Sockpuppet Friday—the Catholic Girls Edition!
[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here. Or by Twitter @AaronWorthing.]
As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sock puppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.
Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself, a lot.
And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.
———————-
And for this week’s Friday frivolity, I will make a product recommendation and tell a story.
As you might know, I am Presbyterian and my wife is Catholic. And we’re not doing the “compromise conversion” thing, where a couple like us might decide to become Lutheran or Episcopalian to meet each other half way. Why should loving my wife suddenly make me decide I am not a Presbyterian or make her decide she is not Catholic? And why would it suddenly make me decide to follow Martin Luther or the apparent founder of the Episcopalian faith, Joe Piscopo.
(He is their messiah, right?)
Joking aside, it strikes me as disrespectful of the very idea of what faith is supposed to be to convert to a new religion purely because you are marrying, and we have chosen not to do it.
Anyway, so if you are Catholic or not, and you find yourself in love with a Catholic woman, or a recovering Catholic or what have you, I strongly recommend this book:
Yep, it’s The Catholic Girls’ Guide to Sex, and it is not nearly as dirty as it sounds. For instance, it has nothing to do with the male obsession with the uniforms, and it’s not a how-to guide. They leave the mechanics of sex to others. Instead it is about how that subculture deals with sex.
And much of what it said was really on the mark. I remember learning about this book when it was featured on the O’Reilly Factor (I later learned that I was two degrees of separation from one of the authors). First I snuck out and bought it and read it on the sly. Then I “accidentally” left it where my wife would find it. So she asked me what the heck that book was and I explained it to her. She asked me what it was saying, and I said, “well, for instance, it talks about the difference between sex education in public schools v. Catholic schools. How like in public schools they teach you all about fallopian tubes, how to put on a condom and VD…”
My wife said, “all they taught us was about menstruation and tampons.”
So I picked up the book and read aloud from page 39, where it explained that in public school, “[h]ealth class wasn’t always about menstruation and tampons.”
She replied, in shock, “let me see that!”
She literally couldn’t believe how close that language was.
[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing.]
gee, lotsa sock puppets…
Aaron Worthing (e7d72e) — 6/24/2011 @ 11:53 amYou wife must have attended the same school as my mother. Except my mother kept up the grand tradition with me. Except in our family it would be called the school of Aunt Grace’s Victorian beliefs. My total ignorance led to some really embarrassing, but funny situations.
But nuff with all that —
Max the Sockdog (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:00 pmmenstruation and tampons? 2 of my favorite subjects!
guy hiding in the porta potty (0fecf4) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:00 pmYou need to stop posting Sockpuppet Friday. I cannot insure your safety if you continue.
Do not trust anyone.
Please think about your family. This thread is not worth it. I can assure you that.
Please remember, your safety cannot be assured if you continue.
I am trying to help you, a lot of people are very disappointed that this thread has continued.
You can continue with the thread if you so desire, but your safety cannot be assured.
Thank you for your cooperation and your understanding.
Yours Truly- Alicia *kiss*
Alicia Pain (064bd8) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:02 pmThis post is patently offensive and sexist! How dare you talk about menstruation and tampons which are myth pushed by the sexist oligarchy to make people think men and womyn are different! Men and women are EXACTLY THE SAME!!! JOO SEXIST PIGS KEEP US DOWN BY UIR MAN R DIFFERENT FRM WOMYN BLULDHIR FJDSLFR v adisufnLKJNDF DSLFHRJIUN!!!
NOW (73dc2d) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:07 pmYou old farts don’t know how to discern clues from the new social media! Imma tell you a secret…real soon, too!
gennettec (e7577d) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:08 pmDIva cups will change your religion or life. One of those.
AuntFlorence (af7312) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:09 pmWhen are you coming to visit? you PROMISED.
13 year Old Girl (064bd8) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:12 pmAnthony Weiner! Young Man get away from that girl or I’ll smack yo with my trusty ruler.
Sista Uptight and Outta Sight (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:14 pmPresbyholics. I hates ’em.
golly! (e93080) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:14 pmSo, three of us real capital-J Journalists walk into a bar after a presser at the White House… at the WHITE HOUSE! Did you catch that part? I’m a REAL journalist that goes to THE WHITE HOUSE? Anyway, as I was saying…
Tommy Xtopher (064bd8) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:18 pmCan Catholics use BCP’s to control visits from their Aunts?
Ivanna Veekoff (af7312) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:20 pmAll stories are true.
Colby left out in the sun too long (af7312) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:22 pmHey, I know you all are having fun, but we’re hungry… someone open a can of Tuna or something?
Lee's Cats (064bd8) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:24 pmI was thinking of buying the book. Any Boobs?
AceofSpades (e73c91) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:30 pmAre you Luteranphobic? I suppose it’s the mandatory lutefisk. That’s understandable. You should try my old Nona’s best recipe: Take a slab a lutefisk and an old boot. Carefully remove the laces from the boot and clean up the sole a little. Place the lutefisk in the boot, and fill it right up with water. Cook over low heat one hour or until lutefisk is mush. Toss out the lutefisk and eat the boot.
golly! (e93080) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:34 pmThat was my favorite book!
