. Whooooopee! Moody’s has rated us Triple-A-holes!

    Comment by The Tea Party — 7/29/2011 @ 2:40 pm


    That one guy who loves destroying liberal arguments merely by saying "Link?" (325a59)

  71. Go ahead America and vote Palin in as Pres. There are plenty of women in Canada I can sucker out of a kidney then dump. And up there they still think I’m a funny comedian.

    George Lopez (f060a0)

  72. That un-American Tea Party will not support my debt bill. But I can assure you I have used only the finest Enron accounting practices. I have confirmation from Arthur Andersen.

    Senate Majority Leader (f060a0)

  73. Why won’t anyone invite me to the Ball? My hair’s prettier than their’s.

    Debbie Schnauzerman-Schlouse (fd1f4b)

  74. “I have confirmation from Arthur Andersen.

    Don’t forget me!

    Paul Krugman (fd1f4b)

  75. Patterico Quickie Quiz Time:

    Scenario: you’re a US Marine. You’d like to take a well-known entity to the Marine’s Ball this year. Which below would be the objectively BEST choice?:

    A. Rosie O’Donnell
    B. Kathy Griffin
    C. This

    I know what I'd choose (f1c59f)

  76. Yahoo! S&P has rated us Triple-A-holes, too!

    The Tea Party (9d1bb3)

  77. “Yahoos” indeed.

    S&P (9d1bb3)

  78. “Cover the moon with yogurt.” Me and Monica played that game once.

    Bill Clinton (3e4c20)

  79. Except yogurt is yucky. I replaced it with ReddiWip.

    Monica Lewinsky (f1c59f)

  80. It’s nice to see pictures of young, pretty girls brightening up the website, kind of like decorative art.

    Summit, N.J. (75c9eb)

  81. ok be more creepy

    happyfeet (3c92a1)

  82. Uh yeah … I, um, can’t make it. I have a previous engagement in Washington D — Washington state!

    Washington state.


    Michelle IS going to be out of town that weekend. Correct?

    Scarlett Letter (bce9ef)

  83. How dare you doubt my version of events! I used to write for Rolling Stone, ya know; and a more impeccable example of journalistic integrity and non-bias you could … not … fi–

    I’m right because I say so!!!

    The Ehrenstein Monster (bce9ef)

  84. Dave if the foo sh*ts
    wear it even if fuzzy
    pink bunny slippers

    ColonelHaiku (6fca10)

  85. Now this is how you invite someone to the ball!

    Vanessa Redgrave (f68855)

  86. “…budget-contains-gimmicks-that-could-result-in-tax-increases…”
    Color me surprised!

    Not The Joker! (f9756b)

  87. Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt, what’s up with this unseemly obsession with yogurt? You guys watch too much Burn Notice. Sure, it was a big deal 2 or 3 years ago, but the writing’s gone stale. Duh!

    Mayonaise is the hot ticket now, my head’s drenched in it. So, call me, I’ll not only sing for my supper, I’ll dance every dance, and I make a great sandwich.

    Desperate Deb, D-FL (201691)

  88. Help! Keith Richards is snortin’ me ashes!!!

    Amy Wino-house (1784bb)

  89. #82 – That was rude and senseless.

    Summit, N.J. (75c9eb)

  90. Gawker and Raw Story are da bomb regarding news! I like to link them when commenting on something I know next to nothing about! I r good—FTW!!!

    sparsefacts (e7577d)

  91. I won’t let any bill come up for a vote, so it’s the Tea Party’s fault. I’m even threatening to filibuster my own bill. See how serious I am?

    Harry Reid (e7577d)

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