Patterico's Pontifications

8/6/2008

Have You Heard the One About the 26 High School Cheerleaders?

Filed under: Humor — DRJ @ 7:22 pm

[Guest post by DRJ]

From yesterday’s Austin American-Statesman:

“How many cheerleaders can cram into an elevator? Apparently not 26. A group of teenage girls attending a cheerleading camp on the University of Texas got stuck and had to be rescued after trying to squeeze into an elevator at a residence hall Tuesday night.

One girl fainted and was treated at a hospital and released. Two others were treated at the scene.”

It took 25 minutes for the fire department to extricate the 14- to 17-year-old cheerleaders from the elevator. Campus officials were described as “not amused.”

The good news is they seem to be ready for college.

— DRJ

71 Responses to “Have You Heard the One About the 26 High School Cheerleaders?”

  1. OMG. Toughest job those guys had all day! Pulling those nymphs out with their skirts over their heads. Oh, sorry. Just saw the part about 17 and younger.

    Vermont Neighbor (a066ed)

  2. So many potential jokes, most of them not appropriate. Ah, if only they were college cheerleaders. . . .

    Okay, here’s one: Being young Obamaniacs they figured they would ‘elevator-carpool’. [Tire inflation joke reserved for the college set.]

    Icy Truth (383bff)

  3. Darwin foiled again by overzealous rescue workers.

    Just kidding. There used to be a college fad of phone-booth stuffing. There are no phone booths now so I suppose elevators are the alternative.

    nk (e38352)

  4. I took my 6-year old to cheerleading camp tonight. Unfortunately, she loved it.

    JD (712926)

  5. Yeah, the only way I can keep my daughter’s interest up about being President of the United States is by telling her that President Bush was a cheerleader.

    nk (e38352)

  6. Well, at least they weren’t drinking.

    Patricia (f56a97)

  7. nk – I have been pushing women’s professional golf since she was about 8 days old. I figure if Michelle Wie can become a millionaire at ae 16 and never actually win anything …

    JD (712926)

  8. 26 panicky girls in a small confined space, all of them yakking into their cell phones at the same time? Skull, meet single-bullet theory.

    Icy Truth (383bff)

  9. Best day those firefighters had since the Fire drills at the strip club at 11pm on a friday…

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  10. These were 26 Texas cheerleaders, which means they were well-coiffed, made-up, and perfumed inside that crowded elevator. The combination of perfume, hairspray, hysteria and claustrophobia would get to anyone. I think they held up remarkably well.

    DRJ (9d1be2)

  11. That is a lot of hair and perfume, DRJ. It is a wonder they made it out alive.

    JD (712926)

  12. One of the mothers will put out a contract on the maintenance staff.

    Icy Truth (383bff)

  13. I was kind of aggravated with the (I shit you not) Cheer Commissioner, as the starting times and location for the Cheer Camp were changed without notice. However, after watching TV I have learned how vengeful, petty, and mean these cheer people can be, so I just asked her to email me next time she planned to change locations. She scared me.

    JD (712926)

  14. My daughters (if and when I get married and have kids) are going to be golfing and kickboxing by age 7.

    Tlove (953364)

  15. probably more like if.

    Tlove (953364)

  16. Great minds and all, Tlove. My 6-year old started golf and Krav Maga KMX this summer.

    JD (712926)

  17. What if there are only sons instead of daughters?

    JD (712926)

  18. I’d kill a man to have a place to learn Krav Maga

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  19. golf and kickboxing for the boys too. Good point JD. I’m hoping for boys, but I was such a handful for my poor mother karma will make sure I get girls.

    Tlove (953364)

  20. Believe me, Tlove, kids never do what you expect.

    DRJ (9d1be2)

  21. Krav Maga would be fun, but I’ve had 10 years of muay thai, so I’d stick with something I could help teach.

    You could always move here Scott!

    Tlove (953364)

  22. I’m teaching my daughter to hit as hard as possible with an aluminum baseball bat at a hanging five-gallon bucket. Bring on your kickboxer. 😉

    nk (e38352)

  23. That’s how Gretzky lost his front teeth!

    Really! Look it up.

    Icy Truth (383bff)

  24. Scott – New studio right up the road. I have only invited you over about 872 times …

    I think I am going to have to come up with an excuse to go visit my mother in LA. I was supposed to go out there next weekend, but had to change plans.

    JD (712926)

  25. I love LA. We should all invite ourselves over to Patty’s house for dinner!

    Tlove (953364)

  26. You could always move here Scott!

    So both of us could be unemployed? Brilliant!

    :)

    Though if someone would actually get onto chat…

    *glares*

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  27. hehehe. I quit my job so I am not sitting in front of the computer all day anymore. Plus the blackberry went back. If this darn laptop didn’t get super hot, I’d be on it a little more often too.

