Sockpuppet Friday–the Award Winning Edition!!!
[Guest post by Aaron Worthing; if you have tips, please send them here.]
As usual, you are positively encouraged to engage in sock puppetry in this thread. The usual rules apply.
Please, be sure to switch back to your regular handle when commenting on other threads. I have made that mistake myself, alot.
And remember: the worst sin you can commit on this thread is not being funny.
And I thought I would share with you the time when my sock puppetry actually won an award. A few months back IMAO ran a contest asking readers to identify “Fred’s Best Line”—meaning Fred Thompson. If you came up with the best line, you got a signed copy of his new book:
Contest runs 3 days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You put in the comments what you think is Fred’s best line. 3 winners are selected from all submissions posted before Midnight on Friday. Winners announced Monday. Prizes are awarded to said winners (assuming they had the foresight to include a working email with their comment and I can get ahold of them to get a mailing address).
“Fred’s best line” means any quote, from any of Fred’s TV shows, movies, his radio show, YouTube videos, Facebook, Twitter, etc. that you think totally rocks.
But, they explained, contestants really didn’t have to come up with real quotes:
Now, IMAO is not some sort of fact-stickler news organization like CNN or MSNBC, so it’s not like anybody’s going to actually check your quote to see if it’s real. So if you just completely make something up that kinda sounds like something Fred would say, like “If these Democrats don’t stop passing these ridiculous spending bills, I’m gonna grab a copy of the Constitution and beat ‘em sensible with it,” who am I to question its truthiness?
And as the contest went on, they announced that Thompson himself would be picking the winners. And here is where they announced the winners. And what do you know, who was listed? “A.W.” which is the online name I used to use all the time (and still sporadically use out of sheer laziness) before I came out with my real name during the Everyone Draw Mohammed controversy. The winning “truthy” quote had Thompson saying:
So let me get this straight. You want me to play essentially myself, a man with a thick Tennessee accent and real conservative values — not the moderately liberal values that passes for ‘conservative’ in New York — and you want this character to be the elected D.A. of New York City?
Of course I offered a way to make all of these technically real Fred Thompson quotes:
Also I will point out that even if a quote is made up, if Fred Thompson reads the quote out loud then technically you CAN say he said it. So… loophole!
Sadly, there is no prize for good sockpuppetry on this thread, except the warm feeling of knowing you made someone laugh. Or cry.
[Posted and authored by Aaron Worthing, the award winning sock puppeteer!]
At least you didn’t make some crack about my hot wife.
Fred Thompson (60b70e) — 11/19/2010 @ 8:51 amWould somebody tell me why they think I WANT to touch their junk?
TSA agent (1d2640) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:00 amI have directed it. Please touch my junk now.
Janet N. (1d2640) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:02 amNever.
Everyone in the World (60b70e) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:05 amDamn, that’s gonna leave a mark on my wrist.
Charles Rangel (1d2640) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:16 amSo, miss me yet?
tom ridge (82637e) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:21 amMr Worthing wrote:
I know a prize you could give me!
Andrew Sullivan (3e4784) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:24 amWhere do I sign up for a TSA job?
Bubba (69b3db) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:25 amHey, if we’re talking that prize . . . .
The Honorable Barney Frank, Member of Congress (3e4784) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:26 amNow, see what happens when you start thinking in that vein.
Christine O'Donnell (3e4784) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:27 amWhy, oh why, did I ever come up with this sock-puppet Friday idea? 🙁
Patterico (3e4784) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:28 amI vill be der next director of TSA.
Ernst Kaltenbruner (0d48e6) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:30 amI warned him, with that quote, from Hunt from Red October, but did he listen?
tom ridge (82637e) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:39 amJames, if you mention my junk again, I’ll have you arrested.
Hillary (69b3db) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:42 amSec Incompetano says that if you have concerns re new security protocols, she has an open ear…
Well, that explains where her brains went, and why we will win!
M. Atta (408097) — 11/19/2010 @ 10:09 am“…except the warm feeling of knowing you made someone laugh. Or cry. Or groan.
FTFY!
instaPUNdit (408097) — 11/19/2010 @ 10:12 amBarney Frank, Andrew Sullivan… you stay away from my husband!
