Patterico's Pontifications

1/29/2007

Men’s Rules for Women

Filed under: Humor — Patterico @ 6:47 am

Ace recently published what I’m sure is an old gag, but which I’d never seen before. It’s a “list of man rules” — rules men have (or should have) for women.

Here are some samples:

Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

. . . .

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

. . . .

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

. . . .

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

Feel free to add your own in the comments. And ladies, if you have rules for men, feel free to let us know what those are.

Just don’t ask us to put the toilet seat down.

36 Responses to “Men’s Rules for Women”

  1. I’m going to be sleeping on the sofa tonight.

    [sigh]

    aunursa (1b5bad)

  2. Since this is kind of a goofy post anyway, I’ll ask an irrelevant question.

    Have you guys noticed that the people who comment on Daily Kos never debate one another at all? They just make a one-liner about the post and fade into the scenery.

    It’s annoying, dammit.

    Granted, I’ve only looked at Kos a few times (and never posted anything), but I have a feeling that this sort of behavior is fairly commonplace…

    Anyway, sorry. I just figured that this was the best place to address such an insignificant topic.

    Leviticus (b987b0)

  3. Leviticus,

    Why are you wasting your time there?

    aunursa (1b5bad)

  4. I’ve had three arguments about the toilet seat in my life, with three different girlfriends. Two of them kept repeating things like “it’s a common courtesy thing”, not realizing the fact that courtesy is a two-way street (at least the way I was raised). If you ask me, it’s a quick way to get dumped, to act like you are so dumb and helpless that you need someone else to help you go to the potty.

    Jinnmabe (cc24db)

  5. Maybe it’s because I grew up with five sisters, but I’ve always lowered the seat afterwards (not the cover, the seat). I’ve taught my two sons to do the same, which I expect will stand them in good stead with the ladies.

    It really IS a matter of courtesy, but it’s also a matter of cleanliness. The top ring of the toilet is probably the most disgustingly dirty area of the house, and no one, male or female, should be forced to look at it, unless it’s cleaning time.

    Call me a wuss about this, but I’ve been successfully married for more than 20 years.

    Attila (Pillage Idiot) (68fd1f)

  6. One rule for everyone is that the entire seat goes down, every time. Why keep the filthiest place in the house open to the air at all hours? Having small children around helps to reinforce this rule.

    And THAT is a courtesy of a two-way variety.

    hobgoblin (09cba7)

  7. Levi, maybe you ought to have posted that message there — not that they’d understand or appreciate it.

    Stay over here, where at least the arguments use more than one adjective.

    Dana (3e4784)

  8. It really IS a matter of courtesy, but it’s also a matter of cleanliness.

    If that were the argument that they used, I’d be more willing to listen. But it always seems to come across as sort of “why can’t you do anything right, and cater to my every whim, oh lowly house-slave?” Like the one who says “I got up to use the toilet in the middle of the night and I almost fell in!” My response, that if I’d put the seat AND the lid down, like she’d previously demanded, she’d have a nice mess on her, uh, hands. Seriously, it’s too much to ask that you merely look at the toilet before you use it?

    Jinnmabe (cc24db)

  9. Actually, I got trained (that being the right word) to put the seat down. How? I’d hear my darling bride not putting the seat down, but dropping the seat down, with the crash of the hard spacers on the porcelain bowl. It occurred to me that I could lower the seat myself, or one day Elaine would tell me that the bowl had cracked and I had to fix it.

    I’d much rather put the seat down, a hundred thousand times, than change the toilet.

    Dana (3e4784)

  10. As long as women control 100% of the world’s vaginas I am willing to give them the courtesy of lowering the toilet seat.

    Funny how that works.

    MunDane (1b070b)

  11. “Why are you wasting your time there?”

    -aunursa

    Balance is a key component in any diet.

    That said, I rarely go there, and am highly critical of the site as a whole. I don’t post, because there’s no point: All they do is preach to the choir.

    Leviticus (43095b)

  12. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.

    That’s so true.
    Of course, if you act like nothing is wrong you have the hassle of “Why don’t you care about me?”

    I’ll go ahead and broaden MunDane’s statement:
    As long as women control 100% of the world’s vaginas I am willing to give them the courtesy of [whatever the hell you want, ladies]

    Teflon Don (382973)

  13. 1. Don’t ask what restaurant to eat at unless you are always willing to eat somewhere that has one of the three main food groups: steaks, burgers, and Mexican food.

    DRJ (8b9d41)

  14. As long as women control 100% of the world’s vaginas they’ll also have control of 100% of the world’s pussies.

    Feel free to flame the happily married man. 😉

    McGehee (5664e1)

  15. I just piss on the seat. They quit bugging me about it after that (because they’ve kicked me out).

    Jim Treacher (15574e)

  16. “I just piss on the seat. They quit bugging me about it after that (because they’ve kicked me out). ”

    Lol! Brilliant and assymetric.

