Patterico's Pontifications


Ma’am, We’re Not Gonna Go Down There and Enforce Your Western Bacon Cheeseburger

Filed under: Humor,Morons — Patterico @ 7:21 am

You must listen to this right now.

I had seen this before, but didn’t link to it because I didn’t know whether it was a hoax. Via Xrlq, I see that Snopes confirms the call was real, but wonders whether it was a prank call. Xrlq notes some subtle corroborating details, and concludes, “if it was a hoax, it was a better planned one than most.”

The entire hilarious transcript is in the extended entry, courtesy of Snopes.

Dispatcher: Sheriff’s department, how can I help you?

Woman: Yeah, I’m over here . . . I’m over here at Burger King right here in San Clemente.*

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: Um, no, not San Clemente; I’m sorry, I live in San Clemente. I’m in Laguna Niguel, I think, that’s where I’m at.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: I’m at a drive-through right now.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: I went . . . I ordered my food three times. They’re mopping the floor inside, and I understand they’re busy . . . they’re not even busy, okay, I’ve been the only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western Barbeque Burger. Okay, they keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, and cheese, onions, and I said, “I’m not leaving . . .”

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: I want a Western Burger because I just got my kids from Tae Kwon Do, they’re hungry, I’m on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.

Dispatcher: Uh-huh.

Woman: Okay . . . she said, she gave me another hamburger; it’s wrong. I said four times, I said, “I want it to go. Can you go out and park in front?” I said, “No, I want my hamburger right.” So then the . . . the lady came to the manager. She . . . well whoever she is, she came up and she said, um, she said, um, “Do you want your money back?” And I said, “No, I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry and I have to jump on that toll freeway.” I said, “I am not leaving this spot,” and I said, “I will call the police,” because I want my Western Burger done right! Now is that so hard?

Dispatcher: Okay, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?

Woman: I . . . send an officer down here. I . . . I want them to make me . . .

Dispatcher: Ma’am, we’re not gonna go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.

Woman: What am I supposed to do?

Dispatcher: This is . . . this is between you and the manager. We’re not gonna go and enforce how to make a hamburger; that’s not a criminal issue. There’s . . . there’s nothing criminal there.

Woman: So I just stand here . . . so I just sit here and [block]?

Dispatcher: You . . . you need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.

Woman: She did come up, and I said, “Can I please have my Western Burger?” She . . . she said, “I’m not dealing with it,” and she walked away. Because they’re mopping the floor, and it’s also the fact that they don’t want to . . . they don’t want to go through there . . . and . . . and . . .

Dispatcher: Ma’am, then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is . . . this is not a criminal issue. We can’t go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.

Woman: Well . . . that is . . . that . . . you’re supposed to be here to protect me.

Dispatcher: Well, what are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?

Woman: No . . .

Dispatcher: Is this like . . . is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don’t understand what you want us to do.

Woman: Just come down here. I’m not . . . I’m not leaving.

Dispatcher: No ma’am, I’m not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger. You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back or go home.

Woman: She is not acting like an adult herself! I’m sitting here in my car; I just want them to make my kids a . . . a Western Burger.

Dispatcher: Ma’am, this is what I suggest: I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home.

Woman: Okay.

Dispatcher: Okay? Bye-bye.

12 Responses to “Ma’am, We’re Not Gonna Go Down There and Enforce Your Western Bacon Cheeseburger”

  1. Actually, not far from me a policeman checked his hamburger and found spittle. The guy who spit on it did finally confess to the spit but couldn’t be charged because the polizisti didn’t eat it. BEWARE fast food, who do you know who works for minimum wage???

    Ruth (8263a2)

  2. Am I crazy or isn’t the Western Bacon Cheeseburger from Carl’s Junior and not Burger King?

    Dario (97f133)

  3. Dario, you are correct. Note, however, that it was the dispatcher, not the woman calling in, who referred to the subject burger as a Western Bacon Cheeseburger. I assume there is – or was – such thing as a Western Barbeque Burger before, but I don’t know. I don’t much care, either; customers get names like those wrong all the time. What impressed me was the geographic accuracy – there really is a toll road in Laguna Niguel along the emost natural route from there to San Clemente, and there really is a Burger King just off that toll road. That doesn’t prove the complaint was serious, of course, but it does prove that whoever made the call knows the area pretty well.

    Xrlq (5ffe06)

  4. I am so embarrassed. I live in San Clemente, the scene of the alleged crime. This lady is clearly an idiot. The call dispatcher should have her own OC radio program.

    I can’t believe how idiotic the woman at the hamburger place was? She tied up the 911 operator for 2 minutes 28 seconds.

    It is sad parts of our society have lost perspective.

    Thanks for the link.

    Bill Rice

    Bill Rice (0d1d5a)

  5. This might have been a call to the Sheriff’s main phone line, but there’s no way this was a 911 call. In California, 911 dispatchers are anal about talking like this: “What is your emergency? Where are you? Please don’t tie up this line. -click-” That conversation is too casual to be believable.

    Ladainian (91b3b2)

  6. To Serve And Protect, Round II
    Comments are still rolling in over yesterday’s item about the woman who wanted the 9-1-1 dispatcher to send the cops around to deal with her obnoxious daughter. Well, in the “top this” category, via Jimmie at the Sundries Shack, here’s…

    The LLama Butchers (1483fa)

  7. Jeez Louise… isn’t any of you humorless villains going to admit that this is hilarious, regardless of its provenance?


    (Anybody who has watched the TV show Cops can readily believe such a phone call was genuine.)


    Dafydd (df2f54)

  8. It is hilarious. I also live in San Clemente and I’ve been playing this tape for everyone I know, in hopes of finding out who this is.

    motionview (5b6088)

  9. Motionview, the ‘picked up my kids from Tae Kwon Do’ is probably the biggest clue to tracing the caller.

    Al (00c56b)

  10. The Nanny State
    See, some people want the nanny state overseeing every transaction.

    Joust The Facts (af7df9)

  11. We're not going to enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger
    I have been frustrated, nay, enraged many-a-time in the drive through because fast food workers just don't seem to care - at all. (Yes, I have worked fast food.) Angi once got frozen chicken in a McDonald's salad. We've writt…

    Dan & Angi have something to say (d5e597)

  12. this is just way too much. its hard to believe the 911 dispatcher stayed so calm and held the line for 2 minutes and a half.even though there is a chance of it being fake,its very original and deserves credit

    omi (d1bf9e)

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