Aaron Worthing's Wife (b1db52) — 11/19/2010 @ 10:14 amBy the way, soldiers of Allah, I have to tell you that this whole 72 virgins thing is a bad deal. It’s not exactly a lie, but… Well, first, you go to hell, not heaven. And then the virgins? Well, let me tell you, just before we got there, Tim McVeigh arrived having been executed by the Great Satan. And so I am down there in hell, when the Devil opens my cell and throws Tim McVeigh inside. And as he is locking the door, the Devil says, “Remember how you were told you would get 72 virgins? Well, here is your first one!”
Good Allah, that was not what i expected at all.
Mohammed Atta (b1db52) — 11/19/2010 @ 10:21 amI had to set up
Janet Napolitano (a0b04a) — 11/19/2010 @ 11:10 amgropespat downs, it was the only way I could get felt up when I travel. (or any other time)I still need your address.
Brett Kimberlin (9d1bb3) — 11/19/2010 @ 11:11 amBiden to Karzai: “Daddy is going to start to take the training wheels off … next July, so you’d better practice riding.”
Karzai to Biden: “I hear yours come off in January.”
Kevin M (73dcc9) — 11/19/2010 @ 11:46 amOops
Karzai (73dcc9) — 11/19/2010 @ 11:47 amI was going to copypasta a link from thingprogress so I could p3wn you teabagger wingnutz, but I have been too busy molesting my cat and diddling my squeakhole.
Yelverton (822109) — 11/19/2010 @ 11:55 amI wonder if I can get a job with TSA in France?
Roman Polanski (4c6c0c) — 11/19/2010 @ 11:57 amWhat you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Black Eyed Peas feat. Janet Napalitano (b8f705) — 11/19/2010 @ 11:57 amGet you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump (ha), my lovely lady lumps
Don’t Touch My Junk….
And Keep Off My Lawn, Too!
Walt Kowalski (408097) — 11/19/2010 @ 12:00 pmThis TSA policy is great! One afternoon in the airport, and we have enough footage for a two-part special edition of “To Catch a Predator”!
Chis Hansen (1db6c5) — 11/19/2010 @ 12:02 pmDaddy’s taken the training wheels off the TSA.
Joe Biden (b8f705) — 11/19/2010 @ 12:04 pmI’m shooting all my future GGW episodes in airports!
Joe Francis (408097) — 11/19/2010 @ 12:15 pmSpeaking from the grave…
Reagan (9df40f) — 11/19/2010 @ 12:57 pmI’m sorry.
I am functionally illiterate. Sriously. I am. Dummerer than a sack of potatoes.
Yelverton (74d914) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:00 pmSpeaking from the White House . . .
Reagan and Bush were pikers.
Barry O. (a18ddc) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:03 pmWe sure as he’ll ain’t sorry. Don’t know what Ronny Raygun is doing apologizing for our perfidy.
Tip O'neill and George Mitchell and Robert KKK Byrd (74d914) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:04 pmResearchers at MIT have solved the practical beam limitations of a workable light saber, however they still are unable to recreate the neat wuuuvmph sound when waved back and forth
Aaron Worthing (719277) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:16 pmNot too mention, they are getting the hang of the antimatter containment system, warp drive will be anytime
Zephram Cochrane (82637e) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:23 pmHogan!!
Col. Klink (f0c487) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:26 pmFALSE: You have never done this before, and you are discouraging sock puppetry!
FALSE: The worst sin you can commit is being funny.
FALSE: I wrote that post.
It’s getting old proving Aaron wrong, again.
Kman (b54cdc) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:35 pmNot only do I never read the posts here, I always take a position that’s undefensible – you’re welcome!
kfart (498ece) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:49 pm…and I make comments illustrating my profound douchebaggery, and then proclaim victory and run away.
christofer (498ece) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:50 pmIf Obama had one of Hilary’s testicles then both would have a pair.
James Carville (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:51 pmWhich apartment should I go sulk in tonite?
Charlie Rangel (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:51 pmyou can’t prove I sockpuppeted here, and you never will. I win!
imadouchebag (498ece) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:51 pmThe TSA doesn’t have a big enough full body scanner.
Ron Jeremy (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:52 pmNice to see Bosh Spice light up the center-less Suns on Wednesday night. I was starting to think I made a blunder-ous error hitching my wagon to her.
LeBron James (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:52 pmI screwed you all, but thanks for blaming it on the black guy.
Bush (9df40f) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:53 pmI also take orders from Meinn Soros, and since he’s a self – loathing Jew, it’s okay for me to hate Jews as well. Now, we’d like to take a few of our fellow neighbors to the gas chambers – who’s first?
imadouchebag (498ece) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:53 pmRon,
Man, you said a mouthful. Specifically Pamela Anderson’s mouthful.