    Tlove (953364)

  28. Besides, I thought I scared you away with my ultra-liberalism

    Tlove (953364)

  29. So your excuse for right now would be what?

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  30. I don’t have one

    Tlove (953364)

  31. I thought as much…

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  32. Scott is just too damn smooth. I never had a shot with Tlove with Romeo aka Cassanova pursuing her 😉

    JD (712926)

  33. That and the wife…

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  34. Yeah, that tends to be a problem, or so I have been told.

    JD (712926)

  35. I didn’t know anyone was pursuing me. Are you right wingers allowed to pursue us lefties?

    Tlove (953364)

  36. Scott is about as subtle as a brick to the forehead, Tlove. 😉

    Me? Harmless flirt.

    JD (712926)

  37. scott stopped chatting with me once I mentioned the NRDC…

    Tlove (953364)

  38. or so I have been told.

    By her. Repeatedly. With a frying pan. :)

    Scott Jacobs (d3a6ec)

  39. Are you right wingers allowed to pursue us lefties?

    — Only through ‘requesting’ the release of phone records.

    Icy Truth (383bff)

  40. Are you right wingers allowed to pursue us lefties?
    So that we can bored to death by tacky, juvenile one-dimensional shrill political statements worthy of a 16 year old who just bought his first Dead Kennedys album? Hmmm…sounds really attractive.

    Minister Jack X Klompus Muhammad Ali ibn Sa'id Kareem Abdul Jabbar (b796b4)

  41. I married a lefty. A former lefty, that is.

    DRJ (9d1be2)

  42. Jack, are you having an identity crisis?

    Another Drew (071b91)

  43. JD wrote: nk – I have been pushing women’s professional golf since she was about 8 days old. I figure if Michelle Wie can become a millionaire at ae 16 and never actually win anything …

    Whole Lee Crap. You just hit a sore spot with moi. Stand back.

    If you want to foster love for golf in your daughter, that’s just peachy. But you’re a maddog fool if you are like Michelle’s parents, who have pushed her into (or irresponsibly allowed her to pursue) competition with men before she has proven her mettle in LPGA events.

    In 1996, Tiger Woods was handed $60 million worth of endorsement contracts as soon as he renounced his amateur status out of Stanford. That was more money than any pro golfer had earned in a career, and he hadn’t even hit his first tee shot for pay. But he rose to the world’s number one ranking faster than anyone in the history of the sport, and twelve years later, he has earned over $100 million in winnings (which has only helped him earn additional astronomical endorsement deals).

    The Wies, on the other hand, after feeding the world’s media the notion that Michelle was going to do for female golfers what Tiger did for black golfers, signed deals with Nike and Sony in 2005. After two 60 Minutes stories, a 2006 Time mag designation as “One of 100 People That Shape Our World”, and endless exposure on ESPN, she’s come up snake eyes in 62 tournaments total, and made one cut against men (in a non-PGA event in Korea) out of 14 attempts.

    Her endorsement haul from 2007? Nineteen million dollars. The only entertainers that earn more than she does under 25 are LeBron James, Reggie Bush, and Maria Sharapova. She makes more than any female golfer, including the best in the world. Her career earnings thusfar on the links? $780,233.

    So what, you might say, it’s all about the Benjamins. Well here’s what: Michelle Wie is a joke, and not a funny one. On August 20, 2008, Wie reaches the age of 18 years and 314 days, one day older than the youngest female to win a major tournament, Morgan Pressel. She will officially on that day become a bona fide fraud — Nike and Sony didn’t shovel millions at her so she could thank them for getting DQed for forgetting to sign a scorecard.

    Michelle Wie is the Macaulay Culkin of sports, a talented kid with a bright future that has been ruined by greedy and selfish parents.

    FWIW – Barack Obama is like Michelle Wie in many ways. For example, when you criticize her, you are automatically accused of being a misogynist.

    L.N. Smithee (14949d)

  44. Wow Jack. You are so eloquent and intelligent.

    Tlove (953364)

  45. I didn’t know anyone was pursuing me. Are you right wingers allowed to pursue us lefties?

    It’s a free country. IMHO, it’s just not a great idea.

    A couple of years back, I accidentally found a brilliant young lady who is as talkative as I am. Things were going great until the subject of 9/11 came up. She was a “Truther.” The voice in my head said “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” so loud I thought people could hear it.

    L.N. Smithee (14949d)

  46. This reminds me of an old joke Nebraskans tell about Oklahoma Cheerleaders whom they compare to a herd of elephants, and the punchline is “How do you even them up? Force feed the elephants!”

