Ex Oblivione
Patterico is on vacation for a few days, and he managed to convince me to help out around here by guest blogging.
Although I’m sure you’re expecting my trademark tirade of profanity, I also promised to keep it as clean as possible.
However, what would the Clam be, if not for his constant grousing?
Fans of my now-defunct blog may remember my long-running irritation at one Ben Shapiro, a UCLA student and columnist whose work was, to put it in the now immortal words of Ankur Gupta, something “sloppy and s–tty” that a “monkey f-cking scribe” could write.
There is an heir apparent to the “moron conservative columnist from UCLA” throne. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Garin Hovannisian, whose current column is entitled “Carpool lane a vehicle of socialist ideology.”
It even comes with the following graphic:
The column can be summed up in this quotation: “More than this, the carpool lane champions two principal socialist doctrines – a pseudo-affection for the masses and a psychotic worship of the environment.”
Garin’s conspiracy-mongering (here’s another quotation: “When I accused an acquaintance from UC Irvine of being complicit in a red revolution, she flat out denied the charge and even hung up the phone. Allow me to remind you that these were the same tactics President Nixon used in denying knowledge of the Watergate scandal.”) misses the point.
There is no fifth column of communist urban planners. Far from being tools of the socialist revolution, carpool lanes are, in fact, carefully orchestrated programs developed by a cadre of pro-family values conservatives in urban planning departments across the country.
It is well known, and even admitted by Garin, that the primary beneficiaries of carpool lanes are soccer moms, or, treated more broadly, the traditional nuclear family. By providing a traffic incentive for people to get and stay married, as well as to procreate once married (so that both husband and wife need not be in the car at the same time to enjoy the fruits of the carpool lane), the lanes serve as a bulwark of traditional marriage. Far from supporting godless communism, as Garin unfairly suggests, carpool lanes are a tool of the social conservative movement to protect and preserve traditional marriage. Carpool lanes are, in fact, a pillar upon which traditional values- no, our entire civilization- rests. To suggest that they’re tools of communists is like suggesting that Jesus Christ Himself was a pawn of Satan.
Garin owes carpool lanes, apple pie, mom, the United States, and God an apology.
Clam:
I didn’t mean to restrict your freedom to utter profanities if you feel it’s necessary. My only request was that you attempt to keep variations of the “F-word” to 4-5 utterances per post, if at all possible. Just because my parents read this sometimes.
But don’t let me impinge on your freedom of speech. It’s great to have you back, so express yourself as you see fit.
Comment by Patterico — 9/29/2004 @ 10:57 pm
I’m just trying to be polite.
Because, after all, leaving out the vowels really makes it all ok!
Comment by The Angry Clam — 9/29/2004 @ 10:59 pm
Dude, come post on my blog sometime, and you can swear all you want. ‘Course, given the huge traffic differential between this blog and mine, you’ll have to swear about 10 times as often to get the same impact. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble pulling that off. You’ll really only have one post to compete with.
Returning to the subject of this post, I thought the whole point of a carpool lane was to give us donorcyclists a lane to ourselves. No?
Comment by Xrlq — 9/29/2004 @ 11:36 pm
Nice to see you back, Clam. If only your return had been announced by something more, well, angry.
Comment by do — 9/29/2004 @ 11:38 pm
Clam Up Already
Don’t get mad, get Angry™.
Trackback by damnum absque injuria — 9/30/2004 @ 12:53 am
You want cursing? I got your cursing here.
Now, I have thrown down the gaunlet. (Which, BTW, I watched on Turner South earlier today. You know, the movie with Clint Eastwood and Sandra Locke.)
Comment by Birkel — 9/30/2004 @ 1:56 am
You forgot grandparents. Grandparents use carpool lanes a lot, as they travel together a lot during the well deserved golden years of life. Without carpool lanes they would not be able to visit their grandchildren as often.
Comment by Kevin Murphy — 9/30/2004 @ 7:42 am
On the other hand, Garin might travel just down the road to Santa Monica, which DOES have what can only be called socialist traffic planning.
Every street, seemingly, has a bike lane.
Speed bumps are everywhere.
Curbs mushroom out at intersections to prevent easy right turns, forcing cars to turn right from traffic lanes. This is done intentionally, to slow traffic and to “reduce the distance between curbs for pedestrians.”
Many downtown streets have reserved bus lanes, leaving one narrow lane for all cars.
Traffic engineers when queried refer one to the office of the city traffic planner, a young woman from US Berkeley.
Comment by Kevin Murphy — 9/30/2004 @ 7:50 am
oops, UC Berkeley (don’t want to offend Berkeley by associating it with “US”)
Comment by Kevin Murphy — 9/30/2004 @ 7:51 am
Carpool lanes, at least in LA, are really tools of the MTA and their multitude of unions. Car pool lanes are big money makers (they get wads of cash to administer and maintain them) for the agency and they aren’t going anywhere for that reason. They are the primary beneficiaries of all that nonsense.
oh yea and hooray that the angry clam is around
Comment by Michael Timus — 9/30/2004 @ 9:03 pm
HAHAHA
how could you not see that Garin’s column was a JOKE?! Did you think Star Wars was a documentary?
Go drive your Hybrid off a cliff hippie…
McCAIN 2004!
Comment by Sgt. Spinstopper — 10/10/2004 @ 11:03 pm
Mr. Hovannisian’s column was satire, douche. Maybe you are not familiar with satire. Perhaps you were chowing down on babies while reading Jonathan Swift’s “Modest Proposal,” thinking what a great idea he had. Whatever your frame of mind, you need to reevaluate your analytic skills and find a way to look through this bitter haze of conservative hatred you have. While his writing was a brilliant attempt at humor, you have become the joke.
Comment by Inspector Veritas — 10/10/2004 @ 11:06 pm
Now, let me take this slowly for you, because I know you’re both the same person, and that you’re not all that sharp.
Garin’s column is not, in fact, satire. This is typical for the dreck he writes. It is, quite possibly, intentionally over the top, but when pressed, I’m certain you’ll find that he sticks to its basic point.
Now, and get ready for it, although you complain that I miss the satire in it, you very obviously missed my SATIRE OF A (SUPPOSED) SATIRE, where I accuse Garin of hating God, Mom, and Apple Pie for attacking carpool lanes.
In fact, we’re all laughing at you now. Thanks for coming by, though.
Comment by The Angry Clam — 10/10/2004 @ 11:35 pm