I won’t pay money to see “Fahrenheit 9/11.” But I’ll tell you what I will pay to see: a heavyweight bruiser named Eliseo Castillo kicking Michael Moore’s ass.
You heard right. I saw an ad for it on TV. For some bizarre reason, probably having to do with his incessant quest for publicity, Michael Moore has agreed to a boxing match with someone named Eliseo Castillo. The fight will be held on Saturday, July 3, and will air on Showtime.
It seems almost certain that Moore will be pummeled into a quivering mass of bruised and bleeding flesh by the time you and I are ready to celebrate our country’s birthday. According to Castillo’s biography:
In 18 pro outings, Castillo has knocked out 78 percent of his opponents (14). The list of fighters who have gone the distance against him is as exclusive as the number of presidents on Mount Rushmore (four). In addition, the world has more living Popes (one) than boxers who have defeated Castillo (zero).
That fat lying bastard of a “documentary” maker doesn’t stand a chance.
I don’t believe in making threats against public figures I don’t like, but this is different. Moore has volunteered for this fight, and it is my right — even my duty — to root for Eliseo Castillo to punch Michael Moore’s pasty white ass into the ground.
I’m calling to subscribe to Showtime right now.
Wait . . . I’m being handed a piece of paper. One moment . . .
Uh, I’ve just been informed that Castillo is really fighting a guy named Michael Moorer.