    PCD (5c49b0)

  47. There are so many jokes I could think of here, but I’m sure I’ll see all the ones in my head as I start reading the 47 comments prior to mine. :)

    Oiram (983921)

  48. #2 Icy Truth, Boo! Making this story into an anti Obama joke!
    Still pretty funny though :)

    Oiram (983921)

  49. Minister Jack [snip] Abdul Jabbar wrote: So that we can bored to death by tacky, juvenile one-dimensional shrill political statements worthy of a 16 year old who just bought his first Dead Kennedys album? Hmmm…sounds really attractive.

    It just occurred to me — remember when the music world was shocked that a band would call itself “Dead Kennedys”? In light of the fact that the number one song in America for the last month and a half is about a girl getting drunk and making out with another babe, it seems…quaint.

    L.N. Smithee (0931d2)

  50. I slam his hero and he is the only one who thinks it’s funny? I don’t understand :O

    Icy Truth (23d64b)

  51. Obama is not my hero………yet. (hoping he will be) (Mcain too for that matter).

    I like to laugh Icy Truth.
    Saturday Night Live was making 10 jokes in Clinton’s name in 90’s per week. I defended Clinton, yet laughed my head off.

    A lot of my conservative friends dropped SNL around 2001. Why is that?

    Come on Icy, if you can’t laugh a little at all this, your only left with a headache :(

    Oiram (983921)

  52. is about a girl getting drunk and making out with another babe,

    As is there is something the matter with that? 😉

    I denounce myself.

    JD (75f5c3)

  53. Normal sex-ist!

    Icy Truth (23d64b)

  54. Oiram (Obama Is Really America’s Messiah) wrote:

    Saturday Night Live was making 10 jokes in Clinton’s name in 90’s per week. I defended Clinton, yet laughed my head off.

    Clinton jokes are easy — almost too easy. Every “dirty old man” joke that was ever told could be slightly modified, and BAM! Clinton joke.

    A lot of my conservative friends dropped SNL around 2001. Why is that?

    Presuming that’s true, hmmm…let’s see…who was in the cast in 2001?

    Rachel Dratch, Jimmy Fallon, Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Ana Gasteyer, Darrell Hammond, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan, Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph, Horatio Sanz.

    I’ve got it! The show wasn’t funny anymore!

    L.N. Smithee (0931d2)

  55. My god it reads like a who’s who of shitty comedians…

    Scott Jacobs (fa5e57)

  56. I’m guessing the reason they were stuck was that the elevator had only 25 buttons and they didn’t know which one to press for the 26 of them.

    Steverino (1dda08)

  57. Comment by Steverino — 8/7/2008 @ 7:13 pm

    Thanks a lot. Now am gonna wake up giggling all night…

    no one you know (1ebbb1)

  58. Either that or they couldn’t locate the UP & DOWN buttons inside the car.

    Icy Truth (23d64b)

  59. Or they saw the sign that said “Max. Occupancy 32 Persons” and they hit the Emergency Stop button so they could wait for the others to show up.

    Icy Truth (23d64b)

  60. Maybe they hit the STOP button when their cell signals dropped, fearing that they might be gone forever. Oh the indignity of having to use that land line emergency phone to call for help.

    Icy Truth (23d64b)

  61. Maybe they encountered a button layout similar to one of these monstosities:

    http://www2.isye.gatech.edu/~jjb/misc/elevators/elevators.html

    — Scary.

    Icy Truth (23d64b)

  62. Apparently Georgia hospital elevators are in their own little worlds.

    DRJ (9d1be2)

  63. Surely with 26 cheerleaders at least one of them was brunette?

    SPQR (26be8b)

  64. A fly on the ceiling (or an ant on the floor) could probably confirm that most of them were brunettes. Airheadedness knows no color barrier.

    Icy Truth (715cb8)

  65. No one and Dana: at least I’m not responsible for you ruining your monitor!

    SPQR: I’ve known more than a few brunettes with blond roots, as it were.

    Steverino (1dda08)

  66. POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant.

    The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don’t sell rectum deodorant and never have.

    Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

    ‘I’m sorry,’ says the pharmacist, ‘We don’t have any.’

    ‘But, I always buy it here!’ says the blonde.

    ‘Do you have the container that it came in?’ asks the pharmacist.

    ‘Yes,’ said the blonde, ‘I’ll go home and get it.’

    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, ‘This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.’

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container …

    (Are you ready for this one!?)

    ‘TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM…’

    nk (e38352)

  67. That was bad, nk. I am embarassed that I chuckled.

    JD (712926)

  68. Q: What’s the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
    A: When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

    ———————————————————————————–

    The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local
    card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.

    “Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?”
    she asked.

    “Yes, we do,” he replied. “As a matter of fact, here’s a
    new one. It’s inscribed, “To the Boy Who Got My Cherry.”

    “Wow, neat!” she squealed. “I’ll take the whole box.”

    ———————————————————————————-

    Q. What do the 26 cheerleaders have in common with Barack Obama?
    A. Black roots.

    Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
    A. FULL

    Icy Truth (715cb8)


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