    John (a2f5df)

  17. Wives shouldn’t nag their husbands about putting the seat/lid down

    Just hand them, without comment, the $300 plumber bill when the li’l one wanted to see how many legos could be flushed before the toilet backed up.

    Darleen (543cb7)

  18. If my two-year-old wanted to see how many legos could be flushed before the toilet backed up, how would having the seat down help, exactly (the ones in my house have holes in the middle)? Even the lid is not likely to be a substantial deterrent. If you want to get men to bow to the female toilet-seat policy, you’ll have to come up with something better than that.

    Jinnmabe (cc24db)

  19. This entire thread may explain the movement toward same-sex marriage.

    Dana (9f37aa)

  20. Courtesy or cleanliness aside, if the worst thing you have to complain about in your husband is the position of the toilet seat, maybe you should thank your lucky stars and stop carping.

    Just my 2 cents.

    Steverino (d27168)

  21. Back to the topic at hand…

    – Never ask us a question unless you are entirely prepared to hear the answer. “Does this (clothing article) make me look fat” is a sure-fire means of getting told something you didn’t want to hear in the first place. So don’t ask it.

    – Don’t punish us for looking at other women. You don’t kick a dog for pissing on a fire hydrant, do you? (see also above regarding toilet seats).

    – Your mother can’t cook. Period. Using the precise same ingredients to make either chili or spaghetti sauce probably should have been an indication of that.

    – Dogs don’t wear turtleneck sweaters. Neither do we. Keep that in mind for next Christmas, mmmKay?

    – If you can say that chocolate is a food group, then we can say that catsup is one as well. At least our “food group” is made primarily out of a vegetable.

    JD (044292)

  22. If you ask me at 5:45 “Is she ready for basketball prctice” don’t tell me at 5:50: “Why are you guys dressed? Basketball practice isn’t until 6:30.”

    Who am I kidding? I know how to say “Yes, dear”, in seven languages.

    nk (2e1372)

  23. This entire thread may explain the movement toward same-sex marriage.

    Comment by Dana

    Well, it explains some kind of movement…… 😎

    Bill M (afe2c3)

  24. HOT TIP! You can buy toilet seats that have a “resistance” in the hinge so they don’t slam down!

    very cool idea!

    steve miller (a98dc3)

  25. “..and I almost fell in!” always elicts the response, “So what do you do, enter the bathroom backwards like a dump truck getting ready to unload? Maybe you also need an alarm that’ll start beeping when you back up! Plus a couple of wide angle rearview mirrors!”

    I’m currently on marriage #3. Wonder if theres some kind of correlation?

    Subvet (2d8adb)

  26. Symmetrical courtesy used to make sense to me, until a more important problem surfaced. Charles Gerba has the answer: put down both the seat and the lid before flushing. Clean the bathroom. Wash your hands – a lot.

    JohnS (e28e82)

  27. the party who wants the toilet seat in a certain position has the burden of putting it there. i leave mine up except for poops. for #1, i usually go outside cuz i live out in the country, and frequently i go right off my porch.

    assistant devil's advocate (86d9a8)

  28. I’ll bet you wonder where that “pine fresh scent” went, too.

    John (a2f5df)

  29. put down both the seat and the lid before flushing. Clean the bathroom. Wash your hands – a lot.

    Dave Barry wrote about this a few years back. He interviewed Gerba about setting toilets on fire.

    Attila (Pillage Idiot) (68fd1f)

  30. I solved the toilet seat problem by telling my hubby I didn’t want the cats drinking out of the toilet.

    Fortunately, my husband likes cats.

    Lornkanaga (f2e82f)

  31. 1) Before you complain that we don’t “talk about our feelings”, make sure you’re ready to LISTEN. Making fun of our first fumbling attempts to “share” as “macho bullshit” is unhelpful. Also, and especially, a deep pit of hell is reserved for women who complain “men won’t talk about their feelings” when they mean “men won’t talk about MY feelings”.

    C. S. P. Schofield (c1cf21)

  32. WORDS WOMEN USE

    FINE
    This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    NOTHING
    This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in “Fine”

    GO AHEAD
    This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.

    THAT’S OKAY
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay.” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    and finally:
    WHATEVER
    …is a womans way of saying F!#@ YOU!

    Sly2017 (e185b8)

  33. This could be a crappy thread.

    TC (b48fdd)

  34. CSP Schield,
    You’ll be happy to learn that Apple has come out with new technology.
    It is a music chip that you implant in womens breasts…
    This should allieviate the complaint that men look at womens breasts when they speak but don’t listen to them…

    paul from fl (12026e)

  35. Sly2017,

    In my experience “Fine” is also a work women use when they are WRONG, and you need to shut up.

    C. S. P. Schofield (c1cf21)

  36. When the toilet seat is down men and boys pee on it. You dont use toilet paper that is dirty do you. Keep the lid up for cleanliness. Everyone wants to say that the reason for putting it down is that women may sit on the porceline without looking. Well that is dumb. Lay down a fresh clean seat. I hear that arguments about it just make men pee in the sink anyway.

    Dave (58d411)


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