Patterico's Pontifications


Best Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Filed under: Humor — Patterico @ 9:06 pm

What are the best Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, in Patterico’s opinion? I’m glad you asked:

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em’, cause, man, they’re gone.

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.

Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver, and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I’m a coward.

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

These are best heard as spoken by the voice of Jack Handey himself — or failing that, the voice of my friend Greg from law school.

Tangentially Related P.S.: Greg, who is a brilliant writer, has a movie review site called The Movie Court. Check out his excellent reviews, which are posted under the nom de plume “The Movie Snob.”

8 Responses to “Best Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey”

  1. “I tried to help a little old lady across the street. And then I discovered she was a little old man.
    It is a lesson to all little old men that they should not look like little old women, when I left him in the middle of the street.
    I came back to check on him though.
    He was gone.
    He didn’t need me after all.”

    Boman (b5a53f)

  2. My college friends and I still say “Beause, hey, free dummy.”

    The full Handey quote:

    If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

    Rob A. (a421db)

  3. Father always said laughter was the best medicine. Thats why so many of us died of appendicitis…

    craig mclaughlin (ea2118)

  4. “A child’s face can say a lot, especially the mouth part.”

    Wayne (a3fb4b)

  5. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

    Insider (082691)

  6. my favorite Handey effusion is — “If a child asks you how rain happens, just tell him that God is crying, and God is crying because of something they did.”
    2nd favorite– “Whenever you are travelling in a time machine, be sure not to hang your elbow out the window, so it doesn’t turn into a fossil.”

    John Cunningham (bb73e0)

  7. Shel Silverstein:
    The saddest thing I ever did see
    was a woodpecker pecking on a plastic tree
    he looks at me and, “Friend”, says he
    “Life ain’t as sweet as it used to be”

    rayabacus (0516f0)

  8. “I used to lick my shaving razor clean. I learned my lesson. It is better to use whipped cream.

    Boman (404261)

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