Tommy Lee (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:53 pmThey’ll touch my junk? ….. http://www.jetblue.com
Joe Biden (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:54 pmHis entire forearm disappeared up my junk.
Michele Obama (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:54 pmbut thanks for blaming it on the black guy.
Comment by Bush — 11/19/2010 @ 1:53 pm
Hey, does anyone here have a new meme for me to beat endlessly to death? I mean, you can only screech waaaaacists! so long. My supply’s about 20 months’ old by now.
trollbot 1000 (498ece) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:55 pm“I am so not proud of my Country now!”, overheard Nov 3
Michele Obama (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:55 pmI haven’t seen pookie’s junk since the election … 2008!
Michele Obama (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:56 pmYou should judge Obama not by the content of his character, but by the color of his skin.
Racists.
The Democratic Party (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:57 pmGlad I pressed the TSA for those new security procedures! Finally I get relief before boarding as well as after.
Barney Frank (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:57 pmMichelle
Hey if you want to sleep with a president…
Bubba Clinton (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:59 pmThese new TSA procedures remind me of those Abu Gahrib photos!
Dick "Head" Durbin (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 1:59 pmTSA should use cigars for probing and poking.
Bill Clinton (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:00 pmDear Bubba,
Only if Hilary gave you back your balls.
Michele Obama (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:01 pmI don’t know what the big deal is about the TSA casually looking under your clothes. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go float near Lois’ window…
Superman (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:02 pmNow that I am unemployed, I will be booking flights daily!
Oh gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ….. stuff me like a pig TSA boys!
Charlie Crist (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:02 pmWhat do you mean you won’t touch my junk?
Pamela Anderson (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:03 pmMine either!
Magic Johnson (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:04 pmSay, I just saw that GQ spread on Meghan Kelly and um, I think I need to be interviewed by her. Privately.
I did try to email her and tell her what I had in mind but for some reason she deleted it.
Slick Willie Clinton (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:04 pmIs TSA hiring?
Andrew Sullivan (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:04 pmI want to be there when Sarah Palin goes through the scanner. Finally we will get to the twoof.
Andrew Sullivan (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:06 pmMeghan Kelly is a political whore! And bitch!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Is Fox hiring?
Rachel Maddow (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:07 pmDear Andrew,
Wide stance, stall 4, Orlando International Terminal A.
Now, it is double the pleasure and double the fun!
Charlie Crist (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:11 pmCharlie, Andrew, can i join in?
Charles's Johnson (e7d72e) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:15 pmThis thread is really dirty.
Porky Pig (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:55 pmDoes undergoing TSA screening in Denver qualify me for the Mile High Club?
curious air traveller (1db6c5) — 11/19/2010 @ 2:57 pmI have grown tired, not tall as I am a midget, but tired of diddling myself, and to alleviate my boredom brought on by my miserable existence, I throat I would drop by to spam some links and call you racists. It takes ferry little for me to feel better about myself, and calling you racists racists does it for me. I have a little tingle in my little leg. Thank you.
William Yelverton (c8c1d2) — 11/19/2010 @ 3:11 pmI be workin’ at da TSA soon.
Ofeelya Moore (a8a9b2) — 11/19/2010 @ 4:22 pmMy secret life’s goal is discrediting the Nobel Prize for Economics.
Paullie Krugnuts (26be8b) — 11/19/2010 @ 4:32 pmMy secret life’s goal was to discredit the Nobel Prize for Peace.
Yes Sir, Arafathead (b8e056) — 11/19/2010 @ 4:42 pmWhat’s the matter wtih you liberals? Since you threw support to Steny now I have to cut a deal with the CBC. The idea was to squeeze the only sane member of the house leadership out!
Nancy P (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:03 pmWhat? You mean I actually have to go to jail for not paying my taxes? Charlie didn’t have to. Just becasue I didn’t pay, er $16 million or so.
Wesley Snipper (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:04 pmSo we still haven’t passed a budget for the year beginning October 1, 2010, It’s not like we have control of the House, Senate and White House or anything like that.
Harry & Nancy (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:08 pmIt wasn’t my policies, it was the fact I did not deliver the message right, (to you dumbass voters). Pssst, Johnny B, I’ll roll on a temporary extension of all the Bush tax cuts if we cut a deal before December, 31st.
