Patterico's Pontifications

1/6/2009

Things to Ponder

Filed under: Humor,Sports — DRJ @ 6:28 pm



[Guest post by DRJ]

I’m sleep-deprived and these are the silly things I think about when that happens:

  • Can you cry under water?
  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  • Do the ALPHABET SONG and TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR have the same tune?
  • Did you just sing the two songs above? You did, didn’t you?
  • And last but not least:

  • Did we really need to see that many shots of the Gatorade bucket at last night’s Tostito’s Fiesta Bowl?
  • — DRJ

    61 Responses to “Things to Ponder”

    1. And now you’ll get people trying to seriously answer your unserious questions.

      Steven Den Beste (99cfa1)

    2. How much money person are we talking about when Obamas says, as he did today, “we may have trillion dollar deficits for years to come”. And that is deficit, not total spending. Hello, Iceland.

      Wesson (3ab0b8)

    3. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to cry or sweat underwater. Glands that evolved to overcome mere air pressure to release water have a hard time overcoming water pressure.

      Joco (4cdfb7)

    4. And Steven, yeah.

      Joco (4cdfb7)

    5. I admit it’s a silly post, so I posted on Al Qaeda (above) in a futile effort to redeem my reputation.

      DRJ (345e40)

    6. Did we really need to see that many shots of the Gatorade bucket at last night’s Tostito’s Fiesta Bowl?

      No. In fact, I rather we not only have had to not endure those shots, but the practice of splashing Gatorade on coaches banned.

      I’ve long thought Gatorade showers to be stupid. I thought the unfortunate death of Pro Football HOF coach George Allen would make such antics come to a screeching halt.

      Paul (creator of "Staunch Brayer") (43e430)

    7. DRJ, there is an old and odd book, called “War with the Newts” by Karel Capek (the fellow who coined the word “robot”). It’s an allegory about slavery and what it is to be human.

      Anyway, there is this great passage at the beginning of the book. Basically (I’m doing this from memory) the narrator states that the more important you are, the less information is on your office door. Until you get to God, who has nothing written on His door, nor a door at all.

      And the business of titles versus importance is quite true.

      I think silly posts are just fine.

      Eric Blair (3e2520)

    8. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

      Colder than a lawer’s heart.

      Which BTW is colder than
      Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey;
      Which is
      Colder than a witch’s tit;
      Which is colder than a well-digger’s ass.

      nk (d08690)

    9. There’s gotta be something Freudian in my misspelling “lawyer”.

      nk (d08690)

    10. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

      Because he ran out of duct tape.

      Steven Den Beste (99cfa1)

    11. DRJ, nice silly list.

      BTW, maybe it’s physiologically hard and all, but it is possible to cry under water. Don’t ask how I know. 😉

      no one you know (1ebbb1)

    12. DRJ – a futile effort to redeem my reputation.

      You have no problem with your reputation.

      If Superman blew in a dog’s face, would the dog like it?

      Apogee (f4320c)

    13. Well, Apogee, Underdog might.

      Not that there is anything wrong with that.

      Eric Blair (3e2520)

    14. Your reputation is firmly in tact with or without the Al Qaeda post but for your sake, take a nap!

      Dana (137151)

    15. Can you cry under water?
      Yes. When you get slapped under water.

      How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
      As important for his or her death to sell the papers.

      If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
      I don’t think it ever occured to him.

      Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
      A dog gets mad when people blow on its face because it can’t stand the bad breath.

      If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
      0+0=2 zeros.

      How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
      Because the gun was more lethal than the bullets.

      Do the ALPHABET SONG and TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR have the same tune?
      Not to my knowledge. I don’t even know what it means.

      Did you just sing the two songs above? You did, didn’t you?
      No I didn’t. I can’t sing.

      Did we really need to see that many shots of the Gatorade bucket at last night’s Tostito’s Fiesta Bowl?
      Yes. It’s called indoctrination.

      I admit it’s a silly post,
      No it’s not! 🙂
      I love it!

      love2008 who is tenured. (0c8c2c)

    16. Duct tape is one of the world’s most useful inventions. I’ve even used it this week to smooth the rough edges of our son’s cast.

      DRJ (345e40)

    17. Those are clever, love2008 who is tenured.

      The Alphabet Song is the song kids sing as they learn their ABCs: “A-B-C-D-E-F-G … X-W-Z.” It sounds a lot like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star but I don’t know if they are really the same tune.

      DRJ (345e40)

    18. Do the ALPHABET SONG and TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR have the same tune?

      I first really thought about this one during the last year (2008) when my 3-yr-old daughter started singing both of them!

      cimics (170e64)

    19. Duct tape is one of the world’s most useful inventions. I’ve even used it this week to smooth the rough edges of our son’s cast.

      Comment by DRJ — 1/6/2009 @ 7:35 pm

      My dad swore by duct tape in all things household inside and out and, IIRC, each of us five siblings got a big roll of it as part of our unofficial housewarming gifts when we left home.

