Patterico's Pontifications


iowahawk Dons His Smoking Jacket and Top Hat

Filed under: General,Humor — Patterico @ 9:17 pm

iowahawk welcomes back T. Coddington Van Voorhees VII for an analysis of the state of conservatism today, in a post titled I Daresay It Is Time We Deal With the Mutineers Aboard the S.S. Conservatism:

Much has been written about the fate of the conservative movement in the months since last I corresponded with you. I won’t belabor the barrels of ink expended in the printing of its obituary, nor will I bore you with further reading of its entrails. Suffice it to say the grand old ship is in the doldrums, adrift in the electoral currents, with nary a harbor on the horizon. But it is time we leave such map room mopery aside and navigate a bold new course for the conservative armada. One needn’t have a 400-year old heirloom scrimshaw sextant for this task; but, fortunately, I do.

. . . .

Today the Van Voorhees family sextant rests proudly atop my private shipboard desk. I’m admiring it now; there it sits, in its protective crystal bell jar, alongside Marinus’ rapier, both still bearing the sanguinary patina of their provenance. They were, of course, the deathbed bequest of my visionary father, T.C. Van Voorhees VI, rakish founder of the National Topsider and the modern conservative movement. Last year, after our final emotional handshake, he looked at me with those anxious, fading eyes, and said:”

the helm awaits, my lad; I trust you will steer it well. And, it appears, I have soiled myself.”

With that, old Dad slipped off this mortal coil. A sad moment, to be sure, but I took comfort in the stoic grace with which he finally relinquished control of both the conservative movement and his bowels.

Read it all, old boy.

18 Responses to “iowahawk Dons His Smoking Jacket and Top Hat”

  1. Damning with faint praise.

    AD - RtR/OS (6b51ea)

  2. Quite right, OIDO, dear boy. He is more droll in my estimation.

    And wit is to be savored far more than mere humor; like comparing suave Calvin Trillin to that tiresomely common “Larry the Cable Guy” fellow. It’s rather like contrasting a belch during the benediction in church to a cleverly rhymed parody of “Canterbury Tales” as set at Yale in the 1920s.

    To be sure “As far as I’m concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler” is preferable to “Giterdone,” however that latter mouthbreathing commentary is actually spelt rather than grunted.

    Thus, Herr Iowahawk’s screed hits the mark quite squarely.

    Eric Blair (8d54e0)

  3. That was epic.

    JD (5c059d)

  4. #3 Eric Blair:

    And wit is to be savored far more than mere humor;

    Fortunately, there is room for both. Which is why Git-R-Done! is on the bookshelf, along with Parkinson.


    EW1(SG) (e27928)

  5. Nice takedown of Christopher Buckley and, IIRC, not the first such.

    Mitch (4e9e66)

  6. I’m going to get creamed for this – but it didn’t just take down Christopher Buckley. I think it hit his sainted father as well. Where do you think the hesitation comes from on the part of our well-to-do “conservative” legislators so reluctant to commit to smaller government? They all love to rub elbows with the smart set – and nobody wants to look like a rube. The result: we get a lot of poseur Republicans who make occasional conservative noises, but never do anything that might be considered threatening to the upper crusty set.

    Gesundheit (9ca635)

  7. Ahhhh, “The Upper Crusty Set” Thus enters a new phrase in the conservative lexicon to describe those spineless lackies who have neither the backbone (that is what spineless means to all the libs reading this – they can’t help their public school education) nor the will let alone the drive or the verve to ascertain what is necessary to salvage the ship of state, to pull it off the rocks and once again set it to full sail against the dunderheads.

    Well spoken Gesundheit and Iowahawk!

    GM Roper (85dcd7)

  8. I denounce myself for the execreble use of words beyond 2 syllables and thus placing the narrative beyond the reach of the left.

    GM Roper (85dcd7)

  9. If that piece were translated into German, it would make a fair approximation of something Baron Krupp might have written in 1933. Of course, Krupp was a businessman, not just a coupon clipper.

    Mike K (2cf494)

  10. #8 GM Roper:

    for the execreble use of words

    You just better not! Or I’ll swat you with a rolled up newspaper and make you clean it up!

    EW1(SG) (e27928)

  11. Who hid my pipe and tobacco ?

    SPQR (72771e)

  12. (Removes tophat and smoking jackets and puts on blue polyester twill and Cubs cap.)

    I think the larger picture is that these guys can afford to dabble with either conservatism or liberalism because it makes little difference in their lives who is in the White House or in Congress. They will still have their money and their social network. Not to mention their uncle on the Second Circuit, their nephew in the CIA, their cousin as an Assistant Deputy Secretary, etc.. The kindest thing that can be said about them is that they’re political dilletantes. But I tend to think of them “rich assholes who found a new toy to play with”.

    nk (502275)

  13. Iowahawk ain’t funny…I think he’s friggin’ hilarious…along with a good bit of unique style.
    Got a whole lotta folks’ numbers.

    Andrew (8a94e5)

  14. So Andrew is not a complete blithering idiot.

    JD (f6e132)

  15. Same name, but a different Andrew from other recent threads, JD…
    Still a blithering idiot once in a while, though.

    Andrew (8a94e5)

  16. #5 EW: do you mean Dian Parkinson? Long about 1991?

    Eric Blair (57b266)

  17. Sorry, not-blithering-idiot Andrew 😉

    JD (683ca8)

Powered by WordPress.

Page loaded in: 0.2399 secs.