Obamaguy (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:13 pmI heard that Obamaguy. No f’en way I’m going to give away money that is mine, mine, mine to give to NPR and unions and other supporters. To hell with your election in 2012.
Nancy P (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:15 pmDear Barark, Harry & Nancy. Nothing personal, but we will be covering our butts this year. Sorry we can’t help.
23 Dem senators up in 2012 (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:18 pmI know it is s tough job and someone has to do it. To show support of my country, I’ll be a TSA guy for a day at the Ft. Lauderdale Airport. All those old retired democrat gals would love to get a “pat down” (and maybe a squeeze) from me.
Slick Willy (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:30 pmAnd I have experience at groping. Just ask a number of gals other than Hillary
Slick Willy (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:33 pmOk, gang, (taking off the sock), It’s been fun. Time to go. ^..^(___)~~~
Cheshirecat (0cd6a2) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:36 pmI am outraged and offended that someone would pretend to be me… and pretend to want to grope little old ladies.
Everyone knows, i am into fat college-age girls with an oral fixation…
The Real Slick Willie (b8e056) — 11/19/2010 @ 5:57 pmIs there anyone I can threaten today?
I ask because I am a sniveling cunt.
serr8d (c9fb7b) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:05 pmI think that Secretary Napolitano should lead the way and prove that the scanners are really not a problem.
And can I keep the pictures?
Ellen Degeneres (bd7e62) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:26 pmOh, good Lord, Ellen, you have better taste than that!
Portia DeRossi (bd7e62) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:29 pmEven I knew that!
Anne Heche (bd7e62) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:30 pmThat whole genetic homosexuality idea kind of gets mucked up with me.
Anne Heche (c8c1d2) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:32 pmEat a cheeseburger, Portia. Or go hang out with Rosie for a while. Just eat.
Anne Heche (c8c1d2) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:34 pmHey, I’ll choose the aggressive frisking, as long as it’s done by a TSA officer of the opposite sex.
The Honorable David Vitter (bd7e62) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:38 pmI say, Senator, that’s an astonishingly good idea you have there.
Eliot Spitzer (bd7e62) — 11/19/2010 @ 6:38 pmSenator Vitter, is that a bomb in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
And where’d Portia go?
Janet Napolitano (660336) — 11/19/2010 @ 7:01 pmMy wife’s former girlfriend said:
Yeah, that’s what Ellen keeps telling me, too.
Portia DeRossi (bd7e62) — 11/19/2010 @ 7:36 pmSee! See! It’s talk like that that makes me protest at funerals! Y’all are all goin’ to Hell!
The Rev Fred Phelps (bd7e62) — 11/19/2010 @ 7:38 pmAnyone for a breast exam? It includes a free drink for one low, low price. And it’s done in the privacy of the ladies room.
Dr. Ross (Fake) (9d1bb3) — 11/19/2010 @ 7:40 pmI swear I was only giving the young man a neck rub. Those crazy tea partiers were out to get me.
Rep. Etheridge (retiring) (9d1bb3) — 11/19/2010 @ 7:43 pmYou know what’s wrong with Americans today? They don’t like naked pictures and being felt up.
Bob Guccione's ghost (e828a4) — 11/19/2010 @ 7:49 pmI realize that A LOT of times bloggers of threads, having spent A LOT of time at their day jobs (at which they may or may not make A LOT of money) can find it difficult to spell A LOT of words correctly. But one would think, at least A LOT of the time, that the two words A LOT wouldn’t be two of these words.
grammar nazi, getting A LOT annoyed now (72db9b) — 11/19/2010 @ 8:37 pmHey, does anyone here have a new meme for me to beat endlessly to death? I mean, you can only screech waaaaacists! so long. My supply’s about 20 months’ old by now.
Comment by trollbot 1000 — 11/19/2010 @ 1:55 pm
Try this: Voting more than once is now the most despicable crime known to
liberal fans of "Dancing WIth the Stars" everywhere (72db9b) — 11/19/2010 @ 8:43 pmMan.Gaia.wll you know the whole bristol thing is harshng.
i mean you know fairs is fair&you have a girl lyk to stoopid to abort dancing like skag stripper or something lol that’s like too dum to be on the show & her moms a bitch & so brandy is crying at loosing because she was so ilke an angle so i hte this stpid show so its stupid adn thos haters want to make me cry. i mean relly obama can stop this cause he rules!and the haters can go die cause me and my gf mandy know the stoopidz doning this dumb thing.