      And he was right, darn it. From windows to chairs to a hem on a skirt in a pinch.

      no one you know (1ebbb1)

    20. Comment by DRJ — 1/6/2009 @ 7:39 pm

      Comment by cimics — 1/6/2009 @ 7:43 pm

      They are the same tune I think. Didn’t realize it till, like cimics, a little niece started to love singing both a couple yrs ago.

      no one you know (1ebbb1)

    21. The Alphabet Song is the song kids sing as they learn their ABCs: “A-B-C-D-E-F-G … X-W-Z.” It sounds a lot like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star but I don’t know if they are really the same tune.

      Comment by DRJ — 1/6/2009 @ 7:39 pm
      They are. You are right. Just being silly. 😉

      love2008 who is tenured. (0c8c2c)

    22. …hem on a skirt in a pinch.

      NOYK, you too? Black Donna Karan tailored trousers, duct tape kept in my office, taped up the sagging hem on one leg minutes before a meeting. No one was the wiser and it held so well I totally forgot to take them to a tailor to have a real hem done!)

      Dana (137151)

    23. Dogs have extremely sensitive senses of smell, so sticking their heads out the window lets them catch all the smells as they pass by. When a person blows in their nose, well, have you smelled your breath? Imagine being thousands of times more sensitive to smell…

      The smartest dog I ever knew contented herself to stick her nose in the air conditioning vent. It’s the same smells as out the window, and it let her curl up on the passenger seat and relax.

      Rob Crawford (b5d1c2)

    24. Rob,

      That makes sense. I have watched a dog who was looking for me trace my path, nose up, in a meandering way around the yard even though I was in her direct line of sight. Their noses must me what movies are to us.

      nk (d08690)

    25. Plus I think having someone blow into your nose is just annoying.

      Rob Crawford (b5d1c2)

    26. Comment by Dana — 1/6/2009 @ 7:57 pm

      LOL I believe it!

      Comment by Rob Crawford — 1/6/2009 @ 7:59 pm

      Comment by nk — 1/6/2009 @ 8:03 pm

      Once read an interesting comparison re: dogs’ sense of smell. Just as we can stand in a room crowded with thousands of things large and small, we can focus our eyes on one tiny thing to locate it – like a needle on a table. Dogs can supposedly locate a smell among hundreds with that type of focus.

      no one you know (1ebbb1)

    27. Slow news day, huh?

      Comment by Official Internet Data Office — 1/6/2009 @ 6:49 pm
      It’s not us, it’s you.

      love2008 who is tenured. (0c8c2c)

    28. The Alphabet Song is the song kids sing as they learn their ABCs: “A-B-C-D-E-F-G … X-W-Z.” It sounds a lot like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star but I don’t know if they are really the same tune.

      Obviously, yes. And “Baa Baa Black Sheep” as well. It’s an old French tune. Wikipedia.

      You can also sing Blake’s “The Tyger” to the tune! 🙂

      And that leads to the topic of songs that share meters so you can switch tunes. One of the funniest is the first part of “Stairway to Heaven” and “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”! 🙂

      Jim C. (9e7cc9)

    29. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

      Well, technically I guess, either -136.5 C, or -229.7 F, depending whether you meant 0 C or 0 F 🙂

      Buzz Killington (652530)

    30. I don’t know about crying but I know you can vomit under water. My partner was a SCUBA diving enthusiast until he got sea sick 50 feet down while diving for lobsters at night. He was off the beach at Salt Creek in Laguna and the surge got to him. He had to vomit and then clear his regulator 50 feet down. It scared the hell out of him and he never went diving at night again. That’s the best time for lobsters.

      Then he saw Jaws and never went diving again at all.

      Mike K (2cf494)

    31. It depends on if it’s 0 F or 0 C.

      0 C = 32 F; twice as cold would be 16 F = -8.9 C

      0 F = -17.7 C; twice as cold would be -35 C = -32 F

      Actually, I suppose the zeros should be converted to Rankine or Kelvin, halved, and then converted back. Those numbers would be really cold.

      htom (412a17)

    32. Good Allah, DRJ. It is like we are cosmically connected. Gatorade every 4 minutes, closeups on the way to every time-out.

      JD (457b76)

    33. “If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?”

      Russell Johnson, who played the Professor actually answered this one like so, “Because he was stuck on a tropical island with Mary Ann and Ginger and his only competition were the Skipper and Gilligan.

      The didn’t call him “Professor” for nothing.

      tyree (a35510)

    34. JD,

      I’m glad I’m not the only one. I know Gatorade is one of the sponsor’s products but they even made us miss plays while they shot the close-ups. That’s just wrong.

      DRJ (345e40)

    35. DRJ – Part of it is the fact that Fox does not cover college football on a regular basis. They had a football guy and a baseball guy calling the game. Personally, I thought they were alright, except for the fact that they did not go insane on a couple of the horrific calls that went against Ohio State. Regardless, the closeups of the Gatorade coolers at every timeout was a bit much.

      JD (457b76)

    36. The professor clearly had outstanding warrants back home; he was a pioneer in discovering techniques for making meth in home labs. Plus, it turns out Ginger secretly had a thing for nerdy guys. Now, in that situation, what sane man would WANT to fix the boat?