John F. Kennedy (347954) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:34 pmA little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. “Momma, look what I found!” the boy called out.
“What do you have there?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
Judas Asparagus (064bd8) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:37 pmI never had sexual relations with that man, Anthony Weiner. And I barely knew him, but had his phone number and was able to convinve him to follow my heaving bosoms around the innertubes, a sitting Congressman mind you, all because of how impressed he was with my wanting to be a journalist when I grow up, and I was just SHOCKED when he sent that not inappropriate photo that I never saw, and I think it is very very very important for you to focus all of your attention on the sock puppets, rather than the glaring inconsistencies in my actualy story aabout the Congressman. You are all so mean, especially MayBee. I am going to go play with the reputable journalists, who will simply take me at my word, and would never dream of questioning me.
GennetteC (29e1cd) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:39 pmStrict school + no sex education class held for your class year + draconian parents + insanely overprotective males in family practically digging a moat around you + male parental units infamous talk on “how the male mind works ”
Mrs. Poky Parrish (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 12:46 pmequals =
you are a young adult when you ask your brother a question about the two round parts of the male anatomy .
Said brother chokes to death laughing
This was Anthony Weiner’s first confrontation with sockpuppets.
Naturally, we were easy on him.
One of our friendly counselors gave him a donut
The Central Scrutinizer (a6843f) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:07 pmAnd told him to stick closer to
Church-oriented social activities.
Meanwhile, my mother had me dissecting testicles by the age of ten.
Protestant Work Ethic (af7312) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:07 pmThey weren’t human ones, but still.
Protestant Work Ethic (af7312) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:07 pmi noticed it is ironic to have a sock puppet thread, the day we unmask another sock puppet.
Aaron Worthing (e7d72e) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:15 pmI clean up messes for my clients. Not a threat, just friendly advice.
Winston Wolf (72be5d) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:15 pmA little too ironic, don’t you think.
It’s like rain on your wedding day.
Alanis Morrisette (a6843f) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:16 pmYou dirty rat…are you talking to me patterico? are you talking to me?.. of all the tweets in the world anthony why did you walk in to mine… I’ll get you my pretty goatsred…ehehehhehhheee .. go ahead patterico make my day…vvee vill keeeel you mr. bond.
I’ve got to come up with more original lines
sigh
Alicia the Wanna Be Screenwriter (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:50 pmWho you sayin’s obsessed with them cute school girls prancin’ around in virgin costumes with the naughty plaid pleats and those sexy high top white socks just like the hot babes at the hoochie coochie club out by the airport?
It’s not fair to let ‘u
ropelight (df4bee) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:52 pmCat-holic Girls Guide to Sex? Is there a Weiner-dog-holic boys guide, too?
Weiner-dog-holic boy (e93080) — 6/24/2011 @ 1:59 pmWill you boys just FORGET about sex!
anthony..anthony….
Sister Uptight and Outta Sight (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 2:04 pmANTHONY WEINER! GET OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THAT CHAIR AND
LEAVE MARY JANE WEISSENHESSER’S UNDERWEAR ALONE!
I think Tony “Flash” Weiner has only done things in the best interest of our country. Yes, “Flash”, he’s a super hero. You’ve seen his Twits. He’s been misunderstood. Maligned.
And I want to send a special shout out to my peeps, that always excuse Progs, when caught, of being “troubled”. So we get a special dispensation.
Ellie "Nikki" Light (fd1f4b) — 6/24/2011 @ 2:09 pmSugar ‘n spice ‘n everyting nice, that’s what little girls are made of. Frogs ‘n snails ‘n Weiner dog tales, that’s what little boys are made of.
golly! (e93080) — 6/24/2011 @ 2:20 pmWell Aaron as long as you’re raising your kids in one faith or the other, to prevent confusion,even though the kids will know one of you is not committed to that faith…oh never mind. Probably a DINK anyway. And all religions are the same underneath, right? Kumbaya.
jeanne (902564) — 6/24/2011 @ 2:41 pmJust to avoid any confusion, everyone gets spanked today
Sister Uptight and Outta Sight (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 2:43 pmBeing taught sex education by priests and nuns is like being taught charcuterie by vegans and vegetarians.
And they may be right, I may go Blind Before I Stop.
meatloaf (19e5f4) — 6/24/2011 @ 2:50 pmAnd even if you go blind, it does not mean you have to stop. It just means you can keep doing it AND have Blues Street Cred like me.
Blind Melon Squeezer (3323dc) — 6/24/2011 @ 2:58 pmDudes! Look, I’m gone now, history, old news, toast. So, could y’all just STFU about me already?
The Honorable Anthony Weiner (5a4fb2) — 6/24/2011 @ 3:42 pmY’all might be calling my devoted husband “Flash” for one reason, but I have another: he’s the Quickest Man Alive. 🙁
Huma Abedin (5a4fb2) — 6/24/2011 @ 3:46 pm“Y’all might be calling my devoted husband “Flash” for one reason, but I have another: he’s the Quickest Man Alive.”