DWTS fan (e828a4) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:35 pm(AP) Nov. 18 – MSNBC SUSPENDS JOE SCARBOROUGH FOR CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS TO GOP CANDIDATES
“Joe! Say it ain’t so, Joe! Say it ain’t so!”
Keith Olbermann (9d1bb3) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:38 pmYou know what’s the difference between me and Rush? I don’t have that thingy on my head.
Ed Shultz (e828a4) — 11/19/2010 @ 9:50 pmThe tea-bagging Republicans have found something to rally around. I speak, of course, about that tea-bagging anti-woman, known to some as Sarah Palin.
Her discourse, of course, is nothing more than the natterings of someone I like to call Mr. Ed. Of course, I don’t mean, my colleague, Mr. Shultz.
I prefer to think of Mr. Ed as something as inconsequential as Mr. Rush.
I will admit that I’ve never read anything that would conflict with my view of the world, but I have a gift, just as my leader, Obama, has a gift.
He can speak eloquently. I can lift my eyebrows archly while regurgitating a script in a stilted manner.
rachel (e828a4) — 11/19/2010 @ 10:13 pmLying about Gov. Palin’s “out of control spending” budgets makes me attractive to the opposite sex, and protects me when I’m on the Arabian peninsula [I keep forgetting my tin foil hat at the lake house].
EPWJ (b9e59d) — 11/20/2010 @ 2:22 amI want to ask America just this question, why do you dare to look up my record as governor in Alaska when I’m the face of America – I mean – come on guys thats just not fair
Gov Palin (d84fb0) — 11/20/2010 @ 3:17 amYa know, that’s pretty funny, that sockpuppetting stuff. Sometimes it even gets really clever. Now that person sockpuppetting me above, a good try but maaayyybe not so much.
For example, ya know, I’m pretty gosh darn proud of my record as governor. How many other governors do you know took on their own parties to fight corruption, and did quite a few things to save money for their state? And not a one sold the governor’s jet on Ebay so they could save money by flyin’ commercial, I’ll be willing to betcha that.
And speaking of looking up records, at least I have a record to look up and I didn’t for sure pay 10, whatever it was, lawyers over a million dollars to hush everything up. You betcha.
Over to you, President Obama. *winks*
the real Gov. Palin (72db9b) — 11/20/2010 @ 4:52 amBig deal. So I get two days off without pay. Most people call that “Saturday and Sunday”.
Joe Scarborough (e84e27) — 11/20/2010 @ 6:02 amI am against entitlements unless they are for Alaska!
I was against the stimulus but I did sign the certification to recieve more stim funds per capita for my beloved Alaskans than any other state – which is the way it should be I mean it was only a billion or two so right? Only Perry an Sanford didnt sign it and look what happened to one of them..
And now come on people, So I went to several press conferences with a bridge to nowhere t-shirt and rally and people seem to like to take my statements that I was for it out of context – of course I wasnt for it if I had to pay for it – whats the point in that?
And that reminds me I took on big business and stuck it too them, no longer am I allowing those establishment Republicans to get cozy with the business’ that
employexploit the citizens with those higher wages and great benefits, you betcha I took care of that!*wink*
Gov Palin (d84fb0) — 11/20/2010 @ 8:04 amWould all you fake guys impersonating my Momma please stop winking at me!!! EEEUUUUUUWWWWW!
Bristol Palin (b43ea5) — 11/20/2010 @ 8:20 amhey that’s my line, and so is the state legislature, which labors hard for the likes of National Marmot day; I’m so pro Alaskan, eight corporations out of DC, underwrote my campaign, and Gulf War Vets are all like McVeigh, well you know what I meant
Lisa Murkowski (82637e) — 11/20/2010 @ 9:32 amEpwj is still spitting out the same mendoucheous mems. It is like a slightly less kwazy version of wheelerz/nishidiot.
JD (0d2ffc) — 11/20/2010 @ 10:39 amYou all are just envious because I live in a lakeside cottage and work on the Arabian peninsula for a big oil company. And in case you don’t know it, envy is one of the seven deadly sins.
epwj (9d1bb3) — 11/20/2010 @ 11:58 amHeh heh . . . when I call her “Caribou Barbie” it makes my weiner grow, and proves that I’m a man.
Ed Schultz (d01b6a) — 11/21/2010 @ 1:52 am