      PatHMV (a00c3c)

    37. This post is hilarious. You remind me of Stephen Wright.

      Patterico (cc3b34)

    38. The male question of the ages (and appropos to Things to Ponder post) coming up, Ginger or Maryann?! 🙂

      Dana (137151)

    39. Dana, there is no other answer to that one: Maryann. She still looks like a million dollars!

      On the whole Jeannie versus Samantha issue, it is the latter. But then I preferred Kim Novak in Bell, Book, and Candle!

      Eric Blair (3e2520)

    40. Why is it we get all out of sorts regarding the price of gasoline and prescription drugs, but we give beef a pass?

      Alan Kellogg (e4d258)

    41. Maryann, though I would not say no to Ginger either.

      JD (457b76)

    42. What happened to mutton?

      If men are getting larger, why are watchbands getting shorter?

      Isn’t it about time for the criminal justice system to go through a scientific revolution?

      Was Saul of Tarsus worse for Christianity, or August Derleth worse for the Cthulhu Mythos?

      What did Gaius Octavian say to Brutus to get him to turn against Gaius Julius?

      What is the penalty for Felony Negro in Chicago?

      Remember when writing had personality?

      Alan Kellogg (e4d258)

    43. Alan – Beef is a food group.

      JD (457b76)

    44. I admit it’s a silly post,

      Hey, quite a few of the questions in your blog entry sure did make me either smile or go “hmmm.”

      Mark (411533)

    45. “How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?”

      I think Chris Rock did a rather well-crafted distinction in a comedy routine.

      Jack Klompus (b0e238)

    46. I can remember quite vividly some of the comments by restaurant patrons in the mid-seventies to the spike in beef prices that occured then; but then came the gas-price spike in response to the Yom Kippur War and the OPEC embargo of sales to the U.S., and everyone forgot about the price of beef.

      AD (4f3c82)

    47. Why is it we get all out of sorts regarding the price of gasoline and prescription drugs, but we give beef a pass?

      Because once you’ve eaten the beef, you have to pass it or you’ll die.

      Oh, and Eric, Samantha was smarter, but Jeannie was hotter. Both women’s families were a big negative, however.

      Apogee (f4320c)

    48. A recent scientific study on Duct Tape determined there was only 1001 uses for Duct tape out of a claimed 1002.

      Where it consistently failed was in the application it was designed for, taping duct joints! 100% of manufactures products failed! 100% of the time!

      But it’s a staple in any home, shop, car, boat, tackle box, camera bag, oh gee ya’ll already know that.

      TC (0b9ca4)

    49. #35… “Russell Johnson, who played the Professor actually answered this one like so, “Because he was stuck on a tropical island with Mary Ann and Ginger and his only competition were the Skipper and Gilligan.”

      Geeks are the real Alpha Males! Must be the pocket protectors.

      TC (0b9ca4)

    50. “How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? “

      That might relate to how many died as well, yes?

      TC (0b9ca4)

    51. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

      Bet he’d duck for a shoe too!

      drjohn (1730ab)

    52. Maryann was oh so much hotter than Ginger by several orders of magnitude!

      My question is:
      If change is so good, why do people regularly tell cashiers to keep the change?

      John Hitchcock (fb941d)

    53. What, no “Do You remember When” list?
      Yes; murdered is just murdered, assassinated is murdered because of one’s political station (the local dog catcher could be assassinated); cold is a relative measurement of the absence of heat, twice as cold is a misnomer. Half as hot would be a more accurate use of the terms. Zero F is 255 Kelvin; half of that is -229 F. Cold ’nuff?

      Chris (d098d0)

    54. I suggest 0 Kelvin is the coldest possible point man (generic term for you of the PC crowd) can ever hope to attain, but sub-zero Kelvin is a hypothetical possibility if someone superior to man chooses to work at such a thing. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

      John Hitchcock (fb941d)

    55. Okay. Why do they call them “hot water heaters” when the water is already hot?

      Also: what are “jumbo shrimp,” other than a contradiction in terms?

      Apogee, we are arguing fine distinctions here, but remember that there were the Evil versions of Samantha and Jeannie both…who were incandescently hotter than their “good” versions. Funny. It’s the male equivalent of the “good girls like bad boys” business, I guess.

      Eric Blair (3e2520)

    56. Not to be a prude, but isn’t ass/ass/inated maybe a little bit crude? Can we say butt/butt/inated instead? (Not mine, stolen from FARK).

      nk (ce2a15)

    57. Hey, John, have you seen Maryann recently?

      http://www.dawn-wells.com/

      Is this some “Picture of Dorian Gray” thing? Seriously. Look at what happened to Ginger (well, and to most of us as we age).

      And, not every day is a good one for Dawn Wells:

      http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/dawnwellsmug1.html

      Not bad for being 69 years old, with a pot arrest.

      Eric Blair (3e2520)

    58. The alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle have the same basic melody but they are not exactly the same. Trust me, in the past two years I’ve played both songs on my piano to my daughter more times than a sane person should.

      Sean P (e57269)

    59. EB, I have always been partial to the young Barbara Stanwyck, but Maryann isn’t all that bad.

      John Hitchcock (fb941d)


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