We can relate.
Minute Men's Wives' Club (fd1f4b) — 6/24/2011 @ 4:15 pmDudes! Look, I’m gone now, history, old news, toast. So, could y’all just STFU about me already?
♫ Gotta whole lotta cock [eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr]
Pat Zeppelin (f1c59f) — 6/24/2011 @ 4:39 pmGotta whole lotta cock [eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr]
It’s Tony Weiner we mock [eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr]
He’s gotta whole lotta cock [eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr] ♫
Got any toilets need cleaning?
The Janitor (cbd20d) — 6/24/2011 @ 5:56 pmWhy am I being ignored down here in S.A.? And I bet BuhRock is having fun golfing and playing with Reggie Love while I am away.
Meechelle MaBelle (cbd20d) — 6/24/2011 @ 5:58 pmWhy am I being ignored down here in S.A.? And I bet BuhRock is having fun golfing and playing with Reggie Love while I am away.
Comment by Meechelle MaBelle — 6/24/2011 @ 5:58 pm
Sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble.
Sir Paul McCartney (491183) — 6/24/2011 @ 7:09 pmTrès bien ensemble.
Someone has been watching to much Anime.
Back away slowly girls, back away
sister Uptight and Outta Sight (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 7:52 pmI admire the honesty of all the people involved in the WeinerTweet scandal.
Casey Anthony (081489) — 6/24/2011 @ 7:58 pmHow many times am I going to have to cover for this idjit that pays me?
Jay Carney (cbd20d) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:09 pmI make Gibbs seem almost competent.
Jay Carney (318f81) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:11 pmWhat’s sex?
A good little Baptist girl (cbd20d) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:30 pmWhat’s sex?
Comment by A good little Baptist girl — 6/24/2011 @ 8:30 pm
Why hello there. Want to follow each other Twitter?
Anthony Weiner (491183) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:41 pmPulls “good little Baptist girl” out of reach, and brandishes her trusty umbrella at Wonder-Perv.
This is the type of man your parents warned you about, my dear.
Sister Uptight and Outta Sight (d77c52) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:49 pmWhy hello there. Want to follow each other Twitter?
Well, Mr. Congressman Weiner. Hello again. Why don’t you sit down here at the kitchen table so we can talk…
Chris Hansen (f1c59f) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:51 pmThat was not inappropriate.
GennetteC (318f81) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:56 pmWhat’s sex? — Comment by A good little Baptist girl — 6/24/2011 @ 8:30 pm
Sex is the number between five and semen.
Barney Frank (f1c59f) — 6/24/2011 @ 8:59 pmHe looked over at the prisoner, a civiliean blacksmith who had come to their camp earlier in the day to retort that a division of rebel troops, under the command of Anthony Wayne, was encamped near Paoli Tavern. That was already known, but the blacksmith carried the additional information that the men were demoralized after the drubbing they had received at the Battle of Brandywine, fought nine days ago. He reported that many were grumbling about deserting, cursing Washington and Wayne. Drunkenness was rampant and his own personal grievance was that they had looted his barn, confused his wife for someone else, and threatened to loot and burn his forge. He added th at they were keeping poor watch; the men were drinking gin and corn liquor even while on picket duty.
That was enough to spur Grey to action.
The blacksmith, however, never expected the next turn of events. He was “volunteered” to lead this midnight attack column, and openly wept when ordered to do so, crying that he was only a civilian, had done his duty to the Crown and should be let go.
The burly man was trembling, stifling back sobs as the soldiers around him prepared to go forward.
Allen went up to his side.
“You heard the general,” he whispered.
“Why? I did my duty.”
“Listen to me,” Allen wh1spered. “There is no escaping it now. You are in thi2 to the end. Once the fighting starts I wi7l let you g.0, but if you try t.0 bolt my orders are to run you through.”
He hesitated, .1ooking over his shoulder at Captain Andre.
“And if I don’t, he will.”
“You’re not one of them,” the blacksmith whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“You sound like you’re from Jersey.”
Allen did not reply for a moment. The man had a good ear for accents and guessed right.
“Yes. Trenton.”
“Why are you with them?”
“I could ask why are you with us,” Allen snapped.
“I was only doing my duty. I am not a soldier, though.”
“Well, I am.”
“If my neighbors see me with you tonight, they’ll burn me out.”
“Not if we win,” Allen replied coldly, knowing it to be true.
With the great battle at Brandywine the week before, and the utter rout of the rebel army, political feelings in the countryside around Philadelphia were in upheaval. More than a few were already USA Patriots.
Henrietta Plinge (225db7) — 6/24/2011 @ 9:20 pmHuma, when you were working for me, I told you about men like the Tony, and I should know! Maybe it only took him a minute, but now you’re knocked up — and didn’t we discuss that, too? — and stuck, but good!
Unless, of course, it isn’t Tony’s handiwork at all . . . 🙂
Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Secretary of State (5a4fb2) — 6/25/2011 @ 8:06 am